Need Help with 4Yr Old Son Cant Control Him

It sounds like you are busy and believe me they know it and they know what they can get away with. He needs so time outs for misbehavior (4 minutes in a corner), soap or hot sauce for cussing and through all this you need to be consistent. But he sounds like he needs some extra love, guidance, praise for when he does good things. I think consistancy and guidance are the keys. I had my 4 year old test me for a short time (he's almost 5 now) and those are the things I did and he's a good boy now. Also, be an example-- if you don't want him to cuss and hit- DON'T let him see you doing it. Good luck!!

You should get the book, "1-2-3 Magic." You can read a lot, and decide what method is right for you, but I think this book is good. It highlights the importance of consistency and not getting emotional. It will be a bit of a challenge to bring him back now that he's started down a path, but if you are consistent and keep at it, after a certain amount of testing, he'll accept that this is really the way it is and he'll feel safer.

Kids test limits when they aren't sure they'll last. They want limits, and are basically saying, "Am I safe? Am I safe?" And if there's no consistent limit the answer is no. I've heard it likened to crossing a bridge, and pushing on the side rails and having them fall away. Not very safe. Then, once the rails are back in place, they will test them for a while to make sure they are really going to stay. If they fall away again, it's more proof that they really aren't safe. So you have to be consistent with limits. Then they can feel comfortable as they work through the challenges of their little lives, knowing that you're there with limits to keep them safe. It's a great big world out there, and we have to keep it little enough for them.

Time-outs can be effective, but in our family, we use them as a way to cool down, not as a punishment. Punishment works until they're teenagers, and then they realize you really don't have any power over them. It's important to establish a routine now, when they're little, of mutual respect and them wanting to please you because it feels good. Then later it won't be a power struggle. The power is already established.

You can read the book and start a new routine with him, explaining that this is the way it is, and if he forgets, you'll help him remember. Praise the good stuff. Give him high fives for good choices. And be consistent and kind and give him lots of love. These years are vitally important to who he'll be when he grows up...what is being put in place now about his idea of who he is will be what he draws on for the rest of his life. So by setting consistent limits and giving praise for good behavior, you can help him to feel proud of himself as he acts the way he's supposed to.

Good luck!

Run to the Borders bookstore and buy "Dare to Discipline". Stop spanking or smacking in the mouth. Try just holding him in a loving embrace especially when he is the most unlovable. Go to a separate room for at least 5 minutes and calm him. Once he is calm he may listen better. He bullies because he is insecure. Don't give in to him, set rules that he must follow but give him some self esteem builders and a little more reinforcement. Remove him from the room when he becomes uncontrollable. He is your first choice, not your friends.

You are the Mom You are supposed to guide him, not let him rule you. Be consistant above all!!! If he can do it (it=whatever undesireable behavior) sometimes and not others, He will never know if there will be consequences. Also does he eat a lot of sugar? If so I would limit it big time, Even think of his juices, water them down if you have to. My son is 5 he still gets 50% juice and 50% water. Not for behavior, they just don't need all the sugar. Good luck

You have received a lot of good advice and I want to add a little....

Get down to his level when you speak to him and make him look at you. Speak calm, but firm. Explain what he did wrong, tell him that the behavior is not allowed and he will be in time out for 4 minutes because he hit Susie, or yelled at Mommy or said a bad word etc.

You might have to experiment on what the punishment is. Time-out worked great on my son, but not my daughter. Removal of toys or privileges worked better for her.

I also eliminated all sugar from their diet because my son was a complete animal when he had it. My Dad used to tell me that I was mean for not letting the kids have candy...until he witnessed first hand how my son was calm and well behaved until he ate a chocolate kiss, then he was out of control and wouldn't listen.

Hope this helps

Do you watch what he eats? With some kids certain foods can cause them to be totally out of control. Especailly Red 40 dye. I know that doctors and other professionals do not agree on this but I have experienced this personally with my son and one of my daughters. And cutting out the red 40 dye made a big difference as well as certain brands of peanut butter and chocolate. If your son is really out of control, stop and think about what he has eaten. You may start to notice what sets him off. This made a big difference for me and my son. He did not like being out of control but there was some kind of reaction to certain food that made him unable to control his actions.

Tough love is also important. He needs to know that his behavior is unacceptable. Find a consequence that will mean something to him.

I haven't read any of the other suggestions yet, but I am wondering if it is diet. Some children need a diet without milk products while others cant handle sugars and foods with dyes. This is one I am sure you can google. However it might be A.D.H.D. or O.D.D.(Oppositional Defiant Disorder). Your Pediatrician can best guide you. They can do testing which could send you to Specialists. Also you mentioned Special Preschool. Have you had him tested through the District? With testing, your child can receive free Preschool if they qualify with special needs. This can be anything from delayed Speech development to an unlabeled Learning Disability. It doesn't mean he's not smart. Many children with behavioral issues are genius smart.
I raised a son with A.D.H.D. and through informational support type groups at his school and reading/researching, we survived it. It's hard when it feels like people are looking at you, making you feel you must be doing something wrong. Believe me, my son had plenty of consistency and discipline, from time outs to grounding of the Nintendo etc.
Best wishes!

Hi S.,

I, too have had moments where my five year old pushes his luck.

My main strategies are putting him on the time out square (he can monitor and control his behaviour from there), when we go out in public, if he plays up, there is a time out place!.

My second strategy is withdrawing his favourite toys or bike and he has to earn it back.

My main focus is putting the onus back on him to work on his behaviour. You wouldn't believe it but Thomas the Tank Engine DVD's have a lot of focus on behaviour and how you should treat others.

Hope this helps

J. O

Try the book have a new kids by Friday. It is Written by Kevin Leman. It is really helpful. Dr Dobson also has a book Bringing Up Boys. Both are great books

Hi S.,

I had a similar issue with my youngest son when he was around age three (now age 10). I turned out that he had food sensitivities and was particularly sensitive to food dyes and preservatives. He also had a problem with refined sugar. Once we removed all of these, he was a completely different child. We did have to take him in for counseling, though, to repair some of the behavioral cycles that were created. We went to Tony Hembre-Kegin, and she was awesome.

Best wishes to you and your family. :)

Warm Regards,
G. Van Luven, H.C.
Healthy Habits Wellness Center, LLC
www.HealthyHabitsWellnessCenter.com
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You can control him. You need to choose a predictable punishment and stick to it. Then he knows that if he does A then B will happpen. So, if he says a bad word, take him home and put him on a time out. If he hits another child at the playground, take him home and put him on a time out. You absolutely cannot let him win when he behaves like that ever. If you threaten a punishment, follow through. He is learning that he can get away with his behavior and it is only going to get worse as he starts school. I know it is hard because I work all day and when I get home the last thing I want to do is punish my son and send him to his room.

My son reached an age where he was testing everything and after 2 years of not letting him win, he finally got the picture. It was the hardest thing I ever did but it really paid off. He is now such a sweet respectful boy. Kids like and need boundaries. Around the age of 3 or 4 they are testing these boundaries, and if you don't set limits from the get go they will continually push until they reach those limits. Be strong, be the boss. You can do it!

I second diet possibly too.

If you're with AHCCCS, try calling CPSA and getting referred to maybe Arizona's Children Association....they might be able to help as well.

you have some good replies here already....

but I'm curious about one thing... the cursing... how does he even know what curse words are? He might just be demonstrating what he sees or hears in the house or in his daycare. I know you said you work full time, maybe he needs a change in his daycare or preschool to a new environment.

Hi, I am a social worker and the best advice I could give you is to be consistent. Try not to punish and focus on the negative all the time and yes I know that is hard but there are times that every child does something good, praise him for those moments. I would guess that it might be hard when your tired to be consistent with him and not to take things emotionally/personally at times. Best is to take emotion out of all discipline. Its hard to do but it can work wonders. Kids have this way of knowing when they can control their parents even negatively. Now even if he has ADHD these techniques still apply and even more so. Get down to his level, firm but lovingly tell him what you expect from him and what the consequence will be.Always follow through on this every time. Do this before the behavior happens, most kids are predictable when they are going to act out. If he is ADHD remember he is impulsive and can't control himself but that doesn't mean he can' learn to do so. Pick one or two behaviors to work on at a time. By focusing on those behaviors you will only address those behaviors and by doing so he will feel like he is not always in trouble. And do remember catch him doing what you want, we forget as adults to focus on the behaviors we want instead we focus on what we don't want. Good luck

I would call your number on the back of your insurance card and ask them for a name of a child psychologist, or list of them in your area. They will a lot of times give you a list and then you can talk to each one to see who you feel comfortable with over the phone. Then make an appointment and go from there. I have a son who has been there and done that. Turns out he is slightly autistic and has sensory integration problems on top of it all. I got him into a good Martial Arts program and the behavior got a lot better within a few weeks of him starting. He is now 8 years old and still in the Ernie Reyes West Coast Martial Arts on the corner of Golf Links and Wilmot, in the safeway parking lot facing Wilmot. The 4 year olds are in a group that he calls Little Dragons and it is very structured and the instructor is very good with kids.

Anyhow, my son used to yell and scream and throw fits. He also used to throw chairs when he got mad or anything that was close at us. He used to bite, and hit and scratch and throw sand. The old thing he did not do was use the curse words. Although he would tell me he HATES ME every day and stuff like that. I hope you find what you are looking for to help your son.

D. P.