Need Discipline Advice

My son would do this and I use to hold his hands and tell him firmly "No we do not hit. Hands are for hugging, hands are for holding and hands do not hit." If he used a toy to hit I would take the toy away and put up until I felt like he was ready for the toy back.
Just be firm and don't back down. It's going to take some time for her to understand hitting is not nice.

When she hits, calmly say "we do not hit.. that hurts" then remove her from the situation, or walk away. Do not interact with her.

Go back and try again... if she hits you again, say "Ow! That hurt! We do not hit" and again, walk away.

Eventually she will get the message that if she hits, she loses your attention.

At my house, I hold my child's hand and say firmly, "No hitting. It hurts I dont like it." And then I walk away.

Mostly - I just leave it at that. No drama. No excitement. Now that my daughter is two and a half, if she keeps hitting, I say, "If you hit, you go to your room." If she hits, I put her on her bed in her room and walk out. She HATES that and bursts into tears. I go back in about a minute and tell her that hitting hurts and to say sorry. She happily says sorry and gives a hug.

My son is four and he still gets mad and sometimes hits. I send him to his room.

I think its normal for kids to hit until they learn other ways to express themselves and get what they want - until they mature and get some self control.

I think you are right on thinking that hitting just teaches hitting. I DO think if your slap your child for hitting, you may have a more effective short term gain (your child stops hitting you) but you ARE teaching your child that the person with power hits and you are NOT modeling ways to resolve a conflict. When your child is upset on a playground at age 7 - do you want them to hit, or use words to say what is wrong?

I feel confident that as my children grow and mature acquire more tools, they will become more adept at resolving problems without hitting.

http://healthland.time.com/2012/02/06/why-spanking-doesnt...
http://healthland.time.com/2011/06/28/would-you-record-yo...

I like what Malia said; loss of parental attention without a big fuss (which sometimes is a reward of sorts) works well. If she uses a toy to hit, I'd simply say "(toy) is for hitting. We're all done with that now." and put the toy away while walking away.

If you can keep your response low-key and matter of fact, she doesn't get the big, exciting reaction. What Cheryl suggested about being stern worked well for her because she did it the very first time it happened, but I also believe that for a kid who is already enjoying your 'ow' and big reaction, a different approach might be needed. At this age, it's also okay to use the Pack and Play as a safe place for her: "You may not hit me. You may play in here for now." and set her in there for two minutes with NO attention from you. No extra talking about it when you take her out, either. Parents tend to sabotage themselves by bringing the child's attention back to the negative actions, which then reinforces the payoff of those actions. Pay attention to the times she's being gentle and also praise her for that. "You are being careful with your toys." "I like the way you are touching me--it's so soft." If it's your attention she's wanting, this will help.

Babies and toddlers don't need to witness spanking or hitting in order to learn it. It's an instinctive impulse that they need to learn to control. Just putting that out there. Witnessing it and experiencing it doesn't help matters, but it's not the driving force.

Anyway, we're not a spanking household and each of my daughters went through the phase. My 10 month old niece is going through the phase because some of her toys require "bonking" and bonking is fun, and she gets a response from bonking people too. My 2 1/2 year old nephew hits out of frustration and anxiety. He hits everyone. None of these children are spanked.

I always get down to eye level and firmly say to whichever child is doing it and I firmly say in my most serious "I'm the Mamma" voice, "We don't hit. You will not hit. Do you understand?" If they respond with hitting then I gently grab that hand, hold it down and continue to look them in the eye and repeat what I said. I do the same thing if I catch them hitting someone else.

I'm the only one now that my niece and nephew don't hit. My daughters are not hitters. They never got in trouble in school for hitting or any other violent behaviors. They never hurt their friends intentionally. Because from the very start it wasn't acceptable.

I'm not as nice about this as some because I will not tolerate being hit by a kid, no matter what age.

What I did with mine (1 daughter, 2 stepsons, 9 grandchildren, two of which have lived with me for extended periods of time) is the VERY FIRST TIME they hit me or attempted to hit me because I NEVER let them do it, is to grab their arm, look them directly in the eye with a VERY stern look on my face and tell them in no uncertain terms and in a VERY strict tone "You don't hit grandma ever. Not even playing. NEVER raise your hand to me again." I usually never had to tell them more than once and to this day I have NEVER been hit by any one of my kids, stepkids or grandkids.

This is something I absolutely do not tolerate not even one time. This is a matter of respect. If you let them get away with it as a baby, mark my words they will do it again.

I have said on this site many times that I am "old school" and "old school" is all about respect!

By the way, if you're not a spanker, how did your daughter learn to hit. People all the time think that spanking a child teaches them to hit. If that's the case, where did your daughter learn it. My philosophy is we all know how to be violent - we are animals even if we are civilized and at the top of the food chain (in most instances). What we need to learn and to teach is self-control. So even non-spanked children are violent and do hit so just because a spanked child hits, doesn't mean they learned it from their parents!

Children hit as a reaction and sometimes they think it is a game.
A firm, we do not hit! In a stern unhappy voice, is the best way. Then walk away.

Or we do not hit mama, you can hit this doll.

Children are not born knowing the rules. They do not know that it hurts or that adults see hitting as a negative behavior.

And so you teach her, just like you teach her to make kisses, or to wave bye, bye...

It only takes a few time and the same reaction fom each person.

the reaction she's getting when she's doing it is making her laugh - so change your reaction. a firm "NO." and a disappointed look for starters. no high-pitched squeals or shrieking, no shocked gasps with a big surprised face. all of these things can trigger the "game" response.

if she is hitting with an object, take the object away and get up and walk away (also saying, "NO hitting.") if it is with her hand, same - get up and walk away, firmly and sternly stating "NO." she should get no positive reinforcement out of hitting, then she will stop. but it needs to happen every time. no drama, no excitement, no laughter or anything.

this is the age that i remember feeling, i have to teach (my son) that everything he does is NOT okay, and mom being upset is NOT a good thing. i don't think you should hit her for hitting, or anything like that. no shouting at her or berating her - but use a firm, unhappy, disappointed voice (and facial expressions) and don't love on her or give her attention for a few moments. get up and walk completely away. at this age they crave adoration and attention and contact. take those away and she will learn, cause and effect. acting like this doesn't get me anything good. she'll quit doing it with no "discipline" needed.

I have never and would never tolerate a child hitting me, ever. My kids have never hit me, and if they did, I would absolutely react by spanking butt. You're not interested in spanking (and the hitting to teach no hitting logic isn't lost on me, but the 'teaching your kids that YOU are the parent, NOT them' logic is lost on a lot of other parents), so that won't work for you, but no matter how you decide to deal with this behavior, it must be dealt with swiftly and in a manner that gets across the message that this is by NO means acceptable. I'm not a fan of positive reinforcement for hitting, biting, and the like. Those are behaviors that put other people in danger and should be dealt with more swiftly and severely, IMO.

I definitely agree with Cheryl B in how to look at the child and say we NEVER hit and don't hit me EVER again, but it doesn't always work as well with a 20 month old child as with a little older one. Yes, I've had older ones than 20 months try it. I don't think spanking causes hitting either, kids hit and that's how it is, not all as much as others. I think if spanking is done as true discipline and not hitting it works well but this is not about spanking. Kids at 20 months old will try a lot of things and how you handle it initially will stop it or continue it. If they see you mean 'don't do it' they will be less likely to do it but it may take a bit of saying it over and over and holding her hands when you say it so she can't hit at you. I've had some try that as I say 'don't do it'. They have to learn, and if taught, they will.

You say take her hand, hold it and say "no hitting" or "we don't hit." Say it sternly but not angrily and do NOT smile when you say it.

I think it's only the adults that see the failed logic of a swat to correct hitting.

It's pretty much how we all learned it - and I don't recall arguing the inconsistency then, nor as I got older.

Talk to her and tell her it is not funny. Take the toys aways that she hits with until she stops hitting with her hands.
Good luck.