Well my kids 9 and 7 fight and one always cries I tell them to stop they never do i ground them I do a lot what else should I do?
I told my children that if they can't get along, they can't play with anyone else. They are best buds now and only need to be reminded of that rule now and then.
Are they bored?
My sibling, used to just do things all the time, just to irk me. NO other reason. On purpose. I of course didn't just take it.
So havoc ensued.
There is usually an "instigator"... one of the kids. And the other is a "reactor" to the instigator. Thus, constant back and forth "fighting." And it is a vicious cycle.
Do they have their OWN things they can do? Is one of them more domineering than the other? Or are they both doing it?
You have to see what they dynamics are, between them... and try to problem solve from there.
Also, reinforce that you are ALL a family... to have each other's back... to look out for one another. Not it being that one is yuckier than the other, or one is better than the other, and it is not a competition.
For the Instigator... this child should have consequences. And have to earn back... any privileges etc.
Or, you punish BOTH of them... regardless of who's "fault" it is... some Teachers do that, and punish the entire class... the goal being that if ALL are punished (and it is not fair to the innocent one's), then that way ALL the kids will "behave" because they won't want to be punished for something they did not do etc.
There are also MANY books on "sibling rivalry" or "sibling relationships." You can check it out on Amazon and read the reviews there, of the books.
My sibling as I said, always "picked" on me, and because she was older... she could manipulate the situation to her benefit, and then "blame" me. And it was amusement for her. To see "me" get blamed.
Its a hard thing, to stop. But, What about your Husband? He has to and you, both be on the same page about it.
AND, since your kids are older, I would ALL sit down, have a "family meeting" and clearly delineate what is allowed or not. And make it a TEAM effort.... or a 'game' to see who can get along and use incentives.
If they are merely bored..... then they need a DAILY routine of things to do... not just left to their own devices. And, make them do CHORES too, everyday. And along with basic decency and behavior..... they have to learn, how to be a "family" and have each other's back. Try instilling that in them...
I know, not easy. But it has to start somewhere.
All the best,
Susan
my brother and I were like this. Once we got into our 20s and were in college.....we became super close.
Do you ever take sides? Do you ask them what the fight was about and try to mediate? Do you scold one and not the other? I adopted 4 brothers and they used to fight constantly and I tried to figure out why and smooth things over. I finally got fed up and as soon as they raised their voices I made them sit on opposite sides of the room and not talk to anyone for 10 minutes. IF they talked the 10 minutes started over. At the time the ages were 12, 8, 4 & 2. I didnt have problems with the baby, but the others soon learned that it wasnt worth the consequence. I NEVER took sides, even when I knew who started it. All I would say is I dont want to hear it and if you cant argue quietly you WILL have to sit quietly.
I know several young families who have used Siblings Without Rivalry, by Faber and Maslish, with very good results.
Help them communicate. Give your kids the words that they need. "I am not finished yet. "I need some space." "I would like that when you are finished." Kids need grown ups to help them communicate their needs and wants. Also if they are in a cycle of fighting they may not know how to break it. They don't know how else to communicate with each other. If they just cannot be with each other, instead of grounding or sending them to time out, have them pick somewhere that they would like to play without the other. If they are fighting, it is not safe and you need to know that everyone is safe in your home. One may want to play in the basement, the other in their room. You may need to help with the choosing. Punishing will make them mad at you and each other and they are not gaining any life skills. The purpose of discipline is to impart life skills. Teach your kids how to communicate or find space when they need it.
B. Davis
Child And Family Coaching
http://www.ChildAndFamilyCoaching.com
When my sister and I would fight, our mother said it's OK to fight, but we had to take it outside. That diffused the situation immediately. Anyway, try it and see what happens.
Do they have separate rooms? I would tell them to go to their rooms and stay there until lunch/dinner/family time. Read a book, do homework, finish folding clothes, clean rooms, watch TV etc in their rooms. Often they would get bored in an hour and plead to let them play with each other again. Truce would last for a few days and the process would start again. Summer time is the worst. Good luck.
Hang in there - my children are older and I think it has gotten better. Then again summer vacation has just started :)
I have my fingers crossed.
my 2 youngest are 10 (girl) and 7 (boy). Our house rule is no touching and to be "nice" to one another. So when they do start fighting, it's usually because they started touching each other and then yelling, then it's a fight. So I tell them to each go to their rooms for a set amount of time (usually 15-20 minutes) and remind them they are to be nice and only say nice things. That has really helped. If they start acting up, I will say to them "are you guys being nice to each other"? and that usually stops it. Good luck!
