Question for Moms Who Have Had to Work Full-Time

I've "done it all". ((SAHM, WAHM, WM, Student Mom, Travelling Mom.))

Know what Ive noticed?

The KIDS are fine. It's the parents who wreck and freak out in certain "fits" (SAH, W, etc.). And when the parent is miserable (regardless of the situation), the kids are miserable. When the parents are happy (to a degree.... I'm NOT talking selfish-neglect), the kids are happy.

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ETA:

I'm soooo 'saving' FangedBunny's List!! Great tip/trick list. Read it at least 4 times :)

This is not a death sentence for you, for your kids, or for your family.

Kids that age don't have a concrete sense of time, they are happy in the moment.

They will thrive in daycare, and they will thrive with you so long as you keep a happy healthy attitude towards both.

We work full time, had a manny and now DS is in daycare and gets cared for by my parents. Our days are long, and I get to see him for about an hour in the morning and an hour and a half in the evening before he goes to bed.

We make it work by-
1. dropping the guilt. Its not going to make you an effective worker or an effective mom. Its just wasted energy on a thing you can't change for the time being.
2. utilize time savers. crockpot, laundry service, microwave, paper plates, lawn service, shop at home food delivery, whatever you feel is necessary and appropriate to preserve your time.
3. don't overcompensate. be a parent to your kids, but don't be a slave to them just because your time together is short. give them your attention, but its ok to teach them to wait patiently while you take a call, answer a letter etc. that's part of growing up too.
4. make good use of the evenings so your mornings aren't too rushed.
5. get up earlier than everyone else so you can be out the door ready before anyone else is out of bed.
6. promise to reasses the situation in 6 months time, but give your darndest to making this work until then.

good luck to you and yours,
F. B.

PS - ONE MORE TIP -
This one might not go down so well with you given your tight finances, and your reluctance to part from your kids to begin with, but consider sending them to daycare a few days early, or off to grandmas for a day or two. Use that time to shop, cook. prep, clean, get the manicure, press your work clothes, make a few casseroles, put your feet up, take a long bath etc. Going into this transition well rested and well prepared will make this easier on everyone.

To be honest the job and situation sounds like a dream for most moms who work 5 days a week. Being able to see your infant at lunch, working closet to home/work/daycare, positive work enviornment, etc is priceless. Have to look on the positive side that you have been blessed with an oppertunity to help your family and their future. The first couple of weeks will be tougn but once into a routine it is so much easier.

I have worked full time since my 6 year old was 12 weeks; was on maternity leave with my daughter for 12 weeks as well. I have to work also as I am the primary breadwinner - so, it's not an option for me to stay.

Other than what the others have written I want to give you something to think about that another mommy on Mamapedia wrote in one of my posts long ago:

You may feel guilty about working full time but you are doing what's in the best interest of your family. Growing up your kids will see what you had to sacrifice for them......for the family......they will see an independent woman.

best of luck to you!

It sounds like a great job and great that you will be close enough to nurse at lunch time. My son started daycare at 9 weeks old. He has done great. He LOVED preschool and on days he was not going would ask if he could go.

I assume your husband is going to be doing 50% of the work getting the kids ready to go, picking up and dropping off, meals, cleaning etc. If he was not last time, a good part of your stress may have been that with only 2 days a week - it is virtually impossible to do all the home chores AND have quality time with your kids. When both partners share - it is very doable. Does your husband feel that he never has time with the kids and can't be an adequate dad with his current job? I suspect the thought has not crossed his mind. He works full time AND is their dad. You can work full time and be a great mom.

the kids will be fine.. many kids start full time day care at 6 weeks and go every day all year.. form 10 or 11 hours aday. be thankful for the time you were home.. and enjoy the time you have with them evenings weekends and such..

I was a single mom most of my daughter's life, worked full-time, plus went back to school full-time on top of working full-time when she was a toddler. She was in day care fromthe time she was six weeks old and she did fine. I just made sure that when I had time with her, it was all about her. That meant that I learned to get by on less sleep and more coffee but it was worth it.
Being in day care will not scar your child.

Congratulatons! Yes, I've done two 6 month maternity leaves, worked 5 or 6 days per week, worked 4 days a week at the office and one at home and am now working 3.5 days per week.

I agree with what J.B. said about working while children are smaller being easier than when they are in school. I have a 6 year old first grader and a 2 year old. I don't have to deal with before-care, after-care, transportation to and from school, after school activities, or "camp" for summer and days off school for my 2 year old. He knows what to expect and I just pay the same bill every month. So much easier.

That being said, I hear you and when I went from 5-6 days per week to 4 days at the office and one at home it made a huge difference. I could get laundry done, make some personal calls and start dinner earlier when I worked from home and was more productive because I didn't spend two hours a day in the car.

Keep in mind that while your baby is a baby and nursing - this is probably the best situation you can find. Being able to go and spend your lunch hour nursing your baby is awesome - I did that with my second baby. It gave us time to reconnect, was much more efficient than pumping, helped keep up my milk supply and allowed me to return to work ready to work because I was reassured that he was happy.

My husband and I have always alternated drop off and pickup to keep our boys schedule a bit shorter. I go to work early (7:00) and my husband drops the kids off at 8. I am off at 4:00 and pick them up while my husband works until 5:30.

Both kids are fine and it is okay. Spend some time with your kids in the evening and make sure that you are up and ready in the morning before waking them so that your morning time can be about giving them attention.

Try to remember that your paycheck is going to reduce financial stress and will improve your whole family's situation. Hang in there. Honestly, it doesn't matter whether you work, stay at home or work part time - being a mom is hard. I wish we could stop the mommy wars and just admit, you can't have it all and no matter what you chose is hard.

Hugs, C.

You will be fine! Millions of women do this, you are not alone! And trust me, you will find a way to smush in all the quality time with your children after 5 pm and on the weekends that you did before. In fact, you will find you treasure the time more and focus more intently on them in the few hours you have each night. You will not run around doing chores and errands while they are awake. And in a few weeks, you will begin to wonder "What did I do with all my free time before?" I KNOW it sounds crazy.

And just because it's dark now does not mean it will be in 3 months. Find ways to extend your quality time to include your commute time. Ask them about their days, tell them about yours. (my kids loved hearing about my days.) Find some cd's for the car to listen to to practice counting and ABC's. Depending upon your commute, stash a few snacks in the car to help tide the oldest over until dinner is ready.

Which brings me to an imporant point: Do not let yourself get in the habit of getting fast food to 'extend your family time together' once you get home. Time spend scarfing down french fries in the car is better spent talking or singing. Reaquaint yourself with the crock pot! You can have hot and tasty meals to enjoy around a table the moment you walk in the door. (hint: rice and pasta can be cooked in large quantities ahead of time and refrigerated and frozen, taking only a minute to re-heat.)

One final bit of advice: Try instituting a no tv during the week rule. Your time is much better spent playing and reading with your children. The temptation to cuddle up, tired from a long day at work, and watch Teletubbies, is great. But resist! Get out a bag of blocks or coloring books and interact!

Good luck!

Ok, so I know this sucks for you and is not your ideal situation, but how your children do is directly related to your attitude about the situation. They will feel your energy and hear your comments so keep that in mind.

Wow - what a long list of pros! Most people don't have that so I think you should be proud of yourself that you clinched a great job. Also, since it is so close to home - what a great added benefit.

I hear you about working. I do it too - 5 days a week but one day from home. And it's very flexible. So I am very lucky.

But here is my thoughts on daycare 5 days a week for very long hours. Your kids will get used to it very quickly. It will become the norm for them. When it's time for pre-K and Kindergarten, they will enter without any issues. Believe me, this will be huge for you when you get to that point.

I am a big believer in daycare. You will be shocked at how much your 3 year old leans and how quickly. It's amazing. Much better than sitting at home with a nanny or grandma all day (not that there is anything wrong with that, just MHO). It's like an all day play date, too. Lots of friends to be with! They do crafts, read, learn about all sorts of things and go out and play and get fresh air. And for those other kids in there, daycare is the norm, too.

Please don't beat yourself up over this. By going back to work and stabilizing your finances, you are prioritizing your families needs and getting it done. You love your kids, they love you. Sure, weekends will be crazy insane doing everything that needs to get done, you might fold clothes at 10PM, but it will all work out. Your kids will understand how hard you work and will love you for it. Although they don't know it, you are teaching them some pretty important values buy working hard and providing for your family.

Hang in there, it's not the end of the world. And in summer, it's not dark when you get home so that is something to look forward to.

You'll be fine. Take some time, cry if you have to (I did for like 3 weeks) but it becomes routine. Take care and good luck!

Your kids will be fine, it's harder on you than it is on them - but you need to be strong at dropoff, because if you get emotional, then your 3 year old might get worried. If you drop him off with a kiss, a hug, and a "have a great day!", he'll be fine. No lingering with the toddler, drop with a smile and go.

For the 3 month old, build in time to linger if you need to. I used to get to daycare early enough to actually sit in the room and nurse one more time before I went to work. This gave me a great opportunity to see how happy the babies were in the room, and that the providers took really good care of them. Yes, I did cry at dropoff for the first week with both my kids, but I made it through and so will you!

Or, could your husband do dropoff, and you do pickup? Another strategy we used at our house is that we each shifted our hours just a little to shorten the kids' day at daycare. I work 10-6, so I do breakfast and morning dropoff, and my husband works 8-4, so he does pickup and starts dinner. And the kids have a little more time at home.

Good for you for doing what your family needs, even though it's hard!

I'm not the SAHM type so working full time has been fine for me. You'll get a schedule down and figure it out and your kids will be just fine!

Your kids will be fine, as will you. Millions of families make this work and you will too.

Nine hours a day only seems long in the winter months - when the days are longer, you realize that you'll have plenty of time in the evenings for play and family time.

Working with small children is actually MUCH easier than working when your kids are in school - life is much easier on them and you when you can bring them somewhere in the morning and pick them up from the same place at the end of the day and go home. Once you throw school into the mix, you have to consider before school care, school, then after school care. Many school-age kids go to three different programs in a given day, plus evening activities. With little ones, it's only daycare and home - easy, peaceful, predictable.

Keep in mind that after you spend some time on the job and they see what you bring to the company, you may be able to wiggle into a more flexible schedule - maybe you and your husband can stagger your work days so that one does drop off and the other does pick up. I used to drop off at 9 and work from 10-6, my husband would work 8-4 and pick up at 5. Another option may be to work four nine-hour days plus one half day, or work from home half a day or something. They don't just offer that flexibility to anyone who walks in the door, but it can be negotiable over time.

It may help to change your mindset from "I HAVE to" to "I CHOOSE to." It may not feel like much of a choice to you, but plenty of people choose to not bother working and just let themselves live in financial misery or take public assistance even though they really do have other options. Hardly a great life, but it IS an option (my step-daughter's mother was one of those people who would rather have lived a miserable life on welfare than get herself a job, and she was more than capable of working). You are, in fact, CHOOSING to go to work so that you can be financially responsible for your family and live a good life. Sounds like the right choice to me - stop getting down on yourself. You have lots of blessings in your life - focus on the positive, and revel in that fact that you CAN and ARE doing what's right for your family.

Our son started day care when my maternity leave ran out (12 weeks).
He was fine!
My hours were somewhat flexible so I got him to day care when they opened (6:30am), I'd be at work at 7am, I'd be done at 3:30pm and since the supermarket was right across the parking lot to day care I'd get a few things before picking up my son.
You can't help but worry - but he did so well at day care!
He made friends - they were across from a fire department (how they all loved watching all those fire trucks!).
He was there for 3 1/2 years and by then he was potty trained and ready for preschool.
If you are open to it - it can be a very positive experience.

This sounds great the baby will not be away form you for 9 hours a day since you can go nurse him. Maybe that will help you not miss him quite so much. Don't go into this saying that you can't do it or you will miss them too much or you will. Once they adjust they will not know any difference. They will think it normal and you may not find another job that is as great as this one. If you are confident in the daycare you picked that makes all the difference. Take pictures of your kids to put on your desk so when you miss them you can see their picture.

Good luck and God Bless!

My kids have both been attending daycare/preschool since they were 3 months. 8+ hours a day. Millions of families do it this way every day, and it works just fine. Some mommies aren't lucky enough to have 3 months of maternity leave. It's not ideal, but we weren't all lucky enough to get everything we want.

First, just be thankful every day that you have been offered a good job that you will enjoy. Yes there is stress associated with leaving your kids, but to me it would be SO much more stressfull to be constantly struggling financially and possibly lose your houes, etc.

My kids love daycare. They learn so much more than they would if they were home with me, and have so many friends. And you won't have tiny baby for much longer. It will only be a few more months till the baby is really able to start moving and enjoying themselves. And actually the earlier they start going, the earlier they will adjust to being there most of the day.

Your 3 yr old is probably going to have a time of adjustment. Even if it seems h*** o* him - he will be fine! You need to focus on all the positives. Attitude is EVERYTHING. If you start every day making yourself all weepy and sad, it is going to be a long road, and your kids are going to feed off that.

How your children handle this transition will be totally dependent on how YOU handle this transition. If you're calm, positive, loving and supportive they will be much better than if you are anxious and obviously unhappy & missing them.

I was the primary breadwinner for many years and, as such, returned to work when my kids were 6 weeks old. They went to daycare. Can't say as it was my preference, but it was what we had to do. You know what? My kids were fine and so was I. It worked because my husband and I wanted it to -- we each set things up to succeed. Focusing on how it wasn't what we wanted wouldn't help but would surely hurt.

FWIW, the youngest two are both in college. We have a great relationship. They are well-adjusted, happy, confident young women and I'm very, very proud of them.

I think it was Eleanor Roosevelt who said "Whether you think you can or think you can't, you're right." It will work if you believe it will and do whatever it takes (including some positive thinking) to make it work.

Good luck. You've got this, mama.

I had to put my son in daycare when he was 4 months old and it killed me. It really did. I was so worried that he wasn't getting the proper care, enough love, etc. but for financial reasons I had to work. The first few months are the toughest. He's now 3 and a half years old and I'm not going to lie - I still wish I had the financial means to be a stay at home. However, we took the greatest care to find a daycare (and now preschool) that loved him and cared for him and he has thrived! He's one of the happiest, most empathetic little boy ever and I love him to pieces. He doesn't seem to have been harmed by the fact I had to leave him in a daycare at such a young age. And your job sounds really really ideal. The fact that it's so close to both home and daycare is amazing. And that you love the cause. And great pay! It sounds like a keeper. The first few months will be hard but I think you owe it to yourself and your family to try! Stress re: finances aren't good for little ones' environments either! Good luck,

It's a balance, and sometimes it sucks. It seems that you have found what could be a perfect job. Having them in daycare is hard, but you are just a hop skip and jump away. Seeing your child once or twice a day should help relieve some of the anxieties. Once you are established, you may be able to shift your schedule to work 4 10 hr days, or go in early so you can leave early. The relief of the debt stress does make a lot of difference (been there, done that). And I didn't have the option to even see the kids in the middle of the day.

Kids are very adaptable. If you make the time you do spend with them focused on them, it makes a difference. That can includes time in the car, when you're making dinner, and getting ready for bed. There are lots of little moments available to show you care and are interested in their lives.

I would find ways to make the time at home special. Focus on HOME at home and leave work at work. My DD was in daycare at 14 weeks and I know it's hard to leave your baby with someone else. But also remember - you are doing this because they NEED you to. They need parents who can pay the bills because staying home with them is not currently as important as keeping them fed and housed. Maybe down the road you can take the ideal job or freelance or not work at all. But right now you are doing what you need to for your babies, even if part of that means they are in daycare.

Also, for your 3 yr old, consider that they often do more in daycare/preschool than you would at home. He'll have opportunities to make paintings and crafts and play with kids and you'll be able to help him grow toward the day he will be in FT school.

Hang in there. They'll be OK and you'll be OK. It sounds like you can still see your baby daily and you have a great job opportunity. Try to focus on the positives.

We have to do what we have to do for the well being of our families. It was terribly difficult for me with my first baby, but she did fine in daycare and was able to start school early and is one of the top kids in her class even though she is the youngest.

My second baby I have to say I couldn't wait to go back to work. She was a very difficult baby and I needed a break. I have to say though, both of my girls thrived in day care. Both are ahead of their age groups socially and academically. The one down side is the first year or so they are sick A LOT!!! Make sure you have a plan with you and your husband on how to handle sick days if they are in day care.

I was also lucky in the fact that neither one of my girls ever gave me a problem with going to day care. They never clung to me or cried or anything else, they always love to go to school!

I started back to work full-time when my daughter was 12 weeks old. My first daugher had never spent a day in a daycare since my grandmother always kept her which wasn't an option for my youngest. So I too had my doubts about it so I asked a friend to keep my daughter and it was a major disaster. I would pick her up and she would be sobbing and her eyes would be swollen from crying all day. So I enrolled her in daycare and she has done fine. As a mother you will intuitively know when something isn't working for you and your child. I get to go see her on my lunch hour and that helps a lot. I try to spend lots of quality time with her in the afternoons and she is a very happy baby. I don't believe she would be so happy if daycare was a traumatic experience for her. When I drop her off in the mornings she is excited to see the other babies and the daycare workers. As long as you are happy and your baby can see that, she/he will also be happy because they get their cues from you. So hang in there, your baby will adjust to daycare just fine.

That sounds like a good deal to me! I think that you are doing great...just keep at it one day at a time. It'll get easier, and you'll feel better as you watch your babies thrive.

I didn't want mine in daycare, so we got a nanny. You'd be surprised at how affordable it can be. If you decide that what you're doing isn't working, that might be a way to go. My son stays in the comfy environment of his own home and plays outside. We don't have to get him up and going in the mornings, and he's already home when I get there.

the first and very most important thing i can tell you is - you will BE okay and you MUST believe this is NOT the end of the world! you sound very unhappy about this and already dreading it. i get it, you would rather stay home. most of us would. but you know what else? you are taking care of your family. you should be proud of that. it will absolutely not hurt your children to be in childcare. AS LONG AS you make it okay for them. i am positive they are already picking up on your stress, and i bet in the next week you will see it taking a toll on them. you MUST get okay with this. you are a strong, capable woman. thank god that you are able to work a job. thank god that you found this wonderful one. that is SERIOUSLY something to be thankful for. some moms have to go back to work at walmart or mcdonalds to make ends meet. it really is all in your perspective. i know this is not making you happy and i'm really not just trying to tell you to suck it up and get over it - BUT at the same time, it is SO important that you do just that.

the simplest way i can put it: you can make this easier on your children or harder. which will you choose?

My mom ran a daycare my whole childhood until after I was out of high school. The kids loved coming to daycare. They had a great time while my mom was watching them. Most of the kids are full grown adults now and from FB I've noticed even though many of them live in different towns are off to different colleges and career choices, they are all fb friends with each other. My point is....these kids were able to form friendships that have lasted into adulthood.

My kids did not have to be in full blown day care (Grandma watched them mostly) but I was never afraid to put them in it because I had a great feeling that daycare is NOT horrible. Its a great experience for kids to be social and not only that a lot of day cares these day put some educational experience in it too. My girls go to an after school program now and just love it! My youngest wishes it was a latchkey day everyday. They also appreciate the time they get alone to play a lot more now vs. when they only had each other.

I think your first and foremost thing to do is get the guilt out of your head. It will take some time for you all to get adjusted but your kids will be fine in daycare. Good luck to you!

Oh and almost forgot to add...I always tell people its not about the quantity of time you spend with your child but the quality of time. (My dad traveled most my childhood and was out of town a lot....but when I look back I didn't miss out on having a dad because when he was home he was HOME....his focus was on us.)

My kid did just fine. I used an in-home sitter that was recommended by a co-worker. No probs bob. Well everything is still working out. Only change is 13 years later, the sitter died, had to switch my hours to 6am-2pm and the husband has to get my son ready for school in the morning. I now have more time on my hands. I am very much lucky to have a company that is very flexible with my schedule.
You can do this. Your kids have this very much under control. You sound like you have a great job. Give it a chance before you throw in the towel. Remember, its ok if Jack Daniels needs to be your friend some times. Also, to keep myself sane, I have girls night with my friends every friday. Everyone brought kids and snacks. No one cared what the house looked like. We still do this today except we do once a month dinners too and go out on the town every other month. Its something to look forward to.

If you HAVE to get a job, try to look at it this way.....it's temporary.
Do you have a trusted friend that can watch the kids?
If you HAVE to work, take this job while looking for another one w/a better
schedule (less hours).

Maybe look for a good paying part time job.

Any family in the area that could watch your kids so you'd feel more
comfortable/less sad?

It will be okay. The kids will adjust much better & faster than you will.
Your older child will make friends & play.
Your younger child won't miss you that much as he/she is an infant.

Since you HAVE to do this, think of the positives (you'll be close to daycare & can nurse your baby & visit your little one, you'll bring in the $ you need & pay off debt!).
I'll pray you adjust to this job quickly & get a better job quickly!

I know exactly how you feel. I'm torn between thinking I should get a job to save more money for our families future and not being able to let go of the time with our son.
I won't repeat some of the great thoughts listed below. But will add:
You will probably worry more about your 3mth old when he will probably barely notice. Infants are worried about their immediate needs and having someone to forefill them. If you can visit your infant at lunch without your three year old seeing you then that's a bonus for both of you.
Once your 3mth old reaches 12-15mths you will need to be careful about visiting as leaving could be a problem.
Drop your 3yr old off, say good-bye (!) and don't let him see you until it's pick up time. Pre-school teachers have told me the hardest age for kids to start school is 18mths to late 2's. Neither of your kids are in that range.
The school is close that's a huge time saver.
Both kids will be in the same place - nice for them to know as they get older and one drop off and pick up for you.
Consistency of care. great for the kids.
Nannies have many advantages but one big advantage for me is the school has many sets of eyes watching the teachers interact with the kids.

One of the major reasons couples fight and even divorce is money. Money is a source of tension for your family now. Try and look at the big picture; you need the money to save your house/marriage/family unit. This is a necessary sacrifice for the long term benefit of your family. Just think 12mths and then reassess. Don't think this has to be forever.

Finding such a good job is a huge bonus. It's great that you can see the positives the job offers.

Work out a schedule with your husband now. Lock in daily responsibilities and times. My experience with husbands is they will say they will help and they will really mean it when they say it but in a short time most of the work falls back on mom.LOL. Two FT working parents = sharing care of the kids and household chores.
I'm excited for you to start this job. It sounds like a great opportunity. Be the best worker you can so you can ask for flexibility at times when you really need it.

Seems like people find a way to adjust, but honestly if it was me, I'd sell my house at a loss, move to a two bedroom apartment and go down to one car before I left my tiny baby 9 hours a day 5 days a week.

I feel your pain, totally. I was working for my dad, family business, and doing 6 days per week, 12 hour days. on my "day off" i had to do all the paperwork, ordering, payroll, errands, inventory, bank stuff, etc...

My situation was totally different though, it was not this awesome job with this awesome environment that you are describing.

This is terrible, and I don't know if it will help or hurt your decision, but I can tell you that it's really hard for the first few weeks, but then you just get used to it. It sucks, because you don't have the same close bond with your children... but at the same time the torture level does seem to decrease. I can only get used to it temporarily though, and then I'm right back to purging everything from my life that comes between my daughter and me.

So... good luck. You are doing what you have to do for your kids right now, and one day they will appreciate that. You will do the right thing, when the time comes, just like you made the right choice at this time when you needed to. You will know when it's time for a change. Take the job, but keep looking for other alternatives. That's what we all have to do, I think... That's 100% why I'm trying Mary Kay now. I will let you know how it goes, but I can tell you that their DVD made me cry with the whole being a company by women, for women. I am really gullible though... so don't blindly follow my lead. I will let you know if I can get it to make money for me. If you ever decide to be a consultant, please be one on my team (that's how we grow). I mean, what sold me on it was having control over your schedule and being able to spend more time with my daughter. Obviously something sold me, because I am a consultant now, and I'm telling you... that's exactly what it was.