Hi Moms,
I love moms clubs and have participated in quite a few over the years. Aside from being a member in one club, I am part of the leadership of another. What is driving me crazy is a major issue we are having. When recruiting new members it is advised (club by-laws) to recruit new members within our zip code for reasons such as travel time to playdates and finding common "close" areas to meet --also same schools as the kids grow up (last reason is a joke since schools change their district lines all the time) . But if a member is outside our area, and there isn't another club or she just doesn't click with that club, then we as a group at large "vote" the mom in. I'm an older mom and will probably stay in the club for one year maybe two. The younger moms (in the leadership roles) have very small babies and want to take the club in their direction and basically close off the club to anyone outside our zip code. I think a mom who wants to be social but lives 10 mi. away -- will still want to be social if she is asking to join. How do I convince these younger moms to compromise?? My idea is to let a certain amount of moms outside our zip code in (we have a 60 member max. for the club -- so I figure 20 moms could be outside the group).....of course, I want to let anyone or everyone who desires in the club -- but I know these younger moms won't go for that. Right now it looks as if I just have to quit the club because I don't like this "sorority" type thinking and probably insulted one of the moms with my comment. I've been through so many clubs in so many states (husband's career/moving a lot) and I feel as if I have a lot of experiences to offer a club, but I've hit a wall with this one (really 2, maybe 3 other leaders). They want to do what they want to do.........and I guess I am not very good at explaining why they should go along with my way of thinking. In the past two weeks, I have turned away 2 potential members because I explained the zip code rule, and I shouldn't have said a word about it. I am sickened that these two moms wanted to find other moms and I messed it up. One mom even told me she is going stark raving mad staying home alone and having no friends. Now I don't even know how to get in touch with them.
p.s.
i don't want to quit because then i feel as if i've let some moms down
but i don't want to be stressed out either......this isn't a "job" it is a social club
p.s.s.
BIG meeting is in a few days to discuss this........how do I persuade them to my point of view? and how do I not get annoyed at their ignorance?
(we've discussed before and haven't reached a compromise)
p.s.s.s.
sorry so long
since this is anonymous -- maybe you all can be objective and help me see what i'm not seeing
I truly appreciate your responses. And I did what many of you suggested and what I always suggest -- followed my gut. There was no way I would be in an "exclusive" club - -no way! Actually the moms club "rules" are pretty specific, but also there is leeway such as voting members in. After explaining my point of view, that I wanted no mom turned away and that I agreed we should try to find the proper zip code because the mom probably would be happier with a club closer to her home, I still emphasized that if the prospective new member mom didn't like that club or wanted to drive to our town to participate in club events -- it should be a non-issue because "the vote" is in the rules -- this mom will be in our club. We went around a bit with "what ifs" -- but, when all was said and done -- that's our club policy. Part of this issue was my fault. I just wasn't clear enough about what the original club rules were -- and I was the only one that read them and also the only one that has participated moms club for so long. (Also, I assumed other leaders were aware of some things they just weren't.) Those of you who have a negative image of moms club -- i totally understand where it comes from. There are some unfriendly ones out there -- but there are the good ones too. Once I thought a club was extremely unfriendly, but after a few months of just me & my children showing up at the parks and other playdates, I've found a few good moms out of the group. It took some time -- but I would have been at the parks alone any way. Plus, after hanging out with the group at large, I knew who I didn't want to befriend myself.....drama queens need not apply:) And that's what it is all about -- raising your children, but also finding a few good moms to laugh with, share stories with and make life a little more interesting.
Thanks again, everyone!
I used to belong to a moms club and we always let anyone in who lived within a reasonable distance. A lot of times there weren't moms clubs in their area. I understand the reasoning behind wanting to keep it in one area but no one should be excluded
The way you've explained it I'm lead to believe that this "club" also controls who you can and can not be friends with. I can understand how you may want to include new friends in groups/clubs that you belong to but in my opinion you shouldn't include yourself in a club that shuts out people who want to join just because of their zip code. Maybe the club should allow people based on their level of committment. Such as: must attend meetings/playdates twice a month and volunteer to bring a snack once a month. What if a member decides to build a house and the new home is outside of the zip code--yet they are the family that participates at all the group functions? Suddenly they can no longer be in the group?
Is there a rule about having friends "outside" the club? You should not have to turn away people who are desperate for friends if you want to be a friend. Real life doesn't work that way. Start your own group, and make it a kind one.
If it is a MOMS Club specific chapter (www.momsclub.org) -- then the zip code rule is pretty strict -- it is a national rule - and probably not just the "younger moms" rule. The MOMS club suggests that the mom start her own club if she has a zip code that doesn't fall into ANY chapter. I've been a part of a few MOMS Clubs too and it IS pretty strict (and I can relate to needing support too!!)The big sister is supposed to make sure everyone is following this rule - which may be the reason the other board members are trying to adhere to it so adamantly. Maybe suggest to that mom that she try www.meetup.com for other moms groups! There are a bunch of good ones there too!
Dear T.O.
You sound like a tremendous asset to the club and I can understand your concerns. All I would say about the BIG upcoming meeting is take a deep breath somewhere along the line and ask all there remember their own days of loneliness or overwhelm. And do we want to deny someone who is reaching out? How hard is it to give compassion and welcome to anyone asking to meet other moms and willing to drive to get togethers?...what are rules doing getting in the way of being supportive women?
From your writing, you show sensitivity and conviction
Yeah for you! Best wishes ..Helen M.
This sounds VERY exclusionary, regardless of by-laws. Sounds very much like a prestigious, uppity, snobbish country club with mommies who only want mommies LIKE THEM.
Between both of our jobs, the babysitter and where we live, my husband and I cover four different zip codes. My closest friend lives 45 minutes away and makes it to our groups' functions because she WANTS to, not because she's limited to just our zip code.
If that's the way MOMS club operates, there's no way I'd join or recommend anyone join. I mean, I'm all for having mommies that are close, but to exclude a mom just because of where she lives (across town, other side of the highway, whatever) is just ridiculous.
I totally get your frustration. I have checked into several mom's groups since moving to Cape Coral in July. There were a few who just didn't respond to me at all, and then others that said that they have firm boundaries and I am just outside of them. When I had my daughter 2 years ago, I was completely alone without any family and in desperate need of companionship. We lived in Tampa at the time and luckily I found a great mom's group. I ended up being involved in the leadership of the group and I am familiar with the politics involved.
We really didn't have boundaries as far as who could join, but it was really easy to get kicked out and after 40 members, they wouldn't let anyone else join. This caused a lot of hurt feelings for moms. The leadership was determined to do things their way.
Anyway, I would just tell them that there are other moms out there who really need them and try to explain why you feel the way you do. If they continue to reject the members, encourage them to tell the moms they are rejecting where they can find another group.
Because of the difficulty of getting into a group in Cape Coral, I just started my own. I started it a week ago and we already have 9 members. I agree that it should be up to the mom to determine how far she is willing to drive for a playdate. There are a lot of lonely moms out there. Hopefully as the need for groups arise, more and more groups will form to meet the need.
I hope all goes well!
T.
T O- I was recently on the other side of your issue. I inquired online about a Moms Club International group that's apparently less than 5 miles from my home, but since it is on the other side of the major highway running through our town, I can't become part of their "club". Not only is that rediculous but the person corresponding with me was flat out rude about it and basically said, if you don't like it, then start your own club. Whch, of course, made me feel like I wouldn't want to be a part of the organization anyway. If I did start a group, I wouldn't turn someone away who was willing to travel an extra 5 minutes to get to our meeting. So, I think if you stay you are going against your own values and will continue to feel uncomfortable. You have surely made friendships that can be sustained and you have your other group.
One more thing that bothered me, if a mom is new to an area and is looking to meet new people, how can these groups expect her to start her own group.... SHE DOESDN"T KNOW ANYONE!!DUH!!!!
Also, may I ask, where are you located?
I wish you luck and go with your gut, it's usually right.
Well, being the President of the Ft. Myers North MOMS Club. The rules are pretty strict, but there is a little leeway.
If there is a mom's club in their zip code, but they don't like that group and do like the other group then email your big sister and discuss this with them.
Another way around it they are allowed to attend 2 functions without joining to see if they'd like the group or not. Bring them as a guest to something. You cannot however, give them the calendar or newsletter as those are benefits of being an actual member.
I would email your big sister and tell her what you just said and she will work with you to find a solution that everyone will be happy with. I would do this before your big meeting to discuss this issue.
If you are in my area and would like to attend our meeting it's tomorrow, please let me know and I can tell you how to get here. Maybe they would fit in our group.
We have a speaker from Caloosa Nature Center coming tomorrow.
T.
I don't mean to be rude but I think that whole "zip code" restriction is absurd. I'm not to familiar with these "Mom" clubs but I would think that the function is for the benefit of moms and children alike and not allowing someone to join is detrimental to all involved. It takes away the support group, the socialization among the children as well as the mothers and sends openly prejudice message. If a mom is capable to participate they should be allowed too.
Hi TO,
Wow! I recently inquired on joining a Moms club, since having my second child and have decided to curtail my career to focus on being a SAHM. As a new SAHM seeking support from other SAHM, I would be absolutely devastated if I was not voted in as a member because of mere zipcodes. On the flipside, I understand rules are rules and obviously your club has a certain way of doing things. I certainly think you should follow your heart and be as diplomatic as possible with your other members (young Moms in particular), I think your viewpoint is good, hopefully you can get that across to the other club members. Stay strong and much luck. R.
I loved MOMS club in the beginning. I have to say that I don't like it so much anymore. We let people in outside of our area. It has become so clicky and some of the women are just snobs. Our new board thinks they are going to do such a better job (1 imparticular). I disagree, since our calendar isn't reflecting it. I don't think I will stay in.
Dear "T O",
You sound like such a kind, caring person who really wants to be helpful to others in need... If your true motivation is to find socialization for moms who need it, does it matter if they join the club you are in, or can you just assist them in hooking up with ANY mommy group? Do some research to find other mommy groups- attend an event here and there of other groups that are not affiliated with the international MOMS Club. If you find a group that you click with, fine. But whether you do or not, you can be armed with knowledge of some other groups so when you run into a needy mom at a park, you can give her options based not only on her zip code but on her personal needs. AND... most importantly, remember not to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders. You may find this hard to hear/believe, but you really are not personally responsible for finding support groups for every mom in Central Florida (though, your efforts are fabulous!! Don't give up... just breathe breathe breathe...) AND!!! ONE MORE THING!! If you have serious issues with by-laws, you should not be on a board. I am sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo not a by-laws person, so I am not on a board because it wouldn't be right for me to ask the rest of the board to see things "my way" if there are by-laws in place that they want to follow.....
From- an "anonymous" friend
I am a memeber of one of those moms clubs. It was great when I first joined but now I know I will not rejoin again. The zip code thing is just not fair. I have a really great online group, trying to recruit in FL!
H
I never thought i would want to join something like a mom's group before because i don't normally get along with other women. i have always been the tom boy with extra qualities and i have a VERY close group of male friends that have survived hurricanes, school, war, sickness, marriage, divorce, girlfriends and tons of more stuff over the past 25 years. even after all this time we are still strong together. i have not been on this site for a very long time but i have joined a group where you can talk, have fun, ask questions, and anything else you can imagine. i did post a request/information with the contact info. it is called cafemom.com and you will rethink the whole mom's club if you visit and take a look. go for it, what do you have to lose, a few minutes? it will be well worth it. it is not just for mom stuff but everything under the sun!! come on in and have a look!!
B.
