Problems with 12 Year Old Running Away

Wow! I did the same thing to my parents. And sad to say, I did it again at 14. Got into alcohol and drugs and my life spiraled out of control. All I can say is God stepped in and intervened for me at 17. It really was a miracle. Now, I'm 29 been married for 12 years, have two kids. I've had the same career for 9 years and live a normal "soccer mom" kinda life that no one would have ever expected.

As for your daughter, she is angry. She may not even know why, I didn't, I just had so much rage inside of me. Don't expect for her to be able to verbalize it she may not know how to or even know why she feels the way she does? Just that she is hurting, angry and at this point in her life, she thinks you and her father are the cause of it. Getting and aunt and cousins involved and on her side make her feel like someone is listening. The bad part is the aunt, the adult in this situation, needs to stay neutral. She should have brought her home when you called and asked for her. It's not her place to keep someone else's child no matter what her opinion it. As for the police, they see this all the time and usually they know how to tell truth from lies. I claimed the same thing, that my dad abused me, but, deep down I knew it was a lie and I had no facts to give to the police to prove it was true. Therefore it went no where. I'm sure the same will go for your situation.

You and your husband really need to be on the same page with her and her discipline. Believe it or not, it may be okay to give her some slack and if she gets into trouble, that may be what she needs as a learning tool. Remember, some of us learn the hard way, lol.She is at an age where she is trying to figure out who she is without her parents.

No matter what anyone says you will worry to death about her and that is normal. No matter what she does there is always forgiveness, I'm living proof of that. Sometimes it's takes a really broken person to realize how good they really had it to begin with.

If you need to talk email me at anytime. ____@____.com . I do wish the best for you and your family!

R.

My dear C....you are not alone. I have a 14 yo girl, single mother and teens years are very hard to deal with. My daughter haven't done that and nothing similar however I am with you and here are some advices:
First of all, not matter who is your family or relative you CAN NOT let no one take actions involving your children with out your consentment unless their lives or wellbeing are on risk.
Second, don't feel guilty now a days with all this economy things,we have to be very carefully don't let situations jepardy our family stability but discussions comes out, just be carefully with your teens at this age they are very susceptibles to feel overwelmed and feel they need to scape!!!
instead of, try to bring your daugther back with a love conversation it might work better than "family law's enforcement". And finally just be aweare of the teens trying to magnify things and insert lies to get things on their ways.
Whatever are your believes, pray God for your childrens that guide you and protect them.

Sincerely,

J.

C.,
You not dealing with a Child anymore your dealing with a little person who growing up quickly. Listen to your daugher and her needs, give her some space. But I highly recommend keeping tabs of who she is with and what she is doing. Her temper tantram could be because she is trying to hide something. Its a balancing act, If you respect them they will respect you. Good Luck!

C.,

This sounds like a culmination of things - she doesn't just one day decide to run away for no reason. There have been things leading up to this. The fact that she says your husband is abusive warrants more digging, but if her behavior has suddenly changed it could be due to drugs, alcohol, depression. She's likely hanging out with the wrong set of peers (even if one is her cousin). You and your sister need to come up with a strategy for handing the both of them. Take her to see a therapists so that she can speak freely with him/her and get some of this anger under control. Whatever you do, get control of this, as right now she is controlling you and this will quickly spiral downward - she's too young to go wayward now. Good luck - as this is never easy!

Sounds like you need some family counseling. There seems to be an issue going on that is a FAMILY issue, not just your daughter's issue.

Get a counselor involved ASAP.

Also, the people she is venting too ... it is great that she can sound off with them...But NOT good for them to choose HER side because they are only hearing her side of things.

She is only 12 and needs balance...not a bunch of people saying "oh yeah you are right, your parents are wrong".

If they are doing that, then you will have MORE problems with her.

Seems like home life is just as stressful to her and she is reacting, quite possibly, the same way you and your H are.

What is her definition of "abusive"? That word is SOOOOO over used today. And no parent is perfect. THere are times that teens will frustrate a parent so much that one will yell. Parents are human.

No privacy?? What privacy does a 12 year old need? HA! Your house, your rules.

You may also look at her friends (could be some bad ones in the mix) or even the possibility of smoking or drinking. (though I think the odds of that are low).

Good luck and be vigilant...you don't want to deal with a 15 year old with those same issues.

Tread carefully...but remember you are the parent.

My mom wasn't "on my back" but there was no such thing as "privacy" ... it was my mom house, my moms rules. She didn't go thru my diary or anything like that but she knew what was going on in my life. My friends and the music I listened too. She was "plugged" in to make sure I was a "young lady".

I know that you have probable gotten a lot of mixed advice on this, but we have a 15 yr. old that we had trouble with at the age of 12 and 13. A lot of people may tell you that this is normal for a teen. However, I have taken a lot of parenting classes and even teach parenting classes myself. Honestly, the best way that you can help your daughter is for you and your huband to have a better marriage. The relationship between a husband and wife determines the amount of security the children will feel. From the womb all the way up to the day they leave home. Whenever me and my husband have a disagreement, we never show it in front of our children. We have our talks after they go to bed and we never yell at each other or slam doors. If we are really angry, one of us calmly goes to the store or some where to calm down until we can calmly talk. This has made ALL the difference in our 15 yr. olds behavior. He is so calm, obedient, and a joy to be around!!(this was not so just two years ago) His behavior was actually the fault of not feeling secure in his own home, the one place that he should feel the safest. If needed, I would even counsel you and your husband to get some marriage counseling, it may be the best thing you've ever done for your children.

Hope this helps, because we have been there, and not because this is any kind of judgement on my part at all.

I also did something similar when I was a little older than your daughter. My parents gave me a wake up call by signing me up to go to a place called House of Hope. It is a place to send troubled teens to live until they turn their life around. I did not want to go. I pleaded with my pastor who intervened on my behalf and the day before I was to go they changed their mind. I had that in the back of my mind though for the next few years of high school. My parents did pull me out of public school and send me to private school. Along with the threat of going to House of Hope, the change in friends worked for me. If private school isn't an option for you maybe you could try homeschooling. It is a good way to stay close to your kids and monitor what friends they go out with.

C.,

Tough situation, but not impossible. Your 12 year old's behavior indicates that things are not right in her life. Which, everyone goes through around her age. However, her behavior is a warning sign to PAY ATTENTION! It's like a big red flag saying, "Turbulance ahead: Proceed with extreme caution!!!" The issues with you and your husband need to be put on hold while you give your daughter your full attention. At this point, you guys will need to stop the fighting and focus your attention. Whatever the financial issues are do not compare to your daughters value and life. If you don't, the road ahead will be very rough terrain. Later on, you and your husband may need to get some budget counseling. Crown.org is a great site for financial help.

Your daughter should be your first concern at this point. The issue with your family members (sister, son, and others) not honoring your wishes for your daughter to come home and butting in where they shouldn't, you can address later on. They don't get to tell you, her parent, whether she will be coming home or not. You are her parent, and they apparently believe that they get to decide above you what is and what will be for her. That is a major lack of respect for you as her mother.

Regardless, the issue is your daughter right now.
You and your husband need to sit down with her and hear her out. Validate her feelings and affirm her. Listen without trying to respond or make excuses. She is twelve and she thinks she is adult enough to move out, so she is adult enough to be give the truth of her behavior being immature and selfish as well. But you must let her pour her heart out before you share your hurt feelings with her. You must apologize for any wrongs that you have done to hurt her. You must ask her forgiveness without saying, "yes, I did this, but it was because....." That will invalidate your apology. Just say, "I can see where that must have hurt you and I am deeply sorry for that, can you find it in your heart to forgive me for that?".

You will need to ask her to be honest with you and tell you what things you can do to be a better mom/dad. And list them on a piece of paper. Then go over them with her and the things that are realistic, agree to make a strong effort to change. Also make a list of the things that she should work on (realistically) and allow her to go over them as well. Make an agreement and everyone signs and dates it. Place it on your wall, where you can all see it and be reminded of your agreement. This is called a family covenant. You can change it and adapt it over time to your needs.

The reason this will help is that your daughter will feel that she is in a safer environment and she and you and your husband will be able to (gently) hold each other accountable by going to the covenant each week and asking each other, "how am I doing?" and "what can I do to improve?"

The lines of communication have got to be opened asap. Another activity to do is, each night, each person has 5 uninterrupted minutes to express feelings about anything that happened that day that might become an issue. All have to listen, without interrupting, or judging. Each one can only share their feelings, not try to de-value the comments of another. This only takes 15-20 minutes a day. All must listen and give their undivided attention.

Pay attention to what your daughter is asking for the most. This is what makes her feel loved and valued. She feels that it is missing from her life. Find out what makes her feel loved and then, do it often. If it is spending time with her or giving her gifts (these can be as inexpensive as giving her a homemade card to say how much you care about her). If it's giving her genuine compliments or acts of service (making her a special meal, etc...) or if it's physical touch (hugs, backrubs, etc...) Find out and do it! She will learn by your example. She will in turn learn to do the same for others. What does she complain about the most? Respect-what does that mean to her? Does she feel that she is not valuable? Privacy-again, what would make her feel that she has privacy? Is it realistic? And trust-does this mean that she feels that she can't trust you and your spouse? Why not? Are there broken promises? Look into how you can validate her feelings. And start with changing your behavior where it needs to be changed. Then, she will follow suit.

You CAN begin right now building your relationship with your daughter into a mutually respectful one.

Next, spend quality time together just having fun with you and your daughter doing things that SHE likes to do. When she is older, she will like to do what you like to do, but for now, you must make a sacrifice and do things on her level.

Lastly, pray, thanking God for your daughter each morning, asking Him to bless her and teach you and her the value of LOVE. L-listen attentively, O-overlook often, V-value highly, and E-encourage regularly.

Take Care and May God Bless You!!!!
T. (Mother of 4-from 20y to 15mos.)
(Christian counseling certified)

If I was you I would get my husband and have a talk with him and I would make it clear that WE are going together to pick her up and when we get her home the home phone would be pulled out of the wall and the TV will be moved into mom and dads room and she is to lose everything out of her room except for her bed and clothes. The computer has to leave.

Everything has to come to a complete STOP!!!!!

I would make sure that it is crystal clear to her that this is to never happen again and that she needs to understand that this family will not tolerate this kind of behavior.
If she is having a problem that she is to talk it out in a family meeting and not to bring others into a family matter.

I would not return the phone or the TV or her things in her room OR THE COMPUTER until all things are resolved.

------------------------------------------------------------

C. remember that you and your husband
are the parents not her and do not listen to others in the family that want to give you advice. Tell those that want to give their advice, that right now you have alot on your mind and that you can not talk about it right now.

You and your husband are completey resposable for all of your children until they are 18 so make sure that you make it clear that she and all of the children in your house are to listen and respect and love each other and act like young adults that want to be listened to and respected and loved in return.

I wish you and your husband the best of luck.
I think that your daughter is testing the water to see what she can get away with. PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN RIGHT NOW before it gets too late.

Please PRAY TO GOD for her because you and your husband do not want her to go down this kind of path.

I have heard a guy on the radio and he has an entire ministry with helping parents with their teens. Check out this website. Www.heartlightministries.org
I hope it helps.

I give you credit for reaching out like that. Not many parents find the courage to talk about it. First of all, I will pray for you and your entire family. It is difficult, I know. (God Bless You!)

It sounds like your daughter may need some serious individual counseling. Then some family counseling. How you go about that, may depend on your insurance, if she's had problems during school hours, etc. (Is DCF involved?)

Tension between family members is nothing new. It begins with blame-games and expectations. That involves each family member. I raised a couple sons without their dad around, so I know. And my sister has a daughter. The tension may only worsen without some outside help. It could be a church pastor, or psychologist. Whoever the party is, they need not to be emotionally involved.

I pray that all turns out well for you and yours! Write me if you need to talk individually. God bless.

Pay attention to when your daughter freaks out. Is it normally when there is tension between you and your husband? Children are sensative to how their parents feel about one another. Also, she is at a very delicate age because she's transitioning from being your little girl into being an individual. Sounds like she needs to communicate with someone and she isn't reacting as if she thinks she can communicate with you. Try talking to her like a friend instead of authoritative and she might respond positively. If you make a bond now and get her talking to you, it'll be a lot easier throughout her teenage years to tell you things. If you don't get this communication issue cleared up, you might be battling this until she is in her 20's. Good luck~

Well, I agree with the other posts, but I do want to add a different voice. I grew up in a home where my parents fought - mostly over money. My mom took out a lot of her stress on me and my brother - mostly by saying NO to simple requests, yelling and making a big deal of the "cleanliness" of the house. She couldn't control my dad, money, or the situaiton, but she could sure control me and my brother.

Let your daughter spend some time away from your home - at her cousins, aunts, grandmother, etc. She is a teen dealing with all kinds of hormones. Sounds like famliy dynamics at home are stressfull, too. What's the harm in letting her have a "break" from the family money issues and fighting?

S.

PS - Be thankful she called your sister. Maybe when your daughter is in school, you should haved a frank discussion with your sister about how your daughter feels you and your husband, siblings are mistreating her. You probably will not agree, but it is your daughter's point of view.