Need Advice from Someone with Lots of Kids

C.,

I have four kids age 8,almost 7, 4 and 2. Does that count as a large family? I have noticed that most current parenting advice is geared to someone with one or two kids and is often impractical or impossible to implement with a large family. I kind of had to do a lot that just worked for us.

I learned early on that my kids would start fights with each other for my attention. Dropping whatever I was doing to give them a repeat of the "let's share, get along, talk it out, etc. etc" speech just played into what they wanted. It's important to teach that principle from the beginning, but it isn't always the problem - especially when they know better and continue to fight.

In order to stop the fighting, it has to be more unpleasant for them than getting along. They already know that a good solution for a fight over a toy, computer time, etc. is to set the timer and each person gets equal time with the coveted object. They can "rock, paper, scissors" to see who goes first. If they want to fight about it, everyone gets to put their nose on the wall for at least 5 minutes and the coveted item is off limits for everyone until the next day. No lecture, no begging for them to behave, no reminding. They know how to behave, they just need consistent consequences and actions speak way louder than words.

We have also had to work a lot on tattling. If you tattle, you get the consequence of the behavior you tattled about. We make it very clear that if someone is bleeding, seriously injured or is about to be, that is not tattling and we want you to come to us. Tattling is telling with the intent of getting someone in trouble, and if you tattle, you get the consequence you intended your sibling to get.

After the fight is over and everyone has cooled down, I have the kids tell each other they are sorry and they shake hands. Then can be the time to talk about how to choose differently to avoid the same consequences next time, but that conversation definitely has to happen after the punishment and not before. The important message is that YOU made this choice and YOU chose this consequence and YOU control what happens to you next time because YOU make the choice. It has nothing to do with mom and dad and siblings. So take back YOUR power and make the right decision next time.

There are preventative things you can do as well. There was a time when I had to seperate my kids every night when I fixed dinner. I knew they were going to fight every day, so BEFORE it started I sent them both to a separate room with something to do and they couldn't come out until it was time for them to set the table and eat.

I give them each a little space of their own and we have a lot of separate bins for things - everyone gets their own bin for their hats, mittens, etc. They get their own shelf on the shoe rack. Everyone can get their own bin of bathroom accessories (toothbrush, comb, hair clips, etc.)

You can call a family council and work out a system on what grounds you can borrow things and what is considered community property. Let everyone contribute to what they feel are appropriate rules, limits, etc. In the end, you all want the same thing. It's just everyone sees a different road to get their and you, as the parent, have to remind them that their road cannot include trampling the rights of others.

Also, we schedule a lot of things out and rotate stations in the house. Two kids shower and bathe while the other does homework and the youngest plays. Then they swap. If they are all in line to use the bathroom or all trying to get my help with homework, or all get their free time at the same time and want to use the same things, there is frustration. I know a lot of families schedule computer time - 7:15-7:30 is Jennie's time, 7:30-7:45 is Bob's, etc.

Good luck,
S.

i dont know if it will help or not, but one thing i learned through my child care training is that sometimes kids do things to other kids just to get attention. and typically, it works.... say, one kid hits another kid. what do we usually do? we get mad at the hittER, and scold them, and pretty much dont interact with the kid who was hit until after...

we need to switch that around. when a kid hurts another kid, we need to make a much bigger effort and bigger deal over the child who was hurt! this is counteractive to the hitter because now all of a sudden they did something to get the attention and the person they hurt is getting the attention! so take care of the child who is hurt first. then get the kid who hurt them involved in the fact that the child is hurt. then you gotta lead that into finding out what went wrong, and why, and ask the KIDS what THEY think they should have done to resolve the problem on their own. dont offer any suggestions, its amazing, even though we know our kids and we know what they are capable of, they might surprise you by finding out an answer to the problem that you didnt think of.

another thought is to not get involved right away. let the kids fight their own battles sometimes. dont swoop in to make the situation end. obviously, use proper judgement, if someone is in danger, then you need to step in, but if its not life or death, typically you dont need to jump at every offense, see how the kids deal with it on their own. if its going unsuccessfully, step in and give each kid a way to stop and think "how can we do this nicer" or whatever.
good luck!

Hi C.,

I had to laugh when I saw your posting. My mom had two sets of twins within four years time and two singles!
5 girls and one boy!
I remember going for long rides in the station wagon with our dad to let my mom have a break from us kids arguing all the time.

It doesn't get any easier when they get older either. Imagine all those raving hormones!!! And you have 6 girls! Ugh!!! LOL!

Our good friends have a set of triplets and a set of twins!
Mom goes to work (she works in pediatrics delivering babies too) and daddy watches the kids and takes care of them. He does a lot of camping trips. They are in baseball little leagues. They are in the boyscouts and girl scouts.

Each child has their own identity, they are trying to test mom & dad...it's a part of being a kid with lots of siblings. It sure as heck isn't like the show, Eight is enough"! Or the Walton's! Wish it was,but it's not! LOL!

I hate to say it...but kids will be kids. And that's coming from a family of 8. My hubby came from a family of 10! And we are both twins! My dad came from a family of 13! When we have family get togethers now, we have to rent out space or go to one of the family memebers with large house!

Best wishes to you and your lovely family!

It's a fun time for you! Enjoy them! Mine are gone to college and I miss the arguing!

J.

Ahhhh . . . I know exactly what you are going through :) As a mom to six kids myself, I feel your pain - it's my pain, too! Even though I have an age spread between my oldest two and the youngest four, the bickering between all of them still exists. After nearly 22 years of raising kids, I will say two things - I can tune more of it out than I used to and when it does finally get to me, my temper is pretty short. For me, I draw the line at name-calling/intentionally hurtful stuff. The regular "bickering" (as long as it isn't going to lead to a physical issue), I pretty much ignore. Even if I get a "MOM, he/she won't let me/isn't doing/won't stop doing . . ." I usually say "work it out on your own." Most of the time, they are able to work it out amongst themselves (if I DO have to step in, neither party usually likes the outcome, so they are more likely to try to work it out). If I hear anyone name calling/hurting with words the punishment is swift and severe. Immediate loss of privelidges, time outs, missing a game, writing apology letters to the "victim" (my personal favorite), etc. There are NO warnings anymore - if I hear it, you are busted big time. Older kids (especially my two 12 year olds) get alot of verbal praise when I see them helping the younger kids solve differences or if I see them intentionally "holding back" on giving another sibling a tongue lashing and instead choosing to walk away. I am just now able to start praising the two younger ones for that as I see it more and more every day.

Honestly, there are days that more kids are in time out than not, there are days that my room is full of items that have been removed due to arguing, and there are days where every single person in the house has lost a privelidge. However, it seems like those days are getting less and less . . . (okay, now I am probably jinxing myself!).

Good luck no matter how you decide to handle it - it WILL end someday (or at least that is what I tell myself to get through the day).

I don't have a large family but I can suggest watching the Dugger family (18 kids and counting). She is pregnant with her 19th kid and all are well behaved and very thoughtful. I was impressed with how they handled one of the kids when he took some candy after being told no. They didn't point him out but sit down and read passages from the bottle about watching over your brother (or sister) when they are tempted into doing something they shouldn't. It gives them a very strong foundation and lets them know they need to look out for each other. When they look out for each other they don't fight as much.