My Daughters Were Given Drugs Without My Permission by Another Parent.

I do not know what that medicine is, but I would be very upset. She has not right to give herbs or other things especially if she doesn't know how they will react to it.

I agree with you about no more sleep overs with this family. You owe this woman zero loyalty and should feel free to tell other parents about this if you feel it will help prevent their kids from being given the medicine.

I would be livid about this. I would agree that the mom probably meant no harm - but like you said, this shows incredibly bad judgement and I wouldn't trust my kids in the care of this person. I do not let anyone give medication to my children without my permission, I always respond "no" even to Tylenol on all those school forms. If it were me, I also would ask her to show me the exact bottle of pills that she gave to my children, so that I could call the pediatrician to talk it over. I also do think that you should tell the other parents. Like you said, not in a confrontational way, but matter of fact just like you said. I really am shocked that a mom would think it is okay to do this.

Sinister? No. Worthy of ending sleepovers there? Oh, yes.

While melatonin is widely used and not considered harmful, and I've used it myself -- this woman vastly overstepped parenting boundaries. You are right to be furious, frankly, though all you can do is now end sleepovers there. And talk to your kids with care.

The real issue isn't that melatonin didn't hurt your kids. Here's the issue: This set a precedent (apparently "many times" over with older daughter) that when an adult hands you a pill and says, "It's fine, it's natural, it's not a drug," then it's OK to take it. I'm sure this mom will keep saying "It's just a natural hormone" and might agree that she won't give it to your kids again-- but the idea is already in your kids' heads that it was acceptable to swallow what they were handed. This isn't about the specific substance she gave them as much as it's about the fact she gave them anything you hadn't approved. No, I don't think this all means your kids are now more susceptible to saying yes to drug dealers in a few years. I do think it sent your kids a message that a trusted adult can hand them a pill and it's fine. Now you need to talk with them very carefully; you don't want them believing this mom is evil (she isn't, but she IS quite arrogant and careless, to me). And you don't want them either to feel guilty that they took the pills ( not their fault; she was a trusted adult) or to feel guilty that they "tattled" on friend's mom. Talk to them about how it is never, ever tattling to tell a parent about what they've done at someone's house. Tell them they did nothing wrong and you are not angry with them or the mom (sorry, you ARE angry with her but frankly, fake it here) but you need them to know not to take anything without hearing you say it's OK.

Then next time a sleepover invitation comes: "Sorry, we've got plans that night," and then go and actually have plans. Invite the other sisters to olay and go places. I'd even permit daytime play dates at their house--maybe. If you kids push for sleepovers, be too busy. I would not do some specific announcement to your kids that sleepovers there are banned; that will make them feel at fault and mad when that's not necessary.

Also: What parent gives guest kids at sleepovers a sleep aid? I'm guessing the answer is a parent who doesn't want to deal with kids staying up too late, who doesn't want to have to keep shushing them when they keep whispering in the night, and who wants to keep her own routine intact, so she makes sure her own kids and the guests are all going to get sleepy on the schedule she wants. That's pretty awful, to me. I would wonder if there are other ways in which she's either just not wanting to oversee my kids on a play date, or if she might be too invested in her own belief that what's fine for her kids must be fine for all kids. Because, hey, "It's natural."

It sounds like your ex is lying to you. Why in the world would your ex discuss melatonin with this woman other than to discuss giving it to your daughters? And why else would your ex be so strongly telling you to "drop it"? I bet he is covering himself, he feels guilty now for having not told the other mother that it was not okay to give your daughters melatonin.

As for the other mother - why did she speak only to your ex and not to you? Maybe in the future you need to tell other parents to call both of you about important issues?

ETA: These "friends" are your children's step-siblings?! The woman is married to your ex ("their dad" is your ex)?! Well that explains a lot - you are just upset with your ex's new wife! Handle it with your ex.

1) I totally understand your upset. I would be livid, too.
2) She says she discussed it with the girls' dad, so she doesn't realize she was doing this without your knowledge. Your ex denies knowing, or giving express permission, but he's your ex. Do you suppose he might be covering his OWN rear, to avoid your wrath here? Or maybe it was just a true miscommunication.
3) I would not withhold the kids from visiting, but I WOULD give her explicit instructions these she is NOT to give your children any sort of medication/pill (all natural, OTC, no matter if it's an advil) without talking with you personally beforehand. AND I would instruct mine children in the same manner--do not ever take any (ANY) sort of medication/drug/supplement (no matter how natural, healthy, etc) without first talking to you personally.
4) I would not start telling other parents. I would likely suggest to the mom these she may want to get clarification with other parents if all the visitors get melatonin at her house, in case you weren't the only one with a miscommunication issue.
5) Lots of parents think that every child in their care should receive the same things in order to not feel left out or whatever. (I'm not one of them. But they're out there.) If it is a nightly routine for her own children (and lots of parents give melatonin to their kids--I never did, but my husband takes it to help his sleep cycle when he works odd hours), she probably thinks nothing of it. And doesn't want to make the "guest" children feel left out. It's wrong to make this assumption for someone else's children. But I can see people making that assumption. (I've seen lots of people make bad assumptions in a lot of different ways, not just about kids, and not just stuff like this.)

Once you have made it clear to her (preferably without judgment concerning the care of her OWN children) that you do not want YOUR children dosed with ANY medication or supplement of any kind, form, or fashion, without your express consent (on any occasion she thinks to offer it), then I don't think you'll have to worry about this happening again.

I do understand, but I think you have to step back for a moment and try to view from another perspective. Not that it makes it ok, but I don't think it's sinister, either. I think just a clear conversation and issue solved.

Among my daughter's multiple medical diagnoses is a sleep disorder, which has been diagnosed by one of the top sleep specialists in the country. She's had many kinds of sleep tests, and we have received a great deal of education from the doctor and her staff concerning sleep medications and melatonin in particular. So here's my two cents on the subject:

Yes, melatonin is naturally produced by our bodies. Yes, many people take a melatonin supplement to help with sleep.

That's the good news. Here's the bad:

Our daughter's doctor cautioned against purchasing melatonin from, say, a drug store, or Walmart, or a health food store. In a national study, researchers analyzed dozens of melatonin products that are readily available over the counter, and they found alarming discrepancies in the pills. Some contained too much melatonin, some not enough, some varied widely from pill to pill in the same bottle. Some contained additives which are basically harmless to most people (sugar, or cinnamon, or a neutral filler). In fact she told us the one source she trusts, and it's Life Extension Foundation (NOTE: I DON'T SELL THIS OR HAVE ANY CONNECTION OTHER THAN BEING A CUSTOMER. I'm not providing a link, but you can look it up). Now, that is not to say that every brand of melatonin is bad or unreliable. You might get a good bottle from your neighborhood pharmacy. But the problem is, you don't know.

Anyway, what this means is that you have no idea about the reliability of the melatonin your daughter took or if it contained fillers or other substances.

The second piece of bad news is that this mother called melatonin a "chill pill". Children who learn to call pills other than what they are (drugs, medication, their actual names, for example) can easily be led astray when they're older and someone offers them Adderal in the school parking lot and calls it a "focus pill". Or "happy pills". Please sit down with your daughters and explain the importance of never calling a medication (whether it's a natural hormone or a controlled substance like an opioid for pain after an injury or a medication for ADHD, or insulin) by anything other than its real name.

The third piece of bad news is that melatonin can interfere with certain prescription medications. It can reduce their effectiveness, or block them, or increase the way they're released into the system. That mom potentially endangered your child since she presumably didn't know what medications your daughter takes, if any.

The fourth piece is that melatonin isn't just popped at bedtime. There are specific instructions, provided by a doctor or nurse, regarding how to take it effectively. Some doses are given 4 - 6 hours before bed, and some are taken an hour before bed. Some are extended or time-release, and some are fast acting. A sleep specialist or trained health care provider determines the dosage, and the timing of the melatonin supplement.

I would speak to the other parents. Your daughters sound healthy, but if another family's daughter sleeps over, and takes a prescription medication, a dangerous situation could occur. Just mention that the mom in question shares vitamins and supplements, and as a heads-up, they should advise their kids not to accept anything there, and that the supplements may be called by a seemingly harmless name, like "chill pill". This is potentially serious stuff. And of course, I'd prohibit any future sleep overs.

Another note: make sure you show your daughters how medication is handled in your house. Are they stored properly (not in a humid bathroom, properly labeled, dosed carefully)? Have a safety drill, and check expiration dates, child-proof caps, labels, storage. Keep score, and assign a point for every violation your kids can find. Quiz them on the names of any medications. And make sure to use the right names for every medication or supplement.

I'd be furious, but I'd also keep it in the back of my mind that she may have told your ex about it. (It sounds like he did have some type of conversation with her, because he knew that her daughter melatonin. Why would she just randomly mention that to him?) With that in mind, I don't think that I'd tell the other moms.

I'm sure that over the years you've had conversations with your daughters about personal safety. What to do if they get lost, don't go with strangers, etc. This is really a good time for you to have a conversation with them about accepting medications from other people without your consent, even if the other person calls it something like 'chill pill'. Several years ago I was chaperoning a youth group activity, and one of the 12 year old girls had a headache. According to the permission slip that her parents signed, I was allowed to give her Tylenol. When I handed her the pills, she very confidently and respectfully looked at me and asked me what it was. After I told her it was Tylenol, she said 'o.k... I just want to know what something is before I take it.' I remember being so impressed because it was evident that her physician father and nurse mother had spent time talking with her about being in command of her own body. It's one of the reasons that even when our son was young we never told him that medicine was candy, and we always gave him a simple explanation why he was taking something.(ex. 'this is medicine that the doctor gave us to make your throat start to feel better.')

Have you considered that your ex wants you to drop it because he really did tell her it was okay? You seem to be a little over the top with your freaking and if he is a non conflict kind of guy he probably doesn't want you to chew on this more than you have. Let it go.

My son has melatonin that he takes occasionally, after an okay from his neurologist. His brain does not always naturally produce typical levels.

Despite being sold over-the-counter, and despite being called natural, melatonin can cause problems for people with normally functioning production if it is taken often, and this is multiplied for children who are still developing. It is not like taking a vitamin C or something, it is replacing a hormone.

This one-off won't have harmed your child, but it was completely inappropriate and it sounds like the other mother has no clue about the potential long-term danger to her own kid(s).I would not talk to other parents about it, but I would make it clear to the other mom that it is not okay, and underline the point that melatonin is often not harmless.

Added: Some of the other replies are why I think melatonin should not be OTC. When things like this are sold to anyone, people think nothing of it, and don't realize the potential harm to themselves or their kids. Melatonin should only be used under the care and advice of a doctor.

Ya, I don't think there's anything sinister here.

I think, from what you've written, that your ex is lying.

I think it is odd that she give your children melatonin, but I don't think it's sinister (my son takes melatonin at sleepovers).

I myself would never give a child anything drug-like, if they were not my child. Period.

I think she sounds a bit flakey but not sinister. I would not tell other parents. I'd talk to her (not text) and just get more info before going off deep end. You could tell by phone/person that you think other parents might not appreciate it either.

What's your point of blowing this up and freaking out like you are? Sounds like you are looking for a way to be mad at your ex.

By your post, these "friends" are actually step siblings?

Really??? I'm sure stepmom is not giving suspect pills to everyone who walks in their door. This makes you sound vindictive by looking for a reason to freak out at their parenting skills.

Let it go... it was just melatonin and a LOT of people use it. Keep your kids at home or ask that no pills be given to your children without your permission.

Take a chill pill!!!!

Yep, I would be very irritated. Melatonin is not something I would sound the alarm bells to other parents or to the police over. But still what she did was wrong. I would be livid that my children were exposed to a normal behavior routine of non-chalantly taking pills to help sleep and nicknaming them "chill pills" It just really normalizes drug culture too much for me. The response you received of "oh, sorry!" leads me to believe she gets and/or regrets fact that she was out of line in not talking to you first before offering this to your children. Forget trying to spend any energy going on a truth-finding mission or debate on whether or not she talked to your ex, you'll drive yourself crazy and there is no way of knowing for sure who is telling the truth.

If this is the only issue in the past 3 years that has concerned you, and the kids are close friends, I would not get all feisty and burn bridges with this family. Just tell her to please not give your children ANY medication, hormone, or natural supplement without YOUR (not your ex's) permission. I cannot imagine she would not comply with your wishes now that you've made yourself clear. It doesn't sound sinister to me, just inappropriate. But some people get really excited about "natural" remedies that work for them, and that may have overshadowed her good judgment to check with you first. See how she responds. Hopefully, she will also talk to her kids about different families make different choices, and they need to take their melatonin discreetly going forward and respect the fact that it's not a routine they should have offered up to their friends to share. I wouldn't declare "my kids are no longer allowed over at your house" but rather I'd invite them to yours next time instead. Get busy with other plans and friends to create some less purposeful looking distance.

Most importantly, talk to your kids about YOUR values and rules around medications, natural herbs, remedies, etc. They should know going forward to not just accept this from others before talking to you first.

I think you should drop it, but also never let your kids sleep over there again. I would actually be hesitant to even let them play at that house again because I think that mom has colossally bad judgement - both in giving melatonin to someone else's kids AND in calling it a "chill pill". It would make me wonder if she has bad judgement in other areas of parenting as well. I wouldn't disrupt the friendship, but I would find reasons to make all the play dates and sleepovers at my house and never again at hers.

ETA: Yes, melatonin is a hormone that our body naturally makes but that doesn't mean it should be taken lightly. Estrogen, progesterone and insulin are hormones that our body naturally makes. But we don't pop birth control pills or take insulin without talking to a doctor, and a person shouldn't pop melatonin without talking to a doctor either.

I keep trying to think about what I would do or want someone else to do with a child who had a headache at a sleep over. Would you offer to give the child Tylenol? Would you want another parent to offer your child Tylenol? When I think about it, it sound so innocent. Then again, could a child be allergic? Should I call the parents first? Maybe ...

Melatonin is not a drug at all!!! It is a hormone. So do try to relax and stop saying she gave your children drugs. She gave them a hormone that their body already produces. From http://www.webmd.com/sleep-disorders/tc/melatonin-overview#1:

What is melatonin? Melatonin is a hormone made by the pineal gland, a small gland in the brain. Melatonin helps control your sleep and wake cycles.

Our youngest has ADHD and always had trouble getting to sleep. Melatonin has been a godsend for him. Our oldest takes in once in awhile if his sleep cycle gets out of sorts.

I agree that this mom likely did talk to your ex about it. If he's anything like my husband, he might honestly not remember or didn't think it mattered.

I'd be willing to give her another chance. I'd just let her know that the girls do not need Melatonin to sleep, and you'd like her to respect your wishes and not give it to them. I'd also let them know that they are not to take medicine from another parent without your permission.

But I'd also think about whether or not I would want another mom to offer my child Tylenol if they had a headache. Personally, I would, but you're the one who needs to be comfortable with that.

Melatonin is so much more innocent than Tylenol.

I live in Alaska where the sun never sets in the summer. It's hard for adults and children to go to sleep when the sun is bright and shiny like it's noontime. Melatonin is very common here in the summer to aid with sleep. Many adults take it and also give it to their kids. For the most part it is harmless. But I would never give it to a child without their parents express permission. I would also be upset if someone gave it to my child without my permission.

I would not contact other parents or flip out over this. I would just talk to the other mother and tell her she needs to ask you first before giving any pill to your child. I also suspect your ex did talk to her about it and he conveniently forgot.

Without reading all the answers, I want to address a misconception here: which is that melatonin is 'harmless'.

While, generally speaking, it can be used without harm, we have family members who have a bad reaction to it, namely, sleepwalking. It's a very powerful hormone. I can't take it because it causes me to have cramps. My girlfriend, postmenopausal, started taking it and said it brought her periods back until she stopped. This isn't to alarm anyone but to give pause that there are circumstances to consider before giving any medication.

I don't know your relationship between yourself and your husband. If he's covering his butt or really baffled that this happened. What I would be concerned about is that a parent in charge of the kids can't deal with them being up late and so, is giving them some sort of *anything* to make the kids go to sleep. When we have sleepovers, I prepare with a nap before the kids come and one the next day. I KNOW I'm not going to sleep well that evening. So, to me, the fact that this mom is giving sleep supplements to her kids' friends shows poor judgment and yeah, I'd decline any further 'sleepover' invites. That your ex is wanting a break and letting the kids go have fun is a different situation which has it's own problems. I can't advise you further, but I know that there would be no more overnights there. I'd host if I wanted it to happen.

I agree with you no more sleepovers. That she would take that liberty with your children is crazy.

Melatonin isn't harmless. It can be taken in too high doses. I took it for awhile and realized it was causing intense stomach ache. I thought I needed to go to the ER stomach ache. Then I came across an article that said melatonin could cause stomach pain and quit taking it. Stomach pain went away immediately.

No way would I be accepting of her giving that to my kid. I've had kids who spent the night ask for a vitamin I give my kids and I tell them to text or call their parent first.

I think you should let the other parents know in a non accusatory way. If I were another parent and you knew this and didn't let me know, I'd be angry with you.

That's just me though.

Melatonin is harmless, but she should still have asked first.
Tell her not to do it again, tell your kids you don't want them taking it, and if it happens again, then nix any more sleepovers.

For all you know, other parents may have known and may be okay with it, so no fear-mongering to them.

She is just so way over the line it boggles the mind.
I can imagine that she does this with all her house guests.
And 'natural/low dose' melatonin is what she SAYS she gave them but who knows what it really is?
She's blown her credibility and I have no trust in anything she says.

I'd be tempted to call the police (non emergency number), talk with them, and ask if they can have a discussion with her about being the 'friendly neighborhood drug dealer' because giving pills to kids without WRITTEN permission is just dangerous every which way around - especially if a kid has an allergy or reaction to it - and the parents have NO IDEA exactly what was given to their kid.
Calling the police is not over the line.
She needs a wake up call before she hurts anyone - plus someone could and probably should sue the heck out of her.

Your daughters are fine, right?
I was going to go on this long tangent about how melatonin is fine...blah blah blah...but I think I am just going to answer your questions.
1) Your ex husband says he knew that she gave her kids that and is now denying that she ever said anything to him. she says that she did tell him. It's a he said/she said.
2) Why would you go around telling the other parents? Gossip much? Maybe the parents know, maybe they don't care....
3) Why in the world would you think something sinister is going on? You have obviously been friends with these people for a while. Your kids have slept over there multiple times throughout the years and you have never had any worry. She gave your children a small dose of Melatonin to help them sleep and you are blowing this out of proportion.
4) I don't think she has poor judgement...ESPECIALLY since you cannot be 100% sure that she didn't tell your EX. Perhaps he now sees you freaking out about it and is throwing her under the bus?

What is the relationship between the woman and your ex? There seems to be more to this. Is this woman married or involved with your ex?

You need to have a conversation with your kids TODAY about taking medicine that isn't given to them by you or their father. I'm surprised that this mother thought it was okay to do this. Regardless of it being harmless, non addictive blah blah blah. What if your child had an allergy or something? This is a dangerous situation that this mother put herself and the kids in.

When my kids were at sleep overs and they had a headache, the mom always called to see if its okay for her to give them some OTC pain relief. I just can't imagine a mom not doing that. That is why I asked the question above.

I would not eliminate sleepovers, I WOULD instruct this lady to NEVER give your children anything unless YOU approve of it. If she does, then the wrath of hell should rain down upon her head.

I agree with the person below that you don't need to freak out about this. I would tell that mom that she needs to get permission from ANY PARENT before giving out melatonin to any child that is not her own. I would even tell her "I am disappointed that you did this and I will have to think about letting my daughters spend the night again. I'm just not sure right now." But that being said, eh, it's just melatonin...nothing to really freak out about. It's not like she gave them Benedryl. Melatonin is something our bodies make naturally. It is a hormone. It is not possible to overdose on it. However, even though doctors say it is perfectly safe and tell parents to try melatonin for a child with sleep issues, it is not necessary to give out to kids without sleep issues. Your daughters definitely do not need it! Also, coach your daughters about never taking a "drug" from another person. They have to get permission from you first.

Momma,

I get you are upset. However, what do you expect to come from this? What is the outcome you want?

You need to tell your children that they are to NEVER accept ANY medication from ANYONE without YOUR telling them it is okay. NEVER. EVER. the fact that you have NOT gone over this with your children is sad.

YOU DO NOT tell other parents. That's NOT your place.

You can have HER daughter over to YOUR house. Tell the mom that they are no longer allowed to go over to their home. Tell your ex-husband that he needs to step up and be on the same page. No more sleep overs. DO NOT ACCEPT MEDICINE - chill pills, happy pills, etc. from ANYONE without YOU or Dad stating it is okay.

You know that Melatonin is something our body has naturally, right? You can take a lot of it and it won't hurt you. Several of my friends take it on weekends so that they can relax more and sleep better. They work a lot of hours during the week and it just helps get their sleep cycle working better.

I think you're way over reacting. If you don't want your kids to have any then just let her know you don't approve. Your kids are also old enough to say no. That you don't approve and that she needs to call you to come pick them up.

I would let the other mothers know that she does this. Then THEY can decide if they will allow their kids to stay over anymore. My guess is that they won't.

I would not take it any further than that. You already know that your kids won't be playing over there anymore. And that's enough.

She never should have given your daughter any kind of pill without asking you.

However, melatonin won't harm your child, so no worries. I doubt there's anything more sinister underneath it except that woman's poor judgment.

I would be FURIOUS!!!! Anyone can have a bad reaction from anything!!! What if something happened to her while the mom thought she was sleeping??? Your youngest is only six. Not only does she have poor judgement but seems to want to take the easy way out for her childrens' bedtimes. Yes, I would mention this to other parents. I would want to know if someone was giving my child "chill pills".