Seeking Assistance with My 6 Year Old Son's Behavior Issues

Hi P.,

Sounds like a handful. I experienced with my daughter last year (she was in 8th grade). Her favorite teacher was called to go to Iraq and she very much disliked the new teacher. I explained to her that this behavior was not acceptable and will not be tolerated. I told her that she was not honoring her old teacher by mistreating the new one. I also took things away from her (radio, phone, tv). I told her that until she starting doing what she was "suppose" to do; she could not do the things she "wanted" to do.

Hope this helps.

P.,

First let me say that you get a lot of great advice, but when it all comes down to it, you have to trust your mother's intuition and do what you feel is best for your child. What works with one child may not work for the other.

With that being said, my youngest daughter is 11. She went through something very similar last year in forth grade. I was very frustrated as well. I had 2 parent teacher conferences and volunteered in the classroom about 6 times before I realized that it was not my child that was the problem, it was the teacher. At this point I encouraged my daughter that I was here for her and I trusted her and believed her, and wanted her to talk to me about anything. I made sure that I loved her more than anything and nothing she said to me was going to fall on deaf ears. After the second parent teacher conference when I tried to lovingly explain to the teacher that this is what I observed from being in the classroom doing what she asked me to do. She was very defensive and I tried to be very positive and patient. I calmly explained to her that I do not yell at my child. I do not point out what they are doing wrong in a negative way all the time. At home we try to focus on the positive and redirect behavior in a positive way. i.e. Child I see that you are not chewing with your mouth closed at the dinner table and I know you are responsible enough to make the choice to chew with your mouth closed. After the Christmas Holiday my daughter got into the car at parent pick up crying. When I asked her what was wrong she said that the teacher told her that she needed to stop living in denial and just accept that fact that she was a bad child and move on. I was furious. At this time we had a conference witht the principal. Things seemed to be moving forward in a positive fashion, we had a second follow up conference with the principal where I encouraged some of the positive things the teacher was doing and mentioned a few areas that I felt could improve. A week later my daughter came home in histerics. The teacher had grabbed her by the face. I was out raged.

I say all this to say that your responsibility is to your child first and you may want to look beyond in case there is something that you are not seeing.

If your child's classroom is not a nightmare like my daughters was, here is my last suggestion. Try an honesty reward chart. Tell him that you are not going to punish him if he brings home a red or yellow light, as long as he is honest about it. You are going to punish him if he brings home 5 green lights and then on Friday you see that he was not being honest. I am not saying that you should just look the other way if he is misbehaving. I am just saying that reward him for exercising integrity. In our home we have encouraged our daughters to be honest and not punished them for minor infractions as long as they come to us right away and say I knocked over that candle stick and it broke.

Good Luck, I am sorry for my book, but remember what I said at the beginning trust your self and your mothers intuition.

Many young children are hyperactive due to dietary issues. It is unfair to feed kids carbohydrates at lunch and then expect them to sit still. Did his diet change in the new school?
It may be a good idea to send some protein to school with him, some nuts, etc. Maybe an egg for breakfast rather than cereal. Also most children are in need of fish oil to give them their Omega 3 fatty acids. Kid's Fish oil softgels can be bought at any good health food store. They are not expensive and are vital for growing bodies and brains.

Hi P.,

My heart goes out to both of you. Your son wants to please you -- and that to him, is probably more important than being totally honest about his day. Is it possible for you to call the teacher before your son gets home from school to see what color his behavior really is? That way, you would be able to praise him when he has a "green" day and when he tells the truth. It would also show him that he can't get away with fibbing on his book.

My son is an active, independent 8 yr old. He had a 1st grade teacher who loved him and he was praised all the time. He loved school and did very well. In 2nd grade, his teacher did not like him at all and he was constantly being reprimanded. I volunteered in the class every week and had conferences twice each quarter with the teacher, but nothing changed. Although she made it seem like my son had a big behavior and attention problem, it was quite clear, from what I saw and from talking to other parents, that she was a very strict teacher & definitely did not enjoy teaching 2nd grade boys. My son dreaded going to school and his behavior at home worsened. It was like he was living up to his "bad kid" label that she had given him. I finally requested to move him out of that class, but my son did not want to leave his friends, so he stayed. We survived a very difficult school year, but his self esteem was damaged. He was always frustrated & he called himself dumb all the time. [He never lied to me about his behavior -he didn't have the opportunity -she wrote notes home and called quite often.]

We started giving my child Fish Oil, Magnesium, and a product from the health food store to improve focus in the morning, and Zinc at night. He also is on a low sugar diet and eats a lot of protein during the day. This year my son's teacher is not biased one way or the other, and while he's not the star student, his teacher sees his strengths and weaknesses and she works well with him. He doesn't feel picked on & his self esteem is good. He once again likes school and is getting good grades. He has about 3 days a month when is behavior card is marked. So much better than last year!! He is still challenging at home sometimes, but reading NEW KID BY FRIDAY and 1-2-3 MAGIC has made disciplining him much easier.

(BTW, his teacher this year has 3 sons, so she understands boys. Last year's teacher had one adult daughter. I have a friend with a son in her class this year and she is going thru the same thing that we did. I'm advising her to move him out of the class. If I could go back & do it over, I would move my child.)

Good Luck and God Bless!

It's normal for them when they start school to feel out their boundaries or limits. They are after all kids and we as adults know that it's not always easy to just sit still and listen and be good all the time. I am tough on my son too who is six and in kindergarten. He brings home a color page every day. It should have a green circle on it but every now and than it has a red one on it with number corresponding to his not following direction or listening or sitting still. If it happens every now and than, it's not that big of a deal. If it's all the time, I'd take away his candy, snacks, cartoons, tv, stuff like that. If your son is covering it up, it means he probably understands what he did and that you're disappointed and doesn't want you to be upset with him.. lying isn't good either but atleast it shows he has somewhat of a conscious of what he did. Just be patient and work with him and tell him that you understand it's not easy to always sit still or to always listen but that he has to try the majority of the time.

Maybe there is a personality conflict w/the teacher or your son maybe mimmicking another childs behaviour. Have you spoken with the teacher regarding this. When my son was in kindergarten, I felt they may be a personality conflict with my sons's teacher. Speak with the teacher & your son then draw your own conclusionsI gave it a couple of weeks & was right & requested that the pricincipal move him to another teacher. It was the best move. Both he & I loved the new teacher & she just thought he was the most well behaved, smart child.

we have a lil foster girl that is ADHD and ODD she is on meds now that help, but i talked to her teacher -who she loves- and we realized that the praising is better then the negative. if the teacher can focus and praise when he DOES stay in her seat then when he isnt it isnt the only attention he gets. Her school also does green, yellow and red light. we started the year with some yelllow but then i told her if she gets green 3 days she gets a treat. then 1 week then after 1 month----she went 8 weeks straight with green then we got a yellow a week ago. we talked about it but dint focus so much on it and she is back to greens.
just my two cents maybe it will help!

Dear P.,
Never be embarrassed to express what every mother usually goes through at some point in their parenting. This is the realization that our children are not perfect. It is ok that they are not perfect, by the way, we live in a fallen world, none of us is. Of course your 1st grader is going to always try to give you the impression that they are doing really well, for this pleases you and that is their main job, please mom (& Dad). If this 'behavior coloring book' is an at home project each day, I believe that you may be expecting a little too much of him by way of having to maintain this image of 'perfection' Instead of placing this on his shoulders, perhaps you should just discuss issues with the teacher and then with your child in the presence of the teacher. Together, if this teacher is worth her weight in gold, and hopefully most are as 1st grade teachers, then she will respond with helpful ideas and instruction. This also lets your son know that you and the teacher are on the same page and that you both are going to hold him responsible for behavior exhibited both in and out of the classroom. He will then know you both mean business. Then, having him color the correct color will also tell him that you will not tolerate lying.
However, if this 'coloring book' is a classroom event, you probably need to speak to the teacher's inability to see him coloring green and rectify that problem in the classroom before going home.
Remember, 1st graders are trying to push the 'walls' of their world to see if they move. Once they figure out where their new boudaries are, if all the adults handle it correctly and 'together', they usually fall right back into being the sweet child you always knew they were.

Hope that helps,
K.

I had a similar situation: My daughter was in a young fives program up north where she was well liked by her teacher and she liked her teacher. She was graded well, never had any problems. The next year in kindergarden her teacher grader her more harsly, and commented that she was not using her time wisely. Every time I tried to ask the teacher how she wasn't using her time wisely she didn't have much of an answer for me. I started volunteering in her class to find that she was not given enough instruction and help to accomplish things and because she would get distracted by other children, so she was graded poorly. It wasn't necessarily behavior issues, but I think that sometimes they don't understand what is expected from them. I would recommend making an appointment to sit down with the teacher and your son and go over what is expected and what things he may be doing wrong. I can't tell for sure, but he may not be lying, he may just not understand. I was quick to doubt my daughter as I would ask her about class, but she denied that she had any problem getting things accomplished. This also can be communication between your son and teacher. I recommend getting to the bottom of it now before your son is looked at as difficult, and he only doesn't know what is expected of him. Again, I don't know if this is the problem, but don't be too quick to blame your son, not all teachers are good at communicating with every student, and may seem to be nice, but lack in some areas. Find a way to help him instead of blaming him. Good Luck

PS When my daughter went to 1st grade, she was the star pupil again. Different teacher, different styles, and different personalities.

he may be BORED out of his mind! thats what happened with my daughter.....and i hate to say this because i totally support teachers and everything but there is a chance that she has now branded him as the bad kid. it happens. i really hate to sound like that, but i have seen it happen ( not towards my kid, but a classmate. the teacher was CONSTANTLY yelling at him, and he really wasnt that bad.)

i would look into improving his bahavior then see if you or a guidance couselor could sit in during class one day and see how it really is.

and YES i would also look into cutting back on anything carbs or sugar. i mean REALLY watch his diet.
good luck.

Could it be that he's not getting along with the teacher and her expectations? Is it that the work is more difficult and he's covering up his frustration with bad behavior?

I don't really think his behavior is the issue, I think finding out what's causing his behavior will give you the answer on how to change his behavior.

It sounds like your son is really struggling with a challenge. My oldest is only four, but we've faced a bit of this already.

I know from a lot of reading that kids don't completely understand the concept of a lie until they are a bit older. We can absolutely expect them to tell the truth and let them know there will be consequences when they don't, but their brain isn't all the way developed in that area. He's probably coloring green because he WISHES his behavior got him green. Apparently, at this stage, they think that if they say it happened, it really did happen!

We've had a lot of luck telling my daughter that if she makes a mistake we want to help her with it--help her figure out what happened and what she can do better next time. And she's told us when she got in trouble at school! Honestly, most of the time she's not quite sure why she got in trouble, so I think it helps her to talk it over. And then we started a sticker chart for her good behavior days.

I know your son's a bit older, but I hope that helps. Maybe if you can get him talking honestly, you can find out if there is something behind his behavior change this year.

Go in and talk with the teacher. It is very possible that someone sitting by him has something to do with his behavior. Or someone he is coming in contact with at school on the play ground. When you know he is lying to you he needs to be punished. Like no television, no play time, etc.... If you don't nip it in the bud now you will have serious problems later......

As a former teacher (11 years in K-4) I would definitely ask for a conference with the teacher. I'm curious, do you substitute in that school? You could also ask the aides and cafeteria staff if they've seen this behavior and if anyone (bullies) is instigating it. It sounds to me as if he is trying to get your attention indirectly and may have something he's afraid to tell you, such as someone truly bothering him or even difficulty with his homeroom teacher, who can be changed if handled carefully. If things get worse and that teacher won't try to work it out with you to your satisfaction, I would insist on a conference with the principal. The switch from Kinder to first grade is huge in expectations, but by now things should have smoothed out with a good teacher at hand. Good Luck!