My 4 Year Old Daughter's Picky Appetite Is Driving Me Crazy - Please Help!

I don't eat foods I don't like, so I didn't expect my kid to eat foods she did not like. But I did require that she actually taste them before deciding she didn't like them. Knowing that she had the option to say she didn't like them after tasting them made her more willing to try them.
And if she didn't want what I cooked, she knew where the bread and peanut butter were kept.

ETA: BellaMomma, I LOVE lima beans and liver, as does my kid.

I have been a picky eater my entire life and also have a son with selective eating disorder (fear of most foods), so I know all extremes here.

My best advice is to leave her alone. Give her something she will eat. She may have a very sensitive palate, like I do. In fact, many of the foods I avoided as a kid are ones I've learned I can't eat due to my IBS. I suspect my body knew all along what was safe for me to eat.

If I was forced to eat something I didn't like, I would sit at that plate all night and go to bed hungry. That tactic didn't work and made me feel like my parents didn't accept me or understand me. Bribery didn't work, either.

The best tactic? Acceptance. She's a picky eater and that may never change. Over time, I started trying new foods on my own terms, but it never happened when foods were forced on me.

We always try to include something that each person will like. As an example, a few nights ago we had grilled chicken with rice and corn. My daughter loves chicken and rice, but won't eat corn. My son loves rice and corn, but won't eat chicken. I knew that both of them had something on their plates that would satisfy. On evenings where we have more "one pot meals" like last night (home-made chicken noodle soup), my son doesn't like soup, so he made himself a PB and J. He tends to be my pickiest eater, so that is the standby for him. He will make it himself if he doesn't want to eat what we are having. We have a similar rule as others, in that they both have to at least try it, but if they truly don't want it I am not going to make a battle out of it. They both learned how to make sandwiches at age 4, so they take care of their dinner themselves in those instances.

I think you can make some simple adjustments. First, stop offering choices that are not healthy. You can also make your own chicken nuggets instead of the processed ones. My son gobbled them up - cut chicken breasts or tenders into nugget-sized pieces, dip in egg and a mix of whole wheat bread crumbs and wheat germ (with any seasonings you like) and quick-fry in olive or canola oil until crisp on the outside, then put on a metal rack on a cookie sheet and bake the rest of the way. Instead of fries, make your own oven friend potatoes with russets or sweet potatoes and a drizzle of oil, plus any seasonings you like (or just plain) - finish in the oven with the chicken nuggets. Noodle soup is fine - just grind up some veggies and put those in. You can also make oven-roasted veggies - carrots, broccoli, cauliflower, etc. There are plenty of recipes with "hidden" veggies - I know Jessica Seinfeld has several cookbooks with spinach, butternut and cauliflower puree that gets added to other things (e.g. mac & cheese). I used to hide all kinds of things in my son's food - falafel is a good one, so are burgers (spinach, onions, carrot shreds, black and refried beans, and more).

Change how you view "dessert" - don't make it about cookies and pie. Serve fruit and maybe some Greek yogurt with a little chocolate sauce on it, or frozen fruit cut up to make a parfait.

A lot of kids have texture issues, and they don't like different foods to "touch" each other - no broccoli cooties on the chicken, you know?

Make a salad bar or a taco bar and let people serve themselves. Make a game out of make-your-own pizza with a green pepper "smile" and sliced meatball "earrings" and a broccoli floret "nose" and cheese "hair".

I've also seen people put an ice cube tray out for the younger children, with the same food as everyone else, but in separate compartments. Think cheese cubes, cut up carrot "coins", cucumber slices, some walnuts or almonds, a spoonful of peanut butter and some apple slices to dip in it, maybe some hummus and some raw green beans to dip, a few pieces of 2 different fruits. In fact, everyone can have the same food, maybe without the ice cube tray - it's still a healthy dinner.

I'd stop the "no dessert" battle - it just sets up the dinner as the "punishment" people have to endure before they get to the good stuff.

The thing is, she can't be kept at the table while she's crying. You have to excuse her from the table but let her just see that she's missing all the fun from everyone else being together. I wouldn't let her watch TV but she can certainly read or do some drawing in the other room. She will eat if she is hungry, so I'm thinking if she's going to bed with no dinner, she's either too tired or already full from something else. Take away the bribery, and take away the drama.

She's getting a payoff from the crying and the drama - so take away the battleground. Make the dinner table the fun and "cool" place to be, and make the meal the meal, not just the precursor to the good stuff. The older kids can have cookies or ice cream after the little one goes to bed, if that's how it has to be.

My middle child was a picky eater, still is at 9 years old... I never made it my problem, he is normal and healthy, no medical or mental problems, therefore, I was able to do my job as a parent without guilt - I prepared and served three healthy meals and two snacks each day. If you don't eat breakfast, no morning snack, if you don't eat lunch, no afternoon snack. Oh, you're hungry? I'm sorry, that's a real bummer! I bet you'll be hungry for the next meal then, won't be too much longer. I didn't make him stay at the table and carry on, watch us eat, etc. He was required to drink his glass of milk at dinner. I would ask him if he was choosing to eat dinner or not before helping his plate so as not to waste food. I just didn't want to
make eating a battleground, nor was I going to be a short order cook with three children. He knew the drill and really never asked for a snack after a skipped meal, he's still more picky than my other two, but he eats most things now, or will use certain components of a meal and not others... Last night we had spaghetti, he still dislikes a red sauce, so he eats plain noodles with butter and some spices, no more or less work for me, no extra ingredients. He also hates potatoes, always has, so if I grill steaks, and have potatoes as a side, I try to ensure the veg is one that he likes. I get that he doesn't like some foods, we all dislike some foods, but over the years he has tried a lot of new things and really liked some of them, all without yelling and nagging and fighting and dragging down the family dynamic :)

I have talked at length with my children's pediatrician for a strategy that works for us. It is an ongoing conversation with my husband as well. He knows as a working parent the exhaustion and frustrations at the end of the day over food so we keep each other sane. Currently we deconstruct most meals. I plate whatever we are eating but keep it separate for the kids. If they pick at it and don't really eat, then I don't have a fit over it. There is a world of difference between making two meals and having a go to, no cook alternative. For us a half PBJ is our no cook quick alternative. Finally approximately thirty minutes before bedtime (at least an hour after dinner), I make an offer of a snack which is something like yogurt, fruit, cereal or a PBJ, depending on how much or how little they ate at dinner. I make sure what I offer I can live with. As well it is worth noting my kids are not big eaters at dinner. Their big meal is lunch. I have to keep that in mind because I can’t expect hearty eating if that’s not their track record.

I pick my battles and my dinner table is not one of them. I went hungry as a child because we didn't have money. I ate spoiled food because it was that or go hungry. I can go on but suffice it to say my attitude about food is different because of my personal experiences. My husband shares a similar background so we are united on the food front. Bottom line my children will not experience hunger and will not go to bed hungry. Good luck in finding what works for your family.

IMO, give her a little of something she will eat, something she might not eat and a wild card. Encourage her to try and if she's not hungry tell her she can be excused but no snacks or treats. With my DD she either eats well without complaining or misbehaving and gets one small piece of candy or she gets none. If she cries at her plate, she can be excused. We have also asked my DD to stay at the table, not eating, and converse with us and be a part of our dinner conversation. Sometimes she goes back to eating once she's not psyching herself out about it.

If she won't eat a veg that is cooked, consider raw. My DD likes raw better and it's no problem for us to keep some out of the pan. Or she likes deconstructed tacos. Okay, so what if she likes her shell apart from her cheese and lettuce? She's eating. Giving her options like that may also help not be a short order cook but give her some control over her meal. My DD doesn't like mixed foods - no sauce, no pizza, no soup other than Ramen. We try to bear that in mind when we make a meal and offer her things individually. We had fajitas last night and she had the steak, tortilla and cheese separately and ate a banana and lettuce instead of the peppers she didn't like (which we knew she would not eat). We ask her to taste new things and then she can say, "no, thank you."

Tonight we are doing sour kraught and she is eating leftovers from the other night. We all will eat the same salad and bread.

I have an aunt who will haul out food again and again and I don't see the point. So the kid finally ate it? What did you gain? Who "won" and was it worth it? I see a lot of wiggle room between being draconian (especially for adult food tastes) and letting the kid subsist on nuggets and soda.

To me this is just not worth the battle. Why battle with a picky eater?

My DD used to be like this - she ate mac & cheese, red bell pepper slices, and hot dogs. For like a year. So if that's what she wanted I really just didn't care. I'd prepare it all ahead of time - in bulk. sliced red pepper for a few days at a time in a ziploc bag, I'd make mac & cheese and make different plastic containers to microwave at dinner time, and I'd boil a hot dog. Eventually she got really tired to eating those three things and began trying new things.

I decided to only do battle on the big stuff. So if she wanted to wear her christmas dress to school why not - it wouldn't fit her next year. If she wants to eat mac & cheese for 6 months straight - oh well.

She's 18 now and she'll eat Thai food, beef stroganoff, grilled chicken on a salad, peanut butter & jelly, etc. In other words - this is not worth a battle. Maybe when you ignore her food choices she'll start being a little more flexible.

One of my kids suddenly became less picky when I stopped letting him have milk or juice to drink between meals. I limited him to water only, and suddenly he was hungry enough that he was more willing to try.

I do not play a battle of wills game over food. I don't argue or bribe. I make one meal. You can eat it, but you don't have to. If you don't eat, you know when the next meal is.

That said, I do try to have at least 1 thing on the table that I know my kids will eat. If I'm making a new kind of entree, I'll serve it with green beans (my kids like green beans) so that even if they turn down the entree, they can fill up on some beans. Or if I make an entree I know they like, I'll pair it with a new side dish. I always put a little bit of everything on the plate to start. But I don't track who eats what.

I think dinner should be enjoyable. I would drop the food battle with your daughter. Stock up on easy to assemble foods that your daughter likes. Make one meal for your family. If your daughter doesn't want that, let her have fruit, yogurt, applesauce, cereal, toast, etc. instead. It's really not a lot of extra work.

I have always been a picky eater. You know what makes a meal horrible? The "food pushers", the "you need to eat three more bites", the "If you want dessert, you need to finish your vegetables" the "I want you to try it" people!

Enjoy your time around the table.

And please, don't make dessert a "reward" for eating/trying food she doesn't want. Have dessert simply because it's delicious.

Best,
T. Y

Stop doing this. She's 4. Their taste buds are hyper sensitive. It woul be life if you had to eat lima beans for EVERY meal. It sucks. You'd dread mealtime.

Do not send her to bed hungry. She's a child dependent upon you for survival, safety & security.

For now.....feed her what she will eat. She's still a young child. More towards toddler than child/kinder-age.

Her current menu is completely normal In a year or two, she will change.
No kid will like/eat what we eat at age 4 (chili, steak etc.). It's ridiculous to think so.

Never, ever send her to bed hungry. She doesn't get it and I will venture to say you never, ever go to bed hungry. It's so very hard & so sad. Please don't do that to her. I implore you to try that once. It's not an easy feat. I just made myself something at 10pm at night because I just didn't eat enough to satiate my food intake & stave off the craving.

What worked for my picky eaters? Making palatable, kid friendly, nothing fancy, normal food. My kids didn't eat spaghetti until they were 5. At 6 they liked grill chicken, tiny bits of steak etc.

Remember their taste buds change every 6 months so roll w/the changes, think of new easy/normal/not too crazy things to make. Think chicken nuggets etc.

Try yogurt, cheesse sticks, cheese & crackers, apple slices, peanut butter on toast.

Be patient. Things will get better w/their eating habits but not if you make it a punishment. It will work against bth of you.

Be flexible. Think of them first

And remember it's not picky. It's normal.

While you feel she may be ruining your meal, you're ruining her little, can't understand why they get mad at me for not wanting to eat that weird stuff thing. Work WITH what you have & things will start to go more smoothly.

"French Kids Eat Everything" is a great book! The author had two daughters of a similar age and similar eating problems. Immersion in the French culture was essential to her fixing those problems, but the mother also had to change her/their family habits. She has some very solid ideas. I checked it out from our library.

Also, I must say that you and your husband must set rules and have a solid plan before you start again. You are essentially retraining your child. You must be on the same team and back one another up. My sister and her husband have horribly picky children and it primarily relates to no set rules, inconsistency and not supporting one other.

I think you also need to be prepared to let your child be hungry sometimes. Either to let them understand that arguing won't be tolerated or to ensure she actually has a healthy appetite for the upcoming meal.

A few examples of rules: Do not make separate meals for your child. Do not give them snacks or other food if they won't eat what you cook. All food must be tried. It's ok to go to bed hungry. Food should not be used as a punishment, reward, bribe, etc. Make sure they are hungry (not too many mid-meal snacks!).

I'm fascinated by the number of parents that say, just give them cereal or something they can prepare themselves! Not sure who the parent is in those households. Our family meals are probably the best time of our days. No arguments, kids eat real, healthy food, great conversation, no TV, phones or distractions. We all enjoy our time and meals together without everyone doing their "own thing". The choice is yours!

Good luck!

My oldest child would eat anything and everything. So we were surprised when child #2 came along and was the pickiest kid on the planet. However, because we had one kid who would eat anything we put in front of her, we figured the younger one would eat normal food when she got hungry enough. Our pedi confirmed this, and told us that no kid anywhere has ever starved themselves. So our mealtimes at that age pretty much consisted of putting about 2 tablespoons of food (that everyone else was eating) on DD#2's plate, and watching her melt down about it (she was not an easy preschooler... good lord, but that child was soooo difficult about everything. Ugh). If she said, "Ewww! Gross!" she was excused from the table, and had to go sit in her room. If she said, "I hate this!" she was excused from the table, and had to go sit in her room. If she made disgusted faces, she was excused from the table, and had to go sit in her room.

I'd leave her plate there, so that when the rest of us were done eating, she could come out of her room and pick at it all by herself.

I do not make two meals, and I do not allow for snacking after dinner (unless the child in question has already eaten everything on the plate and is still hungry). If you don't eat what's on your plate, too bad, go get ready for bed.

Eventually she started to eat what we were feeding her. Now, she's almost 10 and will eat anything and everything. She will eat raw oysters, duck confit, any and all vegetables and fruits, stinky cheeses, you name it. It just takes some kids longer to come around, that's all. ;) Just don't cater to the picky eater, and eventually the kid won't be a picky eater anymore.

The other thing you can try is to have your daughter help you prepare the meals. If she sees what is in the meal, and how you prepared it, she may be more interested in eating it.

Oh, the dreaded picky eater! We have a three year old who is the same. It can be downright frustrating, I know. In our house, we strongly encourage the kids to try new foods, but my son is stubborn, strong-willed and there is no winning the food battle, so I stopped trying so hard. Sounds like your daughter does have a range of foods she likes...and a fairly decent repoirtoire to choose from.

I refuse to make separate meals to suit each child's taste. I make one dinner and try to include something everyone likes. But some nights, like tonight, the only thing he'd touch was cut up red peppers. The pasta was "the wrong shape" . If my son flatly refuses what is offered, he can get himself a container of plain yogurt and choose a fruit or vegetable, or he can go to bed hungry. Period. I stopped personalising his food issues a few months ago and now take a much more carefree approach. I assume as he matures, he will be more open to trying new foods....either that, or he'll live on yogurt for a looooong time. Hang in there...keep offering new foods but don't sweat it if she refuses.

I have to agree with B on this one.

My daughter has told me many times that I feed her the same meal for a day or two while everyone else what was on the menu. So she learned how to eat the food that was served. There are two things that she will not eat and I adjusted those items. Now at 37 she eats almost anything that is cooked. It was a struggle but I never let it become a war.

Remember children will not starve themselves no matter what. Perhaps there are texture issues but that you have to find out and serve the rest of the meal as is.

the other S.

My kids were really picky when they were little. I used to take them to buffet restaurants once in a while and every time we went they would try something new. Kids like having lots of choices and the power to choose. They also tended to try new things when they would eat meals at their friends houses or go away to summer camp.

I finally looked at myself in the mirror and saw a mean ugly person who was making a child's meal time horrible. You need to stop doing this to her.

I was at a local school for the free lunch program and my friend was saying I should just get my granddaughter to take a bite and she'd taste the food and like it. So I put a tiny bit of food into the front of her mouth. She started puking and screaming and gagging and puking more. She screamed for half an hour. We all had to leave.

All I had wanted to do was get her to take a bite and taste it.

You need to understand that if you continue this she will develop eating disorders and probably never eat a healthy thing once she finally moves out.

You have to know this is not a healthy way for mealtime to go.

You are not a short order cook by any means by you have to include something she will eat into every single meal. She has to have something in her stomach. Making a little kid go hungry because she won't conform to your demands is not good parenting. Sorry that's not what you want to hear.

Allowing the stress to stop and letting her make her own choices will free her to try new things. Making her feel bad about herself will have negative effects and she'll associate that with food. Letting her eat food at every meal will help her develop the habit of eating with family again. It will take time.

When the stress of mealtime was gone my granddaughter actually tried new foods every now and then. She still eats her own way but I don't focus on it and make her conform to my way or no way. Being a dictator to your child is not the way it's supposed to be.

#1. Kids will NOT get hungry and eat it. They will get hungry, stay hungry, grow to hate you because you deny food to them, and they'll end up in the hospital from lack of nutrition.

#2. Kids will get ulcers and develop other stress related health issues when pressed beyond what a child should be pushed.

For new dishes or more complicated foods, I give my kids a teaspoon amount of the new things and just ask them to try a bite. As long as they know that's all that is required, and they don't have to like it or eat it again, they did it. I don't punish them by not letting them eat dessert, in fact, most evenings dessert isn't that exciting anyway. They might get a small piece of dark chocolate or a small bowl of berries with homemade low sugar whipped cream, or an old piece of Halloween candy. Many nights we have no dessert at all.

I think if you remove the battle, she might start trying a few more things. Just give her a dab and see how it goes. If she refuses, no big deal. My kids are good eaters, but they do have certain things they won't eat. It doesn't bother me. One ended up becoming a vegetarian and one can't stand cream sauce and mayonnaise. I just make other things. When they were younger, I assumed they wouldn't really eat anything like casserole or anything with many ingredients and lots of flavors. If I made something more adult, I'd give them a kid friendly option too. For example, I don't mix the stir fry sauce in with the veggies and serve my son plain sauted veggies before adding the sauce for the rest of us. So, maybe each meal for your family could be a combo of new things for her to try and at least one thing she likes.

I try to think of it from their perspective. If someone told me I had to eat all of my squid with a side of liver or I can't eat anything else, I'd be pretty frustrated and feel pretty sick. I outgrew my hatred for mushrooms and tomatoes, but wouldn't have dared touch them when I was four. We all have our things.

My son was picky, but had a hyper-sensitive gag reflex. He got so he could walk by the kitchen and see something he didn't like and go throw up. I would just be sure that there was part of the dinner he did like. He loved fruit so there was always a fruit option he liked as part of each meal. He grew out of throwing up thing by age 5. Then he had to have 3 bites of each thing (again I had at least 1 thing I knew he liked that was healthy) and then he could make a peanut butter sandwich. There were times that he refused to try it. I didn't argue, I just told him he wasn't allowed to leave the table, couldn't have anything more to drink and couldn't have a sandwich until he did. One time, he sat alone at the table an hour after everyone else was done with only the dining room light on. I didn't engage in the argument. I just told him he had to try it and walked away. He did eventually try it (he didn't like it) so I gave him peanut butter. That was the last time he fought me on trying anything. He just accepted that was how it was going to be.
He's now 19 and has a fairly wide palette. My biggest piece of advice is to stop engaging with her and allowing her to ruin the meal for everyone else. Once she knows the boundaries and that you will stand firm she will comply.

I am fortunate that our issue was not so bad. However, when I made dinner, I made ONE dinner and that was it. I didn't make special orders.

I make a homemade marinara that my family (especially daughter) loves. Hubby is Italian so it is not unusual to have a pasta serving with dinner. So I had some sort of pasta with my marinara almost nightly.

My daughter LOVED her pasta but she also tried foods we ate from the beginning. Funny story.. she was in preschool and they asked each child what their favorite food was and this picture went on display on the wall. My daughter said steak, salmon and lamb chops! Yes, she did and still does enjoy those but I would have bet money at the time she would have said pasta and marinara!!!

I always did fun stuff with food also... assembling funny faces, designs, etc that she found fun to eat... celery, raisins, peanut butter, nuts, fruits, etc.

Don't allow it to ruin everyone's meal. She needs to know that she does not control the family.

We rarely offer dessert in our house. We just don't eat it sweets. The only time we have it available is during the holidays and then... I buy 1/2 of a pie or 1-2 pieces of a dessert when I know I will have guests because it goes to waste here if left for just us.

We started sending our daughter to her room at the first negative comment or ugly face in response to her plates. It was not acceptable, if she didn't want it, that was fine, but she was not to make faces or comments over meals. She didn't get anything different from us unless it was taco night (we like it spicy).

Stick with it! My daughter is now 8 and FINALLY getting over "it". She's a stubborn one. Everyone has their favorite foods and foods that they just don't like. Also taste buds change sometimes in regards to foods. She loved chicken nuggets, now she doesn't. I'm also able to now finally tell her to just get the food into her stomach so she doesn't have to taste it anymore. "It does you no good if it's on your plate."

stop the fast food!! my kids got very little fast food growing up-and quit making a fuss-put her plate of food on the table and let her be.the more attention you give her on this the worse its going to be.your giving a 4 yr old way to much control at meal time-your the parent take control back.

I like your combination of lots of different advice to make something that will work for your family. My son has a lot of sensory issues and it resulted in a lot of picky eating. While I didn't cook a different meal for him, I would serve him the individual ingredients. For example, since he hated all things with tomatoes, I would serve pasta without the spaghetti sauce. I would serve his vegetable frozen instead of cooked (due to texture. Now he is 11 and taking a culinary class at school. He is very excited to make new foods and try them in the class as well as try them at home now. He says cooking things himself makes him feel more adventurous.

You know, I think I have more patience for picky eaters becuase I was such a picky eater as a child. I literally remember gagging on food and going to bed hungry. So frustrating when you really find the food revolting. I think that's what gives me the patience for it -- I remember truly finding the food tasted AWFUL. Many years later some of the most offensive foods from my childhood are now some of my favorites. I could live off of vegetables now but they made me gag as a child.

I think my tastebuds really took a turn around age 14. I also remember my grandma did something brilliant. When I was about 8 she promised to take me to a fancy restaurant where you get very dressed up. I wanted to go so badly. But then, "she realized I wouldn't eat anything there... so we couldn't go yet." Every time I wouldn't taste something she would say, "oh darn, we are definitely not ready to go yet!" I seriously think she used that for two years to get me to try new foods. :) It worked and we went to the restaurant. It was such a fun memory and she made such a big deal out of it.

Whether it's right or wrong, I am a kind-of short order cook. I make dinner for the grownups that lasts two days, so I only cook a big meal a few times a week. I platter up two grownup dinners, and then the kids get cheese, yogurt, fruit and a little protein (either peanut butter, hummus, or some kind of meat). Have not figured out to get kids to like veggies yet, but I didn't like them either until I was much older. So I get it.

I make them try new things but I don't freak out about food.

Could you just have a standard go-to if she doesn't like your dish? You could have her try one "thank you" bite of your family meal. If she doesn't like it, no problem, you get cheese, a strawberry, and a PBJ. (Just have something that's easy to platter up.)

I also have found my kids are willing to try things if I make them a little more kid friendly. I have a bunch of fun mini shaped cookie cutters (small -- like one inch) and make stars, gingerbread men, and hearts out of their sandwiches. They are fun, finger sized and the kids will try them. Rollups either whole or cut into pinwheel shapes are fun to try. And I have also used umbrella toothpicks or little toothpick swords, but you don't get one unless you eat the tiny meatball that's on it... that kind of thing. :)

My best advice to you would be to stop the food war. At this point, she might be coming to the table ready to fight. And you might be too, whether you realize it or not! Maybe tonight, just come to the table and say, "OK, S. pea -- no more drama at the table. You try one bite, if you don't like it, you get this. Deal?"

Have you read "Bread and Jam for Francis?" That's kind of the idea. :)

I get not wanting to make a separate meal. I used to say that too. But the reality is... it's not working, and it's making meal times awful. So fix it. :)

What I might try is having her sit at table but without a plate since she won't eat what you make. Ignore her. She might cave. I personally won't battle over food because having raised four kids, I found out that even the picky ester comes around. My one granddaughter is lucky the other one will eat anything. Breakfast is never an issues. She eats any breakfast you put in front of her. Lunch eh. I offer different things but usually go with what I know she will est. If I give her something she does not like, PB N J is the old standby. I don't want food to become a power struggle.