Rides and a Rude 13 Year Old DD

This would be a good issue to bring up in therapy. My daughter's therapist (she was in treatment for anxiety for about a year) really helped us work through some of these parent-child issues that come up at around that age.

Stop driving her to places that she has the ability to walk or bike to.

If she throws a tantrum, let her throw it and you walk away from it. And when it's over, the answer is still, "No."

My rule in the car was that the driver selects the music, and while I would consider requests, I was not obligated to listen to music I didn't like while driving. If she didn't like my music, she had an mp3 player and earbuds.

When friends' parents offer to drive her after you have told her to walk or bike, tell them "Thanks but she has her instructions, and she needs to follow them."

Tell her she is a big girl and can get herself where she needs to go. Tell her friends parents what is going on and ask them not to play chauffer for her anymore either.

Work with her WITH the therapist on this.
Write ground rules.
Maybe like:
1. Ask for a ride politely
2. Medium volume for music
3. O. nasty/sarcastic remark? Car gets turned around.
4. Thank you upon exiting car.

When she is rude pull the car over and tell her to get out and walk the rest of the way. If she won't get out...park the car and turn it off grab your purse and get out and walk home.

I did this and my daughter settled down. I parked the car and walked about a mile home. She was so stunned she just sat there and sputtered.

If a person is late because of their own behaviors, you cannot make up time by breaking the law and speeding. "No, I will not speed up. We will get there as fast as legally possible. And do not tell me what to do, or I will turn this car around and you can clean out the garage."

When something is demanded, the answer is ALWAYS - "No"

If a tantrum then follows, it is still "no" and we turn around and go home and child can clean the garage, mow the lawn, or dig a new garden.

If she wants loud music, she needs a pair of headphones.

If she is working with a therapist, make sure you are too.

You should NEVER be treated like this. Do not stand for it. You can walk away until she can "find her regular voice." Or until she can make a "request". But your answer is the final answer.

Mom your child may have an emotional problem, so figure that out with the professional. But in any case, you should NEVER give in to bad behaviors. Set a standard of respect for yourself and hold her to it. do NOT back down. Purchase some soft ear plugs (many pairs) and keep a pair with you at all times. It will not block out all of her screaming, but it will take the edge off. I am sending you strength.

When she asks for a ride tell her the magic word is please. 'Would you please drive me XXXXX' Do this every single time and she'll start doing it without prompting. She treats you rudely because you allow it.

When she's in the car complaining that you need to go faster or she'll be late tell her that maybe she needs to set an alarm so that she can get out of the house with enough time for you to get her to a location.

Its your car so if she is being disrespectful, blasting music, or being annoying you need to tell her to stop or you'll pull the car over. If she doesn't then treat her like she's 3 and pull the car over until she does. Her behavior is distracting and distracted driving is the #1 cause of accidents.

She treats you like this because you allow her to treat you like this. The only way this will change is if you put your foot down and demand better of her.

Oh, A., this is so easy.

The second she is rude in the car, turn the car around and take her back home. If she is rude to you when bringing her home from somewhere, next time make her bike.

Don't drive her somewhere unless she asks politely. If she doesn't ask politely, calmly say, "You didn't ask politely, so not this time."

It's reasonable to drive her if you have time, even if she could bike or walk, and especially if everyone else drives their kids. If she's dealing with very serious emotional issues, then it doesn't hurt to coddle her a bit. AS LONG AS SHE'S POLITE.

You can't worry about what others think. You have to do what's best for your daughter. And it's not good for her to allow her to be a brat, even if she has emotional issues. Stick to your guns -- the second she is rude, turn the car around. And be very calm about it, saying only one sentence. Something like, "I will drive you when you're polite." And then be consistent. It will only take about three times of turning the car around before she stops being a brat.

I also agree with the below poster who mentioned "Parenting With Love and Logic." It's an excellent book that will help you quite a lot. Also, "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk."

As for what I would do to handle this situation? First and foremost, we'd have a family meeting. Identify the issues, discuss solutions, and outline the rules. This is not a lecture or a time to accuse or point fingers, it is a time to set forth expectations and consequences.

I'd make it clear, I am not required to drive her anywhere she can reasonably and safely get to on her own. I'm not a taxi driver. I have things that need to be done and though I love her, the world does not revolve around her. I know she's capable and intelligent and can walk, ride her bike, or catch a bus.

If I am required to drive, I am doing a favor. When someone does us a favor, we are grateful. If she decides to behave in a rude, ungrateful, pushy, or snotty manner, I will turn the car around and go home. I will not drive an ungrateful, rude person anywhere until the following week. New week, new chances.

The car is mine, and the radio is mine. Touch my radio without permission and I'll chalk that up as rudeness and we'll go home as described above.

If she's rude to me and loses ride privileges, she may not call a friend's parents to ask for a ride unless she explains to their parent that the reason she lost her ride privileges is because she was rude to me. At that point, it's up to the other parent to give her a ride, knowing that she was rude. If she refuses to tell the other parent the truth on her own, I will call them and not only tell them myself, but let them know that she cannot have a ride until next week. There will be no making me look bad or pitting other parents against me by telling them a BS sob story. If you're rude, you reap the consequences.

I guarantee, mama, that other parents will be supportive of your involvement in your daughter's character development. You have to be consistent, and she's probably going to hate it, but you simply cannot allow her to treat you poorly or to be rude. She'll figure it out quickly and this problem will be behind you.

Best of luck.

My first thought was wondering why it has to be "anywhere" or nowhere. And why didn't you explain to the father that your daughter wasn't supposed to have a ride.

Then all of a sudden you "mention" emotional problems and that she's in therapy. Why aren't you talking to the therapist about this?

Honestly, I don't get why your daughter calls all the shots. You need to be requiring her to earn time out of the house, TV privileges and any electronic privileges. She should have chores and should be required to talk to you decently. If she starts this stuff in the car , you should turn the car around and take her home.

Go talk to her therapist. Sit in with a therapy session if the therapist thinks it's a good idea, and institute some rules. Your idea to just pull the plug isn't going to teach her anything. You should have never let it get to the point that it is now, and you shouldn't have let that dad drive her anywhere.

You threw the "serious emotional issues" in at the end like an after thought. I can't tell if those issues are a big part of why she is acting like a jerk or if this is typical teen stuff.

If she acts this way in other interactions with you and she is struggling to control her behavior in general then you need to get together and figure out a plan with her therapist. Are you in therapy too? If not, that might help.

If she is acting out as many teens do then the answer is VERY simple. BAD ATTITUDE = NO RIDE. I'd kick my kid out of the car and expect them to walk home if they treated me like that. She not entitled to the ride, she's not even entitled to the privileged of going wherever she's going.

You could be over complicating this whole thing. Parenting teens can be a lot like parenting pre-schoolers. State your expectations, let her know the ramifications of poor behavior and then stick to your guns. To heck with the "other parents".

You have to stop allowing yourself to be a hostage to her behavior. Also, don't worry about what other parents think of you. YOU ARE MOM! And the Mom title does not mean you are at your kids' beck and call.

I would make an appointment with your daughter's therapist and discuss your daughter's behavior. Then ask the therapist for ways to help at home with this hostile behavior. You mention your daughter has emotional issues. I don't know what that means in a clinical sense. So, ask the therapist the angle in which you can approach the out of control behavior at home.

Then, have a sit down chat with your daughter when you are both calm. Explain that you will help her get to school by driving her. If she needs to get to school early and you feel she is manipulating you then tell her you will be calling those teachers to find out if she really needs to get there early.

I have no problem with a kid asking other parents to drive them or pick them up. If they want to be at their own kids' beck and call and mine then so be it. But, I would contact the various parents and let them know our situation and that my child has a bike and is expected to use it.

I would let them know that I will occasionally drive to outings and carpool for fun things but I refuse to drive my kids to things that they can ride their bikes to. So, up front you are letting them know you are aware of the situations and have things under control and why you are not driving her everywhere. They can decide if they want to be manipulated by your daughter.

There is nothing wrong with you telling your daughter you are not her free taxi cab that will drop at moments notice to cart her butt around town especially if she is rude about it.

Our three kids have bikes and haul their butts all over town to the library, to go get ice cream, to swim team, their summer job, community volunteering jobs and other extra curriculars, to school later in the day for practices etc. If they don't want to ride a bike they either walk or coordinate their own ride. I don't mind being in carpools occasionally but not for all their activities.

Where is dad in all of this?? If dad is not around then that may be some of the reason for her anger and deep emotional issues. If dad is around then get him on board to support you and talk to her. Girls sooo desperately need a strong male figure in their life, preferably Dad.

Get her involved in serving others. Serve others together. Communties have tons of service opportunities. Or pick an elderly person in the neighborhood and do kind acts of service. Serving others helps us to think beyond ourselves..and makes us feel good in the process.

Are you finding moments each week to spend fun time together where you are not mommying her..just having fun. This isn't something she has to earn. She simply deserves fun time with you each week to nurture her self confidence and strengthen bonds of love.

Find her a mentor to spend time with her. Often a kid will take the same advice mom is giving but it needs to be coming from someone other than mom.

Put a calendar up in a high traffic spot in the house. Every Sunday or Monday night talk about the upcoming activities for the week and for the month. Have her write down her activities, performances etc. Have her pick a few of them that you will drive to and then ask her which ones she will bike, walk or coordinate a ride to. If she gets rude then you say that she will bike or walk to all of them.

Tell her you will NEVER drive her again if she gets rude with you. Tell her that if the activity is a very short distance away then you will not be driving her. I have pulled the car over to the side of the rode and told my teenage son to get out and walk home or to the activity he was going to and then I drove away. It has happened only once. Then all I have to do is say, "Ummm..do you think you want to continue talking to me this way? I can always pull over and you can walk". That is a quick attitude game changer!!!

As you roll this out, she might explode because you are changing the game she has been playing. You have allowed her to write the rules to the game, manipulate the players in the game and win the game...over and over. You have to decide you have had enough and are not going to lose the game or your daughter in the process. Your daughter may appear like she doesn't want rules or someone to take charge..but she does deep down in her psyche.

She is out of control and needs more boundaries but help her be a part of the decision making process but that YOU are in charge.

I really feel for you. I hope you and your daughter get the help you both so desperately need.

This is something I would bring to the therapist. You are already paying for this help, so bring it to the professional. This will help your daughter hear another voice besides yours (and her own) and her relationship with the therapist may help keep her accountable.

If you choose not to go that route, then I would suggest some hard consequences. She gives you grief when you are doing her a favor? Then no, no more rides. Or she does chores to earn future rides. What are you NOT doing to give her a ride? The dishes? Start making her trade: I'll give you a ride this afternoon, and you will do the dishes after dinner. No further rides until the chore requested is completed. If she whines and gripes and is rude, no ride.

Or you could give her one warning and then, when she gets rude, stop the car, get out and lock it up. Make her get out. You walk home, she walks to where ever she needs to. That might be a big wake up call. You are so worried that other people will think poorly of you that you are letting your daughter think poorly of you by running roughshod over you. You could call her bluff and explain to her that any time she asks another adult for a ride, she is not allowed to go, period. She'll be embarrassed to be called out in front of friends and other parents, but so what? She's the one breaking the rules. But so long as she thinks you will kow-tow to her poor behavior to save her from embarrassment, she will continue this. Stand up for yourself. Get help from the therapist on this.

It's called Tough Love. You sit her down for a conversation and you lead it with a strong tone and eye contact like you are not messing around. You tell her there are going to be some changes and they are starting right now. First of all, you will no longer be driving her anywhere until she can be respectful to you. She is also not to have another parent come and get you unless she asks you first and you say it's ok. If she goes behind your back and does this, YOU will answer the door and explain to the other parent that she is not allowed to be picked up and that you are no longer driving her because she has been rude and disrespectful and until that changes she will need to walk or ride her bike until she can appreciate things more and not take it for granted. I'm sure the other parent will understand this and it will not reflect badly on you. And if she has a problem with that then I would tell her she doesn't need to be worried about walking or riding her bike because she will be grounded for a month or more and will be doing NOTHING. I would also take her phone/tablet.

Whatever her personal issues or hard times are does not have anything to do with her treating you badly and it must stop. You have allowed this because you feel bad for whatever she is going through but it is backfiring and now she's turned into a spoiled brat with personal problems. So you must turn it around and the only way to do it is to be very firm with her. Don't be afraid she will do something to hurt herself. You tell her you love her and would do anything for her but she is not to be treating you like that and until she stops, you won't be doing anything nice or extra for her.

I went through this with my son who will be 13. I have a daughter who is 15 and when I told my family I was pregnant again, they all said, well, it better NOT be a boy. I come from 8 generations of all girls. Well, guess what? I got the boy and they all treated my daughter better than him so I was *nicer* to him trying to make up for it. Well, that backfired of course and I had to show some tough love to him to get him back on track and it's still hard because they still treat them differently. But that has NOTHING to do with how he treats me or others.

I hope you get it figured out because it will NOT get better on it's own. Good luck.

maybe im a bit more hard nosed-but in my world children do not disrespect any elders mainly their parents-time to buck it up momma ntell her no more rides with such foul behavior-your really the one at fault here for letting it happen a 2nd time.kids need boundaries-without them their lost.what worked for my kids(now in 30,s) i simply ignored them-your the parent-set ground rules-even with her issues-she knows better-the lack of respect is terrible.my kids acted like that-alls they saw was their 4 walls-set up those boundaries momma...

Lots of good advice here. Just want to add that often when a child has had a difficult life situation (ugly divorce, absent father), as perhaps your daughter has, its common for a parent, or grandparents to be overly permissive and accommodating because they feel bad about the childs' life circumstance. But this often does the child a great deal of harm. Often in these situations, no on says no to them, sets appropriate boundaries, or holds them accountable because they don't want to make them feel bad or suffer more than they all ready do. Perhaps you've done some of that?

What is clear is that you have not set a boundary. Your daughter believes she can get away with disrespect because you have allowed her to disrespect you. I don't have good tactical advice for you, but the principle is the same no matter the age. Set a boundary (lay out a new set of rules and expectations), give one warning if they start to break new set of expectations, if kid continues, follow through with said consequence. i.e. turn car around and make her stay home for optional activities when she gets disrespectful.
Just know that it will take a few time of you actually following through on threats for her to realize you mean business. Embrace those few times she really misses out because of crossing the boundary you set. Because she is learning that you really do have boundaries. She will respect you for it. She also needs it. It will help her feel loved and safe when you take the tougher parenting road.

Before I got to the part where your daughter has some serious emotional issues, I just thought tough love. You know, consequences for her disrespectful behavior (in short, stop driving her any where).

I know that impacts other families if they have to come get her (I don't like that either).

I agree though with the moms below saying talk to therapist about this. This is probably one of many issues that should be approached together and the therapist can help you with this.

I do think kids (especially troubled ones) like boundaries and limits. When I became a pretty bad teenager, I was glad my mom got strict. I think a lot of moms cave - but I needed those limits because I felt a bit out of control (emotionally). All those hormones and stuff, I liked that my mom was not a doormat. I felt like "thank God at least somehow is in control here". It was comforting although I'm sure I still rebelled a bit.

Good luck :)

Well it sounds like you are already seeking professional help for her, but you need to find a release for yourself. I must agree with throwing in the towel when she runs her mouth. There is nothing wrong with going for a walk or letting her know you won't be taking her somewhere. I would be very up front and let her know (calmly), you ran your mouth this morning and now I need a break. She can stay home or figure it out. Just because she is your child doesn't mean you owe her everything she asks of you.

My daughter wanted to go to Knotts Berry Farm the other day. I already said no, but she asked her dad in front of me and he said, "Ya, maybe". I looked him right in the eyes and told him it was okay to be honest with her and now would be a good time to start. He said no, we're not going and she said okay. She heard me say no the first time. Anyway, it is okay to tell your daughter no if she doesn't deserve it, in fact, it is the best thing to do.

Please please find a place teaching love and logic parenting classes. This is a perfect example of one of their points.

You have other plans and can't give her a ride right now. Find another ride or ride your bike or walk. Sorry, I didn't hear you over the music, sorry, I have someplace to be. See you later.

If she has to be at school early for school work then she must not have done it on time and if it's not done that day it's late??? So she needs to learn the consequences of not doing her work on time.

Have you thought about getting a job? If she is home alone in the morning and gets herself off to school then perhaps she'll have no one else to blame except herself if she's late?

If you are busy elsewhere she will have to figure this out for herself. Stop being her doormat and taxi driver.

She will love a confident assertive mom the same, if not better, than one she can walk all over.

Read "love and logic".

A thirteen year old girl in my daughter's class was shot and killed this weekend. Someone shot her and her sister through their kitchen window. Just to have a little perspective.

I think I have a few ideas, because I've been through similar issues with my daughter, but maybe not to the degree that you are dealing with. My daughter is working on time management, let's put it that way. So, what I have done is talk to her the day before about her plans and ask when she needs to be where. Then we break down in time blocks how much time she will need to get ready and what time we will need to leave if we are driving. That gives her a start time to get herself ready. The day of the event, I let her know it's time for her to start getting ready. Since it usually takes 15-30 min for her to actually jump up, I make sure we allow for that in our planning.

This planning ahead has really helped, since in her mind she forgets to factor in driving time and getting ready time. I was the same way at her age. I'm fairly empathetic about it, but it does drive me crazy since she usually gets anxious when stress gets high at the last second. I also try not to feed into it. I'm not very good about that when it comes to being late for school, but I try to let it go and let her live with the consequences of being late rather than get in an argument about her needing to rush.

Oh, and if it's a family function, I always allow plenty of additional prep time for her to get in the car...at least 30 min.

I would also let her know that she needs to have a positive, polite attitude for each ride. That you understand that she's lashing out and frustrated, since she is running late, but it is no excuse going forward. You would be happy to drive her to a few things a week, but you aren't available for everything and you will need notice up front that she needs a ride. I think planning for the week and then discussing plans each evening might help with that. If she has a nasty attitude, you will not be driving her until she apologizes and gets herself in control.

It might take a while for her to break the bad habits, try to be positive with her and only praise the good behavior rather than getting upset at the bad. I have seen a huge turn around in my daughter when we do all of these things. I don't think my daughter was born with the same innate organizational skills that some kids are born with, so I also try to think of it that way. I have to TEACH them to her in steps, rather than yell when she doesn't get it right.

When you have a younger sibling who jumps out of bed and is ready in 10 min. and knows exactly what time he needs to leave the house and then reminds you so you don't forget...you can see that kids are definitely wired differently and a little extra help for those who need it is the best way to think of this kind of situation.

Strip her of everything but those things that are absolutely needed. Take everything out of her room except for a mattress. Feed her but only what everyone else is eating. Make sure she gets to school and back but nowhere else.

Buy some good ear plugs because I'm sure she'll be plenty vocal.

She'll come around.

I would bring it up in therapy because you are being reasonable re: things like the bike and should not be in fear of your kid, nor should you be set up to be the bad guy when you won't give her a ride. Getting the other parent to come get your kid is undermining you in your home. You might need to tell them, "I appreciate your willingness to pick up DD, but just so you know I had asked her to bike over because I want her to be more independent. I don't want you to think I'm neglectful." Or whatever. If she doesn't want to be called out, she shouldn't do it. If my DD continually presented herself as a poor unfortunate soul, I'd consider telling her that the answer will always be no, you can't go at all because that's rude and dishonest and disrespectful. Again - something to discuss in therapy.

I would also talk to her at a time when you are not getting ready somewhere. You don't have to take her stress. I get stressed when I am late. I hate being late, and I start to get snappy at the family members who are dawdling. It bothers my DH a lot. We've come to an agreement that I will try very hard to keep my cool, but DH has also learned to stop doing "one more thing" and asks "what can I do to help?" I can be stressed, but I cannot take it out on my family. I tell my 6 yr old she is entitled to big feelings. Everyone has big feelings. But that doesn't give her the right to spew her big feelings all over everyone else. I agree with someone below that if she's getting angry because she didn't get ready on time and now you're running late, I would pull over and say very firmly that you are going to get there when you get there and if she continues this behavior, you will simply turn around and she won't get there at all. If she wants to be on time, she will make it a point to be on time and speeding is not an option. If you get pulled over, the cop is not going to care that she's late. Talk about a time waster. So she needs to keep her comments to herself. My mother DID turn the car around, and made her point.

If you think she is lying to you about the project, etc. I'd start looking at things on edline or whatever electronic thing your school provides, or asking the teachers for project dates. If she's being honest, that is one thing. If she is not being honest, then you address that instead. Is it laziness or is there something else, like riding the bus is "uncool". I grew up where the bus was uncool after you were 16 but I had no choice. I also had bullies on the bus. Find out which it is. We told my sks that we'd take them in for legit reasons but anything else was a cab fare. We charged them $10 for missing the bus because their error cost us in time and money. Maybe that's the thing she needs - to look outside herself. Maybe she needs to volunteer somewhere to see that she doesn't have it so bad. Work with little kids. Volunteer at a nursing home. Etc. It sounds like the whole neighborhood is a bit spoiled.

There were many days my SD was not in a good mood after school. As long as she got into the car and didn't make it my problem, she could ride in silence. But she did NOT get to be rude, mess with the radio, or otherwise distract me from driving. I also told her that if she wasn't where she was supposed to be, I wasn't wasting my whole afternoon waiting. She has a cell phone. She could tell me if things changed. I made her wait more than once because it was inconvenient to me and she hadn't given me a head's up.

And as for getting ready on time? My SS is horrible. We've left him home. And when he was able to drive and didn't want to he learned we are not a taxi service. There's the bus route. Get yourself where you need to go or be held to our timeframe. He learned to drive eventually because we quit.