Dear K.,
Get help! There are so many places out there that can help you deal with this. Sadly part of having a baby is postpartum depression for some not all. Sadly I was one of the moms of suffered from this and I mean severely. It was horrible. Talking about it even now is a scary thought for me.
I gave birth to a beautiful girl who weighed in at 8lbs. I loved her dearly from the firt minute I saw her. Everything was fine for the first 10 days. One evening while sitting on the couch and relaxing I got to feeling very "funny". I was cold, than hot, my heart was pounding out of my chest. I chalked it up to my hormones going crazy afterall I just gave birth 10 days ago. It only progressed from there. For a period of 3 months I just layed on my couch, had a total loss of apetite, didn't shower, didn't talk to anyone, didn't take care of my daughter or my son, didn't take care of the house, Id cry all the time, Id wonder what is wrong with me. I matter of fact stopped even looking at my daughter,in my mind I blamed it on her. It was all her fault, if I didn't have her I wouldn't be feeling like this. Not only was I severely depressed I was having anxiety/panic attacks. Id lay on that couch all day and dwell on what is wrong with me. I had numerous trips to the emergency room, telling them I could not breathe I felt light headed and dizzy.After a number of tests they would tell me I was fine, they didn't see anything wrong with me. They told me it was anxiety coupled with depression. So I made that trip back to my OBGYN who was USELESS, Id tell him what was going on with me and he out right told me I was having manic episodes. That was the last trip to his office. I then went to my doctors who told me I was suffering from depression and anxiety attacks. He then medicated me. The medication was horrible, I felt worse after taking the pills then I did before. I felt like a complete zomby, I just could not move. He told me to take half of what he perscribed, any medicine that would make you feel like that I should not take.Those pills did not work for me at all, so we decided to take a differnt pill, I took it, It seemed to help level out the wicked mood swings I was having, but it was not helping with the anxiety attacks. Finally after getting sick of feeling like this for a few months I called a counselor. They asked me a few questions over the phone and they had me in the very next morning. I went to that counselor two times a week for six months. Until he finally felt I was ready to try it on my own. To me that was the best therapy I could get for my depression and anxiety. I called them my one hour "B**** sessions". I would go in there and let it all out, he would listen to me and give me tips on how to calm the way I was feeling.
Anyhow sorry for the rambling, I can go on and on about that situation. My tips for dealing with the anxiety/ depression one may suffer after giving birth is not to DWELL, I swear alot on mind over matter. Not that, that will work for everyone but it seemed to help me. My daughter is now nine years old and I still get depressed and feel anxiety every once in a while, but I tell myself it's okay and I will never relapse back to the place I was at. If I get to feeling depressed I get up and motivate myself, I will exercize, clean, leave the house or something. If I get to feeling anzious, I tell myself to take a few deep breaths, relax and think about something else. It seems to work for me.
I hope you have found a way to cope with what you have been through or are going through. Good luck.