Hi Ladies,
I hate joining these sites when I know I may not stay actively involved in them, but I'm desperate, so here goes. My 10 yr old has been best friends with the neighbor girl for nearly four years now. Until this past school year started, there were no problems to speak of between them; I considered her to be a model friend for both my daughters (I also have a 13 yr old who has some special needs and has struggled with making friends, and this girl has always been lovely to her). However, the girl is a year older and a grade ahead of my 10 yr old; so predictably, we are now encountering some "the friends in my grade are older and cooler than you" issues with her in regards to how she treats my daughter. For many people, the answer would be easy: Just break it off entirely. But unfortunately, I embraced this girl a little too much years ago, taking her under my wing at Girl Scouts (since Mom works all the time and appears to feel intimidated by the whole "getting involved with her own children's activities" thing when she isn't working - there are also some cultural differences that I believe contribute to this) - plus, taking this girl and her brother to church with us sometimes and on other outings. Yes, we got in way too deep. Now, I don't know what to do. I sat them both down last week and told the girl, "I know what's going on, I wasn't born yesterday and you're not fooling me. You're hurting my daughter deeply. I've always loved having you around and being like your mom at Girl Scouts...but if you continue to treat my daughter this way, all of that is going to stop." She appeared very upset and legitimately contrite; for the next couple of weeks, she began to treat my daughter much better. Now, though, it's basically morphed into her walking alongside my daughter to the bus stop every morning out of what she perceives to be her obligation, barely speaking to her and then when the friends her own age meet up with them, my daughter may as well not be there at all. On the way home, they ignore each other entirely. Obviously, my daughter is hurt to the point that she no longer wants to be friends, and I essentially support this. The only problem is handling this with the parents, who are oblivious to what's been going on. Let me be clear: They aren't druggies or absentee or anything like that...but when they aren't working, they don't pay much attention to the in's and out's of their kids' friendships. If I were to explain their daughter's behavior to them, the dad would question my truthfulness and the mom would take half an hour to understand the full picture (she speaks English but appears to struggle with comprehension at what I consider to be very ironic times, if that makes any sense) - and then, would likely do the "kids will be kids and they have to work it out on their own" thing (I know this because of her reaction when I first tried to nip this in the bud months ago). Well, I'd love for them to work it out on their own, but the point I need to make is that I've tried that for months now to get the girls to work it out without them (the parents) understanding any of this...and now, I'm at a point where I just want to say I'm done, I'm done enabling you. So I guess the bottom line question is how is this done without insulting them...how is it done without a huge fallout? For us, it's already been upsetting for months. For them, it would be pretty much brand new. Thanks for any insight you can provide. I really appreciate it!
Okay, so this is the same day since I wrote the initial question so it's obviously not an actual follow up, but I wanted to respond to a couple of people who said I may be out of line. I should have been more specific in describing what I told this girl. I did not literally tell her I "wasn't born yesterday," - however, I did tell her that I was aware she had lied to me when denying that she said certain things to my daughter (they aren't things you'd define as classic bullying, but they're hardly kind or friendly things either). My attitude, when I approached her, was that I wasn't born yesterday...but no I didn't say that to her. To those who have said not to get the parents involved...I still am not sure it's that easy, but I will try it and thank you. To those whose responses were kind and supportive, thank you.
This is going to sound a little silly - but Elmo on Sesame street had to learn that sometimes big kids have to play with big kids and little kids have to play with little kids. Explain this to both girls together so they both understand that is okay to be freinds with kids their own age AND be friends with eachother - and it is okay if they are not included in all of the others events.
Thanks for posting this. I am sorry this is happening.
I am going to learn from this not to get too involved myself. I too have a child we take to Scouts as well as other places. She started excluding my child whenever someone else showed up at the playground. I talked to her M. who sounds a lot like the other M. you wrote about. I then sat the girl down and reminded her I am the one taking her places and doing things with her. If she likes my daughter, going places, and doing things she HAS to be nice to my daughter and stop doing those things that I WATCHED her do.
She stopped the exclusion so we do things with her still. If she had not stopped, I would have lost the M. as a new friend. I would have hated it, but my child comes first.
It's not clear if this girl was bullying your daughter or being mean to her; or just distancing herself and becoming better friends with other girls.
If it's the former: if this girl was actively being mean to your daughter -- then it's okay to say what you said.
If it's the latter: if this girl is just growing apart from your daughter and finding other friends -- then I think what you said to her was way out of line.
This girl is only 10 or 11, and you are a grown woman. Friendships come and go for people of all ages, and it is quite common for kids to switch friendships.
This stuff happens, it's a part of life, and you can't lecture someone into remaining friends with your daughter. Just because you did things for a little girl for part of her life doesn't mean she's obligated to be your daughter's friend forever.
It's sad for your daughter, but she will get through this and find new friends. When my daughter's friends dumped her, not ONCE did I say anything bad about them to her. I told her they were little girls, and this kind of thing happens, and she will find new friends. And she did.
I think they really need to work it out themselves. I had a similar situation with a neighbor girl growing up (she was also a year older). She also started ignoring me/being rude to me in front of her "cooler", older friends. She and I ended up not being close after it all began. I think it was right around your daughter's age that it all occurred...oh what a great age! The moms tried to talk to each of us, but things didn't get better with her, so we both just kind of ended things. Our families were/are very close friends, and if there was a family event, we would hang out, but we just realized that it wasn't in either of our best interests to be friends anymore. She is now a lovely woman, and I enjoy her company thoroughly when we are together. I think maturity and growth come with that. I hope your daughter can figure out that it isn't worth being friends right now and you can let this other little girl "go".
You are definitely too involved.
No kid likes being scolded by their parents, I can't imagine how this nighbor friend felt being scolded by her FRIEND's parents. If I were her I would be uncomfortable around your family forever now.
You need to work on this situation from your daughter's perspective and leave the other gal out of it. It's not your place to parent your neighbor's child. You don't control the friend' actions. All you can do is work with your daughter about how to respond to and react to the friend, and how to personally deal with what is happening to her friendship. You should not be involving yourself with the other daughter and the choices she makes of how to treat your daughter. Again, it is not your place to parent the other girl.
Stick with working with your OWN daughter on how to handle what is happening. And by that I mean, how to respond to the girl if she is mean, how to work up an attitude of 'moving on" and how to strengthen other friendships she has in her own grade.
In time these girls may come back to their friendship, but I think when you stepped in to "talk" with the girl and come to your daughter's defense, you made it worse, not better. Now you need to back off.
I wouldn't bring it up with her parents (since they seem to be out of touch anyway) unless it came up that they were expecting you to take her out to all these girl scout events or whatever. Then I might say "you know the girls are kind of having a falling out right now, and I think it would be awkward to keep putting them together all the time... any chance you can get someone else to take her to this event?" and leave it at that. The drama is among the little girls and you need to be sensitive to that, but separate yourself from it.
This sounds pretty normal and they do need to work it out on their own. It would be nice if they could be friendly (don't have to continue to be best friends) but you can't force it. You can demand that she not treat your child badly but you can 't force a friendship.
I would suggest that you leave the door open for her to still be able to come over, maybe go to scouts or church with you on occasion but stop forcing a relationship.
Sometimes it's OK to do nothing.....no rides to scouts, no walking to the bus stop together, no trips to church........try that maybe?
I wouldn't try to force them to stay friends... when girls get older and make other friends, their personalities can change. It sucks for your daughter, but why should the other girl HAVE to be friends with her just because you were nice to her? If she doesn't want to hang out with your daughter, that's her prerogative. You don't have to continue taking her around... you were helping your daughters friend... If they aren't friends any more it isn't your problem. (harsh as that sounds.) This may be the first time (or it may not be, I don't know) your daughter's friends will drift away, but it most likely won't be the last either. She needs to learn to deal with this pain, and move on. She will be a stronger person for it, and she will be much better off with friends that WANT to be friends, instead of "friends" who are obligated to hang out...
Good luck and I feel for you. I think for the people that are responding that you need to stay out of it or to keep the other parents out of it, they apparently didn't read your whole entry very carefully. This is not just some school chum. You are neighbors, and the parents and the other girl obviously have an expectation of YOU, separate from your daughter that you are going to take this child places and act in some sort of mentoring fashion to this child. So it is TOTALLY appropriate for you to explain to that girl that you are a package deal with your daughter and that as much as you may like her, you love your daughter and your daughter always comes first. If she is treating your daughter badly, then she will no longer enjoy the benefits of your company. At some point, that will have to be explained to her parents also, because it seems they have been relying on you heavily to cart this kid around places. Again, I wish you the best of luck and perhaps in the long run losing you will be a wake up call for both the girl and her parents.
.
I think you're over thinking this. Sadly (very sadly) this is a really simple situation. Two girls who used to be close friends are now growing apart. It sucks, and it's heartwrenching, but it happens. It happened to me - my best friend for years suddenly made friends in the cool crowd in fourth grade. She was never mean to me but just explained one day that she would rather hang out with them. It broke my heart but it wasn't really anyone's fault; we were only nine! We are now Facebook friends in our 30's :)
This is really something the girls need to work out on their own. You can't force the other girl to be friends with your daughter; all that will cause is resentment at best and cruelty at worst. If she doesn't want to be friends anymore then that's that. It's not really her fault, and it doesn't sound like she's being intentionally mean, or teasing your daughter, or anything like that. If they need to go their separate ways, then that's that.
As for how to handle your relationship with the girl, that sounds trickier, but try asking your daughter how she feels about it. There's no need to be mean to the other girl, since this really isn't her fault (she can't help how she feels); just tell her that your daughter is hurt that they're no longer such close friends. I would try to be nice and inclusive to the girl unless she is being overtly mean to you or your daughter (which, again, it sounds like she really isn't), or if it just hurts your daughter too much to have her around.
Hi C.,
there is nothing you can do, esp. try to mother someone else's child. there is an age difference (even if it is just one year) between the friend and your daughter and now that difference has taken over. I don' think you can sit her down and make her upset, because even if she were your daughter, you can't force her to be friends with someone. i think you just support your daughter, and help her build new friendships. they should remain cordial, and maybe the friendship will pick up years from now, but for now it seems it's done.
i wouldn't talk to the parents because again you or them cannot force the girl to be friends with your daughter.
good luck
Hi C., I've warmly embraced all my kid's friends over the years. They are older now 18, 16, 13. I've seen all their friendships go through rough patches. Sometimes they recovered, sometimes they did not. I always am a little sad when a close friend stops coming over. I think it's a very normal part of childhood.
I won't try to 'force' any child to treat my own child like I would prefer my child treat them. I can only instill common sense and self respect in my OWN child and allow them to make their own choices regarding their own friends.
I think your daughter will find other girls she likes just as much or more in time.
I hope this helps!
Have a great day!
do you socialize with these parents? are you friends with them? it sounds like you don't have much respect for and/or like them...so i guess i'm not sure of the problem. you literally say your daughter doesn't want to be friends, but the parents are the problem. if both girls don't want to be friends anymore, i'm not seeing the issue. just let the girls lead your way. if they don't want to hang out, they don't have to hang out. if the parents question it just casually comment, the girls don't seem to be as close/have as much in common, whatever, as they used to. if the girl keeps coming around, then it's your house, your rules. period. i don't know how much this helps...but if your daughter is miserable i don't see how this is a battle worth fighting.
There is nothing you can do to make this girl want to have a close friendship with your daughter. She either does, or she doesn't. Sometimes you just have to accept it and let it go. At the same age, my daughter grew apart from her best neighbor friend. They were VERY close as little girls. Now, not at all. My daughter's old friend is just very much embracing growing up, and my daughter is still more into being a goofy little kid. Their personalities are drastically different, and they really have very little in common any more. I noticed the start of the rift in the spring of 4th grade. 5th grade was a lot of tears and long periods of silence. Her Mom and I both have encouraged them to reach out after these breaks, but each time it has ended badly. What you have to do is let go. Recognize when things are too far gone, and if it is meant to be that the girls find a way back to each other, they will. Stop driving the neighbor girl places and consider driving your daughter to school for awhile to give her some space. You did her a great kindness by helping this neighbor girl over the years, but that doesn't mean she will always feel a close friendship with your daughter. Encourage your daughter to make plans with other friends. Try not to dwell on the sadness of it, it happens to many, many girls at this age. Give her permission to move on too.
I don't understand. So the older girl doesn't want to be friends with your daughter. How is this a big deal? These things happen, especially as kids - especially girls! - get older. You can't protect your daughter from such hurts, even by trying to blackmail the other girl. She will be friends with whom she wants, and if that's not your daughter, so it is. Why should her parents be involved?
Sorry to be so blunt, but you might need such bluntness right now. Good luck!
Hi C. Q,
Tough predicament. I understand what people mean when they say to 'let the girls work it out' and I think I understand why that isn't so easy to do. You love your daughter very much and I think you care deeply for the other little girl too. So one thing that is clear is that you have very good intentions.
Here's my perception: you are wanting to protect your daughter from someone you thought, in your own way, you were protecting from less than active parents. Of course you are going to be supportive to your daughter, but beyond that is it possible your gut reaction to the other little girl is coming from a place where you feel betrayed?
Kids weave in and out of friendships and say hurtful things (yup, even your daughter from time to time because she is human). When people say to let the girls work it out I don't think they mean you shouldn't play a role in a solution process. But what that solution process looks like might mean remaining supportive to your daughter and helping her to be resilient in forming new friendships without ruminating too much on the hurt. It's good to acknowledge and understand the hurt, and maybe help your daughter understand the hurt. But beyond that...what now? Surely feuling the hurt with who's to blame for what isn't going to contribute to resiliency and maybe fostering and promoting her positive relationships will help her through this tough time.
We don't know why the other little girl is acting the way she is and to guess is just speculation. What we do know is that she has redeamable qualities or you yourself wouldn't be so hurt. And what we also know is that an adult she had formed a healthy attachment with has expressed some hurtful things to her...you had good intentions but the power dynamics involved make what you said to her hurtful for her. Is it possible that she is still a wonderful little girl entering a confusing age with little emotional support from home and is mis-stepping with her peers because that's simply what confusion looks like and acts like? Is it possible to love and support your daughter without discarding your kindness to the other little girl you once lovingly took under your wing?
(These are not rhetorical questions)
What an amazing role model you are in a wonderful position to be in if you could find a way to demonstrate love and acceptance...people are free to take space and even say mean things without being cast asside...right? I'm assuming this is something your church might discuss some?
The point is, being there for your daughter doesn't require taking sides, it simply requires being there when times are tough. Who's to say your daughter might not learn to use blame as a coping strategy instead of positive interactions with multiple people...and wouldn't that be a shame to watch her mature into?
I think the role of children is to focus on specifics to learn patterns of understanding as they age and the role of parent is to assist children in learning the bigger picture stuff so they can grow away from drama and towards secure relationships.
I say this all with love and hope it is helpful:)
A.
Gosh I know that this might be difficult but if they were boy and girl would you expect that they would marry later in life? I mean really, children grow and find others that they feel have common interests. You could have taken a "mom" role and explained to your daughter that her friendship has changed and that as she is probably hurt "she" should express this to the other girl "herself" with her own words and circumstance. If you had facilitated a common ground and allowed the girls to talk or your little girl to express herself then she would at least know the direction and have accomplished a better understanding of the fact that sometimes the world is not a happy place and people are not always going to be the way we expect them. Now your sitting down and letting the other LITTLE girl have it (especially knowing that her parents maybe aren't as involved as you state) was adult bullying. If you don't treat my daughter right, you and i aren't going to get along. sorry I am coming off harshly but really she did not physically hurt your daughter or get everyone to hate her, she simply is moving on with friendships and whether you want her to or not, she will do what she wants. The difference is that she has now lost your trust as you showed her that your acceptance and support for her was only relative to her keeping within your rules and friendship with your child. sorry but shame on you..if you ask me, you seem to have given your child the impression that she can't find her own friends.
You did what you could to mediate... Life happens. I would adivse your daughter to remain open but not try to maintain the old-style of the relationship. At some point have your daughter tell (or write it out) her friend she understands she needs to do what she needs to do. Even tho it makes her sad she will find a way to get past it... perhaps by being extra kind to her own sister... Let her know she is not alone in having this hurt and you will be there for her whenever she needs you. She can come up to the challenge of making alternate friends. Encourage her ability to think and feel on her own. Escape future co-dependency.
Hello, I had a friend in junior high school whom I spent a lot of time with during and after school as well as on the weekends. When we were about to go to high school, she informed me that she was a year older (although in the same grade) and that she would probably need to hang out with the older kids in high school. Well, I was hurt at the time. However, I had an older brother and sister who were pretty popular and I ended up being friends with their friends. I never left my "real" friends behind. I don't know how this girl turned out after hight school, but I didn't suffer. Just encourage her to find other friends. She will get past this.
Good luck with your precious little girl.
K. K.
I haven't read the other responses, but I think you should do exactly what you told the girl you would do - not be a part of her life anymore. Perhaps you and your daughter can sit down with her and say something along the lines of, "We realize that you have new friends, and can appreciate that the two of you no longer want to be friends. This means that none of us will continue to hang out and do things together. We hope you understand that friendship begets friendship and since you are clearly not wanting to be friends, we will honor your wishes. You have no obligation to walk with [daughter's name] or try to be friends any longer. No hard feelings, people just grow apart sometimes".
In this way, you do a few things. You follow-up with what you said you would do; you bring the control back to you and your daughter; you don't have to involve the other parents (because it's really not necessary); and you respect the other girl's wishes (you can't make people be friends even though the hurt is totally understandable); and hopefully you make the other girl feel a little bit of what she's doing to your daughter by telling her that you nor your daughter will be friends with her anymore unless the feeling is mutual. It's not meant to be tit for tat, but rather, meant to be like everyone is respecting everyone's wishes. This will also free your daughter up to heel and make new friends.
All the best,
S.
I think you may have to step back. Your daughter is 10 year old. No matter what you are trying to protect her, however, this is the life expreience that your daughter will have to deal with soon or later. The best you can do is to love her and let her know you support anyway and you will be there as always. We can't force any relationship. That's what happened after you talked to that girl, she was forced to be "friendly" with her. But, it's not real friendship, so, your daughter will just be hurted even more. Let them deal with it by themselves. But, you make sure your daughter knows you are by her side.
I'm not sure you need to make any kind of announcement or explanation to the other parents. If the girls are uncomfortable being together, that's all you'd need to say if the other parents should ask why their daughter isn't spending as much time with you - "The girls aren't comfortable together any more. I think they'll both be making new friends." No accusations or ultimatums or explanation, just simple statements.
To your daughter, I'm sure you've already given her the "growing up is hard, and some people go through difficult phases" talk, so she knows that she did nothing wrong, but that it also isn't in her power to fix it. It's hard when a friend decides they no longer value the relationship the way you do, but all of us go through that, and learn valuable lessons from it.
Just as an aside, don't become so hostile that you write off the girl and her family entirely. My sister and I were best, best, best friends, from the time I was 3, with the pair of sisters who lived across the street from us. We were together every day, our parents socialized together, we did things with both families together, my older sister babysat and housesat for them. About the time we hit junior high (6th to 8th grade, for us) we were no longer as close. There were no arguments or obvious slights, each of the four of us simply made new "best" friends, so the other friends became secondary. We still liked each other, we just spent less time with each other and more time with other kids. A couple of years later, the family moved across town, and we saw them rarely. Now that we're all adults (and living in different places, in some cases in different countries) we keep in touch mostly by letters, cards and e-mail, but we still treasure those friendships. When my daughter got married last spring, those friends were there to celebrate with us, even though we hadn't seen each other for years and it meant some significant travel for them, and we were very touched. There might be another chapter down the road.
If not, that's OK too. Many friendships don't last into the teen or adult years, and that's OK too. Sometimes working it out means ending the relationship before severe bad feelings or harm takes place. Think about kids from your childhood, and how many you're still close to.
I haven't read your responses, but I totally understand wanting the best for your daughter when it comes to friends. I would encourage your daughter to just find another friend. I had great friends growing up, and I look back how bless I was. My daughter has had a couple but we moved a lot when she was younger. She's 15 now, I don't care for most of her friends and I think they use her. I point this out to her, she sees it, and hates it but is still friends with these people. I do encourage her friendship with the ones I like and still point out the others flaws, and tell her honestly how I feel. That I think they use her and she's my little girl and I can't stand for that. She can get over it, but they aren't fooling me. I want her to know it's not right to allow someone to walk over her, but she has to stand up for herself. I will always love her and have her back, but I won't be fake.
hmmm... It just sounds like they are growing their separate ways and your daughter is having a harder time with it. I had a friend who lived across the street from me when I was growing up- we played together all the time from the time we were 7&8(I was a year older) till we were about 11&12(fifth & sixth grade- different schools then). It wasn't as if we didn't talk to each other, we did- but we just didn't have much to say. Our interests were different once we no longer played Barbies together.
If the other girl is being mean- then you should let her mom know and her mom should talk to her. I would encourage your daughter to find some other friends- and just let this one go. Girls seem to do this more than boys do. My brother was friends with the boy across the street and they still are in contact 20 yrs later- my brother just came back from his friend's wedding- but I haven't talked to the girl in about 15 yrs.
It is hard to see friendships die or dwindle, but it's just something that happens sometime. Just be supportive to your daughter, encourage her to find a couple new friends this year and focus on that rather than on the out growing of the other friendship.
I hope this helped a little. I know it is difficult to watch your child go through some of these things!
~C.
It's interesting that you say you have tried to get the girls to work it out on their own, yet you don't actually seem to let them work it out on their own. You keep butting in. I get that your daughter is upset, and that upsets you. Plus you seem to feel like the girl owes a debt of friendship to your family for what you've done for her. Maybe she does, but it ain't happening.
Sometimes working it out means not being friends any more. Moreover, do you really want to teach your daughter to cling to people who mistreat her? A better strategy might be to teach her about how people change, we each have the power to choose our friends and, even though the relationship with this girl has changed, she should still be polite.
If there's any actual bullying, get the other parents involved. Otherwise, be polite to them, but let them be, too. It's really not like you're friends with the parents anyway. Just smile and wave when you see them and let it go.
kids grow apart. It happens even more, when they are older. It might be painful, but your daughter should experience these very real life situations. I mean...are you going to step in, when she's in middle school? I very much doubt it...so allow her to learn this lesson and experience now. What is there to handle with the parents? Most parents, just understand kids can grow out of friendships. Most parents don't get so involved. They probably just understand, that their daughter is over this friendship. Nothing has to be said, no "fall out" needs to be avoided. This situation, truly is not a big deal. This type of friendship stuff happens all the time with kids. Nothing you can do about it.
Since you can't force the kids to be friends (and if you did it would be way worse for your daughter in the long run, trust me) you just have to let it go and know that kids that age just grow apart. The same thing happened in my family when I was about that same age and my best friend for YEARS kind of drifted to a new group of friends and I got left behind. Sure, it stung the family (and me!) for a while, but we just kind of got over it. She was very close with my family and because her parents weren't around much she was with us all the time, then...wasn't. It was sad and it was hard but my parents stayed out of it and I think maybe you should, too. I know it will hurt you, but they're kids. They need to live their lives and deal with this on their own. Don't bother involving the mother, just don't be available like you are now. They will figure out a way to deal with it too. If she isn't treating your daughter the right way, the message you are sending your daughter by having a close relationship with this other girl may be one you don't want to send, know what I mean? Good luck with this, and just remember that even if it's hard now, it will get better with time.
I don't have any answers. But I do suggest you back out a little. These things happen. Kids grow. Kids change. Relationships change. My daughter had a best friend from Kindergarten to 4th grade. They took a little break. And then were friends again in 7th & 8th. By high school my daughter decided this was not a friend she wanted. End of story. My son has a neighbor boy who is one year younger, but two grades below him. When we first moved here (he was 7) they became best buds and played constantly. After a few years, my son, inexplicably didn't want to be friends anymore. We (the moms) chalked it up to the age difference and let it go. After a couple of years, they suddenly became friends again. We never did figure out what the problem was, but they obviously worked it out. It took a while. But it wasn't ugly. It was just separation. But the point is, we stayed out of it, and let them work it out. Because that's what life is. Working out the relationships. We don't HAVE to be friends with everyone - nice yes, friends no. And we don't HAVE to stay friends - people change, needs change, people move on.
Be friendly, respectful and open to this child, but don't force her to hang out with your daughter. Explain to your daughter that she may need to find a new friend.
Good luck.
