Pre-teen Friend Concern

The very same thing happened with my daughter when we moved from Texas and she was 14. She had been at an all girls Catholic school and knew everyone. She had to start going to public school. She cried every day. I contacted a school counselor who put her into some advanced classes that challenged her and put her in with kids that were at her level...that helped. After that it takes some time. Offer to take her and a friend (or friends)to a movie or another outing. If she likes soccer, she can join a team. It takes time, but it will work out.

I've been going through the same thing, only my daughter is shy to boot! All i can suggest is get her involved in things, and try to carpool, just the fact that she is outside playing soccor instead of, for istance staring at the tv, or not doing much of anything, is a good sign, maybe her friends are too boy or looks oriented, and she doesn't have much in common with them anymore, I would plunge her into soccor, that way she can still practice with her bro. and remain close to him..

Hi B.-
I went through the same thing at that age. I moved to Colorado from California and it did take me awhile to make friends. I think that if you are just patient, she will be having tons of friends soon. Especially this day and age with so many options to get a hold of friends. Internet, text messaging, etc.

My children just moved here this year from their father's home where they were both severely abused. In their old school they had trouble making friends because of their emotional problems which sometimes lead to accidents in their pants at school, etc. Here my daughter has made great friends right off the bat, but my son, who is 9 has been having trouble. Like your daughter he seemed to click the first few days, but now plays much of the time alone. One of the things his therapist suggested was to make up my own activities or parties and invite kids from school, our neighborhood, and our church. I'm a single working parent who is also going to school so I understand this is no small request. But consistently kids from school have come over. They always have fun at our house and I think it has really helped with his own social awkwardness. Along with birthday parties, I've hosted a Halloween party and we're thinking of a Spring Fling. I get ideas off the internet. We have also done Christmas caroling or other organized activities.

I think the best thing to do is try and get her involved in some activities. Like soccer. If there's a team she could join this spring maybe, she'd meet some other girls that way. Do you attend a church? That's another good way to meet other kids, Sunday School and youth group. Pick up a copy of Colorado Parent at King Soopers and you'll find all kinds of things lika dance and drama classes where she could meet other kids. A class or a team might be better for making friends because it's a smaller and more intimate setting. My parents moved here a year ago last July and my brother struggled with a lot of the same issues. He's really found some good kids at the church my parents attend. (I'm not trying to push religion, tho! It really is a great place to meet people!) We go to a really fun church with a really involved youth program. It's called The Rock and it's in Littleton, if you're interested. If not, then my suggestion is see if she would like to be on a summer sports team or theater group, whichever she might like better.

Hi B.,

I was wondering if something like the Girl Scouts, gymnastics or a team sport would help her meet other girls and help the bonding process. If you are a member of a church, the youth programs can be pretty active and a lot of fun. I am not a member, but have visited Flatirons Church (Very active young congregation) http://www.flatironschurch.com/ on a few occasions and the youth programs were busy, busy, busy!
I remember those years and you are right, a girl needs her friends at that age.
I'll be thinking of you!
Sincerely, M.

We are going through a similar thing... my daughters are 2, 10 and almost 12, and we moved here in October. Similar situation.

I think you may already be doing all you can do - being aware of the situation and supporting/encouraging your daughter as best you can. And just letting her know you are there, but not pushing her - other than signing her up for activities as others have suggested, what more can you do?

I remember those years too. As a teacher of kids the age of your daughter, I can say that I see daily how difficult it can be for some girls to find their niche when the friend groups are already established. That's great that she gets along so well with her brother... but... If she plays soccer, try to get her into one of the many soccer leagues that seem to play year-round here, and look into any other classes or after-school activities that are group-oriented and organized by adults (*who will focus on making sure no kids are excluded...) Church youth-groups can be good, even if you aren't ordinarily religious, teen youth-groups can be "cool" and not terribly evangelical. Many middle schools have after-school clubs for different interests. Local community theaters are often putting on youth productions. You may have to be a bit pushy at first, telling her that she HAS to pick one or two after school activities to try, at least 5 times each... then butt out unless a crisis occurs, and see what happens. Good luck! -Rebecca

I moved between 11 and 12 years of age. It was hard. Especially on top of that within three mos of the move my little brother died, so all the kids at school had this weird approach to me. Like they were afraid of me. I was taller then a lot of the kids and didn't know where I fit in at first. It took me a while but I found my way. I managed to make friends with all the social groups to some degree, my main friends being in the neighborhood. Some moved onwards to jr high and high school, some didn't. I just found my way and got comfortable with who I was and who I was around.
I have a dear friend I made in sixth grade that is the godmother of my children and we are still very close.
Give it time. You are supportive and letting her know you care but don't force the issue.
Maybe get her in something that enhances her talents, if she draws, dances, gymnastics or organized sports.
Then maybe even offer to throw a small before the end of school year party where she can invite the friends she has made before school is out.
Lives are busy, kids are in activities, parents have busy schedules so maybe it is more about the lives of the families after school and weekends that is causing lack of communication.
If she seems happy, doing good in school, socializing with the family then I bet she is doing just fine. I didn't do much after school or on weekends except hang with neighborhood kids at that age.
Girlfriends are important, you can share some of your stories of your friendships with her so she knows you can relate. Just leave the door open that you care and are there for her if she wants to talk ever.

I grew up in the area, and am fully aware that it can be "cliquey". Even in the adult world. Since it is an active community, maybe trying some extracurricular activities with her may help. Anything from watching local baseball games, ski lessons, ballet, or even joining a team etc. Something repetitive will help her have something in common with other kids.

Either way, don't worry too much about it. For the most part, we all turn out ok.

JW

I feel somewhat of an expert on moving and even for me it's never easy. I'm a social butterfly and need to feel apart of my community no matter where I go. It takes me at least 6 months to start feeling at home in a new environment.

Whatever your daughter's interests are I suggest she be encouraged to join groups and get out where she can find other friends of like interests. Extracurricular activities such as sports are a great way to meet and make friends. I was not good at any particular sport, but I tried many and enjoyed them for the social experience.

My family became closer as we leaned on each other more for company. The transitional period is an opportunity for you to spend one on one girl-time with your daughter. For me, after moving from west coast to east coast I think my dad noticed I was one depressed 14-yr-old. Months after the move, he popped his head in my room to ask if I was interested in visiting a popular local site. I went and it was the first time since the move that I thought I might actually like our new home. I'm trying to say that your influence can be pivotal to the family's experience.

Sometimes it is just a matter of time before everyone in the family finds their niche of friends. Best of luck!

I went through the exact same thing when I was twleve. My parents moved us from Utah to Maine (and now I live in Idaho:) and I didn't understand why. As it turns out, they had very good reason, but that's not important. Allow her to feel angry, I'm sure she does. Also, reassure to her that your family moved here for a reason, and she's a part of that family and therefore she has a reason for being here too. It's okay for her to feel angry, but that anger can hold her back too- like it did me. I fit in better than I thought I did. My help was that I had one really good friend. But that's all I really need...even now as an adult, my husband and I moved to Boise from Utah two years ago and I'm going through the same thing at 25. I don't fit in here. I don't have many friends. I stay at home with my daughter and crazy cat all day. But I have my one friend, and that's enough. Maybe you can be your daughter's one friend? She loves you and eventhough middle schoolers think mom is uncool, on some level, she really want you to reach out to her. Sometimes moms are the only ones who can. She's also stronger than she (or you) thinks she is. Hope this helps :)

Making friends at that age and at school is very difficult. My first thought is to get her involved in several different after school venues. You mentioned soccer - so a soccer team or something athletic. Art - does she like art? That is an awesome way to connect with other kids in a more low key setting than school. A few outside friends will take the pressure off and hopefully give her a few new friends at school.

well the one thing that comes to mind that can help is involve her in activities after school. my daughter who is very sweet, swears she has no friends and that no one likes her at school..........so i feel your pain. ive enrolled her in swimmimng at the Y, and have just finished up with volleyball through the community center. not very expensive either. so it helps give her outside social groups to interact with and potentially meet that one kid she really connects with. hope this helps. K.

Dear B.: I have a daughter who has been going through this
for awhile. Her older brother is very out going and she is
just the opposite. We've found that when she gets involved it
activities she enjoys she tends to be a little more relaxed
and Happy. Believe me that you know as a good Mom that these
years are difficult years as your daughter is beginning to go
through the changes in her life and her moods will very, as my
own daughter does.I just take my daughter out for a day to do
whatever she wants, and she seems to open up better, as Know one Cares How Much You Know(That's us as Parents) until they
Know How Much You Care(That's our children). I know that you
and your Husband want the best for your daughter, but she is
Lucky to have a Brother who enjoys spending time with her. Be
Patient and find things she enjoys and get her involved in those things, but you need to make her feel like she's making
the decisions. It will be helpful now that summer is coming.
Let her have a Pajama Party Sleep Over under the Supervision
of You or a Parent or Gaurdian if You and Your Sweetheart think it may help her to feel more accepted and gain a friend
or two.
Sincerely; C. R. - Sandy, Ut

I think we can all tell that we have been there. Being twelve she is probably still in 6th grade. Plan fun things this summer that will let her know you are there. My own mom was very good at just being there and about 14 I started noticing how well she listened, and the stories I told her never left her presence, by 16 she was my best friend. I struggled making friends, but was acquittance's more with various social groups. One of those everyone says Hi, and will talk to you, but your never invited to the party. Two of my brothers even married girls I went to HS with, they still have parties with their friends, but I'm great to talk to at family functions! My best friend is my husband, and yes girl friends are nice to have and every once in a while during a move a good friend is made. But really I find I'm OK with it being just me. But my younger sister(by six years) is becoming my best friend.

Just be there for her and provide time and places she could talk and one day she will. Good luck

Well I am no expert - but I know when we moved it took my kids over 1 1/2 years to find close friends like they had when they left. And actually it took 3 years to find the friends they have now. It actually helped our family (especially my two kids - boy & girl 2 years apart) to get really close (which isn't a bad thing.) If I were in your shoes, I wouldn't overly worry about it or try to hard to control it. She will develop friends as she needs them - remember that she is a different person from you. You could offer to host a weekend or after school (when you are home) event for her to invite friends to (when she is ready). Help her find an extracurricular activity to join - sports, choir, art, drama - something that she enjoys and she is building relationships with people who enjoy the same thing. We require our kids to be in one sport and one musical activity (it helps them mature into well rounded people).

I would also use this time where she isnt off with friends to focus more on developing a trusting relationship with her where she wants to open up with you more. Also, I do know that a girl's relationship with Dad at this age is esstential! Try mentioning to your husband to spend special "date" time with her each week. It is a crucial age where she will start turning to boys for that closeness and that can lead to trouble. Have fun with her doing things she likes - shopping, kicking the ball around, etc. I think her friendship with you and Dad is even more important - afterall, I would rather my kids come to us for pre-teen/teen questions then friends who lack the same judgement in life. After our move we develop some family activities and habits (skiing, boating, cooking and eating together each night, laughing and being silly, watching movies together, parent/kid date nights) where our kids love to hang with us and want to invite their friends to. It has also opened the door for great discussions
Hope that helps.
R.

B.,

I also have a 12 year old daughter. She is having a hard time fitting in and we have lived our entire lives here in Riverton Wyoming. She doesn't have close friends and the only one person she does hang out with is her cousin and I don't approve of her or her family. I would be more than willing to get these two girls together to become friends. I am a stay at home mom/ full time student and I have four kids ages 12, 10, 5 and 4.

Definately get her into some sort of activities or sports where she can connect with kids who go to her school or live in her neighborhood. That's probably the best thing you can do, and don't give up trying to talk to her at all! This is one of the most important things ever is to keep the lines of communication open. The day your teen stops talking is the day you should start to worry. That's where a lot of parents lose their kids because they're to scared to talk to them or worry about the 'cool' factor.

We also moved from California and are finding the same difficult situation. I have a 16 year old that was on the Varsity Baseball team as a freshman. He didn't even make the sophmore team at Davis. Evedently the coaches are from the junior high and only pick kids they have seen play. When all of them grow up from kindergarten together it is hard to fit it. The only time kids are over is when they are invited we have had some snow parties with sliding on a hill near us and pizza and movies. We try to do something once a month at our home. I wish I had some more comfort for you. Hopefully it will just take more time. You have time on your side because she is 12 she will make friends I'm sure. Wish you the best.
signed missing California!

Hi B.,

We also moved here from Cali 4 years ago (mission viejo area) and I also have a 12 year old (boy). It's hard to get anything out of them at this age. I don't have any words of wisdom but I do know how heartbreaking it is when you feel like your kids are lonely. My daughter seems to go through this often but I think it bothers me more than her. I just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you and also welcome to Colorado.

B.
I am so sorry your daughter is going through this. We moved when I was 13 and it was tough. That is such a hard age anyway. My mom got me involved in after school activities. I started 4-H a church youth group and a couple of clubs in school. That really helped me make friends. Also we joined the Y and I took some classes there. I hope these idea's help.

Sometimes children need to be taught how to find good friends. If the ones she had didn't last, maybe that was trial and error, part of her learning process of learning to how to make friends and keep good ones. Maybe she needs encouragement from you to not sit in the 'rut' that so often happens when trying to make friends and some fail. Maybe you could set up days for her to meet people -- just casually get her together with someone else, and also set an example of getting out there to meet people. You could socialize with the parents and she could socialize with their children her age.

Some girls prefer to play with boys because they are more likely interested in what boys like to do than what girls like to do. I think that's fine. However, if you want, you can try seeing if she would like to join a girl's soccer team. Also going to things like church and other places where she would have a chance to mingle with others her age is another idea you might want to consider. I wouldn't force the issue. I'm sure she a perfectly healthy and happy young lady.

Kuddos to you for noticing and caring. I moved between 4th and 5th grade, again between 7th and 8th and part way through 9th. So I can appreciate how hard it is to move around. My only suggestion would be to provide your daughter with opportunities to do what she loves, if it is dancing, or music or drama, encourage her in those areas and she will find friends who are interested in the same things. It's an akward age--it's hard, kids are friends one day and not the next. Even having lived through it I don't think most of us understand any of it. It might be helpful to ask her what she would be interested in pursuing and what you can do to support her in those dreams. We want to live for them, but we just have to give them tools and watch from the sidelines...my parents God bless them didn't seem to notice if I made friends or not--just left me to myself to figure it out. I survived it made good friends and got through it, I believe as a strong adult. Being there for her is the most important thing you can do. "Uncool" or not. :)

Hi B.,
You are in a tough spot. Middle school kids want to be just like everybody else and stand out as their own person all at the same time. I would encourage you to talk to your daughter. Make sure there are times for you and her to talk without others to over hear you. Kids in middle school can be very harsh with their words. She may have been hurt by someone's words and does not want to be hurt again. She may see the people around her at school and see how mean they are and know that they would not be a true friend. I would encourage her to play a sport or persue an interest or get involved with a church youth group. Often if one can find just one good friend, it makes all the difference in the world.
K. P

When we first moved here we had the same problem for awhile. Have you tried girl scouts, going to a church, sports teams, maybe even a community ed class? If she is interested in clubs or after-school activities that might help.
Another idea is to plan a party - it's Spring break. Maybe a video afternoon at your house, or invite a group to the dollar movie. This might give you an idea if she has no friends, or just not a best buddy, yet.
What part of the valley do you live in? What are your daughter's interests?

THANK YOU for posting this! I have the same issue with my 11 year old girl. We moved from Louisiana last year when she was in 5th grade and it's been so tough. She even had one girl tell her that she couldn't give my daughter her phone number because her exsisting friend didn't like my daughter. I observe a lot of "I can only have one friend" behavior here, which makes it so hard to make friends. Even if one of the friends is responsive, it threatens the other. We have gotten her into skating which she loves, moved her to a smaller, charter school, and try to be as supportive as we can without pressuring her. When I observe my daughter at school functions, kids come up to her to say "hi" and chat, which eases my mind some, but she hasn't made any truly special friends that call her like they did in Louisiana. Worse for me is that we are coming up on her second birthday here at the end of summer and I really thought by now she'd have enough friends for a party.

The only real advice I have is to be there if she wants to talk. It helped me to be able to tell her how I have been left out of things, here, too. Mean girls come in all ages, unfortunately.

My daughter went thru a similar situation when we moved to where we are. I recall lots of nights of worrying and giving advice. at that age, they do need others. I suggest getting her involved (voluntarily or involuntarily) in outside activities. I practically forced mine into drama, but now it is a major passion - she is a junior in hs, and is very active in the outside clubs. She's made so many friends with passions that are similar to hers. The other thing we did was start taking her to church. I wanted her to know that even if there were moments when she felt noone was there, or understood, she wasnt alone! God was always there. i cant even begin to say the differences in her!

Best of luck!

Hi B.

I have the same issues only I have a 12yo boy. We moved from a very small town, in late December, where he had a group of friends that he has known since pre-school. At first, he was excited to be in a bigger town with more to do and more opportunities at school and he even found some friends too, but he soon realized that the new friends were not the the same as the old ones. I understand your feelings because I am having some of that too. One thing that is helping, is that he is involved in recreation sports. If your daughter enjoys soccer, maybe she can join a team that practices after school and this way she can meet some girls that have the same interests. If she is interested in something else, then find a class or event where others her age will be, and encourage her to go. We have done a lot of that, and so far, no tried and true friend have come out of it, but I believe, we need to keep trying. Encourage your daughter to not wait for girls to invite her over but to ask someone she might want to get to know, to go to lunch or the mall one day. She may not really know how to do that. I remember how uncomfortable that was when I was a girl. I have also talked to my son about opening up his heart and allowing more people in to his life. It doesn't mean the old friends are forgotten, it just means that we have an infinite amount of love to give to others.

If you are trying to get her to share her feelings with you, you might try opening up to her about your feelings of the change in your life. I am sure you left friends also. Maybe she will feel more comfortable sharing if she can realize that you really do understand, since you have been there. Look for those moments when she does want to talk and try to be open to her then.

I hope this has been helpful.

K.

B.,

I went through the same things and moved a couple of times. My parents have been seperated since I was two and I grew up with a younger sister. I however, made friends although it was hard for me. Summer activies is a good way but here is another idea. Getting some of the mothers and daugters together for a Marykay party. That way you get to meet the other mothers too and maybe talking about the situation you are in with your daughter. They might be young and thats why you could invite the mothers and the daughers of class. I am an Independant Beuaty Consultant for Marykay. This would be a good way to interact and get to know the other moms.

Good luck. This would be worth a try.

a wonderful way to get friends is to join after school activities. If your child likes sports then join some kind of a sports team. I am sure it will work it self out down the road, but in the mean time look for things for her to do with her time that envolves meeting people with similar interest.

I was a military brat growing up, which means we moved a lot. As I got older, each move got progressively harder socially. By the time kids reach your daughter's age bracket, social cliques are pretty established, and "groups" usually aren't welcome to newcomers. It could be a long, hard, lonely adjustment time before she's let into one of those groups.

It's a great first step that you are aware and reaching out to her. These things take time, unfortunately, and she's likely to have a lot of ups and downs. I would encourage her in her interests, and the things she's good at (sports, arts, clubs, etc.) as these can be a good way to make friends. Also, you may want to consider finding a good therapist for her. DU's school of professional psychology has a sliding scale clinic, if cost is a factor. Then you can feel assured that she has at least one person she's talking to, since she's at the age when talking to mom can be tough.

Finally, I would do what you can to strengthen family bonds. One thing we were taught is that friends come and go, and life circumstances can change, but that you can always count on family. We had a family day once a week when we all went to a movie and made dinner. We would celebrate good report cards and soccer victories together; we had lot's of traditions to mark small events that are big in kids' lives.

Also, for me, especially as a teenager, I had an easier time connecting with my parents and opening up when we spent special time together outside of the normal routine. If my mom tried to get at my feelings while we were running errands in the mini-van or doing my homework, I would clam right up. My parents would each take us kids out for special outings one on one. I'm not sure how often they did this, but I still remember how my dad would take me to a donut shop at midnight, when the warm donuts would come out and going camping annually together. I remember going out for ice cream and on a weekend trip to Portland with my mom. These times made me feel loved and supported and less alone.

I hope some of these ideas work. Good luck!

Hello B., If you like to read, I recommend, "How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen So Kids will Talk," by Faber and Mazlish. The authors also wrote "How to Talk so Teens will Listen and Listen so Teens will Talk." These are both great books that will help you understand and support your daughter. ~T.