Mothers of Teenage Girls

Be the mom and restrict her clothing and her privelages if she is sneaking around then call her on it and if she is npt going to be honest then don't give her independence. independence is a privelege not a necessity she is only thirteen get her interested in something other than boys art music sports......girl scouts sounds like she has too much time on her hands K. mother of 13 11 8 and 1yr old

hi im not a mother of a teenager but im only 25. i dont think the birth control is such a bad idea. it isnt giving her permission to do anything, its just for pease of mind.i think you need to sit down and have a talk about boys and sex. let her know tha she can come to you if she needs anything. if she feel like she cant talk to you then the two of you need to pick a person she will feel safe talking to.
hope this help
M.

START TALKING!!! Birth Control MAY prevent pregnancy if taken correctly, but it will NOT protect your daughters from sexually transmitted diseases. Whether or not you believe that your daughters are having sex, it is never too early to start talking about it. It sounds like you have a typical impressionable 13 year old daughter going on 30!!! Why wouldn't she want to dress skimpier - unfortunately that's all you see on tv, in magazines and in the stores! Does abercrombie even sell a pair of shorts that are above size 00 that actually cover the bum? Even the bags that hold those skimpy clothes has sex written all over them!!! Sit down with all three and let your daughters know that you are there for them no matter what - they need to feel like they can come to you and talk about anything without fear of being rejected. This means that you need to educate/prepare yourself to have THOSE conversations - reach out to other parents in your community, maybe the school nurse and guidance counsellors for advice on how to start a conversation about sex and self-esteem with your daughters that won't send them running for the door!!! Also, confront your daughter about the lying - if you can get to the root of why she's lying, then maybe you will be better able to keep the communication lines open (i.e. maybe she doesn't think that you "get it" or trust her judgment or maybe you've laid down the law in a way that she feels forced to lie "NO BOYS UNTIL 30 - NO SHORT SKIRTS - NO TIGHT TEES" etc!!! or maybe it's as simple as "my friends are doing it") Obviously rules and boundaries are important - but maybe there's a few areas that you can compromise on to show your daughters that you do "get it" and that you're on their side. There's a lot of middle ground between "Authoritative Dictator" and "Push Over". Bottom line - You want your daughter(s) to come to you with questions about boys, love, sex, puberty, confusion, self-esteem etc., NOT THEIR 13 GIRLFRIENDS - or worse BOYFRIENDS!!! Best of Luck!!!

Hi K.,
You are living my future fears right now! :) I think that you should definitely have a punishment for her actions and lying. I am not sure if you do the "grounding" thing or not but she should definitely have consequences for her actions. Next, hopefully you have an open relationship with her so she does talk to you about things that are going on in her life (to a degree of course) but you definitely want to be in the loop. If you have a set age when they are allowed to date, reiterate that to her and have a serious talk with her about her body and how it's hers to cherish, etc. It is completely your call on the birth control... I personally think 13 is way to young, however better safe than sorry does make a whole lot of sense. :) Ultimately you are her mom and should keep a close eye on her, not so much that you are a hawk, but make her aware that you'll call her to "check in" or that she needs to call you to check in, etc. Limit her use of "skimpy" clothing, I am sure you are not buying it for her, but definitely know what is in her clothes drawer and closet. Also good communication with her friends parents is always essential as well, although you may come across a few who do not mind their child dressing skimpy and hanging out with boys. I wish you the best of luck in this, I know that my day (having 2 girls) will come too!!! YIKES!

The most important thing K. is to have the "talk" at this point. Some girls might have sex earlier than some others but the important thing is that she feel confident enough to talk to you about everything without being scared that you will scold or judge her. And casually drop in the info about safe sex and emphasize the importance. Tell her where people can buy condoms for example. You can also tell her about how some things are worth putting off for later (like sex!) because one has to be mature enough (or the relationship has to be mature enough) for one to understand the implications. Don't worry too much about the lying and sneaking - discovering about the opposite sex is a scary and exciting time and she is probably not sure how to deal with it - but find a way to resolve it.

All the best!

Sneaking around is part of being a 13 year old (boy or girl). In my opinion, it's key to let your daughter know a) that you care about what she's up to and b) that you aware of her happenings despite her efforts to conceal some things. Being a parent is of a teenager is much like being the parent of a toddler- remember those days! You definitely need to give her enough rope to let her try new things, have relationships, etc but you can't take your eyes off of her for a second! I would definitely review boundries with her frequently but keep in mind that she's going to push those to the limit and beyond. As long as she's not endangering herself or others, I think you need to let her grow. Being 13 is difficult for all kids (and parents) and girls especially need reassurance that they are loved and accepted no matter what. As I think about it, I would go back to being 18 again in a heartbeat, but you couldn't pay me a million dollars to go back to being 13! With regard to birth control, I personally think it's too soon. At 13 kids are surely rounding the bases, but 95% haven't crossed home. However I agree with your mom that by 15 she should be given the opportunity to have birth control- but make sure you offer her the chioce. She'll feel like you respect her and acknowledge that she's is mature enough to make some decisions about her own body. It sounds crazy, putting 15 and mature in the same sentance, but it's important to get your daughter to thinking about these things and feeling like they are her decision. Much like a toddler, if you tell her she has to/should take birth control, she'll want to rebel. As for skimmpy clothes, I've been using my own mom's method. They get worn once, go into the laundry basket and either disappear or accidently get bleached beyond all possible wearability. I'm sure whatever strategy you take with your daughter will be what suites and works best for both of you. It's good to hear other people's opinions but you know your daughter better than anyone here!

hi K.,

i sympathize with you! all i can tell you is that i've never met a teenager who felt like they needed their parents' permission to be sexually active. if you get her on birth control she will not take that as a green light to go out and do whatever. if your daughter decides she's ready, she will do so regardless of your view on the matter.
i think you should ask yourself which is the lesser of two evils: 1) a pregnant 13-year-old girl who decided to become sexually active but had no birth control, or 2) a 13-year-old girl on birth control who may or may not decide to become sexually active.
if you explain to your daughter that you would like her to go on birth control because you want her to be safe and responsible, you can incorporate a good conversation about the ramifications of sexual activity before one is really ready for it emotionally and psychologically.
But! perhaps your daughter will say that sex is the furthest thing from her mind and she doesn't WANT to take any birth control right now. if that's the case then of course don't force her to go on birth control if she doesn't want to be sexually active, but i would still encourage you to talk to her about condoms if she refuses the pill or the shot. i know it is really hard to imagine our little girls becoming women and becoming sexually active, but it's better to help them prepare for the reality of what sex can mean: babies!

best,

S.

I just want you to consider being careful when thinking about birth control - artificial hormones have more side effects than most of us realize! There may be other ways to deal with the situation than birth control - your daughter can't be forced to use it anyway. I have known many teenage girls who had access to birth control and got pregnant anyway.

I can feel your frustration. I have a daughter who, at that age, was all over the place. Fortunately she did come to me and let me know she was sexually active, so we took precautions. You have to be able to calmly sit down and talk to her. Convince her you are not the bad guy, you are not judgmental. You want her to be as comfortable as possible to be able to talk to you and come to you when she needs you. Don't show anger or frustration. Talk just above a whisper. Tell her you are concerned with her behavior and that even though she thinks it was ten thousand years ago that you were a teenager, in reality it was just a few. You have to earn her trust. You don't say anything about a father, is he in the picture? Sometimes a father can curb this behavior just by being attentive and showing that they care. Just be there and communicate, talk and make sure that you know her friends, their families and where she is at all times. Good luck.

Hi K.. I think thats just how teenage girls are. I don't have any girls but I do remember being one and doing anything I knew would get on my mothers nerves. I've also noticed that clothing seems to be skimpy in general for girls especially summer clothes. I would hold off on birth control they recommend that you don't take it until atleast age 14. Is she aloud to date? If not maybe that's why she is sneaking around w/ a boy maybe you should try consider allowing her to date and bring a boy over the house when your home. Better she be home w/ you supervised then out sneaking around.

My advice about the birth control would be to let her know that she can ask for it anytime she feels ready for it and you promise you will ask no questions. That is what my parents did for me. Although that was a tough decision for them to make, it almost certainly kept me from getting pregnant. The thing is that if your daughter is ready to have sex she is going to, with or without your permission. Let her know that she can trust you to help keep her safe by providing birth control in a non-threatening way. Stick to your promise and don't ask her any questions, just thank her for being responsible enough to ask. This will probably help her feel like she can open up to you about these personal things when she is ready.
As far as the lying and sneaking tho, I would say absolutely lay down the law! Ground her or whatever you commonly use for punishment. Let her know that she can trust you and you expect to be able to trust her as well.
Good luck!

Have you had the sex and baby talk with her yet? If not, she needs it now. I would talk to her about sex, babies, diseases and what it means to be sexually active (any act of sexual contact), why it is important to wait until she is older, reputation, responsibilities, morals, pregnancy, etc. Taking care of her body and mind and respecting herself and learning how to say no to boys. You don't have to talk to her about it all at once, just start asking questions and letting her talk to you about boys. Make sure she is supervised at all times. She should not go anywhere by herself. Always call the parents of her friends to make sure she is where she is supposed to be. Call the parents directly and not her cell phone. She shouldn't be in a room by herself with boys or by herself with boys period. She is 13 and shouldn't be dating yet. If you need help talking to her about sex, there are plenty of books out there. I don't think she needs birth control yet. just some communication with her and teaching her what is right and wrong. She is only 13. But some girls start really young, but if you talk to her about these things, I think you can have a powerful influence on her. Good luck!

Added: Having friends that are boys is different than dating. And should be allowed but with supervision. Boys and some girls are very interested in sexual things at this age, so she just should be aware of these things. Even if it just curiousity. Birth control is not something that should be taken lightly. It is medication and cause disruptions in normal hormone production. I don't do well on birth control pills. But I was on them throughout college. So it is something that should be discussed with her doctor. I personally don't reccommend it at this age, but perhaps in a few years.

Although I don't have a teenage girl (yet-mine is 8), I would like to offer up my opinion as a nurse on a maternity floor. First and foremost, don't assume anything! You may not want to believe she is having sex yet (and hopefully she isn't), but you can never be sure. You need to have a real heart to heart talk with her about her behavior, what kind of signals she is sending out, and find out if she is sexually active. She may have no idea that she is sending out the wrong signals with her behavior. Also you need to try to talk with her in such a way as to not come out overbearing and threatening. If she is having sex, you can't stop it, but you can teach her how to be responsible about it without being judgemental.
Second, putting her on the pill isn't "giving her permission". but you should make sure she has all the facts. If you tell her, she may not try to experiment to find out what it is all about. The best way is open and honest communications. If she isn't willing to talk to you(as so many teenage girls aren't), then find someone you can trust to share your feelings with her. It has to be done in such a way so as to not put her on the defensive.
And if you find out she is sexually active, try to be supportive and help her find out the best kind of birth control for her. If she isn't, let her know you are always ready to listen to her when she is ready.
Finally, as for the sneaking around and lying-she needs to have her privilages cut and she needs to earn them back. She has to show she can be trusted in order to get them back and the rules need to be clear cut and stuck to no questions.

Dear K.,
As a mother of two teenage boys and a teacher of 7th grade, I would suggest you take every precaution! I would also sit down and have a heart to heart talk that the birth control is not permission. I would also make the rules very clear and stick to your rules! Make sure the consequences are very clear. Since she got caught lying, I would not allow her to go any where without first checking that a parent is home where she is going. Once she regains your trust, you can ease up but let her know your trust must be earned. I would not allow any unsupervised contact with a boy at age 13. Good luck!

HI K.,
I have to say that I disagree with most of the other posts. I would say that if you don't think it's OK for her to be sexually active, and she knows that, you would be sending a mixed message by putting her on birth control. It says that you believe it's not ok but you don't think she can hold herself to those standards. Also, it gives her the impression that she would indeed be safe if she was on birth control. Last time I checked there is no birth control that is 100% effective in preventing pregnancy, and certainly not disease. Statistics show that since the widespread acceptance of birth control, unplanned pregancies have increased, not decreased, because more people are sexually active thinking that they're protected. And that's only the physical reason. I don't know what your moral beliefs are, but that's another issue that should be addressed with your daughter. In my work with college students, I have found that they want to be held to higher standards. At 13, your daughter is still a child, and still needs discipline and rules to follow, and consequences when she doesn't follow them, and there's nothing wrong with letting her know what is unacceptable to you in the way of clothing and behavior. It's hard for girls to not dress in skimpy clothes, since that seems to be all that's out there, but it certainly sends the wrong message. Maybe having a man talk to her about what message it sends to men would be helpful. Good luck. It's sure not easy, especially in our culture.

Hi there. Speaking strictly as someone who has first hand knowledge of things, get her protected immediately! My mom introduced me to an older boy when I was 13. She thought he would be ok and I'd be "safe" since he was 5 yrs. older than me and supposedly more mature. Like you, my mom also thought I wasn't having sex. She thought that up until she suspected me of being pregnant, which I was. Little did I know she monitored my monthly cycles and since she bought the pads she knew when she bought less. I met him on my 13th birthday and two weeks before my 14th I got pregnant. So, even if your daughter isn't having sex, yet, you should get her the protection she needs now. You should talk to her and have her doctor talk to her also about this. But, whether it is the pill or iud or condoms or some other form she should be made aware you are aware of her budding sexuality and the need to protect her from pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases. Trust me, you don't want to be a grandma at 36 like my mom and now myself. My daughter is 21 now and had her daughter in February. I can't stress enough the importance of getting her informed and protected.

Hi K.
Things will get better i promise :) In her defense it is really hard to find anything for a kid nowadays that isnt skimpy a little ridiculous if you as me but...I would really spend more time talking to her to see how she thinks and would be hesitant about the birth control pill for now as she is still developing and dropping a bunch of hormones into her while she is trying to figure out what her body is doing naturally will probably make it more difficult. Talking more about condoms as that will keep her disease free (more importantly as you can die now) would be top on the list for me. Again there will be a series of many "sex" talks with her to determine exactly what she is thinking...uncomfortable for them at first but gets easier as they will learn to come to you somewhat or at least get more comfortable answering your very delicate questions :) It is hard for these girls to understand how to manage their control that they have with their bodies as they start to develop and to teach her to use her powers for good and not evil, if you know what I mean, will help in developing a young lady that is control of herself and not the guys that want to use her controlling her actions and behavior. She will thank you for it when she is older. The more you try talking to her and connecting the more you will gain insight into how she thinks. Give her a big hug and let her know that you are there it is scary and confusing for her too. Good luck and enjoy every minute of her, the ride is almost over..in 5 years she will be a legal adult, making her own decisions. So now is the best time to teach her how to love herself and make good choices. Try love and logic.com and the total transformation.com for support. They are awesome.
Best,
C.

I found the following books really helpful when trying to talk to my teen daughter, "Breaking the Code" and "Positive Discipline for Teenagers". The best way to get your child to open up to you is to start spending more quality time with her, no lectures, just have fun. Talk about your own experiences as a teenager, even when they are about sex, explain how you felt and why you did what you did. You'll be surprised at how much she'll open up to you. Once you reconnect with your daughter I think the lying will naturally stop but for now verifying/confirming where she says she is until you rebuild the trust may be necessary. Good luck, things will get better when she goes to college. ;-)

Hi K,
I'm not actually sure if I should be answering this as I'm only 15, but my mom and I had a similar situation a when I was in 7th grade. I was a tomboy in Middle School, but I can understand you daughter's desire to dress more mature. And in today's society, that's to dress skimpier :P. Just be honest with her and tell her that wearing those types of clothes makes you uncomfortable. You should let her know the boundaries when it comes to clothes, her independence and anything else. I don't recommend birth control at such an early age like C.M. said, hormones and such. She might also feel like you don't trust that she'd be able to keep her pants on and jump at any guy that gives her the time of day. Birth control, however, does not necessarily encourage sex. My Ob/Gyn recommended me to go on them to help my extremely heavy and irregular flow ( I had my period for a month before & they usually last 8 days). My mother had the same train as thought as you and forbid me from getting it. She's a bit over-dramatic and a worry-wort. The only problem was that she never formally discussed sex with me. Although I learned my fair share from school, the media and the internet, it would've made things less awkward between us if she did actually have a heart-to-heart with me about it. So I tried to be open to her about it. If your daughter tries to talk to you about sex, don't get awkward and assume that because she's discussing it with you that she is or wants to have sex. And never, never ask your daughter if she is still a virgin. My mother does it to me all the time, and I feel so insulted every time as if she doesn't believe I can control myself. Just lay everything out in the open, tell her of the precautions, risks, etc. Let her know that, although you won't be happy (as I imagine no parent would be happy to find out that their child wants to have sex), that you won't be angry, either. It will help lessen the tension on this very serious topic if you both trust each other. Also, don't assume things in something as serious as this. You both must have good communication skills (or work on it) when involved in this topic.

I don't have a teenage daughter, but I remember being a teenager very well and I see how they dress now and it scares me.
Since she is too young to have a job or a license, you can control what she buys for clothing (you might have to be tricky about it and not say "you can't have it because it's too skimpy", give her other reasons). She's way too young, not that I think there is an appropriate age to where skimpy clothes. My mom had the exact opposite problem with me. I was more into the "grunge" look and wore everything 3 sizes too big. But those were different times I suppose.
As far as "the talk" goes, she might already know way more than you'd like to think she does so you need to tell her the facts and establish open communication. If she feels comfortable talking to you without her thinking that you're going to get mad just for bringing it up, you will be able to have more of an influence on her.
Good luck!