My 5 Yr Old Confides with Me, No One Wants to Play with Her, My Heart Is Broken

Everyone so far has given excellent advice. My daughter is 11 and also comes to me with that problem. Not so much now as she used to. Unlike your daughter, my daughter doesn't have too many friends in the neighborhood to play with. We are active in church, 4-H and Girl Scouts right now. If nothing else works, you could try to put her in Girl Scouts. It would be a great opportunity to get to know other girls her age that enjoy the same things that she does. And it builds self-edteem.

I had issues when my son was a bit younger with the extended day, too-- based on my son's interpritation of events. The ratio of kids to adults is usually pretty high, plus the people they hire aren't usually highly trained in child development, to put it mildly. But in the couple of situations I've had, I spoke with one of the child care providers-- either one I felt was "on the ball" or one my son asked me to speak with-- and usually the situation ended up totally different than the way my son saw things. Sometimes there is a small misunderstanding-- and since she is only in kindergarten and still learning the rules of socialization, I think it is 100% OK for you to step in and see what you can do. No, you can't hold her hand and help her through this literally-- but, yes you can ask the adults if they have a point of view your daughter hasn't seen, and ask them to keep an eye on things.

Hey P.,
As a former childcare teacher, I agree with Carrie. Things like this happen all the time, however there is nothing wrong with checking into it, our job as caregivers/parents is to teach our children how to communicate and understand what is going on around her. Say you observe the kids at play, you will notice a lot, you may even notice a point where the teacher should teach the children how to express their feelings w/o hurting other's. Most of the time it is a child who is not used to having more than one friend. Children start to experience jealousy at this age too. Again it is our job to teach our children how to handle it. It is also the teacher's job to intervene at times, she too must teach the children social skills (because that is what they are experiencing and learning at this age)this should not go ignored however it is more the teacher's job to do this. If she is not than you can set an example. By all means I would observe from a distance simply because some caregivers are clueless! Good Luck N.

Hi P.,

Observation by the daycare is a good step to knowing what is going on but sometimes other kids are just like that. Whether they mean to be cruel or not doesn't matter, it still hurts.

You can't fix this problem. Continue to encourage her to be kind and not leave anyone out. Reinforce with her that it doesn't matter what others do, it's what she does that matters and remind her that she has lots of kids in the neighborhood that like to play with her.

P., it breaks my heart too. My youngest had that problem at that age, but now at 12 the other kids gravitate to her. And you're right, it is a part of growing up, the hard part!

Regards,

M.

I will answer form a child care providers point of view.

Children (especially once they turn four ou five) tell everything in exaggerations. And I have noticed that girls are FAR more sensitive about "who plays with who" than boys. It's likely that the boys go home and tell their mom that so and so took his ball from him, while girls go home and say "she won't play with me". It's also likely that your daughter and her friend will be frieand again bfore you even get a chance to talk to her teachers. Girls do this. It's something that won't stop ever. They'll probably still be doing it in high school. And haven't you noticed some adult women still act like that?
The point is, don't get too involved in her social situations. Let her learn adn grow without you being involved every step of the way. Don't set her up to think that she is such a "prize" that if any other girl doesn't play with her for a day then there must be something wrong enough that Mom needs to get involved. Tell your daughter something like, "She won't be your friend? Well just be nice adn sweet no matter what, adn go play with someone else." Then drop it. These little "spats" are a normal part of childhood. They don't mean that your daughter hass something wrong with her. They don't mean that the other girls do either. This is how kids learn to be a part of society. Lwet her learn without your involvment. ~C.

My son will sometimes tell me that certain friends of his say to him that they are not his friends anymore. It breaks my heart and then I sometimes hear that some of these "former" friends have hit him. Well, I decided to speak with his head-teacher. She had no idea that he was hit, as she was not there at the time. She did say the children usually tell each other on a day-to-day basis if they are friends or if they aren't friends. Some children just might be cranky at the time and not want to play and can only express that they don't want to be friends, rather than "needing space today". So I hope your daughter's other classmates decide to warm back up to her. I'm sure its definitely not something she has done.

We all tend to know that our child must be loved by all, but there are some kids out there that are a not as nice as our own and therefore we are baffled by what is going on.

You have the right idea by speaking with the care provider. But just don't do it infront of the children. Just simply talk quietly while everyone is playing and not paying attention...and never accuse any child or point out who said what, that child may hear you.

Like I said, some times the children need space but can't express it so they say the easiest thing like "you're not my friend anymore" then again some kids change and are never the same person. Encourage your daughter to continue to play nice as she is and I'm sure those kids will come around!

Good luck, P.!