Seeking Advice and Support from All Moms

All the gay men I know knew they were gay by 15, usually much younger. Who one is attracted to sexually is not likely to be a phase, it is just how that person was born. Let him know that you will love and support him no matter who he loves in life. That you accept him just as he is.

If he liked girls this wouldn't be considered a "phase." He KNOWS what he likes and it's boys. I REALLY can't BLAME him. :)

The fact that he has close girl friends speaks volumes.

The faster you accept it the easier his life is going to be. Hiding isn't going to make it go away. My grandparents ignored my aunt and her girlfriends and she opted to move across country instead so she could live her life the way she wanted to. That still bothers me that they were so closed minded about her lifestyle.

I'm sorry - this is probably very shocking to you. Not sure it's just a "phase".

I have to tell you, all the gay guys I know (a bunch) are WONDERFUL people, very successful, caring, in solid relationships and very close to their families, often more so than straight guys. Quite a few have gone on to have kids through surrogates and are excellent fathers, including a couple in my son's school. In this day and age, when homosexuality is not as ostracized as it once was, it's not some kind of life sentence to be gay.

You might want to seek some help on how best to deal with this news going forward. Another poster mentioned some resources - I would seek them out.

All the best to you and your son.

I think the responses here have been wonderful.

At 15 he knows what he is feeling, and what he has been feeling for, no doubt, quite a while.

Love him, support him -- this is who he is . Seeking counseling to help you both navigate your way through this would probably be a very good option for you and your son.

All the best to you.

Well, dear, take a few moments to calm down and absorb what you read.
I have a son who is 16 and I have to admit that I would be upset if he told me he liked boys. It's not because of prejudice on my part. I'm a mom. My first thought would be if he could be accepted and safe and loved for the decent human being he is above all else.

I'm not going to get into a gay debate with people.
I don't know if your son is confused or not, but I have a lot of experience with gay people. Both males and females. I can't believe a person would "choose" something that would be seen as a sin or a perversion just for the heck of it.
I am telling you the honest truth that some of the kindest, most decent and upstanding citizens I know are gay. They are loved and accepted by their families.
One of my best friend's son is gay. She said she knew from the time he was about 8 years old. She suspected, hoped not just because it's not an easy life, but she pretty much knew. For the record, her son is gorgeous and could get any girl he wanted if he wanted one. He is extremely talented and lives in New York and is involved in Broadway shows, actors/actresses, etc. He has a fabulous job and lives in a gorgeous apartment in Manhatten. He's not living a life of suffering by any means.
She has two choices.
Shun him for his sexuality or continue to love him because no matter what, even though he's in his 30's, he is still her baby. He doesn't have a criminal record, lives in a tony Manhattan apartment. He's had the same partner for 7 years.
Your son is 15. He could be confused. But, there's a chance that he isn't.
I think that the best thing is for him to be able to talk to you about it because he needs to have that communication even if you don't want to hear it.
There are too many men who fight it and get married and join the army and do all this manly stuff including having children trying to prove to themselves and everyone else that they aren't gay.
At that point, when it comes out, there are more people affected.

I'm going to be dead honest. I wouldn't want my son to be gay and it's not a judgement of him. I'd be afraid of the judgement of others. Not afraid of them judging me, but you have to know there are some people who cannot see beauty in any form other than what they believe to be beautiful. That part makes me sad. I know some of the best and most wonderful, honest and trustworthy people who happen to be interested romantically with people of their same sex.

I just think if it was my own son. He is the dearest joy of my life. He and I almost didn't make it through my very critical pregnancy. We both made it and we are so close because of it. Unless he was a criminal of some kind or set out to harm others, I can't see any reason not to love him for the wonderful person that he's becoming. My son sticks up for kids at school who are picked on, he's on a path to a career in law enforcement. He's never had a girlfriend because too many of the girls he goes to school with get pregnant at early ages. I talk to him about sex. He can say or ask me anything.
You want to make sure that your son can come to you as well. And know that you will love him no matter what.

If he truly is gay, then you need to allow yourself to mourn the traditional ideas you've had in your head about things, but you can still love him.
Some great examples of this acceptance are the movies Philadelphia with Tom Hanks and The Family Stone with Diane Keaton.
Their kids are loved and vehemently protected by their parents.

My advice is to love him no matter what. I say that because that's the only thing I would know to do.
Nothing can stand between my love for my son.
That's all I know.
He's a decent human being. That's what I raised him to be.
No hate mail, please. But I just don't think that certain things are a "choice".

Love your son first.
That's a given.
Work out the rest as it unfolds. Regardless of what it is.

He will always need his mother's love.

Best wishes.

I honestly believe that a child can know at that age. At this point all you can do is just be there for him. He'll open up to you when he feels comfortable enough to do so. Support him and love him. I agree with not judging him. No matter what he'll be your lil boy.

Yes, he can know this at 15. Do you remember your first *real* crush? How old were you? I was probably 13.

If it were my son, I would go up to him and say, "I stumbled upon your chat and though it surprises me that you feel that way, I still love you no matter what and support you. Is there anything I can help you with right now?"

You do not have to support or understand this, or even 'agree' with it... but you do need to support him and love him no matter what as your child.

I would definitely have the talk with him about dating, what expectations you have, rules for dating (for instance for me, no single dating till 18 and such)

Things he will face, bullying, opposition, to be pushed to do things he isn't ready for, perhaps sexual predators on coming out type websites, being shy or secretive, wanting to come out, not wanting to come out, confusion... or the opposite him being over the top and showy...

It would be a great idea to help him cope with any transitions with a counselor.

Some sites that offer more advice:

http://www.wahm.com/articles/parents-of-gay-children-how-...

http://www.familyacceptance.org/home.html

http://www.aarp.org/relationships/family/info-03-2011/sup...

At 15, no. He knows. He's known for a long time.

I don't know what your views are but its time to get very clear with how you feel about gay relationships. And whatever your feeling, that is okay: confusion, anger, loss, denial, all of it, its okay that you feel that way.

As for what to do... love him. You live in LA so there are so many resources. You can talk to the local LBGT Center near you and there are extremely compassionate people to talk to with how you're feeling... without judgment.

G.,

Hang in there! Take a deep breath and remember until your son comes to you and tells you, don't confront him. Contact PFLAG and ask them for help. They can help you with more information and how to help your son figure out if he is gay/transgender etc. Support your son and tell him you love him. If he comes to you and wants to talk---listen with an open heart and be very loving with him-try not to judge. Best wishes and hang in there!

M

I think that each person came to earth with their own trials and tribulations that they have to work through. I think God does not make mistakes so I have to believe that people who are not attracted to the "correct" gender person is not a mistake but perhaps this is something they have to work through and accept. They have to visit with God when this life is over and it is not my place to judge them or put them down.

I have had 2 gay guys as roommates and they were some of my best friends. They tried so hard to be "normal" so they would not have to live through persecution and prejudice. They still wanted to have happy homes, children, a caring committed spouse, a happy life. They are both in loving committed relationships and have been for years. I love them as much as any other friends.

I hope that once you are over your shock you are able to look in your heart and still have room for your son and for his lifestyle. And yes, sometimes it's evident when they are even younger.

Take a minute to breath...........ok now like I told my daughter its her choice I will always love her and support her but she needed to give me time to accept it. For 20 odd years I thought of her in one way so now I just need time to adjust my way of thinking. She was fine with it. She ask how much I wanted to know about her relationship with her girlfriend and I told her I wanted her to always know she can talk to me. My daughter says she is bi which I believe is easier for girls so it is crazy when one minute she is talking about her girlfriend and the next minute shes pointing out some hot guy. Is it a phase? I really don't know and in the end it doesn't matter. She's a great young women and loving and caring for another person only makes her more wonderful.
Be there for your son. He may need your support more then anything right now. My brother struggled with it for years because he was brought up in a home that being gay was just not accepted. When he did come out my father lost it and my mother kept blaming herself. After seeing my brother struggle like he did I do believe it is how he was born. My brother and his partner just had their union ceremony. It was the most moving ceremony I have ever been to. When they read their vows I am sure their was not a dry eye in the house. To see two people love each other like they do does not happen often.
Give yourself time but remember in the end he is still your mature, straight A, son who you love no matter what.

Whether your son is confused (possible) or has accepted a challenging truth about himself (also possible), he needs to know that you love the whole human being that he is. You're his mother, his nurturer, his rock. He's not choosing his orientation to hurt you. If he could unchoose it, he probably would.

You're shocked right now, because you didn't guess this was possible. But your son is still the same person you cherished a week ago. He's probably been struggling for a long time to come to terms with being gay. Very likely, he has fought it for a long time. It's probably been torture for him wondering how much to tell you, and when. Wondering whether you could bear the truth. Wondering whether he could trust your love to survive the news.

Give yourself some time to process this, G.. If you're still reeling when you talk to him, just admit that to him. That doesn't make you wrong. And being gay doesn't make him wrong, any more than having blue eyes would make him wrong.

Every boy needs his mother's love. If his dad is in his life, his father's love is important too. Revealing more to you of who he is will require an act of great courage and hope on his part, even if he's cornered into it. I hope you will find the courage and hope within yourself to take some deep breaths, and look around together for your next step. Don't burn any bridges; you will regret it later.

Your son may not even be sexually active yet, but still realize that he's attracted to males and not females, just like most young girls realize they're attracted to young men and not other girls, long before they begin having sex. So please don't assume he's been engaging in sex behind your back. Get facts first. When you talk to your son, whether tomorrow or two years from now, listen carefully to what he has to say. Keep remembering that you love him. That's the best possible help you can ever give him.

For what it's worth, there are a number of gays and lesbians in my religious community. They are not one-dimensional cutouts. They are fine, ethical, and fully human beings, and some are raising fine, happy, admirable families. I am proud to count them among my friends. And I doubt that a single one of them asked for their sexual orientation. It's simply what they are.

I'm wishing you the best.

the best thing you can do is wait until you have accepted and gotten used to this idea. he is still your beautiful boy, you will still cherish him for who he is (sounds like). i am really proud of you for coming here, it says a lot that your initial reaction is just shock and confusion, not judgement or horror. i get the feeling you will love him regardless which is awesome.

give it a couple of days to sink in. and then i would have a sit down with him and be honest. don't be judgmental of course. don't assume it's a "phase" or that his feelings are invalid. it's his life and he's the only one who knows what he feels. have a sex talk with him and remind him that it doesn't matter whether it's boys or girls, safe sex/abstinence/whatever you believe, still applies. i actually don't believe that him coming to you in his own time is a good idea, because of the confusion and angst he may be going through, he may be torturing himself over what you and his dad will think - put his mind to rest. i know if this was my son i would want him to know that MY distress is NOT something he needs to worry about, asap. you came across concrete proof. this isn't like "oh everyone thinks he is but he needs to tell us in his own time if that's true." in that case, yes, i would wait, because what if you're wrong? more damage than helping. but in this case you KNOW for a fact. having it in the open, just between you two, will do nothing but help him. knowing you are in his corner will do nothing but good for him, imo. you can tell him that if he wants you to stay out of it, you will. but if he wants your help or advice, you're here for that too. i see no reason not to talk to him about it.

love him and accept him and you will make his life SO much easier. do the best you can for that boy - he will need you. you sound like a great mom. you'll be okay.

Whoa momma! Slow down. You sound like you are in panic mode.

I would say that your son does indeed know his feelings at age 15 and that this is not a phase. I hope that after you get over your shock (although I wish in this day and age this revelation wouldn't be a shock for anyone) you can carry on as normal - loving your mature, smart, likeable son.

Good luck!

He's way old enough to know. In today's culture where it is so accepted and commonplace to discuss (he has no problem telling a friend) he's getting it out there sooner. I had several boy friends in high school who were "not interested in girls" but didn't formally come out or realize they were gay until beyond college. But that was the 80's when people didn't put it together that Boy George was gay at first :)

He doesn't sound confused. Boys this age are girl crazy if they're straight, internally at least even if they're shy. My best friend is gay, and he knew since he was 8. But there is a SMALL chance he's not sure (though he doesn't sound unsure), and like with any type of teen relationship stuff: you don't need to pressure him about it. Let him be himself.

I'm as open as they come about this, but even I know it would be a huge shock and very difficult to process. But in the end, I would NEVER let my child feel unaccepted or bad about it for one second.

Hang in there. Be prepared. He may never announce it to you. Or maybe he will. My other good gay friend was 27 before his mom finally asked him why he had never had a girlfriend. He still couldn't tell her. But again, that was a long time ago and it was more taboo. I don't know how open your dialogue is with this kind of stuff, but definitely watch what you say so he doesn't feel you are judgmental about gay people, or he'll really close off from you.

Hang in there and good luck! I know hearing how great gay people are wont' help you process this right now, but truly, it's not a problem, just an adjustment to what you thought, and it will be OK. Take a deep breath. You don't have to do anything today.

Does he know that you review his chats? If so - then maybe this was his way of telling you how he is feeling.

It's entirely possible he knows how he feels...maybe you should open up a dialogue with him...letting him know you found the chat and would like to know more...

don't stop loving him. make sure he knows your love for him is unconditional..be there for him. It could be a phase. It could not be a phase. He may know which sex he is attracted to...whether you like it or not....just be there for him. Keep the lines of communication open. Don't ignore it...the talking should be going on!!

GOOD LUCK!!

Yes, your son probably knew by 2nd grade that he wasn't attracted to girls. Being gay doesn't mean you act like the opposite sex, tho some do. Don't freak out about it, it's not YOUR sex/love life, it's your son's. Support in in whatever gender he chooses to love and don't make him feel any less a 'man' in your eyes.

If it were me...... I would not assume it was a phase, I would NOT confront him.

This is obviously something weighing very heavy on his heart. I believe you can help by listening to him, opening your heart and letting him know that you will be right there with him every step of the way.... even though this might not be the route you dreamt of.

If it is for real, he has a tough time coming up because of so many judgemental people. Let him know how much YOU love him and Your love and support will never leave him..

I realize it would be tough because it is not the way you thought things would be. I do believe at 15 someone knows. My 16 yr old is a JR and at her school there are support groups and clubs for gays and lesbians.

My daughter is great friends with a couple of gay guys. She says they make the best loyal friends she has ever had. Of course I know them because my house is full of teens all the time and they are wonderful kids.

Open your heart, communicate.

He probably wants to talk to you... Maybe he "accidently" left a chat conversation open "accidently on purpose".

Hi G.,
I haven't read the other responses, but from accounts that I've read from other gay people, they all knew from a very young age that they were attracted to the same sex so I would say that this is probably not a phase but is indeed his life.

If this were my son, I would start testing the waters and broaching the subject so that he could open up to me. You and his father are the closest people to him and will be his greatest support system going forward. He sounds like a wonderful kid. Make sure he knows that you love him for who he is and that nothing in this world -- or any new revelation -- would ever change that. Sending you hugs!

Hi G.,

I agree with the others that it is not a phase...I lived in San Francisco for many years, grew up in the area, and have had many gay friends. They all knew by 15...some much earlier...

I know it's a shock to you, but at least you are open-minded enough to consider this possibility without withdrawing your support from your son. One of my dearest friends was essentially kicked out of his family because he was gay...his parents--very religious--could not get their minds around it. It really broke my heart to see that because he is just a beautiful person: smart, loving, witty, a joy to be around. Truly, I wish I had 1/10 of his good character : ) After about 20 years his parents are starting to come around, but that is a LOT of lost years!!!

Even though you are in Los Angeles and coming out is probably less of a big deal than some other towns, I would watch your son very closely for signs of school bullying, depression, etc. I can't believe what some of these poor kids have to go through!

Your son has a wonderful life ahead of him because he has all of the qualities you mentioned, plus parents who love him.

No, it isn't a phase. He is gay. At 15 did you know you liked boys? Sure you did. So why would he not know what he finds attractive? Now you need to decide if you want to let him come to you with this information or if you want to just ask him or tell him that you know. Somehow you need to find a way to let him know that gay or straight, you love him and always will. He sounds like a good kid.

He probably does know at 15. You knew you were straight, right? :) He needs love and support right now and you need to take a minute to process this information. Don't ask him about it until you can speak to him without an ounce of judgement or disappointment or shock. I suggest reading some books on the topic so you know how to best discuss it, come to terms with it, and move forward. How do you behave? The same way you always have. He's your son. He's the same person, you just found out that he likes the color blue over green. It's no biggie. I understand that you thought you knew him so well and now you're getting information you had no idea about and you're feeling like you don't know him as well as you thought you did. It's OK. You'll be fine and so will he as long as you handle the situation with love and acceptance. You know how to love him. You've been doing it for 15 years.

P.S. you're also going to need a good explanation as to how you accidentally saw this text on his phone. He's going to feel like his privacy was violated.

Let's see, he texted a girl to tell her about the "cute" guys in school. He has no guy friends. There are a ton of girls that are friends with him and they get along like "one of the girls". I'd say that he is gay.

I went to school with Kevin but he was more female than I was. He could iron a blouse with no wrinkles anywhere, put on makeup that made a professional cry and strut down a runway in perfect time to the beat.

Go out to lunch with your son and talk. Public places are less likely for scenes. Remember he is still your son and that he chose a different sexual route than you.

Look at all the great clothing designers the majority of the men who design for women are gay.

Don't go beating yourself up over this. Mother Nature had a hand in this before you knew him. Love and enjoy him the way he is and remember he loves you. Be a good positive person in his life because he will need one. The journey can be enlightening or it can be full of distraught it is how you make it. I hope that you will take the high road and let it be enlightening. It is just the shock of finding out the way you did. It will be okay, promise pinky swear.

The other S.

PS We are all people in the eyes of God and should not judge. Many good people have lost their lives over this and they were never allowed to leave their positive mark on society.

G.,

One of my very good friends sounds just like your son. All his friends were girls, didn't have a lot of close guy friends. He did date a couple girls but they never lasted long, he always found a reason for breaking up with them. He was 15 at the time. He came out when he was in his early twenties. I think that you need to give yourself and him time to come to terms with what you found out. It will be hard but I think you should let him tell you in his own time. Right now is the time to make sure you have open and honest communication with him. Start listening for clues that he is wanting to have this discussion with you.

This is about the age that my sister started trying to make sure she wasn't just confused. I think she had known for a while but started testing the boundries. My sister is now no longer my sister... I call her my sibling. She is Married to a man but now is a "man" herself...so out of my confort zone...I dont' think there will be any true adjustment for our family....it is what it is...you can accept or reject...

My thoughts live a happy life now...and don't fret about the future...there was no changing my siblings decision...my sibling seems to live a happy life and for me that is what matters!

You asked if it is possible that at 15 your son could know that he is gay. Yes. My brother-in-law came out at 18 during his senior year of high school and said that although he had tried to date girls, he had always known he was gay as far back as he could remember. What I would urge you to do is be accepting no matter how this turns out. My brother-in-law didn't receive the support he needed when he came out and he quit high school one semester short of graduation. He is only now at the age of 31 finally getting his life on track and getting a degree.

I'm sure he knows who he is and please please let him be who he is freely without judgement or reservations. As an openly bisexual woman, who came out as a teen in high school, having a supportive family is a must. If he is confused then he will learn as life goes on who he is but at this point in life this is who he is and please let him be just that. You shouldn't behave any different than you already do provided you're supportive and have open communication. Does it bother you that your son is gay because he is not heterosexual or is it because of the issues he'll possibly face? Take a step back and look at how you're addressing this issue. Is it yours or his? Please be the best supportive parent you can be for him.