Planning a Bar Mitzvah

Honestly, I would tell your son that he has to have the traditional luncheon, but then as his "bar mitzvah gift" you'll take him and a few of his friends to something super fun and sport themed. He'll probably get a lot of $ as gifts, which traditionally all gets saved. Maybe he gets to spend a hundred or so on whatever kind of festivities he wants.

I know that it's your son's "big day," but really, it's about entering into the Jewish community (as you know, for sure). Therefore, the celebration isn't entirely about what he wants, but about bringing that community together. What's fun for 13 year olds is simply not fun for adults.

If what he really doesn't want is the dancing, skip that part. Have a nice lunch for everyone and that's it. That will free up some money that you can spend doing something fun for him and his friends.

It just seems to me that there are too many cooks in the kitchen. You know what all the moving pieces are (money, competing desires, etc), take it under advisement and make the best decisions that you can. No one is going to be perfectly happy. But trying to make everyone super happy you are making yourself miserable. My vote: have the party where you want to have it, invite the people you think it makes sense to invite, skip taking the money from your MIL, have your son come up with "plan B" that he can do some time NOT the day of his Bar Mitzvah, and pour yourself a drink : )

Good luck.

I totally get what you're saying about not going overboard and being reasonable.

Perhaps you ought to sit down with your son and have a discussion about what a Bar Mitzvah really means. Now, I am not Jewish but I always thought that the event was to celebrate the calling to read the Torah and an event where spiritual maturity was recognized? I'm not quite certain where being able to play basketball at a party falls into this plan...I jest, but I also understand that it is a cultural expectation to have a party for the kid (which in so many cases, it seems, has been blown out of proportion and has become a "keeping up with the Joneses" sort of activity).

Yes, consider his wishes but don't forget that you are ultimately in charge, this ultimately is a religious celebration to recognize his role and responsibility within his religion, and perhaps try to focus on that. (At the same time, though, as someone who teaches on the north shore, I can completely understand how this can put you in quite a pickle when it comes to making decisions about the event)

Good luck and hope everything works out well.

Hi M.! We are going through similiar discussions with Rachel. Her date is Dec. 2013. She does not want a big party either. We are not going to do a really fancy DJ party either. I have explained to her that this is not just your typical B-Day party. If it were up to her we would do an arts and crafts party. We have told her that this is a celebration that her family AND friends and we must all be able to help you celebrate together. Community and togetherness is so important in our religion. I think it is importnant to remember exactly what we are celebrating, don/t forget the "mitzvah" component if this day! You should probably have the luncheon and then have activities that the kids will enjoy as well. We are going to make sure that Rachel's mitzvah project is included in the celebration. I know of a family that had a luncheon and then divided the guests into "teams". Each team was given a bike to assemble and instuctions, and they made this project the main activity. I say you really try to think outside the box. Maybe try to bring in something to the luncheon other than a big DJ. I feel that music, food and being together is a huge part of our culture. We do plan on having a DJ, but not one that comes with dancers and only plans on playing the typilcal games and songs that are played at most Bat Mitzvahs! We are going to some how tie in her mitzvah to the celbration that everyone can enjoy! I want all of her relatives and friends to come together as one to help Rachle celebrate this milestone in her life. It does not have to be a huge fancy party, just something that will celebrate his big day!

I think his idea will change, especially as he sees what other kids do. Bar/Bat Mitzvah's here are like the 7th grade prom. They change so quickly - not at all into girls in 6th grade, then BOOM overnight it's all about girls, and girls want to dance, and a party with a DJ is the best way to do that LOL. Plan a traditional party with a sports theme to it. My kids went to one that was a hockey theme - the centerpieces were mini hockey sticks standing up with pucks and foil-y stuff sticking out, and each table had decals, etc. from a different NHL team. The party favors were sporty too - hockey pucks with the boy's name and date on them and those little nylon string backpacks. Another one that my son went to had a soccer theme, another one was a general sports theme. You can still make it sporty with decorations, favors, and activities while still having a nice luncheon or dinner with music and dancing. I know that they day literally is his day...but it's not all about him. It's about your family and community celebrating this milestone WITH him and you have to plan a celebration that honors the guest of honor but also provides a good time for everyone else. You're spending a lot of time and money on this and at the end of the day, you call the shots. When he's paying for a party, he can have it wherever he wants!

Yikes-I am constantly amazed at how much money is sunk into these and how much competition there is to have the best one. I have recently been to one that was way more lavish than a wedding! I guess not being Jewish I don't understand the importance of it maybe?

If your MIL has the means to help you should absolutely let her. I would suck in my pride and invite her to help pay. This is what many of my Jewish friends do and their parents are happy to help to make it the best day ever. It is better than bankrupting your future or your kid's college fund for a party for a 13 year old.

I would rent the sports complex at night. Have all the sports going on for the kids and stations of food-some for the kids which would be hot dogs and nachos and cotton candy (stadium food) and then seperate stations in a seperate room for the adults(carving station, pasta, salad.) Hopefully you can have a bar in the adult room along with a dj and makeshift dance floor. Your take home gift could be a custom water bottle with your son's name on it. This way everyone will be happy-your son will have sports with all of his friends and the adults will have their traditional party.

Maybe you can hold a party after he Bar Mitzvahs for the family, just an intimate gathering for the immediate family (yeah, I know, that flies in the face of how Jewish families run) and then take your son and three or four of his best friends out to dinner and a movie. After Pesach of course.

Good luck and I hope you survive all of the Matzo.
Since I probably won't comment back on here, even though it's a few days early, Shabbat Shalom, I hope you have a good Shabbos.

Have not read the other responses yet but here is my 2 cents worth!

Do the traditional luncheon, keep it simple and classy. The next day take your son and a LIMITED number of his friends to do something sporty, bowling, polo bumper cars (there's another name for that) or even a day at the waterpark.

These events are turning into "dog and pony shows" and are really losing the true meaning of what it means to have a Bar Mitzvah, not to mention breaking the bank!