Need Advice on Discipline for 14 Month Old Baby Girl

V.,

I had the same problem with my older son. He was like a bull in a China closet. The correction that worked best for us was "soft touch". We would take his hand everytime he hit and softly touched or stroked the item, animal or person and said "soft touch" very soothingly. After a week or two of doing this, he stopped hitting.

I hope this helps you.

Take care!

If the hitting is happening on the playground then remove her from the playground and calmly take her inside and have her sit out and tell her that you are on time out. If it is happening inside then you can remove her away and let her sit by herself away from the children and tell her you are on time out. Explain to her hitting is not allowed explain the reasons why you don't want her to hit. Remember to do this only When She Has calmed down.

It is just a phase. My boy did the same thing. Just staying constant with the discipline and explaining it lovingly will pay off. Pretty soon you will be able to reason with her. Just hang in there.

She is trying to tell you she does not want to be near strangers, and she doesn't have enough "tools in her toolbox" to tell you this, so she is trying to get your attention. I think the first thing that you need to do is be sensitive to her needs, which I guess is a fear of strangers. Since she is probably talking in a very limited capacity, you need to understand what she is trying to communicate and advocate for her. There is no reason why she needs to be subjected to having a stranger hold her AT ALL.

Now, that being said, you are doing the right thing by putting her down and removing attention from her, because hitting really is a no-no. But also try to give her another way of getting your attention that does NOT involve inappropriate behavior. AND validate her feelings by saying "mommy is holding you and I won't have the man hold you" and just tell the stranger that your daughter takes her time warming up to people that she does not know, so please respect that.

BTW - it is a phase, but you need to give her other ways of expressing herself until she is able to speak the words to you.

Hi, V.,
This does sound frustrating. I have a 15 month old daughter and I've been wondering if my daughter might start this sometime, too. So far it hasn't been a problem. One thing I noted in your message was that she tends to do this when a stranger tries to hold her. I've found that lately my daughter is pretty attached to my husband and I when we are in a new place or around new people. It doesn't last for long, but she does want to be held or be close for a few minutes. I've read in the What to Expect....Toddler book that you need to let the child feel comfortable on their own rather than insisting that they interact with the strangers. It's common for the child to be a little clingy and then once they are ready they will engage on their own. I also just read not to reprimand or make them feel embarrassed about this as it my exacerbate their feeling uncomfortable. It's hard because you're feeling embarrassed that your daughter is in a sense rejecting the stranger, but remember, it is you who will help her feel comfortable and secure and I'm sure the stranger(s) can deal with a mild rejection. The hitting you may simply be your daughter's way of telling you "no, I don't want to jump in this strange person's arms."

As for hitting the other kids and then giving kisses and hugs, it almost sounds like she thinks it's a game? My daughter started to do this recently -- she would pull my hair and loved getting a reaction and then she would be "sweet and gentle." She's my first so I don't have enough experience but my guess is that this is very common with young kids. Try moving her hand or distracting her - that's also what the book said.

Anyway, good luck. Hope some of the comments are helpful.
:)

Wow! I can't believe people would suggest teaching a child by hitting them back! Uh, yeah, that will surely teach her hitting is wrong - sheesh. Why does anyone think hitting teaches that hitting is wrong? Scary.

I have a 14 mo old and have read a ton about this - it is really, really common at this age. I say "No, hitting hurts, we don't hit and be gentle." I take her hand and I show her how to be gentle. She'll get it over time, and will move on to the next phase of issues! I saw this with my now three-year old, we dealt with it and it passed.

I think it's important for you and your mom and husband to handle it in the same way.

There are a lot of great books out there such as the SuperNanny one and others that talk about how to handle such things. Also, www.babycenter.com has some great articles on hitting, biting and how to handle the different ages and stages.

And, don't let people convince you it's because she is in daycare - that's just as dumb as hitting back. I've seen plenty of hitters and biters who have wonderful stay at home moms too.

Hi, V.,

I have kids aged 21 months and 6 months. On occasion, my elder child hits people, usually his brother. Even though kids often behave in frustrating and physically harmful ways, which incites people to punish them (spanking, hitting, etc.), I do NOT recommend pinching, hitting, spanking, etc. to show the offender what it is like to "get a bit of his own medicine." Research has shown that physically punishing (even spanking, which some people don't consider beating (why?)) a kid, in general, will make a kid become a more anti-social, resentful adult than he would have been had he NOT been physically punished. I am not saying that you should let the offender do whatever he wants. Do everything you can to prevent the offending child from hurting the intended victim and convey the message to the offending child that attacking others in any way is unacceptable. Try to attend to the offending child's needs (to the extent reasonable) and distract the assailant, or in other words, redirect the assailant's attention and energy.

Good luck,
Lynne E

Hi V.,
I feel for you. I ran my own daycare years ago, and my daughter would bite children when they took advantage or she perceived they took advantage of her...the pressure was unbearable...

In your daughter's case, this began so young, I would really check with as many doctors and online resources to see if she has some sensitivity to being touched and cuddled. A phase in my opinion would be a behavior she discovered that rewards her in some way: control for her benefit. In your daughter's case, I don't see what benefite she is gaining. Manipulative behaviors are usually learned when they begin gaining more and more control over their environment: i.e. grabbing with purpose, crawling and grabbing target items, pushing other children to get toys or in frustration. These "phases" are behaviors that with consistent time out and/or redirection (and I mean CONSTANT until the behavior ceases with EVERYONE in her proximity reinforcing it, and I trust that you all have tried that!) will go away. Especially by 14 months, when there is a LOT of cognitive understanding and language control on her part, she should be able to eventually change. What concerns me, is that it began so young. There might be something else at play here. I know you know...that if this does not change soon, you will continue to have an increasingly difficult road ahead. It behooves you and your husband to seek help from neurological and behavioral specialists, even counseling treatment that is geared around play, to help your family (I realize you are all suffering) and Phebes get past this. Imagine what the world looks like from her perspective: her behavior is engendering a cycle of responses that are interfering with her being able to develop expressions of caring and love.
There are a few critical things I learned a little too late as a mom: 1. I am my child's only true advocate. I know her better than anyone else, and if I think something is wrong, then something is wrong. I have had my trusted and beloved pediatricians be wrong. As long as I have a good dialogue, I am very comfortable bringing up scenarios that they may not have thought about.
2. We have a very short window of time to help our children grow in the manner that is healthiest for them. Yes, we need to work with their personalities, but our job as parents is to feed them in a healthy manner, make sure they have a safe home to live in (both physically and emotionally), make sure they get enough rest according to the child's biological clock, provide them with as many opportunities to discover the world around them (this includes their formal education), and monitor their behavior so that they know how to behave appropriately in each new environment. We only get one chance to do it right with our kids. Go to whatever source in your community or beyond to find out how to help your baby girl.
With love and support,
V.

Hi,
Tell her "Hitting hurts" "You may not hit me". Telling her to "be nice" is very abstract. Tell her use her words however few they may be. Model the words for her. Really look at the times she hits. If she is hitting when strangers want to hold her she might have a strong stranger anxiety. Very normal. You could say to her "I understand you are frightened, but you may not hit." Help her through her anxiety by talking to her about it. Epithize with her, but still say "hitting hurts" tell her "you can say or do this instead". Let her know how to handled situations differently. Sometimes kids hit or bite (My son's case) because they do not know what else to do.
I hope this helps and do not grow weary this too will pass :)

Sometimes little ones continue behaviors until someone lets them know haow it feels. It seems that your lil phebes will continue to hit until someone hits her back and really her know that you don't go around hitting people.

If she is hitting mommy & daddy, both of you need to give her a little swat on the tushie to let her know that is unacceptable and disrespectful. Don't continue to excuse this behavior.

Ok, first off, please, please, please ignore the comments urging you to hit your child. One woman actually said "I'm surprised grandma hasn't busted her butt." Oy vey, what the heck would that teach? The only thing that would teach is that it's somehow ok for adults to hit, but not her. Seems like an incredibly confusing message to give. I'd much rather teach children that it's not ok for anybody to hit - period!

You should know that this is a very typical development for this age. I'm fortunate in that my son hasn't really been a hitter (though he has done so from time to time - and he has other things I've had to work on), but I do know that the statistics say that 50% of kids will be "hitters." Others will bite, others will push, others will be screamers (that's my son), others will pull hair, others will pinch. Even the most docile child will strike out from time to time. So, please don't be embarrassed about what is very common behavior for the age. Having said that though, I agree that it shouldn't be ignored. Things that have worked for me in the past is to redirect every single time and use the same words - i.e. "we don't hit," "hitting isn't nice," and then start another activity. If she's old enough and has words I'd have her apologize. My son has to say he's sorry when he hurts someone or takes something from them. Something else I read that's supposed to help is to ignore the hitter at the time of the offense and then make a huge deal and pay a lot of attention to the "victim." Part of the hitting is to garner attention and if she doesn't get any she may stop. There are also a # of good books out there that deal with this issue. One is called, "Hands are not for Hitting," or something like that. It talks about all the good things hands are used for and why we don't use them to hit. Finally, the other thing that has been really effective for me is to talk to my son before we go somewhere. We discuss where we're going, how much fun it will be and what behaviors are expected. I will tell him that if he does X we'll have to leave. For some small things he gets a 2 time warning and for other things (hitting for instance) he has to leave immediately. So, if we go to his gym class and he hits someone I pick him up and we go right away. I've had to do that twice and he's never done it again.

Finally, I would not ever force her to go into stranger's arms if she is uncomfortable. She may be having some stranger anxiety right now, which is very age appropriate. I don't blame her for striking out if she's scared. There's no reason she has to go into anyone else's arms and there's certainly no reason to be embarrassed by it. She likely doesn't have the communication skills just yet to tell you how she's feeling and striking out is her way of letting you know that she's not cool with something.

Hang in there, she'll be talking up a storm before you know it and it will all become so much easier.

Hi V.-
Our daughter went through this around a year old also (she's 2 now. We had to nip it in the bud fast. We would say very firmly, "If you hit, you will go to time- out" and if she hit again- which she did at first- we just sat her against the wall for a minute. She would be very heartbroken and cry the whole time. SOmetimes I would have to stand there with my back to her so I knew she would stay put. After a minute, we would talk to her and say "it's not OK to hit, please say sorry. I love you" and give hugs and kisses to show we weren't mad anymore (Thanks to Supernanny this is how we do all our time- outs and it REALLY works to curb unwanted behaviors- 1 minute for every year).
It took just a couple days to break the habit when we were alone, but when we were around others she would push it again, and we would do the same thing when we had company or at other people's houses. As she got older, we stopped warning her and just put her in time out when she hit because it was like a free hit and she knew better. Now she doesn't hit anymore and does catch and stop herself when she gets mad.
Hope this helps- Good luck!!

If she is in daycare these people should have the knowlege to correct this. If they don't, then it's time they find out. I have no doublt other people have the same problem.

The only thing i remember with my son was that he would bite. I's say no it hurts. So one day in front of a neighbor he bit me and i bit him back, of course not as hard as he bit me, and that was the end of the biting. I did read later that you shoudn't do that but it did work.

He is in his 40's now and very successful and joy to be with, so don't believe it affected him. Lol

I think you are ignoring a physical reaction to an emotional situation. She hits you when strangers try to hold her because she is uncomfortable. It is nothing to get embarassed about, just tell people she is shy about being held and dont attempt to have them hold her. The hitting at daycare is a stage. When she gains more words to tell someone when she is having a problem with another child the hitting will probably stop. Again just a physical reaction to an emotional situation she doesnt have the words to control yet. Stay confident. She will be just fine!

This is very common! It is her way of getting her point across. Look at when she hits, is there something going on that you could change? Also, she seems like a very sensitive, hugging and petting the bobo, so talk to her about hitting hurting and it hurts your feelings and makes you sad. kids hate to make mom sad! give her an alternative to hitting. like clapping her hands. if she is hitting in frustration or anger have her clap and use her words (I am assuming she is talking). Encourage her to use words all the time, the more language she develops the easier she can express her emotions and the hitting will stop.

Since your child has been doing this since such an early age, you might want to do a little research on SID, sensory integration disorder. Don't freak out when you read the stuff about it, remember that you need to pick the things you identify with your child and focus on those. Very few of kids have all the aspects and alot have just a touch of them. Some kids, (i have 2 of them) are pefectly typical in most ways, they just prefer not to be touched, and have a strong sense of personal space. If you feel that any of the SID aspects apply to your child then you might want to talk with Connie Lillas in Alta Dena. She's the best person around to deal with this. Regardless of whether the SID criterion apply I'd suggest you speak with an occupational therapist and get their feedback, and speak with a therapist to get some parenting help. Since this started so young it's probably not volitional, and understanding the root will make it easier to come up with a solution. Telling her to be nice means nothing to her at this age, my guess is that she may be crying because she's scared and does not know how to deal with it. BTW, your pediatrician may or may not know what this is about, some of them are very limited in their backgrounds. Get some help now, I know from experience that it will make your life much easier.

Hi V.,
Don't worry--it's definitely just a phase. My daughter went through it too, at exactly that age, and she's two and a half now and doesn't hit anymore. I was told to just firmly say, "No hitting. Hitting hurts." And then remove her from the person or situation, and then let it go. I guess if you make too much out of it, they will do it again for the attention. :)
Hope that helps!
~B.

My son started doing this around the same time. Try replacing the undesired action w/ a positive action... What we did is briefly state it is not nice to hit... pet instead.... see how nice it is. He stopped hitting and started petting us instead to get our attention. Good luck!

dear V.,
i am 47, and the mother of 10 children. my only advice is, is there any way you can stay at home with her? she may be having to defend herself at daycare, and does not sound comfortable with strangers. stay home and be her mommy if at all possible. you may have to do without some of the finer things in life, but your baby will be yours and you are her primary teacher. who knows what goes on at daycare. well, and just so you know, i am not rich in material things. in fact we have been one paycheck away from disaster many times. no, it's not fun, but my kids were pretty happy and are well adjusted adults. (my oldest is a 27 year old mom, my youngest living is luke, my four year old. our tenth, a girl named lucy, did not make it. anyway, that's all i have. give your financial worries to God. He will not be outdone in generosity.

It is a phase. Don't worry. Currently, my precious two year old hits her older brothers - especially the four year old... and she does this so she can comfort him after. Drives me crazy. Just be consistent. Be firm. It will be okay.

Hi, I know it is difficult to discipline such a small child but this is going to become a nasty habit as she gets bigger. My advice: You need to do something she hates. Just an example: Make a sudden loud noise, clap your hands together sharply and say "NO!" in a strong, firm voice. Or if she hates to be confined, put her in a play pen or a place where she can't be free, as in a Time Out. There has to be a consequence that means something to her. You know your baby so you know what will work. Just think about it. Don't feel guilty because it is better she learns now before she gets older and becomes known as a "school bully". It would be best to do it right when she hits, otherwise she won't know why she is being chastised. It is best to teach, teach, teach now or you will have a real problem as she grows up. I know from experience as I have two of my own. My daughter is now 20 and my son is 10. Good luck to you, and of course you love her. You always will, no matter what.

It sounds to me like you have having problems setting limits with your baby. Its not enough to hold her hand and explain that hitting isnt nice-she needs to hear and see that you are not going to tolerate this behavior. You dad and grandma need to be very stern and consistant about this. You may not hit! No! Sit her down for a time out-short, but important. You sit here now, because you hit your friend(mommy, daddy, whoever) You will have to be just as firm no matter who she hits or why she hits. It doesnt matter. She may not hit. Anyone. There will be tears. But better now than when she is older and doesnt take you seriously when you try to guide her behavior.

Hello I am a mother of 6 children. Yes, it is a phase. Keep up the gentle reminders. She will eventually out grow it. And I would also suggest removing her from the situation when she's hitting and remind others she is going through a phase.Its okay if she cries when she is being removed, she will eventually understand the consequence of her behavior. It takes a lot of patience to raise little ones, but I promise your patience will pay off. Little children are our greatest teachers! Enjoy.

I have 4 lil' blessings now. 8 yr old girl, 5 yr boy, 2 1/2 yr boy,& 10month old baby girl.
-------------ITS JUST A PHASE!!!!------------------
She'll grow up.Keep doing what your doing.But....if she sees it happening with other kids, shes most likly just copying knowing shell get some attention.
My 10 month old girl hits too.But she sees her siblings and doesnt mean to hurt them.But im constantly telling her "no,no soft."Then she stops.
But you've herd that saying...monkey see, monkey do.
You are doing what you can for this age.You dont want to hit back.Just keep telling her, "No ...Be soft, nice, love."
Thru experience, K. H

Hey! I don't have advice for you I'm sorry. I haven't been down that road, but I'm sure it's a phaze. You'll get through it fine, don't fret!
I just wanted to write to say, check it out, you spell your name the same way I do, and I too am a V. M. I did a double take when I saw your name. Yay! Another V. M!
Have a great day!
V. Moore

You are forcing her to do something that she doesn't want to do - be held by others. She needs to have her boundaries respected. Babies are people too, and they don't have to be lovable with everyone! How would you feel if someone you loved, but was much bigger than you, tried to force you to have bodily contact with someone who you were unfamiliar with? She is hitting out of desperation - she is unable to verbally express herself but she wants you to know she doesn't want to be held by someone else.

That said, just keep reenforcing that hitting is not an acceptable behavior. When my daughter began hitting at around 1 year, we picked up the book "Hands Are Not for Hitting" just to keep driving the point home. She doesn't hit so much anymore, but on the odd occasion that she does, we say in a loud, stern voice "NO HITTING."

You should try hitting her back, she needs to make the connection that when she hits someone that person feels pain. If that fails, try spanking her on the bottom, it works!

I think Ryanne is correct about the emotional response with strangers. If she doesn't like it don't do it. I also think it could be an emotional response at daycare mabey she doens't like being away from mom or mabey it's being with a large group of kids and wants more attention form Grandma. I am not saying you shouldn't try to teach her otherwise but preventing it might work better if at all possible. PLEASE remember she is ONLY 14 months old, children this age alot of times develop a fear of losing (leaving) their mother. Alot of times using a positive phrase instead of a negative one can help for example be soft instead of No Hit because then they focus on the hit part.

Hi V. - My daughter started doing this at around 14 months and at 16 months it's gotten alot better. I think you're doing all the right things by telling her to be nice. In "What To Expect The Toddler Years" they have a great section on hitting. Remember that the hitting is a way to release emotions. So if you can get to the bottom of why she's hitting and deal with the emotional side, then you may be able to correct the hitting. I'm not opposed to spanking but think that to hit a kid to tell her not to hit is counter-productive. What we did was when she hit, we would grab her hand and squeeze it with just enough pressure to get her attention and tell her, "No hit." I read somewhere else that using simple sentences works better than being wordy as they understand it better. I know how frustrating and embarassing it can be but she should grow out of it. Good luck!

When my kids hit, I would hold their hand down and tell them in a firm voice, "That's not ok!". I hoped to scare them so they wouldn't do it any more. If they didn't stop then they couldn't play with the other kids because they couldn't play nice. I have had some kids that actually had to be hit back before they would stop. Hopefully that's not the case here.

my daughter did the same thing. She's 28mo. now and when she's tired or in a strange situation she'll sometimes do it. I know this may sound weird, but when she hits or engages in a behavior that is harmful, if she doesn't heed my warnings ... I'll growl at her and make a mean face. I know ... it seems strange but she really responds to it. sometimes trying to talk to her and reason with her about how it's not nice just doesn't work and I have to get a little primitive on her. Like every other baby/toddler, their little neanderthals and sometimes only respond to that type of "language". You should pick up a book called "Happiest Toddler On The Block". It really helped me to understand why my little one does the things she does.

Okay--so you have a kiddo who is super smart and doesn't have the language to keep up with her needs. So she hits--we had the same thing with our son. Time out---you create a time out space. No attention===no nothing! As soon as she hits--she goes and sits (and you may have to keep holding her in the time out chair or whatever the first few times) and set the timer for 1 minute--1 min. per year of age--and then she gets out. All done---and we had to do this for over a year---so hang in there! But start this---it made a huge difference. Also--if you can anticipate when she'll hit--try to either avoid those situations for now or use words to explain the situation to her. That models using words. Good luck--hand in there! It does end I promise!!

well, I forsure would not give in. It might not be comfy and people may look at you funny, but don't give into your kids, its just letting them win. She will start to play you like a fiddle, and it can be funny now, but a 4 year old crying til she gets her way because she knows thats mommy will give in soon sucks. I would keep doing what you are doing holding hands down, saying no that hurts people, removing her from situations before they escalate(that would proubably be grandmas job), talk to her very simply about things, 'that hurts friends", "use your words" etc. There is a lot of repetition with kids. You might have to say it 20 x's a day for a year, but soon she will understand. Keep good habits now with consistency and it will be easier later! Good luck!