Neighbor Excluding My Kids

FWIW, I have some different perspectives on this issue. If nothing was ever explicitly stated, your "general understanding" may not be the same as hers or any of the other mother's. She may not be happy with this arrangement but is afraid to be the one who upsets the apple cart. I can tell you that I would not want to be responsible for the neighborhood kids, especially if it was not planned in advance--I could be in the middle of something, or quite frankly, not in the mood. If someone broke their arm or peed in front of everyone or god knows what else--it's a big responsibility. And if someone is naughty, reprimanding other people's kids can be a sticky situation.

I am the first to admit that I am over-protective and paranoid, but I would not let a 3 & 5 year old play with other kids without being around to supervise, or knowing that another adult was providing constant supervision. A quick peak out the door every now and then wouldn't be enough for me at those ages.

It is odd that she is sort of singling out your kids. Are they the youngest? Is your daughter the only girl--anything like that? Maybe the other mothers have arranged something in advance?

In the end, I think every parent needs to be responsible for, and keeping an eye on, their own kids, unless something else is set up ahead of time. It sounds like right now the kids sort of have free reign over the 4 yards, but maybe it needs to get a little more formal--asking permission or being invited. I could also see instances where maybe a family wants one family over, but not the other two. How to respect each other's spaces and time is something you will have to work out, but communication is key. Good luck.

You've gotten some great ideas. I'd take this with a grain of salt and try not to get too miffed about it. Most likely it's just a simple misunderstanding between the two of you, and she might not know how to tell you what's bothering her.

Why don't you host a "playdate" at your house and invite all of the other mom's/families? Send invitations or stop over to their house and invite them over for a certain date and time. Then, while you're all hanging out and getting to know each other better, say something, like, "Our kids are becoming such good friends, aren't they? I love being able to let them out to play and know that they have close friends/neighbors to play with, but maybe we should talk about how this is working for everyone. Would you all like to talk about how you'd like this to work? some ideas could be that you rotate days or take turns having the kids play in your yard, or set up more formal playdates and each other's houses. It doesn't all need to be formal, I think it's great for the kids to play together and be about to be spontaneous, but you should all at least have each other's phone numbers and keep in touch if your kids are playing in someone else's yard.

If I were you, I'd do this and get everyone's phone number, and then when the kids are outside playing, if I saw them heading to someone else's house/yard, I'd give that mom a call and ask if it's okay/is now a good time? That way, the other's don't feel obligated to keep an eye on them if it's not a good time for them. Be a good neighbor and be proactive, there's no sense in letting this get out of control or turn into a neighborhood fued. Take the lead and the others will follow - that way, maybe some of the mom's will start calling you to see if there kids can play in your yard, and if it's not a good time for you, you'll be able to say so.

Are your kids younger than the other ones? Do they need more supervision? If not, I guess I would go talk to her to establish some ground rules. Or just go over there and say, "Is it alright that my kids play in your backyard with your kids? I hope they're not imposing" and just see what she says about it. Maybe she just wants you to ask if it's okay, and then everything will be fine. Some people are just strange. Good luck.

Hi L.
I have to agree with cassandra. You will need to talk to the neighbors and work out a formal plan. It really ticks me off when the neighbor kids come and play with out being invited. Because then I can't just let my kids play outside I need to be there to protect myself if anything where to happen and they have. So please have heart to heart with your neighbors.

If your kids are indeed being singled out, I'm wondering if your kids did something that bothered the other mother. Are they overly busy or don't listen to others well? I'm not trying to point fingers, just throwing out ideas.

I would just talk to the Mom and see what her reasoning is.

Hi,

the situaiton is familiar to me. Here is my story. We have a big yard, a tree house, used to have a pool, and lots of flower beds. Naturally, neighborhood kids liek to play in my house. but... I brings up a question of liability. kids come a dn start climbing on trees, or on the sides of the tree house (it is 16 feet high), or on the roof of a play house which was not build to support heavy weight. what if somebody falls and breaks an arm? It is my yard, so am i responsible? One of my friends got sued.

I have posters with rules in my yard. And I do sit out there religiously 10 feet away to supervise when kids are playing.

I know one neighbor pretty well, so I hope there is some udnerstanding and trust between us. As for other parents/neighbors, I sort of know them by face and where their houses are. But I do not know them as people, and I do not have any idea what might happen if their child gets hurt while playing on my property.

And I had to ask one child not to come to play in our yard, after 3 months of "trial period" because we had a lot of discipline issues with her. If a child does not follow the rules, s/he can not come to play.

So I think, your neighbor is not trying to be mean or anything and exclude you kids, you just need to get to know her, build some trust, and talk to her about watching kids.

Hi L.

Is it because she is younger then the other kids outside playing . The mother may not feel as comfortable with a younger one running around with the older kids . She may think you might get upset if your child gets hurt in her yard .
I am just guessing because you did not say how old the other children are .
If it is your 3 year old she sends home I think I would too . With my two I was always outside with them tell they were closer to 6 unless they were in our fenced in backyard . Then even after the age of 6 I still kept a close eye on them .

Are the other kids older? Like Cassandra said, I'd be the protective one and be out there with them if I can't see them from my own windows. If they are all that young, I wouldn't leave them unsupervised unless I specifically said to the mom I think is watching them "are you okay keeping an eye on them for a little bit?" The assuming someone else is watching is a little scary to me. How close are these homes to yours?
If it happens again where the one mom seems to send yours home, invite all the kids to come and play in your yard. Maybe she's feeling like she watches them more than others. I think it's best just to ask the neighbor what's going on. Hopefully she can be honest - don't be confrontational, just ask if it's okay that your kids are at her house when the other kids are all there.

I have an only child (boy, age 4). We live next door to 3 boys ages 5-7. Our adjoining yards are irristable for the kids. I let my boy play outside in the neighbor's yards, but I keep watch (in either yard) if there is no parent outside with them. I try to teach all the kids how to be good neighbors--that means if you go on someone's property, clean up your messes, don't break anything, help your neighbor out with any yard maintenance you notice! (This means you and your kids should feel free to pick up trash, pull obvious weeds, etc.) If something breaks, fix it. May as well raise the standard of being a good neighbor! I'm like you - I think kids should be free to roam in neighbors yards but I do make sure I'm around and that the kids act in a way that lets neighbors want them to return.

From what you have described, it's not that she doesn't want YOUR kids to play in her yard, it's that she doesn't want to have to supervise and be responsible for a big group of kids in HER yard. I'll bet she said the same things to the other kids.

I would just talk to her -- and maybe the other moms too -- and ask how everyone feels about the group moving from yard to yard, and how to keep the kids safe.

Are there some behavior problems cropping up? Maybe all the moms should come up with some ground rules for the kids.