Relationships....Do I Claim More than 50%? - Walkerville,MI

You can't look at marriage like that. There is no such thing as 50/50, you both have to give it 100% all the time for there to be anything worth saving, fighting for, keeping. Maybe he DOES want to change, but alcoholism is a real problem. Why hasn't he sought, or you demanded, he get help for that? I don't think either my husband or myself would deal with the other one being an addict to anything without seeking professional help.

I suggest you go to counseling. If not to give you the strength to leave him, to give you the strength to know you are better than he makes you feel and you deserve better. Don't stop going. You need self-esteem and then you'll be able to make a clear decision.

You know when you know, B.. At least, from my personal experience, I knew I was done when I was done. You don't have to claim any special percentage of the blame... that said, do keep going to counseling, because it will help you discover how you got to where you were and what to do about it.

Personally, I went to counseling with my ex and heard him say that he was there to learn "how to handle (me)". He also complained about lack of intimacy-- it's really impossible to be attracted to someone who behaves an sounds like a selfish teenage boy instead of a man. When I realized that there was no way he could see his own part in it, I was finished. Like I said, you get there when you get there.Honestly, getting divorced sucked, but I'm 15 years out from it and would be horrified if I were still in the relationship. Good luck and get your ducks in a row....

sweetie, don't spend any more time working out the statistics. real relationships are just too complex. my husband 'claims' about 98% of our income production, i claim 100% of the laundry. i can't think of much that's actually 50/50.
nothing would turn me into an asexual lump than being expected to perform my 'wifely duty' daily with a schlub of a partner. guilt is the world's worst aphrodisiac. and degrading you EVER, especially in front of the kids?
no. no. no.
if you're not done at this point, you'll be there soon. and the sooner the better. good for you for going to counseling even if he doesn't care enough to accompany you. use that time well to bolster your self-esteem and determination, and take care of yourself. and your kids. surely you don't want them around that.
khairete
S.

Re-read your post. The answer is in there. You know what to do. You just need permission to do it. You will get that here. Good luck!

A good marriage is not 50/50, it is 100/100. Not about taking blame, but about giving your all. It only works if both people do it, one person can't save a marriage.

Your husband's behavior is so very common. He has already checked out of the marriage but he's deflecting it onto you. He's trying to prod you into giving up so that he can blame the divorce on you. If you hold out long enough, he will eventually be the one to leave and file. IMO, you're better off just letting him think you're the bad guy and putting an end to this misery.

You say yourself that his degrading behaviors happen "daily." Don't yoke yourself to him any further. You are right -- he is setting the worst example; your son will grow up thinking this is how men are supposed to behave and he'll see women as just sexual gratification; your daughter will grow up seeing that sex is how a woman relates to a man and will repeat that behavior.

I have one real concern for you, which is that if you are having sex under theses circumstances -- could you end up pregnant? If you do, it ties you even more to an alcoholic, emotionally abusive man. Not worth it.

Do keep going to counseling on our own! You mention "a couple of appointments" but are you still going? Please do - now. Tell a counselor ALL that you are telling us here, including the fact that you have to perform sexually for your husband even to be civil to you-- Because that's a pretty big deal. And a counselor should be talking to you about how fruitless it is to weigh up who has what "percentage" of blame. You need a counselor to help you get strength to take your kids away from this example and leave.

What you describe is basically a man making you pay for very temporary peace with sex you don't really want to have -- is that right? That's got to end. Yes, it is time to be done.

You always have a right to emotional respect, dignity, and physical respect. You'll know when you've had enough.

Your husband could be an alcoholic or have a pain pill addiction.
If he is? Everything else is just a symptom of that.
And nothing will ever be fixed until he addresses his addiction.

As others have said, marriage is not 50/50 and "scorekeeping" is a crappy way to be with your partner.

For the record - I've always said that marriage is 70/30 on alternating days. That's the "for better or worse" part. Somedays you don't/can't give 100 (or 50) and somedays your partner doesn't/can't. So you pick up the other one's slack.

But that's in a HEALTHY relationship, which it doesn't seem like you have with your husband.

In my opinion you should stay in counseling. By yourself. If you don't dig your current counselor then go find another one. You have some rebuilding to do - not of your marriage.... but of yourself. your self-esteem, self-worth and your life after you create an exit strategy. You need to work through the issues that brought you to (and made it acceptable for you to stay with) a partner that is disrespectful so that you can live the life you deserve.

Also FWIW, if your partner doesn't admit there is a problem "YOU" can't fix it. And if you feel you can you are struggling with some co-dependent issues. what you want to be is "interdependent". This is a phrase I never had heard of until lately - do some research, it's how a family and a relationship should be.

Marriage isn't 50/50. Sometimes things are pretty even but often one person is doing / giving / compromising more it should ebb and flow. Sometimes one person is ill (depression, addiction, medical issues) and the other partner is carrying way more then 50 for a long period. I personally first would try to get him into treatment. If he's unwilling to change and fight the addiction then I'd leave assuming he was a good husband before hand. If he was always abusive then I'd just leave

School is out, take the kids on vacation and go to relatives houses where they'll let you stay a few days. Go to this place then go to that place then to another. Stay gone for at least a couple of weeks. If you have parents let them know you are having problems and he's an alcoholic and you need to get away, can they let you secretly have a gasoline card so you can get away for a couple of weeks to see what you want to do. If you can't afford the gasoline and can't get family help then ask a friend to loan you enough money to do the gasoline part.

My point is that you need to bond with the kids without him. Tell him that you're going on vacation and if he starts packing to go too tell him you're going to take the time to decide where your marriage goes from here. If he wants to be married he can check himself into a rehab program. If he doesn't care and you can leave then go without letting him know this is time for you and the kids to see how it is between you and if you can make a go of it on your own.