My Friend Who Wants to Leave Her Home, but Father Won't Let Her Take Child.

Tell her to pack it up and get an attorney if she chooses to. She can take the child with her and so far as I know he has no right to stop her. I would do it while he is at work one night. That is what I helped a friend do so she could get out of the abusive relationship, I even rented her the truck to drive to hayward in. That was one crazy nite!!! WE got lucky, he did not show up for anything while we packed up.
W. M.

Have her leave with the daughter when he is at work. If he gives her grief, she can always file for a restraining order. Just take what little she needs with her and leave. She should not call him or anything. She should definitely not leave the daughter with him.

Well she has told him and given him options for counceling so if she is going to leave she either just needs to take the baby and her things when he is at work or go to a lawyer and get seperation papers filed with her taking the child.

He can say whatever he wants but legally she has a right to be with her kids wherever she is. In CA it usually ends up as 50/50 custody as long as both parents want the kids. So she can take the child, but he has a right to be with the child 50% of the time. Sounds like she needs to start legal proceedings so that the court can give the orders rather than the husband.

She should not leave the home until she talks to a lawyer. Most lawyers will talk to you free for one hour. IMO you need to try and stay out of it though, remember that you are hearing HALF of the story, not all of it. You don't say what age either of the parents are, it is possible that they both were too young to have kids (his being impatient is a good indicator. I am not quite sure what you mean by "single mom duties"... Before you suggest that she jump ship, which is ultimately unfair to the baby, suggest that she seek counseling even if he won't go. Read, READ, READ! There are lots of books on coping and understanding marriage, books such as "The proper care and feeding of a husband", "The 5 love languages" and "Getting the love you want". All of this is mote btw if he is abusive.
We live in an era of "if I am not happy I will divorce", it is too easy to just leave if thinks get a little rocky. But when there are children involved it is worthy of a bit more thought.
Probably not the answer you were looking for but that's my two cents. =)

I'm not sure I have advice for your friend, but I have advice for you. Just be there for her, if you care about her.

I was in her situation a couple years ago with my current partner. Her situation sounds very similar to mine with the exception that my children's father is a very good father and cares for them very well.

I started saving and stashing money here and there in case I ever decided to take our son and run, dollars and change for payphones and buses. I established a code word/phrase with a friend so that if I couldn't get away, but could call, they would know I needed help getting away. It never came to that, but I took our son and left him and lived with my mum for four months.

I think it would be a good idea for her to save some money, if she has time and her situation is not so volatile that she is in immediate danger. Maybe you could be the friend she runs to or who could help her run, if she needs to. If you can't help her, there are women's shelters to turn to.

Also, should she decide to leave him in the future, I think it would be wise of her to watch everything she says and does. She shouldn't have loud verbal or physical altercations with him and especially not start them. She shouldn't say hateful things to him. She should be a "model citizen." Don't give him any ammunition in court for why she's a less suitable parent. She should conduct her life as the loving stable mum that she is and try not to get caught up in any drama he may try to stir up. In the meantime, she should be setting up a support network and making contacts so that she knows where to go and who to talk to if she needs to leave and needs shelter, food, clothes, public assistance, job training, legal advice, or whatever else she might need to support her child alone.

My partner never changed and won't go to counseling. I'm sure her husband will never change. So she needs to go to counseling herself. She can't change him, but she can help herself to change and to change her outlook and her life.

This is a difficult situation and I'm still in the middle of something kind of similar. I would just suggest for you that you listen to her and help where you can. Don't badmouth her husband. If she wants to talk and go to counseling, she must, on some level, want things to work out with him. She's probably heartbroken that it has come to this. She probably still loves him and it hurts to hear people badmouth your husband, whether or not it's deserved. Also, should she decide to stay with him, she might feel as though she can tell you less and less, knowing you "dislike" him. She might feel bad about negative comments about him, and she may even take it to reflect on her because she's with him, even if they are true. So, just listen, offer support to her. In the end, what she does is her choice. You should be there to support her choice, not influence it. Later on she could turn around and blame leaving and all consequences on you, as if you pushed her into something. I'd say feel free to talk openly with her, offer her options she may not have thought of, let her know you are there for support and help, but let her make the decision (or not make a decision) on her own.

I'm glad that you are so concerned for your friend and are willing to seek advice on her behalf. You are a good friend to her! She's lucky in that aspect of her life :-)
I wish her the very best of luck. She has a long road ahead of her.

Best wishes,

A.

Hi Mc L,

It sounds like to me that is the leverage he has to keep her scared and right where he wants her to be. I left my ex husband and took my child with me. I was unhappy and he said the same thing to me that I was not taking our son if I left. Make sure she does not tell him she never loved him or anything negative to make him angry as some women do and make it worse.

Your friend can go to family court in the county that she lives in. Family court will help determine who gets legal and physical custody of the child and also deals with child visitation. If your friend moves back home, she should consider whether or not the father will be able to visit their child (Unless family court grants her full custody, then she wouldn't have to worry about where she moves to). Family court will assign a family mediator to the case and the mediator will help determine custody and visitation. Hope this info helps.

I am in the same situation with your friend but I stayed with my husband for the sake of my son. My situation was more complicated back then because of his ex wife. My advice is put your kids first before anything else that's what I did. The kids are always affected when their parents broke up. I learn to work things out.Good luck ....

If she runs off, leave a note or something. The last thing she needs is a kidnapping charge. Make sure she talks to a lawyer. There are resources and financial support available.

Document everything. Emails, texts etc have weight in this kind of situation.

I didn't read the other post but I'm sure there is great advice. I just want to say try to ease her fears about her husband taking their baby. I know it is the most frightening thing, but he knows that too. She should try to be as clever as possible when dealing with him because he is using their child as leverage. It won't take him long to realize he doesn't want the responsibility of taking care of his baby. In the long run, he will forfeit his rights. A lot of court decisions are based on the precedents that the couple sets, so already she has an advantage. In CA, it is likely he would still get 50/50, but with time, he'll forfiet his rights...

Also, if she's not working full time, she really doesn't know what it is like to be a single mother. But I understand the point from an emotional perspective.

Help her stay strong!

The husband sounds very controlling. Your friend should not tell anyone but you and her parents. Make a plan, start stashing away a few dollars. Act as if everything is normal, and then that one day when he is gone to work, pack everything up and go. Leave nothing. Be prepared for doubt and second guessing, but go. And, if you have any concept of God, pray that He will lead you in your decision making.

Good luck.

I agree with Toni V. He has no legal right to stop her from leaving with her daughter as long as she lets him know where she's at and begins proceedings for legal separation or divorce. If she feels he is abusive, she can file for a restraining order for herself which will automatically cover her daughter until the court hearing (I had to have one years ago.) Conversely, if he is not clearly abusive to his daughter, he will have every right to spend time with his daughter and have joint custody, so she may need to be prepared for that eventuality. This may be a very tough road. I have been in a similar situation where I had to get cops involved a few times. It's not fun, but looking back, it was well worth the temporary pain. I wish her well

She can go to the county and file custody papers. Than when she goes to leave she has custody of the child. If a problem she can call the police. Sounds like this guy likes to have control!

Have your friend contact a lawyer to find out what her rights are. I don't think that legally her husband can take the child away unless he can prove that she is an unfit mother. If she is moving out of state she will definitely have to get permission otherwise her husband could have grounds to have her arrested for kidnapping. Stupid, I know but nowadays you have to be careful. Good luck and God bless!

In most states, she's the mom, it's her child. She needs to do her research about what the laws say and her rights. You don't mention domestic violence, but the organizations set up for that will know the laws and support systems she needs to find. I'd also suggest talkting to a church that is not affiliated with the husband and might be able to offer her even more suppport.

S.

If she is really planning to leave, she should probably not talk to him any more about it until she's actually ready to leave. Then just do it and get a temporary order for custody until they are able to sort things out one way or another.
Like pp said, she should make an appointment for a consulation with an attorney just to get some information about what her options are, but I would reccomend against involving the husband too much in her decision making process if she's not planning to stay with him.

Hope this helps.

T.

Hello Mc L, You might want to be careful about the advice you give her as it could back fire onto you. I once helped a friend move out and then she said she couldn't live without him and blamed me for talking her into going. Not true - she called me and I just assisted her to load things up.
Where is her family? Has she turned to them for help and advice? You might be surprised that the father might be more than able to make child care arrangements to help him. I know that the men in my family would be able to cary on and do a great job without their wives I hope that they never have to!I don't think my husband would have been happy to see our children out of his home either.
Why isn't she going to counciling all by herself? She will learn much by going to counciling by herself about herself. She doesn't have to have him there if he doesn't want to help the marriage get stronger. She should think of her own self education to deal withthe things that she needs to face and have a clear plan to deal with his not being happy about his child being gone. How is she planning on supporting the child & herself without some day care to help her? Does she belong to a curch or organization that she has someone that she can talk with and get advice from. I don't know what state yourfriend is in but I believe that if a parent takes a child and runs away there are consequences in Calif. So make sure she takes care of that issue. I wish her and you luck. Just remember that you are her friend and that she will need your shoulder to lean on but she is the one that has to make all the decisions so she also pays the price of the choices she makes. If the man were abusive then she would have every right for safety issues to take the child and have a law enforcement officer help her. Good Luck, Nana Glenda

WEAVE!!!

Also, I have the name of a good family law atty.

I went through this with my ex husband I knew the best place fcor my daughters was to be with me that their alcoholic abusive father.
My advice to her is have a place to go to. Get help to get out of the house Find a way to get he husband out of the house for at least a day or 2 (fishing hunting something) then make her move She may have to live with him for a few months to put the plan in motion In the meantime she should start packing things he would not realize is missing ,save money etc If she can get him out for a couple of days she can go It was the only way I could get out It was the best thing I ever did for my kids and myself They are now happy successful 20 year olds and understand what I went thru

I'd like to reccommend a book for each of them, one for the husband and one for the wife.

For him to read:"If He Only Knew, What No Woman Can Resist."

For her to read: "Sacred Influence, What A Man Needs from His Wife To Be The Husband She Wants"

I was on the verge of a divorce myself a few years back.
If BOTH people are willing to surrender their own wants and needs, and serve the other as if they were serving the LORD standing there in front of them, and if they can both forgive the hurts that the other has done to them, then any marriage can not only be saved but can be ressurected into better than what they had before.

She is in the most difficult time in a marriage- after the first child is born! I think it is NORMAL and I think all marriages go through tough times at different stages. She is in one of those stages. I hope she will hang in there. Her Baby needs a daddy and her life will be much easier with the support of a spouse. It CAN get better but both people have to start caring more about the others needs than their own. This is contrary to what society tells us- it tells us to be 'ME' oriented- what's in it for me. And here we are with the divorce rate skyrocketing. It is easy as a mother for us to start feeling like we do things better than the men, that we do more than the men, and they just dont have a clue, AND we usually are very verbal about making that clear to them! I know I did. Every day they go to work for their family and come home to words that tell him the wife at home is unhappy and nothing he does has been good enough. Then they give up trying. You need to use reverse phsycology on them. Her husband NEEDS to hear her praise him, as sure as he needs air to breathe. Even if she feels he doesn't deserve it yet, she can pray outloud for him "Father, thank you for giving me a husband who loves his family and gives so much to us, a husband who adores us". She needs to start praising him outloud- there will be things she can find. There is an old saying if you look for something hard enough you will find it. Instead of focusing on his failures, she needs to look for his strengths. In almost every case, once a man is respected and honored the way he NEEDS, he will fall over himself to give her the love she craves. Here is another fabulous book that will help them find out what the other's deepest needs are: "His Needs,Her Needs".

We did counceling. It didn't help. What helped us was the almightly counselor, the Lord. The Bible is the best resource for daily living. Everything you need is in there!
But it all starts with a shift in thinking, and until that happens, nothing will get better.

So I have no advice on this one, other than wishing your friend luck and strength, being a single mom was the second hardest thing that I have ever done. The only thing that bothers me in reading some of these responses, some not all, is how quick we are to forgive men, when in reality they have no right to forgiveness. What is ultimately best for the child may not be two parents staying together. If mommy is going to be constantly belittled, and miserable then is that the example she wants to set for her son? Is it ok to teach a boy that you may talk down to women, that they are inferior to you, and that if you keep them in a constant state of fear you can get what you want? Because in my humble opinion, a strong mother, who is capable of standing up for herself, and demanding the respect that she deserves is far superior to a two parent household. And, young parents are just as capable as being amazing parents as older parents. I don't understand why we are so quick to say "you sound really young." The thing about being a mom is that we are trying to teach our kids to respect everyone, and yet we are so quick to pass judgement. Also, sometimes life requires more than prayer and a bible, it requires action. So, tell your friend to be strong and act, because she has two choices here. She can buck up, stay where she is and try her damndest to make it work, or to get tough and leave for good; because a constant state of limbo is very h*** o* children. Good luck!

First of all get a divorse lawyer- ask for the most aggressive cut throat in town. Know your rights and then walk out with your child. Until custody is decided as long as you are in the same State you are legal. Go for full custody. If he works full time and you are a full time Mom that money is half yours. Don't get manipulated.
Good Luck

AFTER READING SOME OF THE NEW ADVICE:

50% - 50% CUSTODY IS NOT AN AUTOMATIC THING! This guy sounds abusive, disrespectful, controlling and worse. If your friend makes sure she takes the proper steps to insure she and her child are safe, everything will be OK.

I agree that she should give him NO ADDITIONAL WARNING...he's already had that and thinks she's a JOKE.

HERE'S THE STEPS:

FIND A PLACE TO GO

GET A RESTRAINING ORDER (FEES CAN BE WAIVED)

GET A LEGAL SEPARATION WITH TEMPORARY CUSTODY ORDER

ASK FOR SUPERVISED VISITS ONLY AND LET THE JUDGE KNOW HE HAS THREATENED HER. HAVE A FRIEND BE THERE WHEN HE VISITS AND SHE DOESN'TT HAVE TO BE THERE (OR AT LEAST YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE IN THE ROOM AND HEAR HIS TRASH TALK)

Blessings......

Your friend sounds very young and/or just afraid of her husband.

There are a couple of solutions that come to mind:

ONE:

She can pack her bags and leave. She should make a police report if he is abusive and get a restraining order. If she can’t afford a restraining order, the fees will be waived.

If she's really afraid, she should just put a few things together and get out, when she is sure he's at work...if he has job.

TWO:

Legal separation, joint custody or supervised visits if the father is abusive, (which sounds like this may be the case).

If a man (who is supposed to love you), is laughing at you when you want to seek help in saving a marriage....It's probably over...and he sounds kind of sick.

You know your best friend....do you know her husband?

Blessings......

I'm sorry for your friend, her husband sounds like a real jerk. I have no advice, I just wanted to offer that support.

First your friend needs to ask herself if she & the baby are better off financialy staying. If he is not phsyically abusive then she can set boundries and co-exist. If he is then document everything and get an attorney & get out. Hopefully he is not, and your friend can then take time to plan and keep her plans to herself and not tell him. The best thing is to start stashing cash for herself and the baby, so she can support herself. She can also get free legal and financial advise. Hopefully this is just a phase in their marriage and they will be able to work it out. The baby deserves a good family life where mom & dad get along.

My best advice would be for her to go to counseling on her own if he won't go.

Your friend should consult an attorney - a consult is usually free. My husband and I did fight and when I mentioned divorce he'd always say that he would get custody of the kids. It was an idle threat and he couldn't get full custody if he wanted to. Regarding your friend not being able to leave with the child - there is no law (I don't think) that requires a child to reside in the family home. This is him being scared that she will leave him. If he physically restrained the child from leaving she should call 911. But she could also leave when he isn't there. But, she must consult an attorney and really think about whether her husband is a bad/dangerous guy or just hasn't adjusted to being a dad. The early years of children can be really difficult for some families.