OK Mom's - Need Some Advice on Reasonable Expectations of Hubby

I think that if you both work outside the home, then you should equally work inside the home. Some how split up the chores between you guys. Like my hubby does the yard work and I do the cleaning. But he helps me cook and with laundry (well by putting his clothes in the hamper which is a total help).

Could you maybe trade-off weeks for "child responsibility"? maybe when you're on child duty, he's on house duty and vice-versa. Or just sit down and write out all the chores and see if y'all can split them up?

I think it's fair that he does his share since you're both working.

Also, if you need personal time and he isn't willing to "let you go", just get a babysitter and don't feel bad about it. A sane mama is a happy mama!

I'm in the same boat as you. My advise, hire a house-keeper. It's the only way to not fight about the chores. We both pick up and do laundry on a daily basis. And every two weeks a little gardian angel comes to save the day. This has given me time to get my hair done, play bunco w/ the girls once a month and spend more quality time with my husband and son.

You poor thing! You didn't even get the 40 year old when he was younger and still teachable! You might as well just give it up as far as working out any kind of deal with him that he'll pretend to honor.

I've been with my husband for 33 years now. He was 25 when I met him at 20. I lived under a delusion for 15 years about my prince until something happened. The clouds parted and sky opened up and I realized that our perfect communnication was non-existent and had been a figment of my imagination. We're still together, but it isn't a Venus/Mars thing. It's more this galaxy and another one.

50/50 is an unreasonable division of labor. Like marriage, it needs to be 100/100 on both sides especially if you decide to have additional children. The dynamics change with each new addition to the family.

We are the veterans of many skirmishes over the years and my husband who used to throw tantrums about going to the laundramat on Sunday afternoons because he wanted to watch his ball games 30 years ago still pitches fits about doing laundry today even though we have our own water and dryer and we have through the years had various technological wonders that allow you to pause, record, rewind, etc. his beloved ball games. True, I don't hear the old "I never get to watch a ball game and you know how much I love it" like I used to, but occasionally, he'll try to pull that out of his bag of tricks. We have had so many of the same arguments over the same things for so many years that I proposed years ago putting them down on paper and just referring to them by number when one of us wanted to run through that old tire script.

The truce that you make today probably won't work for you a few years down the road. When we had one child, she and I made special time on the weekend when his games were on by going out shopping and to have lunch at our little place. I found that removing myself from the house during his "special time" was the best solution and doing something that I wanted to do. When we had our second child, she was usually taking a nap, so I could leave her home with him or we could go out with her as well. In a few years, they'd be off down the road playing with friends all afternoon, so the dynamic changed again.

My husband is, always has been, and always will be a homebody. Now that he's in his late 50's I've learned that there's actually some pathology behind that. I thought he was just stubborn, selfish, self-centered, insensitive, etc., because he wouldn't plan or follow through on a date night. It turns out instead that he is mentally ill and that he has spent years and years hiding is fears of being outside his comfort zone by refusing to accommodate my wishes. He was actually diagnosed bipolar three years ago. It's like an illiterate trying to hide his inability to read or write. These days he just doesn't have it in him to keep up a front any more.

I know this response isn't what you wanted, but I hope you can see the humor and frustration and years of hard work that I'm trying to convey.

I had expectation and hopes and dreams, but so much of a family and long term relationships is just going with the flow. Over the years, I've learned that my husband and I have temperaments that are somewhere at opposite poles of the specrum, but we can have times when we can meet somewhere in the middle. To be successful over the long run, we've had to give each other space and alone time. I've tried talking and reasoning with him, but after all these yearz, I've finally learned that that strategy works for me, but he doesn't want to talk about anything or agree on anything or have to follow through with anything as a long range plan. I have known couples with more similar temperaments who have been successful at doing just that though.

Over the years, there will be times when your career or your family or your interests become more important in the family than his career, family, or interests, and that 50/50 split in repsonsibility isn't going to work at all. His career or your career will be soaring through the stratosphere while the other partner gets stuck with more of the household chores, which could be just what the domestic partner was wanting or it could be a major source of conflict between you.

As the kids get older, it's not the balance of work between you and your husband any more. It become all about the kids. There comes a time when you both realize(hopefully close to the same time) that there is no him and me or us anymore and that you both miss that. It's time again to bring things back into a better balance for everyone.

I think that the only realistic expectation to have is that things are going to change and that you all are going to have to change with them. There's no use trying to keep a scoreboard or tot sheet to make sure things are equal. They will hopefully be equal over the long run, but when one partner becomes seriously ill and the other has to cover the slack, the issue is not equality in the moment.

When one of you loses a job and the other has to pick up the slack, there will not be an equal division of 50/50 on income producing. That may continue for days, weeks, or years. I never thought when I became unemployed in 1993 (the first year of our marriage that my husband made more than 50% of the household income)that the situation was anything but temporary. Boy, were we mistaken! Man, did I see a side of my husband that I had no idea existed!

The easy measure of dollars in the paycheck or hours spent at the office worked for one of us then, but not for the one that had no paycheck and no office. In the Equal Rights movement for women in the 1970's and 1980's, this point also came to light in the debate over equality and equity. There are tangible measures and rewards like money and job title and material goods, and there are intangible measures and rewards like time spent with a sick child or a dying loved one or like the ability to create a home environment that is nurturing and loving and a sanctuary for everyone who occupies that space.

When my kids were growing up, they became involved in dance, so I became involved in dance. I think the same principle probably exists in team sports though. The group as a whole benefits by the ability of the individual members to excel individually. E pluribus unum. From many, one. It's a matter of balance. Allowing everyone to excel at being themselves so that the group (troupe or team or family) can become more than the sum of its parts.

Over my 33 years with "this man" and my almost 53 years on this earth, I have been beaten and battered and loved and nurtured into the person that I am. Hey, I started out a flexible and open-minded person! I should have had advanced standing in life because of that! Life may work that way for some people, but I suspect that more people just fake it for public consumption.

When everything is blissful, you want it to stay that way forever, but when life is in the crapper, you learn to embrace change even more as a survival mechanism. This, too, will change. There will be times when it doesn't matter how they change but just that they did change so that you had a different "reality" to deal with.

Expect change. Expect sacrifice. Expect selfishness. Expect good times. Expect rough patches in the road. Expect constant give and take. Expect martyrdom and heroics from both of you. Expect each of you to be committed to each other and to your family, and expect each of you all to be willing to do what must be done at any point in time for something bigger than yourself. Expect yourself to rise to any challenge and to make the compromises necessary to keep your soul in good health. Expect your partner to surprise you with hidden parts of himself that you have never suspected (the good bits and the not so good bits). Expect to see bits of yourself that make you proud, make you laugh, and make you embarassed. Expect life to work out for you and in spite of you and because of you.

In my house, we broke out chores based on 3 criteria. First was what we were good at or what makes the most sense given our situation. I'm a better cook so I'm responsible for all food preparation. He's much stronger and more "outdoorsy" so he takes care of all he "hard labor" things that go along with keeping up a household, like yard work, etc. My husband is a big morning person while I am definitely not, so my husband lets me sleep in a little and gets the kids ready in the morning. I work from home so I can take and pick the kids up from school/daycare.

The next criteria was based on what each of us hate. I hate doing dishes so my husband does them. In return, my husband hates dealing with finances so I do everything financial in our household. My husband hates sweeping and mopping so I do that and he does the vacuuming. I hate cleaning the shower and bathtub so he does that while I clean the sinks, counter tops and toilets. We both hate to shop so we usually do that together. :-)

The third criteria was simply the premise that we do things for each other to make each other's lives easier. My husband has a lot of health issues like diabetes, etc., so I make sure he always has all his meds and I make all his doctor appointments and keep track of all his medical stuff. I don't have to do this. My husband doesn't hate doing this stuff. It's just something I can do for him that makes his life easier. He, about a year and a half ago, just out of the blue, started doing everyone's laundry. He had been doing his own since we met, and I would do all the rest of the laundry, but in January of 2008, he all of a sudden just started taking over the washing chores. He did that just out of the kindness of his heart so I wouldn't have to do it anymore. I didn't ask him and never even hinted that he should do it. He just did.

I think what's reasonable is relative based on the dynamic in your own relationship. We have friends who keep all their finances separate and they divide up the bills like they divide up the chores. That totally wouldn't work for us. I made significantly more money up until about 3 years ago and now my husband makes significantly more. I used to work a lot more hours, but now he does. We don't look at chores like they are based on how much you contribute financially or how much or how little you work because that can change at any given time. Yes, if you have more time to contribute to home stuff, then by all means, do more. But we don't believe either spouse should EXPECT it.

Doing things for each other, even things as mundane as chores, is a gift. That's what I think is reasonable. If you and your husband can get on board with that concept, then the break out of chores will be a breeze.

Now, in regards to free time, it kind of goes along with the third criteria of doing for each other. My husband and I take turns taking a nap on Saturday or Sunday. He usually takes his first and then when he gets up, I take mine. It works out great! Once every quarter, I go to my church group's Bunco party and once a month, my husband goes and plays pool with his work buddies before his work association meeting. Things like hair cuts or catching up on work we just work in. I don't really consider those things "selfish" time. Everyone needs hair cuts and work is work. If you're having problems scheduling time alone for those things, then your husband is being very UNreasonable in my opinion.

Again, I know everyone's relationship is different. My husband and I have been together 19 years and we're very laid back. Sometimes chores don't get done on schedule, but we're ok with that. I know that doesn't work for some people though. I hope you are able to find what works for you and your husband.

Blessings,
N.

Dear D.,

Before I answer your question, I would first of all want to say that it is not to offend but to make your get another view of the coin.
First question is this how exactly would you calculate 50/50? In my opinion, it is all about Ying and Yang. What he is not good at or does not like, you do. What you are not good at or do not like doing he does. Which one is done out of love? Sometimes we do something not because we like doing it but because it will make the life of the other person easier.
Example: I have been struggling with my weight for a while. So I spend the time after my work to go to the gym. This means that my husband will pick up my 5 and 7 year old, cook dinner and give them a bath. I take all this time for me. He does not like to clean the living room and therefore I do it. He does not like to run errants and so I do. I do not like shopping for groceries and so he does. I do not like loading the dishwasher and so he does. He does not like washing pots and so I automatically do it.
Do you get the point? You cannot measure. When you start to measure or count what he does and what he is not doing, you take the love and caring out of the whole thing and it because a hill to die on.
With a one year old, it would frankly be better if you worked at home and he went out there to slay the dragons and bring back the bacon. There would be a division of labor and things might be easier on the family. You would have a new found respect for him and he for you. Kido will be happier being home with mom. You would downsize, and keep a tight leash on the finances to make it happen. You will be a happier wife and mom and hubby with be happy to get his babe back. Now you are just pulling yourself in 2 different directions and that is hard.

If you do not choose that option, then instead of stressing about what hubby does not do, I suggest you pay someone to come into the house a few times a week so that you could do the things which you need to do. You might pay a little more but you will have more time for you, you will be happier, hubby will have his babe back and the house will be relaxed.
No easy choices but good luck on what you do.
Check out the book proper care and feeding of marriage by dr laura. It opened my eyes.

I haven't read any of your responses yet, but I wanted to share something with you. I heard this at a marriage conference several years ago and it made me feel better about things like this. Imagine you are a pack mule and all the things you do around the house and to support your family are made up into your load. Your husband also has a load of his own. To make sure things go smoothly, you have to work together. If we are always looking at what the other does in comparison to ourselves we will ALWAYS be feeling like we are carrying a heavier load. We can not give full weight to anyone else's burdens and judge it by our own standards every time. If you always look at your situation and feel like you're putting in more work then you will not be moving forward and giving your all to the household. We naturally try to "even things out" and do less to make sure the other person compensates. When they notice that you're doing less then they will too. Just try to do what needs to be done when you see it and he will notice and do what he can to help. He is probably feeling the same as you do about the work load around the house, but he may feel like he is the one who needs a break instead, you know? It isn't "selfish" to take time and get your hair done every once in awhile, but make sure you suggest he take time sometimes too.

Have you tried talking to him about this? Tell him that in order for you to be a better partner and parent you need to have a little time to yourself too. It's hard to be a mom, we all have to ASK to lay down in the middle of the day on the weekend, or ASK to see if we can go do something for ourselves. It's ridiculous! Ask him to take the lead and choose a few things to do to help out...cook or clean up, bathe or put to bed, pick up clutter or vacuum. Men are like children sometimes, you need to put them in control and let them choose how they want to help. Set your hair appts in advance and tell him that you will need him to watch YOUR child...after all he is his son too and you didn't have him on your own. If you don't ask you'll never get it. Most men won't offer to let you take a nap, etc...! If they do help with the baby or dishes or whatever, it's like they've scaled Mt. Everest without supplemental oxygen so be prepared for him to point out to you what he's done around the house!!! Little do they tend to acknowledge that women do this stuff every day! Good luck!

My husband is not "Mr. Helper", but there are a few tasks he does without even hesitating. Maybe you could ask him if he had to choose a few things to take over which would they be. My husband and I split the cooking duties.

I am very lucky that my husband would rather take care of the kids than anything. So he will totally take over childcare so he doesn't have to grocery shop, clean the bathroom or anything else.

I think it really depends on the MAN what is or isn't reasonable. Our thoughts sometime seem irrelevant. Sad to say. I wish you luck!!!!

Honestly, I think it is different for each relationship. I think it is something you need to sit down and discuss with your husband. Come up with something that is fair for each of you. Let him know that you need some "me" time (I am sure he does as well). Ask him if it would be reasonable to ask for a few hours a week to do those things. If not, ask him what is reasonable. In my relationship, I really don't know percentages. However, my husband has always done is share of house stuff. I do more kids stuff, but it just works out that way. If you sit down and try to do some sort of formula it will never be exact; and you will be disappointed. It is better just to sit down and open the conversation up. If your husband is reasonable, then most likely you will end up making something work. I don't know if this is helpful or not; however, you can't look at other relationships and expect the same exact thing. If you do, then you will be deeply disappointed. However, it is important to communicate with your husband so that the both of you can determine what is best - kind of like a negotation! Bring your needs to the table and have him bring his. Good luck.

50/ 50 is VERY realistic. My hubby does at LEAST 50. Men (daddy's) treat us the way we allow them to. I've seen many time the mother is more contolling and hands on w/the "baby" so the dad steps back and let's her take control. Problem is they KEEP taking steps back. You need to take a whole mom day and leave your son w/his dad ALL day. A few times a month would be great. He may balk at first but I think he'll realize how much fun he has w/the little guy and enjoy it. Remember to let them be even if you don't like the exact way your hubby does things. If he feels judged how he's handling his son he may push it back toward you. Good Luck... and be strong.

You've got some really good advice. Expect that you'll be doing 80% of childcare. You must explicitly tell him what you want him to do, do the laundry, wash dishes, fix the shower, all lawncare (except gardening if that is your thing), etc. My husband is a great guy and does what I ask him to do BUT I HAVE TO TELL (ask) HIM. His position is if I need help I would ask otherwise I've got it all handled. Hiring a babysitter or having a relative at the house to help with the kids when you are out will alleviate alot of headaches. Good for you for taking time for yourself. Good Luck!

I know that it is hard to NOT think about what is equal or fair, but I think we do that mostly because as mothers we feel guilty about a lot of things, including accomplishing "our share" of the work. My husband and I broke down the barriers of what a wife does and what a husband does, and as a team we do what we need to do to get the job done. We have certain things that we enjoy more, or that make more sense for him do (he is stronger than me, for instance, so some of the yard work is easier for him to do), but for the most part, if it needs to get done, whoever is available just does it. Like, for instance, I have been trying to wash a set of dishes we use throughout the day, instead of waiting for the dishwasher to be filled with germs because it took 2 days to fill it up with dishes, and then not wanting to take the effort or the time to put them away when they are clean. ANYWAY - my husband knew I was trying to do this... One night, it was late and I hadn't washed the couple of things that were still in the sink. The kids were in bed and I was on the couch reading a book. HE went into the kitchen and did it for me. I didn't ask, he just wanted to help. But there was no "credit chart" that got off balance, or anything like that. He worked a full day and I stayed home with the kids all day like normal... which can be WAY MORE tiring and challanging than a job you get paid for, as you probably know. Haha!!
I don't know what his prospective is... Does he think you don't need help because you appear to have a handle on it? Is he open to you asking him to do things for you? I don't think it always needs to be 50/50, just work together! As far as taking time for youself... you absolutely need it or you will end up on medication!!! I read a book called "I Was a Really Good Mom Before I Had Kids : Reinventing Modern Motherhood" by Trisha Ashworth. I think about things differenly now, and I try to let go of my feeling of guilt. It has made a world of difference for me!! Now, go make your hair appointment!! Good luck! C.

Hi D.,
I am in a similar situation as you and here is how we handle life. I do the daycare/school drop off and pick up (I have a flexible job) and get dinner ready in the evening. My hunny does the dishes, scrubs bathrooms and helps with bath time. I always handle laundry and dry-cleaning... if either one of us need personal time, we simply ask. I get my hair done about once a month and he helps however he can. Sometimes I need to work at night but I do it after I put the boys to bed and it all works out.

On the weekends, we usually take a soothing nap together when the boys are sleeping... very nice together time!

Good Luck!
E.

My husband works out of the house most of every week and I am a stay at home mom so my situation is different but we breakdown the duties just like every one else does by what works for us. He is responsible for everything outside of the house ie yard, cars, garage, dogs baths. He is also responsible for his laundry because it has to be done all at once each week so it is ready again for the next week. I also ask that he try and pick up after himself which hardly ever happens but when it does it is helpful. As far as our son and my alone time. I usually ask for the majority of one day but like I said he is gone all week so I need one day a week to recoup.
For you I would say that you 2 need to sit down and discuss your expectations of each other and for yourselves and then compromise with each other to get as close to those as possible. I do agree with your comment that 50% will never happen but maybe you could get close to that by having an open-minded discussion with him and I bet you can come up with something. If he is not willing to do a full 50% in one area he may in another or maybe it just boils down to scheduling everything into your days that each of you have to do so everyone is happy.

Communication is the key here.

My hubby works very hard, travels a lot and office time is at home.

He maintains the yard (about 1/2 acre) because no service has done it to our expectations and then they leave fungus on our grass which is spread fromn customer to customer. We've had 3 services and we just bit the bullet and bought the equipment to do it ourselves. It has paid for itself this year especially. We had 12 month contracts to do our lawn for about $200 a month and now it takes a few long sweat equity hours but it is worth it (now).

I maintain the inside of the house except....he helps me greatly if I need something moved, using the carpet cleaner, etc. I am lucky to have a hubby who does put away his dishes, clothing, etc.

We both work from home and share the responsibility.

Really, I think 50% is very reasonable of you to ask. If you're contributing to the household in equal amounts, then he needs to pull his weight! Maybe write our chores on a chart and schedule time for yourself and for him to spend alone. Maybe if he sees it he will be more apt to help? Also, praise keeps my husband motivated, especially if its accompanied by a "reward" of a more romantic nature! Sorry, TMI!

My advice is the same - hire a good housekeeper that will do your laundry and clean. Ours has been with us a long time and even keeps us stocked up on toilet paper, baby supplies, paper towels etc. It does cost but it is so worth it to know that the time I do spend at home is quality time with my daughter and hubby. It also saves A LOT of arguing between my husband and I.

I think the key thing here is to have your selfish time while he is having quality Daddy-kid time. Also, he should have some selfish time too to play golf, watch TV, play video games or whatever he does. I spend half a Saturday playing golf once a month, sometimes twice a month, but not back to back weekends.

my husband has a couple of "inside" chores to do every day, like unloading the dishwasher (i load), & putting laundry up that i wash & fold. then he also has certain duties as far as the kids, like he is in charge of baths, then he also takes care of all the yardwork & any work the cars may need, & household repairs (we keep a list on the fridge). on the weekends he gets one day to sleep in & i get one day to sleep in. on his day he is to get up with the kids & get their breakfast & keep them occupied until i get up. then when it is my day to sleep in he gets some free time in the afternoon (usually a couple of hours) & on his day i get a couple of hours. everything will not always be equal, however you also should not feel resentful because you are working & taking care of most of the load at home, you should feel like partners.

While I understand making comparisons, I don't think its helpful. Every situation is different, and different people's solutions won't necessarily work for you. You do deserve some 'you' time. What I would suggest is figuring out what you need and what you want to make you happy ... then have an honest discussion with your husband about how to achieve that. I think you'll be a lot more successful if you ask for his help in this way, rather than blaming him or making comparisons. Good luck!

While your expectations aren't unreasonable, it might be easier to pay a babysitter to keep the kids at your home while he is there. This way he has help and you don't have to worry about him or you getting resentful. Also a one year old might not be something he is comfortable with yet. Maybe when the baby is older he might feel he can handle it. You can't expect him to be able to handle it because you can, that's not the issue.

Don't' get resentful, it will only create hurt feelings that wasn't meant and then more issue are create. Some man just feel uncomfortable with babies, try not to take it as he doesn't care. He's not going to tell you he can't handle it, so it comes off as not wanting to help.

Also, get rid of this I make this much income, it's not the issue here. It doesn't matter if you worked or didn't work out of your home, stay at home mom's work just as hard and don't get a pay check. Focus on what you have and what he will work on with you. Ask him what he would be willing to do to help. Don't give him ultimatums or tell him You make this much, or you do this and that, It won't help. It will only make him feel like he can't handle the income himself.

It's all in the approach.

Hope this helps.

Love and Light,
Rev. G. Hudson, Reiki Master.

i have dinner with a friend monthly, dinner solo monthly, and girls group night out monthly. so that's a few hours once a week more or less. he gets about the same amount of time to himself, to be fair. it makes us saner people and better parents, not to mention better partners!

D. - I think if you are working full time it's only fair to expect your husband to be an equal partner in the household and childcare responsibilities. Our house is definitely an equal household. Is it even/steven every week - no, some weeks I take on more and others my husband does. We've fallen into the tasks that we both like he likes yard, laundry, etc while I take care of the shopping, cooking, etc. It all works out in the end. My advice is that you two just sit down and talk it out. If you need to make a list of all the to-do's and divide them up, go that way. Good luck, I'm sure you'll find the solution that is best for your family.

Hi D.,
What is a reasonable expectation is really going to depend on your needs but I'll share with you what I have done. I told my fiance (son's father) that I NEED at least 1 weekend day a month for myself. Whether or not I take a whole day varies because it depends on what I want to do (catch a movie, get my nails done, catch up with some friends, go shopping, etc.) Although he agreed to it, I have to admit that I'm the one that doesn't take the me time as much as I should or need to. However, whenever I tell him that I need some me time it's not a big deal because of the agreement we have. In addition to that, I've had to ask him to do things even when I think they should be pretty obvious. I too work FT and have a career so I bring work home in the evenings/weekends. So if I have too much work to do and can't wait until my son goes down for a nap (on the weekends) or go bed (during the week), I'll tell/ask my fiance that I need to work and need him to deal with our son (get him dinner, give him a bath, clean the kitchen, do a load of laundry, etc.) It's worked well for the most part but I'll say the hardest thing for me has been learning to "ask" for help even thought I don't think I should have to. Good luck.

I know how you feel! It's hard work keeping up with your 'working job' and then coming home and having a whole other 24-7 job waiting on you. I have had this same problem with my husband. I do try and cut him some slack because I only work 9:30-2 everyday but still-I'm in charge of getting our 2 kids dressed and off to their locations for the day (school, babysitter...). Then when I go pick them up I come home and begin laundry, cleaning, etc. I get dinner cooking and end up doing the dishes afterwards. I can go on ranting...basically in the past I've done EVERYTHING in regards to the households chores/upkeep. We finally had a big blow out last weekend and I told my husband I'm losing it and can't do it all by myself and that I understand he's working a lot more hours then me but I still need help with just a few things to lighten my load. To satisfy me-I would appreciate the trash being taken out and trash can to/from the curb. Dishes done and kitchen cleaned after I cook a meal. Putting his own clothes in the hamper. We also trade out when school is in session-one parent gives a bath and the other parent puts the kids to bed. That way that's a little break each night for each parent to check emails or read or watch tv. As far as getting out of the house for something...just tell him you'll be back at such and such time and leave :>. Or have him pick up you child at daycare and you go get the stuff done that needs to be done.

Good luck!

I don't think it's fair to establish any criteria here for what is right/wrong. There is no right/wrong answer. The key is for you and your husband to sit down and discuss the root problem and come to an agreement that works for both of you, whatever that looks like. It may be that it works for you to do everything (it sounds like that maybe isn't the truth at least for one of you), but the communication and coming to some sort of common ground is the real answer.

Try approaching it from the perspective that nothing is wrong, and try to avoid blame in any way (for either of you). Good luck and best wishes to you and your family!

Currently, I stay at home, but I did work full time after my oldest was born and I felt quite resentful that my husband did not do half of the work around the house. He did do half the work when it came to our son and he has ever since. He believes a father should and I'm thankful he is like that because I, too, believe both parents should be hands on when it comes to their kids. Our solution was to get a housekeeper every 2 weeks to do floors, bathrooms and the kitchen. This freed up much of our weekend and I didn't have to do all the housework and feel resentful in the process. It cost us $100 a month and it was well worth it. If you can't afford that then I would sit down and make a list of the chores each of you is willing to do and what kind of time frame the work should be completed in. For example, maybe you husband could be responsible for the yard on Sat. and you do the inside. Then you can alternate every other Sunday watching the children so one of you has a couple hours alone every other week. During the winter when yard work isn't necessary, your hubby can take up half the inside work. My husband likes to vaccum and do laundry. It is easier when your husband somewhat enjoys what he's doing. During the week, you should divide every day chores the same way. You cook dinner and clean up and your husband baths and puts the children to bed or something like that. Whatever you decide communication is key.

Men. I never understand why they think they are allowed to be less in a family work environment. Did his mother work? If not, if she was a stay at home mom it will be more likely he feels he doesn't have to help. Marriages stay together and are happier when the husband pitches in.
So saying that...try this if you'd like.

Don't nag, don't bark, don't order but do think of him as a child with chores. He is 40, he's not likely to change.

Stop doing his laundry. Every person over the age of 8 can do their own laundry. When he runs out of clothes, you can show him how to use the washing machine and very kindly let him know to keep things running, he neds to do his own. That will help considerably and you can let him know that you really appreciate him and his efforts.

When you cook, cook enough pasta for three days and put in fridge. Cook enough hamburger, chicken etc for three days and put in fridge. You use the same time to make 3 meals as you would 1. On his night, he can order pizza or cook something on the grill, work this out together. If he is uncooperative, fend for yourself (have a sandwich) and let him fend for himself. No worries, no strain on your relationship. Weekends, think ahead - put a roast in the crock pot, chicken casserole made ahead and pop in oven.

As for the child, I'm right there with you honey with an older husband and younger child. Men figure this out later too like when the child is around six or so when they start being noticed by other active father's that their kid is behind throwing the ball. Sorry, while your son is small, you are the caregiver no matter how much it hurts your heart to feel like a single mom.
~~~~~
Two important tips: Always speak respectfully to each other no matter how much he drives you insane while you are shredded with exhaustion and he is rested in front of the tv and don't forget to be intimate. No matter the battles this heals many woulds in the marriage.

It is so important for each person oto be working and saving right now. he needs to really help keep you moving forward and have the security your job provides. Lots of talking-communicating and if you are able, lots of together prayer. God bless your family, C.

I know you've gotten a lot of responses, but I have a couple of ideas to share in terms of maybe rethinking how all of this works (echoing what some of the other moms have said, as well). Instead of thinking about trading off, or 50-50, you need to BOTH think of yourselves as a team, building your life and your family together. This CLEARLY means full participation from your husband. This also means flexibility on your part as far as what "needs" to be done. Here's an immediate example from my life: I also work full time outside the home, and bring in 50% of the income (DH and I actually have very similar jobs, and the same training). I travel for work 1-2 times/year, and am currently in Chicago for a couple of weeks--meaning DH is single dad to our 2yo. He does all the cooking, dishwashing, housework, childcare, etc while I'm out of town--obviously, since I'm not there. Yesterday he and DD cleaned house together (yes, she's 2, and yes, she does still help--she knows that toys go in the bin, and books go on the shelf! she's also a champion sweeper, if you can forgive some of the dust ending up NEXT TO the garbage can, instead of in it!). But yesterday he also told me a funny story that took me a minute to figure out--he said that he sent DD to go pick out her clothes, and she came back with my underwear! So, of course, I think, what is my underwear doing in her drawer? Or how did she get into my underwear drawer, which is too high for her to reach? The answer, of course, is that DH washed and dried all the laundry, which now lives in the laundry basket on the floor of our room. He and DD, every morning, rummage through to find clean--but wrinkly and unfolded--clothes. I find this hilarious. DH usually does the washing and drying, and I usually do the folding and putting away....obviously, with me away, this is one of the corners that gets cut, but everybody is safe, fed, and clean, just a little wrinkly!

But on a more serious note, I also had tea with my MIL yesterday, and got a new perspective on all this. FIL is a retired pastor, and MIL has always taken care of all the practicalities of life, thinking that she was helping free up FIL to do the Lord's work--so she not only did all the housework and childcare, but has also solely taken care of all of their finances, etc. FIL doesn't know how to check his own email (MIL pulls them up for him to read), work a cell phone, or make his own dinner. They have, one would think, been very blessed to have always had very good health, but MIL is becoming worried--and she and FIL have begun discussing--that he really HAS to learn how to do some of this stuff, in case it becomes necessary. If MIL were to become ill, even just with the flu for a week, FIL literally doesn't know how to get to the grocery store. This discussion--and seeing MIL's worry, and the FIL's, too, since they had a bit of a wake-up call recently when MIL fell and hit her head, and is now fine, but FIL didn't know how to call 911 on the cell--made me realize that DH and I have actually been blessed with some of the health difficulties we have faced. We KNOW that either one of us can step up and take care of our family and our spouse, because it has been necessary. While our struggles have certainly been difficult, it has absolutely brought us closer together, and made us approach our lives as a team who help and support each other in ALL that we do. We have our habits for what one or the other usually does (e.g. he cooks, I do dishes), but we've also each had to step in and do the whole thing ourselves--which not only gives us HUGE respect for single parents, but also makes both of us stronger and more confident in our daily lives. When one needs help--even just 'cuz he/she is looking stressed, or slept badly last night--the other just steps in. Because we know that we're in all of this together.

On a final, and once again more amusing, note, do you remember the old Chris Rock routine about dads who brag about taking care of their kids? He really lights into them because, as he points out, you don't get to BRAG about "helping out" with your kids. They're your kids. It's your JOB to take care of them. He says (and I'll paraphrase here for politeness): you're a grown man. you don't brag about going to the restroom without help. that's just what adults do. same with your kids: when a man takes care of his kids, it's not "babysitting" or "helping out." it's parenting, and it's what adults do.

GL with everything! You'll be in my prayers!