Nanny (Me) and the 11 Year Old Girl

my 8 year old daughter is also very bossy, and if people won't play her way, she'd rather play alone. She's doesn't throw a fit about it though.
Here is hoe I try to help... I remind her that everyone needs a chance to make the decisions about play. So, if she decides that everyone has to do it "this way", then after a couple minutes, the other party gets to decide how to do it, and she must cooperate. Sharing is not just for toys, but she has to learn to share ideas and decisions too.
Also, the primary reason for the bossiness is probably (like my daughter) that she is allowed to "mother" her younger sibling. I try to teach my daughter that no one listens well when she insists and is snappy, and authoritative. I try to teach her ways to get the others to cooperate and not feel like she is being bossy.

Wow, you just described my 11 year old daughter. And yes, she is the biggest sweetheart. My advice - patience. Set the example, get to know her with some one on one time (maybe getting lunch ready). Ask her open ended questions like "how does it feel when someone does this to you?" or "what would you do if..." Not lecture but engage her mind into thinking. She is searching for great examples of how to act and feel.

At age 11 is she more than ready to be a "mothers helper"... in fact in about a year, she will probably be doing some babysitting. I would harness that "take charge" attitute and guide it to good use! She can help with the younger ones and "lead" them in a game or two! Kids at this age want to be helpful, and this is a great way for her to get some good experience under her belt to prepare her for her own adventures in babysitting!

Hormones.
She is a Tween.
Google "Tween development" online and lots of articles will come up.

I have a friend, that was a Director of a school... and she said that at this age & grade level, like clock-work, the girls, get SO hormonal and emotional and moody and so many issues. From about 11-12 years old, when they are pre-teens.
She said, there is also a lot of drama.... at this age.
They are still kids... and can't handle/cope with their emotions or issues... its a rough age.

But still, you can't tolerate that kind of behavior and it is disrupting EVERYONE and making the others cry. You gotta tell her parents. They must get this at home too, with her. TELL her parents, that she is making everyone cry... and they are miserable. Point blank. Tell them.
But yet, you are not "Mary Poppins" either nor the magical elixir for her.

What a doozy.

I would, just be matter of fact... and practical. Don't give in. Tell her in a respectful and firm way, that she is hurting everyone.. .and it is not tolerable. If she is upset... have her go to another room and cool off. She CANNOT hurt others. Period.
Tell her to be a decent human being.. to try her best. The screaming/crying won't help. And the BOSSY behavior is not allowed. Period.
If she does boss the others, tell them to step away from her and engage in other things... don't 'react' to her... just move away. Don't over rationalize to her or get too lengthy in "explanations"... just do quick efficient reactions... and stop. Let her scream/drama about it... but don't react. Just be matter of fact. She WILL deflate on her own... most kids do. But while IN the midst of a "tantrum" (which is what she is doing), you cannot 'reason' with a child. They won't listen.
So tell her, go vent, and go in another room.

I would just be matter of fact with her. Don't let her drag you into her drama. Because... NOTHING will be enough, for her. In this mood.
Tough love.

Some good books are:
1) "Have a New Kid By Friday"
2) "How to talk so kids will listen, and listen so kids will talk."
They have it on Amazon and even E-bay.

You are not her parent... and maybe just that fact alone, she will not listen to you. I don't know.

Maybe also, have activities that she can do by herself. Like reading, a craft, raking the leaves in the yard, just things SHE can do, by herself and feel proud about. JUST her own activity, by herself, so it is not something she can boss others about.

If that were me... I would tell the parents and not hold back. I do what I can that is in my ability and understanding for myself and my kids and the other kids.. . and for their well-being... and beyond that, the parents have to know.
It is also causing a lot of stress/anxiety for your kids... and the others... so something has to be done.
If she were like this in a school... they would be calling in the Parents.

all the best,
Susan

She sounds like a strong-willed child. I have one. I'm guessing your two aren't.

There are lots of books giving suggestions on how to work with the strong-willed aka spirited ones. You might want to try looking for some. My favorite so far has been "Setting Limits for your Strong-willed Child." You may also need to broach this issue with the parents. Find out how they deal with her. Work on being consistent (you and the parents) and finding the most appropriate and effective ways to set limits with her.

The spirited ones can be infuriating, but they can also be extremely sweet, intelligent, perceptive, and sensitive. (Being intelligent, perceptive, and sensitive have both positive and negative aspects.)

Good luck!

Sounds like the 11 yr old is a mini Mom and a little girl in desperate need of attention. It's being caught between being that little girl and the pre-teen with responsibilities. Hormones.... take note, it will occur with your daughter as well.

With that said, your boys don't have to participate in your work or entertain your 'charges'. If they have a separate place to play or entertain themselves, let them have that time and space. It is imperative that she gets along with her siblings and it sounds as thought she does a good job of that with her younger sister. Let her play and do things with her. She wants to. You don't mention at whose home you are caring for these kids. If this is their home, maybe it would be in the best interests of your boys for them to be able to stay home, in their own space, with their own things and routine. If you care for these kids at your house, again it's important to keep home and work separate. If your boys want to play or interact with these kids, great... if not, that's okay. They aren't the nannies or the entertainment. The 11 yr old girl is looking for girls her own age to interact with. Her older brother is off doing his thing and you have boys for her to play with. Her little sister is just that her little sister. If her parents can find a day camp or some activity that is unique for her, like a dance class, swimming, tennis lessons, an arts and craft camp... something that she could do with other girls her own age, life would be so much better for her, you and her family.

She's a great girl, she just needs to be treated as the pre-teen female she is. There's a lot of stuff going on in her body, the hormone ocean is churning and it will influence her behavior.

When I have more kids under my supervision first I call a "meeting" and I do set my expectations like if there is a problem how to solve it, they can take turns negotiate and suggest things until it is OK with everybody. If they can't do it, I would be the one in charge and they might not like my ideas, make sure they know that. Than I do tell them how the day will go like play, eat, quite time, art time and etc. Having some kind of a plan always helps. If that girl is the “bossy” type just give her “special duties” where she can be in charge like setting the table for a snack, making sure that everybody’s hands are washed for 20 sec with soap, making sure that all the toys are away and etc. I’m sure there is a lot to do for an 11 year old around the house. Put her in charge and make her feel special might do the job for you. Hope I was helpful. Good luck!

Don't lecture ask her some smart questions. Help her to figure it out. Keep asking until it sinks in.

I can't tell you exactly what to say or do, but I do want to recommend a few books that have helped me in similar situations. They are "Taking Charge" by Joanne Nordling and "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen...and how to listen so kids will talk" by Faber and Mazlish. Setting expectations at the beginning of each day will also be a good step; you may want to have a check-in two times a day, sort of like Circle Time, where the kids can be reminded of expectations.

I might also suggest working with the eleven year old to come up with some plans that feel comfortable for her when things don't go her way. What can she do that will feel good to her and allow her to stay in the group? Can you have a code that can help her when things get too tense, without singling her out? I once worked with a young girl who needed to take breaks and didn't realize how intense she had become with others, often in an angry way. I'd ask her- "do you want to go read a book?" This seemed like an innocent suggestion to those around her, but she took its meaning. Having a chat with her about a chosen activity that helps her center herself, and then offering that before things blow up, might help.

As a former nanny--I know summer with the big kids can feel long. Good luck!

Hey there! So I watch two little boys every day, along with my own two girls, and one of the boys (the 5 yr. old) is also quite bossy, and falls apart when people don't play exactly what he wants to play. He is still in the very self centered, world revolves around him, stage. Plus his personality is very sensitive. This combination makes for very dramatic playtime. I agree that it is better to let them work some of these things out on their own, but on the other hand, the bossiness, and disregard for others, shouldn't go unnoticed or unpunished. I hold him accountable when he tries to control others during playtime. I feel like there is a fine line though. The other kids are also needing to learn how to respond and deal with bossiness without crying and falling apart. This is how they learn confidence and how to stand up for themselves. It just means you have to pay attention a little more to how they are playing and listening to how they interact, but it is worth your sanity!

Hi L.-

Hello Fellow Nanny! I am a Certified Professional Nanny and was in the business about 10 years, I'm a parent coach. While I loved being a Nanny, it can be exhausting.

As for your 11 year old, I'd take her aside soon and talk to her just you & her. Say you know that she isn't trying to be bossy, but that's how it's coming out. I'd role play with her better ways to handle situations and help her develop an action plan.

I use to use key words, like, "Is there anohter solution" instead "you're being bossy."

I found kids often do not know they're being bossy & they don't know what else to do.

R. Magby