Seeking Advice on Blended Families

My son has lost 3 friends in motorcycle accidents in the last 18 months. Please take my advice and jump on this chance to be rid of the bike. Even if you aren't worried about an accident - it was the deal. Love has to be tough sometimes. He will get over it.

I agree with the boyfriend on the bike but not on making him move out. I also agree with taking him to and from work. So if he has to get out then I will too. G. W

K., you may think you are asking one question -- about the bike -- but your post begs for answers to much more. Let's start with the fact that the title of your post says "blended family" but you describe yourself as a "single mom". That indicates that you recognize on some level that even though you and your son live with your boyfriend and your boyfriend helps support him, it isn't the same as being a family. In a family, discipline works when it's based on trust and an understanding of the love that each family member has for the other. It's common for kids to resent and rebel against discipline by someone who is not their biological parent, when they don't have that understanding and trust. I imagine in this case it would be even worse because your son sees himself as a man since he is now 18. So, I think you have set yourself up for a lot of headache in the future trying to manage these two relationships. Each "man" is going to hold it against you whenever you side with the other guy. This will only lead to frustration on everyone's part.

That said, I agree with the Moms who say taking chances with the motorcycle is not a good idea. Your son walked away with his life and only minor consequences (since you bailed him out) after underaged drinking and riding. Does either of you realize how lucky he is? My guess is no. Kids never expect to face consequences. And the fact that you made such a big deal in telling him not to drink and ride says that you know he drinks a lot, but you thought it acceptable to buy him a motorcycle anyway, at age 18. That to me is the kind of purchase that an adult makes with his own money, not a gift from a mom and her boyfriend to someone who is not very mature or responsible. Maybe the boyfriend realized that it may not have been a smart move to buy the motorcycle and seized the first opportunity to take it back. I think it was the right decision anyway, because your son needs to learn the meaning of living up to a contract. Yes, he should be allowed to regain your trust, but over an extended period of time with a lesser reward. Buy him a bicycle to ride to work. Have him take the bus there, at least one way. If it isn't feasible or practical to do that based on where your boyfriend lives, move out. It doesn't sound like moving in was a great idea to begin with.

I know you love your son and no parent likes to see their child suffer consequences. But like the Moms have said, if he ends up killing himself or someone else, you would not forgive yourself for not doing what you know in your heart is the best thing for him. That's a mom's job. Let the boyfriend sell the bike and give you back your share of the money. Then move out on your own with your son and let him do the bicycle or bus thing while until you both save up to buy him a car. Good luck!

First of all, this is not a "blended family." This is a boyfriend--you are not married, which means he can leave or you can ask him to leave at any point. I'm not saying you don't love him or that he is not important to your son, but there is a difference. Second, I think it was absolutely ridiculous for an 18 year old first-time motorcyclist to get a Harley. My husband has been riding for over 10 years and that is what he dreams of. Getting an 18 year old a Harley is like buying a 16 year old who just got his drivers license a Corvette. Your son has already shown that he is not ready for this responsibility, and you should get rid of this expensive bike. He needs to be in school--a community college if nothing else, AND have a part-time job. You can loan him the money and get him a CHEAP old bike or car and he can pay this money back to you through working and giving you a small portion of his income and through good grades. Second, your son is not of age to be drinking and why was he even out at 3 am? This is an 18 year old who is being supported by YOU, not an adult. This is exactly what is wrong with our country--kids getting expensive toys without earning them. What did you have when you were 18 years old? I had a 20 year old Pontiac, was in COLLEGE and working part-time to help my parents pay for tuition and the extra money it cost for auto insurance. What kind of job can an 18 year old feasibly get that will do anything for his future? He needs to be in SCHOOL so that he has a future, and Harleys can come later when he can earn them.

My son is only a year but I have three brothers that have gotten into all sorts of trouble and life-endangering situations. So I do have some experience with 18 year olds who are hard to handle.

First of all, like so many other 18 year olds, he thinks he is immortal. Evidenced by his drinking and driving a motorcycle at night. A horrible combination.

Secondly, he does NOT realize the seriousness of the situation. And he WILL do it again. You may not think so but it is obvious that he will.

Thirdly, as extreme as it seems, he needs to learn the meaning of CONSEQUENCES. Which means he loses the bike just like he was told when the bike was given to him. From your story, it sounds like he thinks this is negotiable even though he broke his end of the contract.

Fourth, your boyfriend is getting the raw end of this because you are letting him be the "tough" guy. You are the mom and he is not the father. YOU have to be tough and if you son is angry at you then you'll have to ride it out. Do you know what is worse than having your son angry right now? Death. A felony that prevents him from ever getting a good job. Addiction. Hanging with bad friends. Prison time.
If you think any of the above are an overreaction, you are overestimating your son's maturity and underestimating your role as a mother.

Fifth, it seems like you have things out of perspective. You think the problem is that your son is upset with you and your boyfriend. If your son had died or if he had killed or injured someone else, you would give anything to have had the opportunity to TAKE AWAY the bike. And you wouldn't care how mad he was at you because he would be safe and unharmed.

It is so hard to see clearly and parent through these kind of situations. I'm not being critical of you because I've seen my brothers and their friends go through all kinds of things. Some of their friends have actually died. Most of them have records. Some felonies. And all of them have lost a lot of time "cleaning up their act". All because the parents didn't see the severity of the problems until it was too late. And didn't act on the little signs because their kids threw fits just like the one your son is throwing. I will have lifelong regret and sadness as a sister that I didn't do things earlier to help my brothers. And that would have meant doing things that made them hate me at the time. But their lives today would be much better.

I hope that you and your son get through this difficult time with no scars. He will always love you if you continue to be a strong mom and stick to the rules you give him.

P.S. Your boyfriend sounds like just one more headache that you are having to deal with. He is not being supportive or loving or helpful to you and it has nothing to do with him not having any children of his own. He sounds selfish. You are going to have other situations with your son and your boyfriend doesn't sound like he is acting as your "partner". Which is what you need. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate but I would start reevaluating your future with this man. He doesn't sound like a keeper.

First let me point out to you the obvious. You have been living together for one week and the first sign of a problem he tells you to get out or it is over. To choose between him or your son. I really do not see this relationship lasting. This is your son for life you can not dump him just because he is 18 like you would a boyfriend, if he is not able to handle this problem without going to the extreme he will not be able to handle it ever and at 18 trust me there is more to come. Second at 18 he is no longer a minor and you should have left him with the cops over night. As for the bike yes it should be gone for good but I think that it should be sold and the money put toward a car now. AND I would go to a pharmacy and purchase a home drug and alchol test and tell your son that at any time you will use it and if he test positive he will have to move out. If he feels he is adult enough to drink at 18 then he is adult enough to live on his own. Just remember that when and it will happen he looks at you and says he can't believe you are doing this to him just remind him that you are not doing it to him he is doing it to himslef. He lives under your roof your rules. He knew up front that if he drank and drove the bike he would lose the bike so by taking a drink and getting on the bike he was saying please take my bike from me. Now if he knows that if he chooses to drink he must move out and goes out drinking then he is saying to you he is ready to move out. You are not kicking him out he is choosing to move out because he knows this action gets this reaction plain and simple. Even if you do reexamine your relationship and decide to go back to a place of your own I would stick to the rules very firmly or your son will learn he can control you and it will get worse.

I think your boyfriend has gone beyond the call of duty by getting the motorcycle for your son. A deal is a deal. You have to take the bike away. It hurts to discipline your child, but you must do it in order for him to learn to abide by the rules. If your bf were your child's biological father, wouldn't you back him up?

K.,

In my teens, I was always attracted to guys with good hearts that made bad BAD decisions (I see that now as an adult with a husband with a good heart who makes good decisions).

First, the drinking with the bike is serious and I agree with other posters that 2 - 3 weeks would not be long enough. Of the guys I dated and their friends, it has been interesting to see where they have all ended up now that we are into our 30s. Sadly, one of them died because he was driving drunk. He was only 19 at the time. The ones who made it are the ones who had strict parents - like my parents. Looking back, I'm glad my parents were strict. I was rebellious and hung out with the wrong crowd. They forced me to grow up and it has paid off.

I hate to say it, but I think your boyfriend is right on the decision to take the bike away completely. Your son broke the rules. The bike should be gone. While he has not had children of his own, this is a GOOD parenting tool! Although you guys aren't married, if you involve him in the giving part of parenting, it is unfair of you to expect him to be uninvolved in the taking part of parenting. The hard position you are now in is that you did not back your boyfriend on that parenting decision. Unfortuntately, if you were to agree to take the bike now, your son will think you are turning on him and siding with the boyfriend. Your son should always come first, but destructive behavior should have MAJOR consequences. At this point, see if your boyfriend would be up for the previous suggestion of storing the bike for 6 months. If your son does X, Y, and Z, he will get it back. The rules should be set at the beginning, with no room for negotiation by your son, your boyfriend, or yourself. He had to earn it to get it in the first place, so he has to earn it back. If he really wants wheels before then, he can save up for them!

Your son must always come first, but to think that an 18 year old boy is not going to drink and drive again is giving him too much credit. I have seen the smartest, most driven people destroy themselves between the ages of 17 - 23 and it is so sad. Reward the thing he is doing right, which is going to work. Definitely DO NOT LET HIM LIVE BY HIMSELF! That is a disaster waiting to happen. This is where you should stand your ground with the boyfriend. Tell him your son must get to work and that getting him there is not catering to him (because it's not! What 18 year old boy wants to show up to work everyday with his "mommy"?). Take your son to work, or find a way to get him there on a bus, carpooling, etc.

Also, if you haven't already, I recommend getting a copy of his work schedule. Tell him it's so you can make arrangements get him to and from work. However, this will be a good way to make sure he is going to work when he says he is. If he is in a rebellious, immature mode, I recommend you keep an eye on his schedule, but he doesn't need to know you are checking up on him. If he thinks you don't trust him, that could blow up, too. Plus, it would be a good way to feel good that he is being honest with you about his need to go to work. This may seem like a left-field suggestion, but I knew of several kids who told their parents they were going to "work"; but, they were actually just hanging out with friends, etc.

Sorry this is so long. But, in closing, as someone emotionally removed from the situation, you need to do what is best for you and your son in the end. The only two scenarios you have to choose from are:

(1) find a compromise with the boyfriend on the bike and your son's transportation to work
(2) you and your son move out together (without the bike). Then, give your boyfriend the option to still see you, but you can't live together (for now).

Again, please don't let your son live alone. It does not sound like he is ready for that.

K., I'm sorry this is so long and if I seem harsh at times, I don't mean to be. I am just worried for your son. I responded to your post because my mind starting running through the boys I grew up with who are now either dead, addicts, or felons. It breaks my heart to think of them because I remember what they were like before they started down self-destructive paths. I can assure you that all of them either did, or would have, driven drunk on motorcycles at 18 years old. I can guarantee they would have done it again because none of them had parents willing to stand their ground on the tough issues.

You may not always be popular with your son, but he will always love you. Good luck!

Hi K., I believe that your son has learned a valuable lesson in all of this and when he tells or agrees to conditions then he must keep his word and abide by the conditions set out. A person is only as good as his word and I believe that your son has learned a good lesson in that he has lost the bike and next time he gets a bike or car he will think twice before he does something like this again. You have learned a good lesson as well as you now see that your boyfriend is a control freak and you should loose him as quickly as your son lost the bike. Move closer to your sons work and forget the boyfriend as if he will do this now he will want to control what you both do now and in the future. I wish you all the best and I hope that you find a boyfriend that will respect you and your son and help you both to become what you should be. I hope that you won't move in with the next boyfriend so quickly and that you will have respect for yourself and set boundaries that will allow you to be yourself and don't let the boyfriend now and in the future try and control you and your son. You both should have a say in the decisions that will have an effect on you and your son. I'm not sure of what belief you are and it doesn't really matter, but I would suggest that you find a church near by and attend it and people there can help you and your son and give advice that will help you both and who knows you may even find a decent boyfriend that will respect you both. I wish you and your son all the best in the future and I hope that you both have learned a valuable lesson. Ed

Absolutely DO NOT let him have the bike back. Sell it and give him the money to buy a car. There is no excuse for drinking and driving whether he's driving a motorcycle or a car. Motorcycles are statistically more dangerous for the driver than a car. Motorcycle VS automobile, automobile is going to win. And if you wreck on a motorcycle, whether another vehicle is involved or not, chances are great that injuries will be severe. The fact that he drank and then got on the bike proves that he has no respect for himself, for other people on the road, or for you or your boyfriend as authority. He'll be mad at your boyfriend because to him, the boyfriend is expendable. But this kid needs to be taught a lesson. Let him think all he wants that you're taking sides but you might just be saving his life. Or maybe even the life of someone I love. Think about it.

Best of luck.

Hi K., I'm sorry you're stuck in the middle but that happens with blended families. You've gotten a lot of great advice. My suggestion is store the bike somewhere give him an opertunity to earn enough money to buy a bike on his own, so he is solely responsiable for it but don't tell him you have is stored make him earn it. Be sure he pays the ticket. When he has earned enough to buy the bike, then let the BF present it to him as a symbol of exceptance & new trust. I know your man was young once & did something simular. No one is perfect and at 18, he has a lot to learn and this little mess is a great lesson. I'm sure by now he understands that he is very fortunate he or someone else wasn't injured or killed.
god Bless you all & hang in there.

Honey boyfriends are a dime a dozen but your son is one in a million. Sorry I have to say my opinion is family comes first for me. So sorry boyfriend tata. Move out and get your son a bicycle. For now do what you gotta to get back on your feet but no man comes between me and my boys. I have 2 one 14 and one 12 and my husband who once was my boyfriend always knew that my boys come first if he gave me a choice. Which he is smart and has never done that. Good luck hun and hope you make the right choice for you and your son.

your boyfriend is right-the two of them made a deal, he broke it. When he saves up enough money he should buy one then. he is acting like a kid, not a man-drinking and driving. you are so lucky, you could have got a call that we all dread. or another mother could have gotten that call because of your son. the fact that your son is livid that his bike got taken away shows that he has no remorse. the fact that you want to give it back to him is even worse. get on the MADD website (MOTHERS AGAINST DRUNK DRIVING) and see if you still want him to have it.

Tough place to be for sure... however, my parents raised us in tough love. We mess up, the consequences stand and we also need to prove ourselves to them. There are TONS of cash cars out there for cheap, check craigslist. He is 18... might be a good time for him to spread his own wings and get out in the world on his own if he doesn't want to live with your rules. I would not worry about his credit being built up at the moment til he gets on his feet and has his own place and can pay for things on his own. Otherwise, you are going to get stuck with the bill. :( I've seen it happen many times... sad but true.

#1 rule... back out of this! This issue is between Your (adult)son and your boyfriend. THEY made the deal and THEY need to deal with the issue. If one of them starts to complain to you about it simply say "That is between the two of you. I love you both, but I do not need to be in the middle of this.. consider me Switzerland."

#2 This bike is in your boyfriend's name. If something had happened(he killed someone while drunk on the bike), he could be dragged through the mud right along with your son because the bike is in HIS name.

#3 Be thankful that your son or someone else DIDN'T get killed during this lesson and move on.

I do not think it is extreme in taking the bike. That was the rule he agreed to so he should have been responsible and not drink and rode. Not only that but he is not even legally old enough to drink! I will have a contract with my kids about drinking and driving with their car and they will lose their car...period. I am an occupational therapist and work in a brain injury clinic where 3 of my current patients are young men, all with motorcycle accidents, and 2 were drinking. I can assure you you would not want to see the before and after a brain injury and how it can completely change a person and uproot the entire family's lives. It is horrible. Your son should have taken into consideration how he would get back and forth from work prior to having cocktails and getting on his bike. How will he learn accountability if you give in and give him his bike back? And, honestly, your boyfriend bought the bike and made the agreement, no drinking and riding, so he has every right to take that bike back. You agreed to that rule also. Your son of course hates him because he is someone who does what he says he does. Not a bad life lesson for your son to learn, that there are consequences for your actions and you are held accountable for breaking the rules and, in your son's case, the law. Maybe your son should get a job closer to home and take public transportation for a while. Maybe it will teach him to respect the rules he agreed to when someone who doesn't HAVE to does something nice for him. I am passionate about this, not only because I treat brain injury patients, but I believe we are way to lax with are kids and following rules. We are crippling our kids for not teaching them accountability.

What a tough situation for all. Your son did make a poor decision and is now paying the consequences of his actions. My opinion is he has to pay for the ticket out of his income, be without the bike for 3 weeks or so. Beg forgiveness of you and your boyfriend and keep the bike to get to work and show that he can be responsible and re-earn his trust to both of you. You are his parent and must always keep him number one. You stated your boyfriend never had kids so he just doesn't get it. He needs to realize we all need second chances and if your son drinks and drives again then the selling of the bike might be the final consequence. Your son hopefully is remorseful and will show better judgement but keep in mind he is a teenager and teenagers don't always make the best decisions. Please be on his side as he will always be your son and your boyfriend may not always be around either by his choice or yours.
Good luck.

I agree the bike is gone - that was the deal- As far as kick your son out to stay w/ b-frind - blood is thicker than water!

K., you love your son and always will. Your boyfriend is not his father and is only recently in his life which makes you and your son question his decisions. Understandable. However, you are acting more on emotion and your boyfriend on logic - that too is natural, it's the way we were created. Your son is not going to stop drinking in 2 - 3 weeks and your boyfriend knows it and wants to make the consequences so severe that your son will realize it is not worth drinking/getting drunk. What if your son killed someone while driving - your boyfriend is actually trying to prevent that. He is trying to prevent you being "the mother of that drunk that killed ________." I suggest you listen to him and explain to your son that in the real world when he makes a commitment he must, at all costs, honor his commitment. In this case, the commitment was no drinking and since he broke it, he loses e v e r y t h i n g . It is hard, stay strong. Your son is 18 and needs to grow up - don't hinder that process. He will grow only if things get hard, and since you are enabling him, you need to talk to him to explain that he needs to set goals and work (emphasize) work for them. REMINDER: your job is to get him to live on his own, not depend on you.
Before you and your boyfriend get married, I suggest you go to counseling and get ground rules in place. I also suggest saying the wedding vows and thinking "Is this the person I will stay will if things get ugly"? (...for better or WORSE (ugly)... If you don't respect his insight, his wisdom, you might not want to get married because you are too independent.
Please also remember that males know how other males think and "using" your boyfriend to understand your son will help you make wise decisions.

As a mother of a 26 year old son that grew up with me, his sisters and his step father I will first say that I would never have bought my son a motorcycle at such a young & tender age. I personally know 3 guys that died on a motorcycle when we were all growing up.

I have to agree with your boyfriend. I don't think you have to have had kids to know how to react in this situation. Also, he is more neutral about it and looking at it more as your son being a human being in society. A rule was made and your son broke the rules. If you give in than the message that you are sending your son is that it is okay to break the rules. Driving a motorcycle is not a game and driving drunk endangers not only his life but the lives of others.

One of the biggest problems nowadays is that parents don't want to discipline their kids. They are more concerned with being the kids friend than a parent. You are not choosing between your son & your boyfriend, you need to choose between right & wrong.

Good luck!

Your boyfriend is absolutely right on all counts and although I know that is so very difficult to hear and even more difficult to live, please consider that your precious son could be dead now, as a result of drinking and driving, and you would likely never forgive your boyfriend for having purchased the instrument of his death.

I've lived your situation, choosing your son means choosing what is best for him, whether he likes it or not. We always choose our children, in this case, you are very fortunate. Your boyfriend's parenting instincts are exactly what your son needs (maybe he sees himself when he was that age?).

Tell your son to get a job he can get transportation to by himself (an occasional ride from you shouldn't be a problem for your boyfriend) and tell him to consider in the future, when he wants to drink and drive, how difficult he may be making his life as a result of that choice.

Encourage him to approach your boyfriend himself and try to work out the living situation "man to man" by apologizing, acknowledging his own shortcomings and expressing an earnest interest in improving his own life, with your boyfriend's help. Your expressing some appreciation for your boyfriend's kindness and some understanding of the fact the your boyfriend is trying to do the right thing for your precious son (which he is likely to be doing because he loves you so much), wouldn't hurt either.

Good luck and may God bless you all. They do grow up and become reasonable, responsible adults, most of the time.

A difficult situation. Sometimes parents get more punished then the kid when we have to punish the kids (i.e. - having to take him to work). Of course if the job is in walking or bicycle distance or even bus, you would have him do that. If you let him keep the bike, he won't learn anything, and probably will injure himself with more drinking and driving. As for the boyfriend, he sounds like he'd rather not bother with you and your extra luggage, since he told you to find yourself another place. (But I do agree with the boyfriend - no bike). Deal is a deal. Tough love is sometimes tough. Probably would be better anyway to get your own place so you can have control of the situation. Until the boyfriend is a husband, he really has no say. 18 year olds is the most difficult time of life. They are just getting out on their own and we need to help them make the right decisions and not abandon them when they need us the most. You can tell your son that "you love him", but we had a deal and that you are their to help when you can, and hopefully he will be able to buy a car. Sell the bike and put toward a car.

I'm a mother of 4 kids in their 20s. 3 married. Grandmother of 3.

I know this is the hardest thing you will ever survive, except having your child suffer from a drunk driving wreck. I not trying to be harsh, but right now is the perfect time to teach him a VERY valuable lesson about drinking and driving.

It may be a good time to find out out your relationship with your boyfriend too.
There are somethings that are black and white and others you need to work on compromise on.

I feel for you all. Good luck.

"Blended families-shembled families" Your son broke the law and endangered himself and the public. You are the parent. And, being the mom of 5, I know that if you don't set the right standard, I can guarantee the kid will and it probably won't be. And if this boyfriend cannot see that it may be because that he doesn't quite have it together either. Do you want to be a mom to them both? Do you want to be an enabler for immature and dangerous behavior? As for taking sonny to work-make him pay for the gas out of his paycheck. In other words, I support your decision all the way.

Hey K.,

I didn't read all the responses, so I may repeat something someone else already wrote. Sorry.

Very tough situation! But it isn't unique to the blended family situation. The men in your life are dealing with very strong emotions and an equally strong sense of what's fair or just.

They may need help working this thing through. Would they be open to counseling?

Actually, they are both right and wrong! The "contract" with your son spelled out in no uncertain terms what would happen if he violated it. Your son is angry about the consequences but they are just! They are just what was spelled out in the contract. He's thinking it is unfair, but what he wants is a second chance = mercy! He's angry about the severity and finality of the consequences. He doesn't realize he wants mercy, he just thinks that he doesn't DESERVE the consequences - he's wrong. He's guilty of driving a motorcycle while under the influence. He's wrong according to the law and according to the contract with you and your boyfriend.

But he's right to yearn for mercy! and to feel angry about the situation! But his anger should be directed at himself. However, he's not mature enough to realize that yet.

Your boyfriend is right in holding to the contract. He is entirely "just" in taking the bike away. That was the only rule in the agreement. But he is wrong in continuing to be "livid" about it. He's also wrong in giving you an ultimatum: your son or him. That isn't how being a family works. We all make mistakes and we all need forgiveness. I think he needs to let the anger go and forgive your son for being immature and [stupid!] and making a mistake, albeit a serious mistake.

Actually, the three of you should be very thankful that it ended in a ticket and your son merely losing the bike. It could have ended in the loss of life - his or someone else's. He's very fortunate not to have to carry around the guilt of having killed someone else for the rest of his life.

It might help to have all of you go to a counselor - or at least sit down and talk about a few things. What is your definition of love? of family? of helping versus enabling? of justice and mercy and how they will play out in your "family". What act/s/actions/activities are the basis for getting thrown out of the family?

Lots to think about...

A.

PS I had to come back and add another note. The reason I wrote the previous paragraph is because I don't think you guys are acting like a FAMILY. The situation with the motorcycle just brought this issue to the forefront. It's an extremely serious issue. You guys need to figure this one out! What is a family? How does it act? How does it deal with difficult situations? Like this one!

Hon, it's really not a matter of choosing your son over your boyfriend or vice versa. It's a matter of principles. Your son knew the rules. Your boyfriend has been quite generous with him. Your son broke the trust.

Personally, I have ZERO tolerance for drinking and driving and I would be selling the bike too!

He is 18. He has a job. He can't follow the rules. I think maybe it's time for some tough love for your son. That would be my advice to you with or without the boyfriend. If you continue to bail your son out of every situation, he will never be a man. It's time for him to man up.

And let's see . . . your son totally screwed up and he's mad at your boyfriend??? Sounds like he has a major case of immaturity to me. Don't you think it's time for him to grow up and be responsible and accountable for his actions? If not now . . . when?

Good Luck.

Your boyfriend should respect you love and dedication to your son. When it comes to a man or your child you child always comes first. We have a responsibility as parents to always be there for our children. The answer to this question is obvious.

First of all, he's your son, not your boyfriend's, and so the decision needs to be yours. You are not "caught in the middle"; you have a decision to make.

Second, an 18-year-old with a motorcycle is a high-risk situation to start with. Add alcohol and it's a death wish. You might want to drive your son to a couple of Alcoholics Anonymous meetings to hear what the consequences can be like.

Get rid of the motorcycle and drive your son. If he can get there by bus, so much the better. You may be saving his life.

you are doing the right thing .i understand that you feel like you have to choose sides and are torn between the 2 men in your life. but the truth is your son broke your trust and the trust he had with your boyfriend and not only that but an agreement too, Amost a business agreement, we buy the bike you dont drink . Plain and simple. you cant go back on your word, he messed up and has to learn from his consequences. the pain you feel right now pails nothing in comparison to the pain you could have felt had he been involved in a accident and been hurt or died or he had hurt or killed someone else. it is going to be hard but you have to let him know that you do this cuz you love him not because you are picking sides. because you have principles and when you say your going to do something you stick to it , not because your petty and you are angry at him .
if the worst thing that happens is he looses his job out of this you should be greatful. it could have been alot worse.

I dont have experience with this but in my opinion,I would only let him use his bike for going to and from work for a set time period, like 3 months, and give him one more chance to use bike. As far as living arrangements, your son could move out by himself. I really hope it all works out for the best.

I think you're boyfriend should have consulted w/ you before giving the punishment. In my opinion, a man who makes you choose him or your son is not a man worth keeping.

I will start off by writing that your boyfriend is your boyfriend, and as Nikki J wrote, your son will always be your son and if you choose your boyfriend over him, you're the one looking at ending the family ties. Since I don’t know the ‘whole’ story, my two cents are based solely on what you have provided. It looks like you have more than one problem here. This is going to be a long post, so I hope you don’t give up on reading, please bear with me:

1) A motorcycle for an 18 year old is asking for trouble. Bikes are fast - really fast and you don't have the protection that you would with a car. I am an adult and a motorcycle rider. I took the MSF course and am licensed. I had my own bike for a couple of years and my husband had his, so if I wasn’t riding mine, I was on his. I took this course in my late 20's early 30's and decided to sell because it’s too darn hot in Texas to ride when you’re wearing, for lack of a better word, ‘protective clothing’ (ie: helmet, jacket, boots, gloves & jeans).

If driving a car while under the influence is hard - what does alcohol do to someone that is riding a motorcycle? If you don’t know the answer, it’s twice as hard because when a motorcycle driver is not under the influence they are already paying attention to ‘cagers’ (people in cars). When there is alcohol in your system all of your reflexes are basically gone! When driving a car, one has some type of protection (aside from seatbelts), one detail is that you don’t get thrown 20+ feet from a car at an intersection. People driving cars don't see bikes as well as they would another car – especially at night. Not only is this common sense, but it was discussed at the MSF course.

2)Your son is 18.. why would he be drinking anyway? Last time I checked 21 was the legal drinking age. Why would the police have asked you to come get him? He wasn’t at the legal drunken stage. Hmmmm, police usually take people in unless there was something else going on. Back to my point, I am aware that a lot of us drank at 18 and made some really dumb mistakes, but it is our duty as parents to try and educate our children – Drinking and Driving is not an option. You as a parent should be very upset that he was out drinking and driving. Your son knew the rule and that was the one he chose to break. I believe that cell phones are very popular now-a-days, why didn’t he call before getting on the bike? Why didn’t he take the responsible route and crash at a friend’s and pick his bike up in the morning? I would hope that he knows the difference between right and wrong.

3)I don't think your boyfriend is overreacting by taking the bike away. I’m thinking that he doesn't want the responsibility of your son being irresponsible, injured, killed or having him hurt someone else. I don’t agree with the ultimatum, but I absolutely, 100% agree with taking the bike away. Again, the ONLY rule was no drinking and driving and that was the rule he broke. Two or three weeks would be a great punishment for something completely different – driving ANY kind of vehicle under the influence is serious and indicates a lapse in judgment.

Nikki mentioned a GREAT idea and that would be to let the punishment be to sell the bike and buy a clunker with the money from the sale. I will add to have your son be party to these transactions so that he understands that there are consequences for the choices one makes. What would the consequence have been if he had hurt, possibly killed someone? OH and he wouldn’t have to deal with the outcome of killing himself, you would. I realize those last sentence was harsh, but this isn’t a game or a joke.

How can he ever prove that he isn’t going to do this again? Seriously. I realize that selling the bike may be extreme, but an 18 year old doesn’t tend to think clearly. If your son wants a motorcycle then he could purchase one on his own; he is an adult. If he has to wait to purchase one, well, that’ll be his goal and he’ll probably more responsible by the time he gets it. He could drive the ‘clunker’ until he’s able to purchase one on his own and then he’ll probably cherish it more.

4) Of course your son absolutely hates your boyfriend; he took away the GIFT that the two of you gave him, his precious motorcycle. All his friends thought that having one was really cool. He is probably more furious with himself than he is with your boyfriend. He’s going to lash out, that’s what teenagers (and some adults) do, that’s how he feels better about what happened. That being said, he doesn’t have to like anyone right now, especially himself. He made a HUGE, serious mistake and you as his parent should be the one helping him see this. Have a serious talk with your son and let him know that he’s going to have to deal with the choice he made.

I realize this is long, but this will be the last point:

5) Sitting down with your boyfriend is CRUCIAL. Having him give you an ultimatum, especially when it comes to your son, is a card he should have never pulled. I will repeat, I realize that I was not privy to the whole conversation, and I’m only hearing your side of it, but this is your life and you’re the one asking for advice here. Think very closely about the words your boyfriend chose to share with you when it came down to your son. YOUR SON. I believe that you should sit down with your boyfriend and discuss the whole situation – calmly. Your son does need to learn a lesson and should have to pay the consequence, but having you pick between the two of them is absolutely crazy. If your boyfriend still believes that you have to choose, in my opinion, your decision has been made for you – really. Once you sever the ties with your son that will NEVER be forgotten and as the concerned mother that you are, imagine what it’ll be like if you have to choose any person over him. Now if your son is one to use his role, as your son, against you to get his way, that is a situation you will have to solve, without a boyfriend in the picture.

OH, you never mentioned how long your boyfriend has been in your son’s life or if they ever had a ‘relationship’ outside of the purchase of this motorcycle.

A couple of articles you may want to read, if you don't want to purchase the book: http://www.vitalsmarts.com/crucialskillsarchive.aspx

NO, its not extreme. It is too easy to die on a bike and being impaired at all is almost a death sentence. Your son broke the rules. If you son broke the laws would expect the police to give him a break. Sometimes tough love is the hardest to give.

Its your boyfriend's right to take it away you guys made the rule - don't let it slide because the next time it might be a call to the morgue.

The BIG Mistake was allowing the boyfriend to buy the bike in the first place...this was creating a no win situation from the start for both you and your son with the motorcycle decisions...FIRST, no 18 year old is responsible enough for a motorcycle in my opinion, but if he wants one, let HIM buy one when he saves the $$$ himself and that way he can be fully responsible for it and any situations he gets himself into with it...YOU should at this point invest in a car that you, not the boyfriend can afford and due to your son's actions with the motorcycle allow him to use that car for work only for now and then ease restrictions as YOU feel he is earning YOUR trust back. Your not married to the borfriend and he's NOT your son's father, don't allow him to be, the boy is 18 and he's never going to be his father, maybe they can be friends at best. You didn't go into details on the home, boyfriend situation, but if your boyfriend if footing all the bills, you are in a bad situation and it kinda sounds that way from what you say...if the three are room mates, splitting the bills, then you both have rights there too...in any situations, a dictator relationship never works, even if you two were married...maybe that is the issue you should be more worried about??? Even asking who you should choose, SON or Boyfriend is poor thinking on your part, blood/water...your son will be your son for life, boyfriends come and go...with a ring on your finger, at least you have more of a 50/50 situations, with the right man...is this the righ man, you know the answer to that already. Sorry to be so blunt, but as I love to quote Judge Judy from TV, "Quit PLAYING House"

K.,
You got to be kidding me. Drunk on a motorcycle? You better pull your head from your butt and tell that young Adult that he new the rules. The next time the consequences could be death.
On the other hand if this Boyfriend loves you his untimatium of leaving or getting your son an apartment is so wrong.
My husband and I blended a family of 7 kids almost 19 years ago. We have had everyhting that you can name happen in our house.
I think I would sell the motorcycle,get an apartment on a bus line for your son and you. Your boyfriend bought the motorcycle so he has every right to make the rules.

N. Cox

Here's the deal, if made a deal, you should stick to it. Do you want to give him the bike back and have something happen b/c he drinks and drives again? What if next time he gets really hurt (it's a MOTORCYCLE!!! WORSE THAN A CAR!) I think I'm with your boyfriend on that note. You purchased it, you set the rules, he broke them, BIG CONSEQUENCES. If you moved from his work, think of creative ways for him to get there...you can take him, can he ride a bus? Car pool with someone else? Yes, he needs to keep his job, but this is a real life situation, what if he was married and lost his license, he would have to figure out how to make it work. He needs to learn this lesson now!

Now, if boyfriend is saying you need to move out b/c you want to drive son to work, then maybe this isn't going to work. You HAVE to choose your son over your boyfriend...not the other way around. My question would be is if boyfriend is saying to move out b/c you want to give him the bike back? If so, I see his point, but if it's b/c you are diving him to work, then I think he's be unreasonable. Good luck, this is a hard situation, but seriously, on a motorcycle, terrible things can happen, even if you aren't drinking, so you need to be tough on this! If your son is working and is out of school, AND living at home, he should be able to save up for a car in a short amount of time. You can find a realiable used car for a few thousand dollars. If he applies himself (isn't spending on going out with friends, eating out, buying clothes, etc.) he should be able to save that up in a few months. A few months of inconvenience should teach him the life lesson he needs to learn here so that he doesn't make that mistake again.

What I'm about to say may sound harsh but please take something from my experience...

Your son pretty much immediately violated the deal you and your boyfriend had with him by drinking on the bike. If you don't take the bike away from him, the next time you go to pick him up, it may be from the morgue. He obviously doesn't respect the perimeters of the very generous offer that you gave him. If I were you (again, based on Hard Knocks experience), I would take the bike away (2-3 weeks is not nearly enough time to get his attention) and have him BUY it from you guys at the price you paid for it. He needs to get to and from work? Figure a 'taxi' price and charge him that each time you take him for your time and gas. If he doesn't like it, he can make another arrangement--move closer to work, get another ride etc. He's old enough to live with the 'real life' consequences of his choices. His choice was to get on a motorcycle after drinking. That's crazy even not taking your stipulation into account. I am a single mom with a teenage boy, have a longtime boyfriend and know exactly what you mean about feeling caught in the middle and I empathize. It doesn't sound as if you've stuck to your guns with your son all that much and your boyfriend is asking you to follow through with the agreement you and he made with your son. It sounds tough but reasonable. If your son wants the bike bad enough, he can work to gain it back. Being w/o wheels is a DIRECT result of his choice--great that it sucks for him. If it takes a long time for him to do it, better yet. It will give him time to think about how he will do things different. Of course he's going to be really angry--an oversized version of a little kid being told no--the volume of the anger is just higher. This could be a starting point of your son really being accountable for his actions. Good luck.

Your son is not responsible enough for a motorcycle. He broke the agreement and should have to live with the consequences. When I was growing up, my sister had a good friend who had a motorcycle. His brother did, too. The younger brother was in a motorcycle accident and was killed. The older brother was in an accident while either drinking or on drugs and is now in a wheelchair for the rest of his life. Both accidents were after high school in either late teens or early twenties. I cannot imagine how their mother and father felt losing one son and having another permanently disabled due to the accidents from motorcycles that were purchased by them and given to their sons. My opinion is that kids need to earn things - that they have much more invested in them and are generally more careful with things that they purchase themselves or have a big investment in. (I can get a link for the older brother's story if you are interested)

That said, your son needs to keep his job. He should contribute to figuring out how he is going to get there since he broke the agreement and lost the bike. I think you should sell the bike and use the money to put toward a used car that he can drive when he can contribute at least an equal amount - IF your boyfriend agrees since he purchased the bike in the first place. But the rules should be the same - no drinking - and the threat of a random test may help him see that he can't do it and expect to get away with it. He's already proven that he will drink and drive.

Is there something else going on with your boyfriend? If you are feeling that there are "sides" to choose from, maybe shift your perspective. You should all be on the same side. If there are underlying issues, then maybe you moved in too soon. Even if you move out, that doesn't mean you can't still continue the relationship. I don't know why he would care if you are driving your son to work. What were you doing before he got the bike?

I think your boyfriend is right enforcing the zero tolerance with the drinking. He could have killed someone or himself. He's also underage, which should be a HUGE factor in the punishment. Too many people are injured or killed every year due to teen drunk driving.

I believe you already know the answer, but in "my opinion", is there is no "choice" between your boyfriend, and your son. Children should always come first. you do whatever you have to do, YOU MOVE, whatever, to continue raising this child, because believe me he is still a child, and putting him in an apartment, just so you can continue having the boyfriend, that is absolutely appaling. you might as well throw him in the streets, and give him some drugs so he can cope; If your boyfriend really cared about you, he would care about your son as much;
however, I agree with your boyfriend, regarding the punishment. Although right now you might think that taking away the bike may be extreme, I guarantee you that your son will never drink when he drives after this; he needs to learn that lesson, now that he is still young enough to learn. doing this may very well save his life.
If in the other hand, you give in and in 2 -3 weeks he gets the bike back, the next phone call you get will come from the morgue, and not the cops.

Wow, lots of questions. The biggie, choosing between your son and your boyfriend, is simple. You choose your son. Period. If that means moving out with him, then that's what you do.

As for the bike, I'm 100% with your boyfriend. There was one rule--no drinking and driving. Your son broke that rule, and that is that. As others have pointed out, this isn't a little mistake. The possible consequences are death, lifelong disability, felony record, guilt, etc. If your son only learns of the seriousness of drinking and driving through losing the motorcycle, then it's worthwhile. 18-year-olds make poor decisions, because they never think anything bad will happen to them. By the way, if something bad does happen while your son is driving that motorcycle, whose insurance covers that bike? If it's yours or your boyfriend's, you or he could get sued in order to get at your own insurance policy.

As for taking your son to work, he has to get there somehow. I'm less kind than you are--I'd get online to the DART trip planner, figure out a bus schedule, and tell him to have at it. I don't think your boyfriend gets to make that decision for you, however. If you choose to spend your own time and gas getting your son to and from his job, that is your business and not the boyfriend's.

Good luck to you.

If I come across harsh, I'm sorry. Number one, your son with ALWAYS be in your life till the day you die. If you choose your boyfriend over your son, you could loose your son. I do agree that what your son did was wrong, and he should have a punishment. Take the bike away for a certain period of time, and then very slowly let him have it back for good behavior. Completely getting rid of the bike is a show of authority for your boyfriend, and he's (for lack of a better term) getting off on it. He's never had kids, and never had that much "power" over anyone before. Your boyfriend is going over board. I could see a punishment of getting rid of the bike, and taking that money to buy a beat up clunker of a car, so your son can get to and from work.

For what my two cents is worth. I'd sit down with your boyfriend and talk everything over, and if he's not willing to listen and talk without fighting, or change the punishment (your son needs to get to work. Number one, get rid of the boyfriend. There are other fish in the sea. You need someone that's going to work with you, not against you. And further more, he's NOT your son's father and you can not force that on your son.

I'm sorry if I've hurt your feelings, but I've seen many of my friends start dating a guy and that guy trys to run everyone life and act like he's Mr. big, bad and tough. All it does in the end, is tear that family apart.

I hope I've help even a little bit.

Well, careful what you promise. Your boyfriend is more able to see things cut and dry - the rules are broken and the consequence are dear.

It may be time for your guy to move out and live closer to his work. See if he can locate some roommates to help with the bills.

As for the bike, he had one shot and lost it. If more parents stood firm less kids would get into trouble I think. AND being on a bike is dangerous enough then to be picked up by the police due to drinking. Very serious.

He may have to save his money. Check for Craig's list. Lots of people needing the money and selling bikes for cheap. My neighbor has one for $2500.

Tough to be an adult but if you know anyone that has died in an alcohol related accident, you would be glad this is being taken so seriously. Worse case now, when he is older, he may not be able to pass the background check due to this incident and could possibly be passed over for jobs. (Happened to a friend of mine 9 years after the incident)

This is a big deal and your boyfriend is acting accordingly. I know, I would hate that too with my tender mom's heart. You are not choosing between the two. Make sure your son knows your love for him and help him get on his own. You will always be an arms reach away.
~~~He won't stop loving you.! He'll be a little mad at first but your continued support will relieve the anger.

Good luck to you both and God bless your family, C

I think your boyfriend is right. That was a big rule to break. I feel has a right to sell the motorcycle. Your son could have killed himself or some one by breaking that rule, not only did he break the rule with your boyfriend he broke the law. He is no longer a child he is 18, he is lucky they didnt do more to him. I understand you wanting to stand behind your son, but rules are rules and the law is the law. He made his choice and he should have to deal with the consequences.

Please don't take this as being harsh; I am just speaking what I am thinking. FIRST OFFENSE??? COME ON....He's a teenager. Teenagers do stupid things. I could see if it was the 3rd or 4th time.
DITCH THE BOYFRIEND! Blood is thicker than water. You can't get another son, but you can find another man who can accept you and your kids for who they are.
Good luck to you....

I am a 60 year old widow with a 23 year old college student whom I rarely see since she is out of state. Never choose a boyfriend over your own child, based on my life experience you will regret it the rest of your life. Boyfriends come and go, your family is life itself.

I am sorry to hear that you are in such a predicament, but I have been there myself. I am a single mom as well, my son is eight years old. I have been in a relationship for a few years, but I discipline my child, not my partner. Yes certain things may be brought to his attention, but I dish out the discipline. Your boyfriend gave the motorcycle to your son as a gift. He does not have the right to sell it, it does not belong to him. Yes you had the one rule of no drinking and no riding and your son did not live up to it so there need to be a consequence. You are driving him to and from work so that may be part of the punishment. After about a month let him ride his bike to work and only to work, no where else. He wants to go out, his friends can come and pick him up for that. Gradually he can earn his motocycle back and I am sure that you would have driven the point of no drinking no riding to him even more. He knows what the consequences will be if it happens again. I understand that you, your son and your boyfriend all live together and the rules need to be made and followed by all that live in the house not just your son. At 18 your son is almost an adult, he is a teenage. He graduated from high school and is holding a job, he is a good kid. If your boyfriend gave you an ultimatim then perhaps he may not be the guy for you. The right man will love you and your son regardless of what happens. The right guy will understand, reach out to him and try to connect with him not send him away. Good luck, I know the situation is not easy. You will make the right choice follow your heart.

The deal was--drink and drive--no bike. Sell the bike.

Since it is your boyfriend and not your husband, you are not a blended family. You and your son should move somewhere else until you are married.

Your son is 18, he is not a baby anymore--he should figure things out now--how to get a job, how to get to work, how to keep the job, how to keep the wheels--let him go. He can come to you for advice--you can even feed him if you want to--but he is a man now--cut the apron strings. Do not drive him to work.

Get married. Enjoy the grandkids.

HUGS!

I am a few days late on this, but had to share. In no way do I think it is too extreme. We come from a blended family, so I know how it is to be defensive when your significant other "diciplines" your kids. But, I'm seeing this from a different view point. My husband and I both ride Harleys. Its fun - we love it. However, drinking and riding is so incredibly dangerous. We are both in our late 20's, and I won't say we never drink and ride. We will have a couple of beers, then ride a few hours later. (of course, we both have YEARS of experience on a bike as well as in life). But we have 2 very close friends who were killed after drinking and riding. He is just 18, so it needs to be instilled in him how very dangerous this can be. Motorcycles offer no protection....none. If he thinks he can be ok after riding once, then he will always think that. Sometimes it takes drastic measures to get thru to our kids! Next time, if he chooses to buy another bike, maybe he will be a little more responsible. Hope this helps!

your boyfriend gets pissed off becuase you take your son to work? As apposed to let him become unemployed??? How is that a bad thing? It sounds to me like your boyfriend is basically telling you to choose him over your son, and warning flags go up everywhere for me on that. I have no advice as to what the punishment for your son should be, because I don't know what precidents have been set. Only you know what will "work" for your son's lesson. I would have to tell the boyfriend you are a package deal and he knew that form the start so get real. But that's me. Good luck in finding your way.