My Daughter Is Very Rough and Throwing Tantrums at 9 1/2 Months

I have a 10 month old girl and I have to say it sounds pretty normal. It is a phase, not a fun one, but just a phase. She is still a little too young to really understand what she is doing. She understands that she wants something and wants it now, but doesn't understand beyond that. That comes in a few more months. My daughter rips things out of my 3 year olds hands all the time, she wants what he is playing with, totally normal. She throws a fit if she can't have it. We do re-direction and give her something else to play with. She is too young to understand discipline (cause and effect) she is exploring that now. Be patient, it is a phase. Also, you can't really discipline at this age. Redirection works well and good luck.

Hi M.- Seems pretty normal to me. At nine months kids don't have any understanding of others pain or needs. She just knows what she wants and is doing the only things she can to get it. She doesn't (and won't for quite a while) understand sharing, being gentle or empathy. My girls bit me at this age, pinched and would arch their backs and cry to try to get what they wanted. Neither girl is aggressive, rude or defiant now, in fact they are both very sweet, smart girls at 6 & 9. Just keep doing what your doing. When she hits or is way too rough use a simple phrase or word over and over like "please be gentle" or "no hitting". When she throws a fit for something she can't have just tell her no and let her cry. You could explain why she can't have it in a really simple way but don't give it anymore attention. This is just practice for the real tantrums that will come as she grows up. Don't let her see that it gets her anything as that will just reinforce the behavior. Girls are not sugar and spice all the time. I think sometimes we expect our girls to be soft and gentle in nature which really does not serve them well in the world as they grow up. Teach her the boundaries but let her express herself even if that means she's a little aggressive at times we all need to be both strong ans gentle to thrive in this crazy world. Good luck and enjoy this time, girls are awesome!

First off, M.... I'm so sorry for the loss of your first husband. How truly awful and tragic and my heart just aches for the pain you must have endured.

As for your current issue with your baby girl - it sounds like maybe at the times that she is acting out or aggressively, she is actually just very frustrated by her own physical limitations, even at this young age. Does she sleep well during the night? Does she also show very gentle sides? If so, at what times of the day? I'd say you are doing a good job at showing her acceptable behavior and when she does start to act out, just calmly walk away and tell her that Mommy is going to sit calmly (unless she's hurting herself or someone else) for a few minutes until she able to calm down. She may be too young yet to get the language but she for sure will get the physical message by watching you calmly react (if she still is rejecting you holding her calmly or rocking her gently to help her calm down).

Remember, you may see it as 'aggressive' behavior, but it is out of frustration with being over-tired/stimulated and/or hungry that babies and children act out in ways that reflect their own internal frustrations physically because they don't have the language yet to express themselves.

My daughter as a baby and toddler went through many iterations of this. She's always been very strong-willed and independent, even as an infant and baby, with extremely strong muscle control. So when she was over-tired and stimulated she would cry inconsolably until she was able to calm down in a dark room so she could finally rest and renew. At the same time, she was very visually stimulated which would tire her out faster than other babies given the same amount of stimulation. For her, her brain was intensely processing the stimulus where as other babies who didn't have that visual focus and highly energized nervous system never behaved in the ways my daughter did.

I hope this helps... it sounds like you've been through a lot. If you'd like to keep in touch, please feel free to contact me. My daughter is now a strong, intelligent, loving, creative five year old who has a baby brother she adores (although, they of course still fight and act out... all normal behaviors for children!).

LOL,
dida

You are doing just fine by teaching her how you would like to behave. My daughter is 2 now, and was also a "hitting, grabbing, rough, pushing, etc." baby. She would also arch her back at 9 mos. and throw a little tantrum. Now they are bigger tantrums, but we get through it and she understands that hitting, grabbing, pushing, etc. is not acceptable. Her tendencies to be rough are just her personaltiy- and I love it and embrace it because I see now that she is a tough little girl who knows what she wants and doesn't let others push her around. She just has a strong personaltiy, and I'm sure your daughter will learn to control herself when she is older. Don't worry about it!!!

I am taking a class called "How to make your children mind without losing yours" . The advice on tantrums is just to walk away. Don't react at all to the tantrum. As soon as the child realizes they won't get a response from you, the tantrums will stop. It works.

Hi Michellee,
I know what your are going through, I'm seeing signs of aggression in my 5 mt old. He gets mad often, there is a BIG difference in his "sad" pick me up cries and his screams and grunts when he is not getting his way. I have been doing exactly what you have with trying to excude "gentel" behavior and say things like "that hurts mamma, be nice to her", but it doesn't make much of a difference.
I am outraged that someone from this site would tell you that you are to blame for her behavior. What a nut! I may have used to think along those lines, but since I've had my son I know that some babies are strong spirits and need a little more work/training. Like you, I have been doing my best... but I guess could use some advice too. I've thought about quitting this site all together because of the preachy nuts that can't help but to spew off negativity when you are reaching out for help.
I guess I can't offer much advice, i just wanted you to know that you are not alone.

I have seen many medical papers that claim these issues of the central nervous system, IE: agression, inappropriate laughter, tantrums, even autism, dyslexia and asbergers are caused by toxic buildup, yeasts and mycoplasma, due to infection with a spirochette bacteria Borrelia burgdorferi. This spirochette's favorite place to hide is in the central nervous system. It hides in the white blood cells of the immune system, hense no antibodies are made to combat it because the body doesnt see it.

It also blocks and hijacks the vitamin d receptor, so people infected with it will be vit D defecient. Excess vit D in the foods you eat will only feed to bacteria to grow bigger, leading to progression of disease including skin cells (eczema) and intestines (IBS,reflux, ulcers,) anemia, and soft bones due to vit d deficiency, etc...
Foods that feed it are also food most people are allergic to:
SOY, milk, grains,nuts, apples, seafoods, eggyolks, flax, cod liver oil, mushrooms.
The "allergic reaction" is the bacteria growing and causing further symptoms.

Fleas, mites, mosqitoes, tics can all transmit it. Also person to person transmission is possible.

My youngest daughter was born with fungus, knock knee'd and also has autism and agression isues. After 6 years of research, i think I found out the issue. She is going to be tested next week for this bacteria.I found a lab in florida that does the blood work and checks it under darkfield microscopy.
Get in touch with me in a few weeks and i'll let you know how the test turned out.

http://samento.com.ec/sciencelib/4lyme/beyondantibiotics....

http://www.springboard4health.com/notebook/health_lyme_di...

http://www.marshallprotocol.com/forum32/1263.html

I think that what you are describing can be perfectly normal behavior for a 9 month old. She's not yet old enough to control the impulses you are trying to teach her to control. She will eventually begin to respond, but 9 month olds can and do throw things, pull, tantrum and shove. Ripping things from someone's hand is also normal for this age. Your lessons will eventually take, but just realize she is too young yet to know, fully understand, and most of all, to control her impulses yet. Even two-three year olds who understand what is being said can have difficulty stopping once the behavior is in motion. Just keep reinforcing appropriate behavior and try not to stress about it. R. (licensed clinical social worker and mom of four)

i think she is learning the rough behaviour from your sons-kids are like sponges.also i think she feels she has to be tough seeing as she's the smallest in the household.as for tantrums-these should not be tolerated-i think the best thing to do is ignore the behaviour-any response whether good or bad is reinforcing the bad behaviour because it's attention.i think when she sees she gets no extra attention and doesn't get her way that she will stop the negative behaviour.

Hi M.,
I agree with the other two ladies, that she does not understand at this age others feelings or if she is hurting you phsically or someone else. My daughter (18months) would constantly hit my husband and myself in the face, and at times she still does. I would take her hand and say "not nice" in a firm voice but not yell and take her hand and gently stroke my face with it. It took several weeks if not months but she finally picked up on it and instead of hitting me she smiled and gently started to stroke my face all on her own. I think she was looking for attention and did'nt know how to get it. Stay paient....Boy I know it can be difficult but it will come, just remind yourself to stay calm and when she does something "nice' praise her like it was the biggest deal ever, mine loves that. Its funny I started clapping my hands and saying "what a good big girl" when she would eat a blue berry, now when she reaches in the bowl and takes one to her mouth she starts clapping her hands and looks for me to do it as well. It may not be a big deal to us, but to them it could mean so much more.
I agree with the mom who said that when this passes she will pick up new behaviors that will get you frustrated as well. Just know you are not alone and it will pass.

I've been trying not to give in to the tantrums, at home or in public. I've noticed that she may cry for 2 minutes trying to get her way, (seems more like 20 minutes crying)but she usually will stop, and immediately when she does stop, I start talking and playing with her again like nothing happend, yours may be a bit young for that but maybe in a few months that advice will help you.
Best of luck...
M.

Regarding the tantrums every child has them and every parent has delt with them at one time or another. This is what worked for me;--let her have her moment--make sure she is in a place where she cannot hurt herself and do not react to the tantrum. It should stop in few seconds--then gently talk with after the moment. They are pretty comprehensive at this time--tell her that it is not nice to throw toys or act out then give her a hug. Sounds like you are trying out and giving verbal responses back on the right behavior. Has she started talking ( baby talk) to you yet? Maybe start teaching sign language to her --so she can communicate what she needs. Lots of moms use this and it seems to help as many times toddlers can't communicate verbally.
I did have a friend who experienced the same with her little girl ( a bit older about 2) and she was diagonsed with delayed speech.
The parents once they got the diagonsis signed her up for a special program at We Care Services for Children off of Kirker Pass Road. It was a like a pre-school program and within about 4-6 months their was a HUGE improvement in the girls behavior. She starting talking better, her hitting and tantrums were almost gone--and she was a much happier child.
Best of luck with everything--do not let anyone tell you " did it to her" sometimes we as parents just need to tweek what we are doing to help our children--when the other things do not work.

Wow you've gotten alot of different answers--blaming it on allergies even! It always cracks me up when parents blame everything else instead of addressing the behavior (it's allergies! It's toxicity! It's someone else's fault! It's YOUR fault, you need to think differently!) Look, this is a behavioral issue. It's normal. She's pushing/testing limits, this happens at every age! You need to either be firm or to walk away or both. In my house, when toys are the issue, the toy takes a time out. She needs to learn communication and boundaries. (I'm a firm believer that children need to know what is expected of them in order to feel safe). What a great age to start! You'll figure it out, each child is different and so each solution will be different. But identifying the behavior is the best place to start. From there it's trial and error. In my house this process has led to a family where each family member is heard and respected but also knows what behavior is and isn't okay.

Hi M., you have received a lot of advice and info. I believe all of it has merit. It is very important to discern if the challenge is age appropriate with the influence of older brothers or caused by other challenges that are not discipline issues and need attention.

I do work with kids and the current epidemic issue of toxic body burden which is passed on to our children in utero.. see www.ewg.org.. body burden study... and the effects on the processing systems of the brain and neurotransmitters.
I would like to encourage you to watch a 9 minute documentary : www.sharethecause.com/live

This documentary outlines the challenge in 1/6 children of this generation. In addition a potential solution option.

I also encourage a book.. "What your doctors do not tell you about vaccinations".... which is extremely informative.

I would be happy to talk with you and assist in putting together natural safe solutions.. feel free to contact me. L. Medina

You might want to consider taking out some of the allergenic foods in her diet. Wheat, milk, soy, eggs and nuts are common ones. Very often, children have food allergies or intolerances that cause them to feel irritable (just like adults do!). They usually express this discomfort or irritablitly in their behavior since they obviously can't use words.

This approach has worked for amny children that I know. Gluten (found in wheat and some other grains) and diary are usually the culprits. You may want to do a little research on this online. (Lots of the research can take you to the topic of celiac disease so her is an article on that so you know what it is:
http://www.celiaccentral.org/What_is_Celiac/13/

Anyway, you can just search "gluten intolerance dairy behavior problems" or "food allergies behavior" and you will find many articles to start your study. Going gluten and dairy free has even helped the extreme behavior of many children who are autistic or have ADD/ADHD.

It could be just a phase your daughter is going through! I hope so but it never hurts to research like you have been doing. Your daughter is very lucky!

Take care.

Hi M., try re-routing your thought process. Instead of saying your infant daughter is rough and has tantrums, say ..."my daughter is precious and has a lot to say" or "my daughter is a sweetheart and loves to play". Really focus on positive thinking and visualizing. Then, be sure to rework your responses to her. If what you are doing isn't working, it is up to you to do something else. Try meditation for yourself, play classical music, turn OFF the tv and video games, encourage your sons to interact with her in gentle and soft ways, tell her "This is how we do things in our family" "This is how we play nicely" and use positive redirection. Intelligence is the ability to interact with one's environment, so make your environment one where you don't have to say NO a lot. Put all items that are breakable or special up and away. Be sure there are lots of stuffed , soft toys and cloth books and blankets for her to play with, model how to play by showing her. Pick her up and dance around and sing a song to distract her from her old response of frustration. Tell her you hear her and look her in the eye to validate her feelings.

Maybe go for counseling from a family therapist, you are a blended family and you have a past you are stronger for, but perhaps need to thoroughly grieve through. A great book to read is Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma by Peter A. Levine.

Good luck. Be well, relax, keep breathing and enjoy each moment with your baby and your older sons and your husband. Life is an adventure:)

At her age she is showing independence. Around that age I started with simple command words with my son to help him communicate his needs like up and more. I figured if he did not grasp the language then I would start Baby Signs. He flourished with language the moment he figured out its power. Of course it also helped that my hubby constantly made animal noises with him and we both sang to him and read to him alot! I also used very simple language with him. In time I began to give him two choices and in the beginning he would always repeat whatever word I said last. I would say apple or bananna and whatever word he tried to mimic is what he got. Her frustration will pass when she figures out a way to communicate. I had a friend who taught her daughter 'switch' when it came to taking toys away from her or others.

When your child acts out, leave the area for a brief moment, making sure she is safe. No attention will quell the behavior sooner than any negative attention. This works and works rather quickly if you are all consistant. She is trying to work out how she can get interactions, reactions and entertainment. She will be changing in her interactions and reactions everyday. Be patient.

M., I think sometimes we tend to want our discipline of our kids to bring immediate results. We know it doesn't work that way, yet we tell them once or twice and get frustrated when they don't respond immediately the way we want them to. I agree with Kari that your daughter's actions seem quite normal for her age, and Kari's advice is right on. I just want to remind you that it's going to be a continuing battle from now on, and don't give up. Once she's finished with the current behavior, there will be another one that will frustrate you. It's all part of the growing up routine, and as much as you'd like things to always be smooth sailing, she's probably learning more when it isn't.
The only thing I can add to what Kari said regarding the tantrums is that we have found selecting a certain area of the house where tantrums are done has helped us deal with them. In a childcare situation, as we have, it isn't safe for one child to be throwing a tantrum in the middle of the room, wherever they happen to land, so we tell the child to go to the tantrum area until they are finished, and if they don't go by themselves, we pick them up and gently put them there with the instruction that they may come away from there when they have finished the tantrum. I believe that also helps them to learn that they are able to have control over their actions and that better actions will, in the long run, equal more fun. While a child is in the tantrum area, we do our best to ignore him or her.