My 6 Year Old Hit Sister's Friend with a Towel

I think that it was unfair to send your son in the first place. I think it was VERY unfair to take your daughter home and essentially punish her when the punishment should have been only for your son. You're only getting the side of the story of a six year boy who is upset, when it sounds very much as if the girl likely had the other flipper already and needed the one your son had. When you're a guest in someone else's home, especially a guest that invited yourself over simply because your sister was invited, possession is NOT 9/10ths of the law.

Anyway. You're only getting the story through the children, and that's never a good idea. You need to talk to the mother if you want to clear things up. And you need to give her a sincere apology.

You can't really be serious that you wouldn't want your daughter going to play at her own friend's home if her little brother isn't welcome there? ESPECIALLY considering his behavior was abominable? I'm sort of shaking my head here that you're questioning that family's behavior and morals considering the issue that you're bringing here.

One last thing... you should have STAYED to keep an eye on your son knowing that he's, um, a handful.

you should not negotiate everything with your son. you should have picked him up said your being a brat and so you have to go home. and left your daughter to play. why did you bring her home because he was having a tantrum? its ok for kids to be mad, its ok for things to not be fair its life. this is your daughters friend not his. and maybe the little girl doesn't want to come to your house because she doesn't want to play with him?

in our house one of the sayings that gets said at lot at that age is
Fair is a weather condition.

You seem to have issues with accepting the outcome of your actions based on past posts. You are here claiming you can't judge her behavior and morals but really you can just as she judged yours.

Rather than discipline your child who clearly has self control issues you forced your daughter to go home as well. I would not allow my children at your house based on that. After all if you are that indulgent with witnesses who knows what you would allow your son to get by with at your own home.

Don't know about her morals but she sounds like a somewhat strict and reasonably protective mom.

I feel for you, I really do.

Let me tell you what I think about this situation, having also been the mom of a son who got too upset about what he considered to be unfair. I think that the girl is a bit spoiled and is used to getting her way. She is also used to having people over to her house on HER terms. She's a drama queen and that's probably something that gets on her mom's nerves.

I also don't believe that her mother issued this edict. I believe it's from the girl alone. She is trying to manipulate you and your daughter. She wants your daughter ONLY to come to her house. She doesn't want to come to your house because it's not "fun" enough and she doesn't get to call the shots.

You were sweet to want to help the mom out by having her daughter to your house, but you forgot that when you sent your kids over there. All of a sudden, she became 4 children's sitter. You allowed this girl to manipulate you into doing it - do you realize this?

You have to understand that playdates for your son are a minefield. I had to accept that my son needed structured activities with adults present to help him. When he had playdates, I had to be close by and I had to be careful who the playdate was with. It was my job to help him get through this.

Do I wish that he had been easy, like other kids, like his younger brother? Yes, gosh yes... Was it hard, learning that my son was not an easy kid? Yeah, it was hard. Thank goodness my second child was easy in that regard...

So my advice to you is to go ahead and accept that you just cannot send him places without you. It would be far better to invite a carefully chosen child to YOUR house to play with him. And put him in structured activities that have adults who are trained to deal with kids. Gymnastics, swimming, soccer, soft ball.

As far as the girl is concerned, when she realizes that you are not going to send your daughter over there, she will possibly come over if she likes your daughter. I think that really, your daughter is just someone for her to pass the time with so that she won't be bored. If she really liked your daughter, she wouldn't care that your house wasn't as "fun"...

Good luck~

Personally, I would not have allowed them to go over there in the first place, regardless of what the other mom said or what her daughter wanted - the play date was planned at your house and that's probably what the other mom was counting on, not all of sudden having to have her daughter back plus 2 other kids with their pool that she would have to supervise plus take care of her baby. I would have just put my foot down and if they were bored with the slip-n-slide, told them to find something else to do until the play date was over. Or you could have just allowed only your daughter to go over. But then, if they were both already over there, and your son was misbehaving, I would not have made his sister come home too - she wasn't doing anything wrong, and she shouldn't have to miss out on something fun because you were afraid of your son making a scene. There were many different ways you could have handled this before it got to the point that it did.

I would take what the other girl said with a grain of salt because you can't believe everything they say - the mom could have said something like "no more friends over" in a moment of exasperation and her daughter took that to mean both of your kids. Or the girl could be being a drama queen and a bossy-pants and taking it upon herself to tell them they are not allowed over. Personally, I would call the mom, apologize again for your son's behavior, tell her what her daughter said, and try to clear the air.

Here's what I would have thought "IF" I were that other mom.

You took her daughter so she could have a break and you couldn't keep her away for even half an hour. She needed that break, you let her down. It's pretty easy to say no and stick to it with a kid, they can't drive or walk all the way home. The little girl needs to hear the word no more often I imagine.

So when they got there not only did you drop her kid back off you left her with 2 extra, when she was the one that was supposed to be getting the break....no wonder she got annoyed and said he had to go home, she wanted to lay down and sleep and ended up watching 4 kids instead.

She was most likely worn out and cranky and not going to put up with anything so she over reacted. I would have too so I can be a little forgiving towards her.

Here's what I think about the whole thing. Call the mom and listen to her. You let her down so she sort of has the right to rant a bit...lol. If these girls are going to be in class together next year you need to get this smoothed over so they can get along and get past this.

This mom should understand her daughter was being rude too but it's not likely she wants to hear it right now. I'd wait a few days before calling her.

Only invite her child to your house, do NOT allow your kids to go to her home until you guys are better friends. I cannot understand how parents drop their kids off at someone's home they don't know nor have spent time with them so they are friends. I would stay with the kids and never leave them.

I can see where the other mother is coming from. Your son demanded that you "punish" his sister for his poor behavior and you did- to avoid a scene. Your son is old enough to know better than to hit another child and to be on his best behavior in someone's home. She probably tried to stop the situation before it escalated and your son continued to antagonize the girls. Three is a crowd, especially when the "third wheel" is a younger brother who doesn't respect the rules of the house.

My son had one friend when we were living in NY who was always welcome in our home, but his older brother was a nightmare (2 years older) and as a result, my son was not allowed to be at their home unless one of us was there as well. We always offered to pick the friend up at his house when we invited him for a play date because I did NOT want the bratty brother to "stay for a while". Any time he did, it resulted in tears and a broken toy.

What should you do?
1. Call the mother and apologize again for your son's behavior and offer to have her daughter over. If she declines, then let it go.
2. Remember that the child who commits the "crime" gets the "punishment". If you continue to give in to your son to avoid a scene, you will find yourself with an entitled son and a resentful daughter.

Kids sometimes say things that are not exactly as they were stated by their parents. Her mom might have said "he can't come anymore until he can behave" or she could have said "If that's how he acts, I don't know that I want you playing with him at their house either". Talk to the mom yourself.

BTW, I would have let my daughter stay. She was behaving and you let your son's poor behavior ruin it for her AND allowed him to tell you what you were going to do.

If you were supposed to be helping the mom out, why would you send your kids over for a high supervision play date in their pool? Not only can't the mom rest or focus on the baby, a pool requires vigilant supervision, even if the young swimmers are strong. At a minimum, you should have stayed to supervise and not make her do it. I would have resented that. Personally, I would apologize or bad judgment on your part, offer to help again, and become a little stronger with disciplining our son.

Talk to the mom. You can't assume what the girl told your daughter is true, they are children. Maybe the girl only likes playing at her house and is making an excuse. You can't possibly know until you talk to the mom.
Also, you shouldn't let your son "refuse" to do anything, who's in charge, you or him? Next time he's misbehaving or causing a scene take him and GO, why punish your daughter for his behavior?

Well, it's unfortunate, but you can't undo the past. And honestly, it sounds like you made a few mistakes. First, you could have politely declined the invitation. Especially if your goal was to give the other mom a break. Secondly, I wonder at 6 and 7 why you weren't there to supervise? You left two kids at a pool with a mom who could easily be distracted by the new baby. I have a bit of paranoia about the water, even though my kids can swim...so I may be a bit overprotective in this department. And like others have mentioned, your daughter got punished for your son's actions.

ANd yes, kids bicker and fight. It happens. And I agree, it does seem a bit much to no longer allow her to come to your house. Your son wasn't acting on his best behavior...ANYONE with a kid has witnessed their kid misbehaving at one time or another, it happens. But if this mom is just getting to know your family, she may have some concerns about your son being around her daughter. It's unfortunate, but she didn't get the best first impression.

If it were me,for the time being, I'd set up play dates at more neutral locations....the park, a museum, splash park, etc. That way both of you will be there to watch the kids and you can both get to know each other a bit better. Maybe amends can be made that way. Or maybe you'll get to know each other and realize it's not a good match.

Mary:

Why not call the mom and talk with her? Better yet!? Have her and the baby over for tea or lunch while the other kids are in school and TALK WITH HER? You say she never comes to your home - do or have you invited her over? Many people do NOT just "show up".

I get that you have stated you have social phobias, etc. but this is something that you need to address. Kids say things. They also say things OUT OF CONTEXT...like my son said his teacher said he was ugly...what she said was "don't be ugly" - she doesn't like the word "rude" and used "ugly" in its place. What my son heard? "You are ugly". So how did I resolve it? I went to the teacher directly and said - this is what he heard - can you tell me your side? This other mother may have said "I don't want her brother over anymore" what the girl heard? "I don't want you playing with either of them." So call up the mom and ask her over with the baby so you can talk.

If it turns out there is a problem - then address it. You need to be able to teach your kids how to handle social situations too.

What your son did was wrong. You acknowledge that. However, her actions were wrong too. She grabbed something instead of asking for it. Both were at fault. They are kids and need to learn from adults how to handle things...while they may not see you working it out - they will know things were handled when they play together again.

Since your son is younger? If you can handle another kid over - find a boy his age so they can be kept separate. The last thing some girls want is their little brother in their space and face!! :)

I am trying to understand how all of this got so jumbled. You invited this girl over to play with your DAUGHTER.

This was to help the mom, who has just had a baby. Awesome!..

The kids played on the slip and slide but the guest got tired of that and suggested they go to her house.

I can understand that if there was just 1 thing to play with they would get bored. You said you made other suggestions, but next time you need to have some set activities. Or think outside of the box. Include your daughter in this plan.. Let her know that her friend will be there for 2 hours, 3 hours.. whatever.. and make the plan..

Also you must speak with the kids about how to host a guest in your home and how to behave at other peoples homes. This is not a last minute conversation. This is a conversation over time in small talks.

Slip and slide, swings, sprinkler, baking cookies, girls playing in your daughters room,Playing store, Setup their own water obstacle course. or very last resort.. a video, karaoke.. Kids are clever..

Maybe you could have taken them to the park to play.. Just call the mom and say, the kids are finished with the slip and slide, would it be ok if I took your daughter to the park with my kids?

Then pack up some snacks and load them in the car and let them play at the park.

Also remember, your son is not really part of the play date. This was for the 2 girls. He maybe needed to have his own friend over, but ONLY if he is good at playing well with others. Or you would need to keep him occupied and busy with you. Just because the guest was tired of the slip and slide, does not mean your son could not continue with you watching him.

These girls do not need a little brother to play together.

And No, If the plan was to give the mom a break, I would have never considered taking all of the kids over to their home, even though the mom was being gracious.

If I was completely desperate I would consider taking the kids to play at a playscape associated with a restaurant. It does not have to be McD's.. I am sure there are other places they could have played. Here in our city there are locally owned food places, that serve family friendly foods, but with a play area. Ice cream, finger foods, whatever I would have contacted the mom and packed them up, purchased an ice cream for each and let them play.. Again you supervise brother, so the girls can play together.

Do not beat yourself up. Take this as a learning moment. At some point call the other mom and apologize and let her know you would love a do over, but this time have a plan.

We live in the smallest, least glamorous home of all of our daughters friends. That never was an issue. We do not waste time comparing our lifestyle with others, instead we just love people and sharing our fun with them.

A couple of weird things to me....
#1 - This woman just had a baby. Why didn't you go with your kids down to the neighbor's pool and help watch your kids?
#2 - Your son refused to leave? Um, he's 6. He doesn't have that right. My son would have been over my shoulder and in the car lickety split.
#3 - Why not just call the other mother after a week or so, when feelings aren't so raw, and suggest getting together. Say that you would like to be there too to make sure that there are no issues. Instead of having it be a "play date" have it be two moms getting together with the kids.
Then you will get to know your daughter's friend better, her mother better, and you will learn about their behavior and morals.
L.

I would call the mom. Ask how things are first and if everything was okay with the way things went the other day. Then tell her you would like to invite the daughter over for a play time or lunch or something. If mom is the one that said the girl could not come over, then mom can tell you right then. If the girl was making up anything, you can also know. When my niece was little, there were girls down the block that did not want to play with her little brother so they would say that he could not come to their house and they could not leave it. My niece HAD to go over there all the time. Turns out, the easiest way for them not to have to play with the little brother was to say this.

The plan was to give the other mom a break with just baby.
The day headed south when this girl insisted on dragging them all to her house.
What else was the mom going to say?
You should have stayed in control. Maybe redirected them to do something else. Not sure the ages of the kids, but under 7 or 8, the parents need to take a little control.
You could have said something like "slip & slide for 30 more minutes, then we'll get out the ABC..."
You already banned your child from their house for forever, don't take to heart the things a small kid says.
Kids are going to have disagreements, when they're little a parent can step in & diffuse or END the play date. It's not always a good idea to "modify" the play date by switching houses, etc...

The mom should have said no to them all coming over in the first darn place. Watching 3 kids in a pool with a new baby for 3 hours when it was not planned - no way. I think the mom realized she bit off more than she could chew and told her daughter no more playdates at the house. Her daughter prob. just added on the part about your house because she would rather stay at home in her pool. What she does not fully realize is that leaves her alone with no one to play with.

Sounds to dramaish for me I would step back from them anyway.

Yeah it seems like this situation just spun out of control and ya know, sometimes that happens.

Based on your other posts, it seems like you have some social anxiety so it's possible you are unnecessarily stressing over some of these things.

I also think we need to address that this "mandate" came from a 7 y/o girl and should not be taken at face value, in addition, this girl seems to be a bit bossy and possibly her words or her mother's words were taken out of context. Also, and this is a big one I think, the other mom just had a baby, so she's overly sensitive, tired, etc. and who knows what she said or thought in the moment, but that doesn't mean she feels the same way now.

I would give it a bit and as someone else suggested, offer to meet in neutral locations for a while and then talk to the mom and say okay, let's try another play date at our house b/c I really do want to give you some time with the new baby! Try and be light about it! I know this may be hard for you, but you could even send her an email if you're better at that! Stay away from the slip-n-slide all together and focus on the girls just playing! Also, tell your son that he can play with them for a little bit that he can't play with them the entire time. Have something in mind he can do for himself like watch a movie or play something with you...or try and set him up on a playdate of his own.

I'm sorry this happened. I understand if the mom does not want her daughter exposed to a kid that would hit her on play dates, so that's probably why she said that her daughter can't go to your house anymore. Yes, kids sometimes bicker but hitting is another story. I understand banning playdates with a hitter, and your son definitely deserved consequences for that. It's a shame that he didn't have the consequence of going home from the pool playdate while your daughter got to stay.
I think it was a mistake to send your son there to play. It was nice of them to invite him, but you're right, three is often a crowd. Your daughter is the other girl's friend, he is not and as you said, he had never gone on a playdate without your supervision. The mom may not have realized that before you sent him over and didn't realize she'd need to be a referee. She's probably used to her daughter having girls her age over, and they play/get along nicely.
If your daughter gets invited over there, I'd let her go occasionally. You can invite the girl over, and if the mom says no, then she says no. I think a problem is less likely to happen at your house because your son has his own things to do and play with there, and you are there to watch him. All I can suggest is to call the other mom to apologize and tell her that it was your son's first time going on a playdate without you to supervise him, and you realize it was a mistake. Good luck

Sounds to me like the real problem is they were not being properly supervised, especially with a pool/water involved. What if instead of fighting over a flipper, someone had hit their head and fell in the pool. I wouldnt let my kids got there again. Also, the mother telling her daughter that about your son was also not cool. Sounds like you are not super close with this family anyway, I would just avoid them in the future and move on.

Some kids just like to be at their own house. I would have not sent my son. Three is a crowd. I would just let things ride for now and let the girls play.
The other mother is okay with it, so then to me I don't see a problem. You should not have punished your daughter for your sons behavior.

Mama was tired. The towel issue was just the straw that broke her back.

You seem to have a problem saying no to your kids.

1. The kids should not have gone over. You know that the mama is post partum.

2. The son should have been punished and brought home--not your daughter.

Um... I think there is a little bit more going on here than is apparent. First, this new friend sounds very, very controlling. We have a neighbor that is the same way. She can only ever play with one child at a time, and it took me a long time to realize it's because she has to have all the attention centered on her. Her younger brother is the same exact way. He once threw a full blown tantrum in my backyard because one of my son's friends dropped in while they were playing. The younger brother immediately tried to shift the play over to his house and told the drop-in friend he couldn't come along. When they both refused to relocate, bam! A tantrum! So I wouldn't be surprised for the friend to have moved the play date to her house hoping your son wouldn't follow, and when he did she pushed your son to the point of misbehaving.

That, coupled with your son's limited experience being on his own, was a recipe for disaster. There is no way there could have been a good outcome, in my humble opinion and experience.

As for the friend saying telling your daughter that she can't come to your house anymore, I DOUBT IT. I think she's just using the situation as an excuse to have all play dates on her terf where she can rule the roost. I'd call the mom on that one. She sounded very, very nice from what you said. Tell her once again you apologize for your son's behavior, that in retrospect you were nervous about him going because he has such limited experience on his own, and that you regret to hear that the friend can't come to your house anymore. At which point the mother will either confirm or ask you "what"??? I'm guessing the latter.

Good luck! Aren't kids fun!?!?!?

I would talk to the mom. If she is as nice as you say, she will talk to you. I wasn't there, but sometimes kids will just have a moment. To ban her DD from your home for one incident that seems very normal for kids seems harsh. Absolutely he shouldn't hit anybody, but now your DD is punished, too. I would see if this was a real edict or a child's interpretation of a conversation. If there is no budging, I would propose play dates at neutral locations instead of homes.

my first thought, is how did your son "refuse" to leave without his sister? i don't get that, he is 6...........i would have made only him leave, and left his sister there to hang out with her friend.

second thought, your daughter and this girl can be friends and not go to each others houses. or let your daughter go only sometimes. so maybe they will hang out less than they did before when they both came to each others houses. if the mom just had a baby, maybe she over reacted by saying the girl can't come to your house - or like someone else said, maybe the mom didn't actually say what the girl said. i'd ask the mom.

For now, I'd do nothing. Why the need for sweeping proclamations about who is allowed where in the future? These are kids, they are going to make mistakes. How does your daughter feel about this friendship? I'd follow her lead. Maybe she'll step back and take a break from the drama on her own. If she wants to pursue this girl's friendship, then the next time the girls want to get together, insist she doesn't just go over to the friend's house. Because that didn't work out so well last time. Offer to take the kids to the park, or invite her to your house. You can even invite the Mom over for coffee while the kids play, or go to meet at the park together. Yes, I'd want to spend some time directly observing the dynamic. I definitely think it wise for the siblings to have a friend of their own, otherwise it sets up a challenging situation for younger kids to manage. If they refuse any kind of get together but your DD going to their house, I'd be friendly, but firm, in that you really want to mix up the get togethers.

I would call the mom.
many blessings

I'd call the girls mom and talk to her about it. Her daughter might have misheard something or she could have made it up.

I personally wouldn't have let my kids go to a pool without my supervision at that age. Especially if mom just had a baby, she needs to have her focus there not on 3 kids in a pool.

I'm glad you talked to your son about his behavior but since the kids are at such a close age it is he said/she said and the only eye witness is your daughter.

S.

I think you handled it well - you disciplined your son with immediate consequences and discussing it. You also apologized profusely to the mother.

At this point, you should call the mom. Tell her that your daughter claims her daughter said she isn't allowed to play at your house anymore. If it's not true, problem solved. If it IS true, talk it out and see if you can find a solution that will make her feel comfortable sending her daughter to your house. It's entirely possible that her daughter just made that up because she doesn't want to come, but that the mom is actually fine with it. Just give her a call and see. And make sure she knows that you don't have any intention of sending your son over there again.

Ugh! What a pain! Sounds like a small disagreement got blown way out of proportion.

Some parents can see no wrong in their kids, this other mom may well be one of those so she thinks the issue was all your sons fault, although it sounds like this girl had plenty of fault of her own. I would be a little concerned for how your daughter might get treated at the other home if everything is always the other child's fault. Also, I agree I would not feel comfortable doing play dates or sleep overs at a home where the other child was not allowed to come to mine.
It is possible that the mom was just annoyed because she never intended to host a play date that day, but got stuck with two extra kids anyways.
I would talk with the mom, but it may be the case that this friendship has run it course if the mom is so unreasonable.