Seeking Help with Discipline for Child 22 Months

LOL!! I'm sorry, but that's funny. I also have a 22 month old and know what you are going thru. My son loves to throw stuff at people/things and that is what gets him in trouble. I don't have a "naughty corner" but thanks for the advice, I'll give it a try.

With both my kids, I would draw a sad face on a piece of paper for when he was naughty. 3 naughty faces meant a time out. Or you can start with 3 smiley faces and cross one out (let him see you do it) every time he is naughty. It worked wonders. For some reason, they just hated seeing the sad faces or crossed out happy faces.

have you tried good old fashion spanking??? 1 or 2 on the bare bottoms usually works and they will remember. Let's get back to basics.

Hmm, sounds like you have not given the methods time to work.
It takes time. Stick to your guns - don't chop and change and they will work. I think he's probably too young for a Naughty Corner, but if he likes it, so what ;-) so long as hes not where you DON'T want him to be and doing anything dangerous... Time out from activity (1 or 2 mins) after you explained what you wanted and he refused. Tons of praise for any right behaviors and ignoring many that you don't want to encourage will help;
Good Luck!

Redirect his inapropriate behavior with similar, but appropriate behaviors.

For example: If your son throws something he shouldn't, say something like, "Cars and trucks are not for throwing. Balls are for throwing. Can you find your baseball? Let's go outside and throw the baseball!!!"

If the behavior continues, simply remove him from the situation, explaining that the behavior is not okay. So if he keeps throwing the cars and trucks, take him to another room and find something else to do there. Chances are, he'll forget all about throwing cars and trucks when there are more exciting things to think about.

Or: If your son hits you, say something like, "Ouch! Hitting faces hurts. Please don't hit faces. It makes mama sad when you hit faces. You can hit my hand, though. Give me a high five!"

This way you're not forbidding your child's actions, you're just showing him a better way to do those actions. At this age, he's not trying to be bad. He's just testing out his limits, and trying to get your attention. If you give him positive attention when he does something good, he'll be less likely to seek out your attention by doing something inappropriate.

N., there's another mom asking the same question as you today on mamasource, so I'll give you the same advice I gave to her. I'm a mom of two boys (4 & 2), so I've been there and am there currently with my younger one. My biggest piece of advice for you is to be CONSISTANT! Stick with your firm-loving discipline, whatever you choose to do. Make the punishment not fun. It may be that he has to clean something, have a time-out without you in sight, have a favorite toy taken away, or whatever creative form of discipline fits the crime. You may have to rotate through a variety of discipline methods, but always have a consequence for him. It may not seem to be working to you, but what you are doing is setting up boundaries. You are letting him know that his behavior is not acceptable and he's not going to get away with it. Even if he "laughs" at the punishment, he'll still get the message that it's not okay with you for him to do what he is doing. Be CALM while disciplining because he is looking to see how far he can push it before you either give in or loose it with him. Staying firm and yet calm is very difficult when you're frustrated and just want him to obey, but it's important to setting boundaries for him. Unfortunately, they don't come out of the womb trained to obey, but with your loving direction it will come. You're "paying your dues" now so that later on in life your mothering job will be easier because you consistantly set the boundaries now. Stick with it, and if you loose it with him (we all do), start fresh the next time. So, consistant-loving-firmness coupled with calmness is my advice for you. God bless!

N.,

Just a few thoughts to add to the advice you have already been given.

Try not to use the word "no" unless it is imperative such as running into the street, touching a hot stove... When it is just a rule try to use the word "don't" or "we do this". Try to always give a choice so they think that they have a part in their life. The choice I mean is one that you choose ie: not whether he wears a jacket but if he wants the blue jacket or the green jacket. If you take a moment you can look at almost any situation and are able to give your son a choice that is appropriate. Need any ideas let me know. I had twin boys that are now 16 and I have a 5 yr. old boy right now. Believe me that my twin boys had me going in circles until I took a different look at the situation.

I believe that taking away something he wants to do ie: going to park, beach, grocery store, help put the laundry into the dryer from washer... works much better than a time out. Although he will test you on it and you need to follow through in whatever you say. I remember walking out of a grocery store, leaving behind a full grocery cart because I had told my kids that if they didn't stop running around I would leave behind all the food that they had helped me pick out (something they loved to do) and we would have to spend the next week eating only what we had in our pantry. I apologize to whoever had to put everything back but this was the best thing I could have done because I NEVER had a problem in the grocery store again. We practically ate oatmeal the whole week but they never forgot why this happened. They had made a choice to disobey and they knew the consequences all they had to complain to was each other.

Pick your battles, sometimes pushing discipline at a time that it is not needed only makes the situation worse.

Hope this helps,

Evelyn

Taking a good parenting class could help you with this. Montessori schools generally offer them. Two things I learned from the class were 1) give the child two choices as to what they could do to avoid punishment and 2) use humor to get through to them. When mine act out I laugh and giggle and they generally stop to see why instead of continue with their nuttiness. Also, whatever discipline you follow should also be done by whoever else watches your child. Good luck!

Hi,
I have 2 boys, ages 3 & 1. Yes, the 2's are terrible but disciplining him now will make him an enjoyable 3 year old so don't give up! What worked with my strong-willed 2 year old was the philosophy from the "Love & Logic" parenting approach. They have books you can check out if you want- short and easy to read. The whole idea is that being downstairs or in the front room with you is a privilege. If he can't behave the right way, then he loses that privilege. We would take our son and put him in his room, door closed, for a 2 minute time-out (1 minute per year old). If he tried to open the door, we'd put the gate up. There is no lecturing- you just say that he is in timeout for whatever it is he's done. Then you leave. After the time out, you greet him cheerfully and act happy to see him. You don't lecture at this point either- just go back to fun life. But the whole point of it is to be consistent. Do the time-outs every time he does something inappropriate.
For the second concern, about him enjoying time-outs, you will find that he won't enjoy being banished from your presence. But some times he will just happily play in his room and that it OK. My son would often just happily play with toys. But when he would come out of time-out, the behavior would have improved so that was fine with me. It is actually a time-out for us too- a break from our kids. And we want them to go in time-out to learn, not just to rage and cry. In fact, if they are happy in time-out, it only makes it easier to recover and move on with the day, rather than calming down a crying child. (Though I do admit it makes us feel like the punishment is working if they cry). But they are learning correct behavior even if they aren't sad.
Whatever you choose to do, do it consistently and calmly. And even if it seems like he isn't learning, in a year you will look back and see how he made tiny changes all year long. Don't give up- constant vigilance!

Dear N.,
There's no problem here except what feels hard to you. It's really fine for a child in the terrible twos to act like he's in the terrible twos. And it's fine for the child to be happy when in the discipline place and even to put himself there. It's impossible for a two-year-old to turn on a particular mood--somber--just because we think it's appropriate. Grown-ups can't do it either, we just pretend. The best time-out system I've heard of involves putting the child there for the number of minutes that correspond to his or her age--so that's a grand two minutes for a two-year-old. Also, the time-out minutes begin when the child is quiet and reasonable still. Time-outs can help but they only do so much and a parent can only want so much from them.

If you completely accept that it's okay for a two-year-old to throw tantrums, and if you accept that your two-year-old may be on the drastic end of the tantrum spectrum (some of us tantrum more than others--that's life), then all you need to have in place are coping mechanisms for yourself. It's always (I do mean always) pointless to talk to a child throwing a fit. He just can't hear you then. Also, reasoning abilities don't kick in till age seven or so, so there's truly no reason EVER to give a two-year-old more than a few simple words of explanation, and that's only when he or she is able to listen. Even grown-ups can't listen when we're having meltdowns or rage attacks.

All you need to do (besides come to acceptance) is be there for your child. There's no need to behave like they've been bad or to be punitive. (That's why it's fine if he puts himself in the punishment spot and giggles there. There's no problem, then, and it sounds like in that moment he's not being bad.) If you can, it's great to simply be with your two-year-old while he's having a fit. Physically remove him (gently, firmly) from any stimulation and just be with him. Don't talk to him, don't put on smiles, but don't put on frowns or scolding looks, tones, or gestures either. Just hold him or lie next to him and be present while he calms down. If he can or does look into your eyes, hold his gaze without putting anything into your eyes. Just look at him to see him and love him. There's so much power in making that connection--again, if he's able. And if he's having a royal fit and you lie down with him and hold him down if that's needed for safety, he will eventually calm down and possibly go to sleep. And if you are simply a calm, steady, nonjudgmental presence, he will absorb that. He also won't decide he's bad, because you won't be telling him he is. Children aren't naughty. They are sometimes out of control. If you're in control of yourself and able to be with him calmly, that's all he needs.

If you have thoughts in your way--ideas that keep you from feeling calm--you may want to learn how to question your thoughts. You can read Loving What Is by Byron Katie, or go to her website (www.TheWork.com) and call the hotline. It's a free service; you just have to pay for the phone call. The person you call will take you through some simple questions so you can look at whether you even believe what you're thinking. All our thoughts that are unquestioned keep us from peace: I'm a bad mother if he has such huge tantrums; I really need to be doing something else right now; This is too hard; I hate him when he's this way--whatever it is. They're all just thoughts, and when we question them we clear the way for calm and kindness to come in.

That's all our children need. They will go through their lives and have tantrums and do things that we think are unkind, disgusting, inappropriate, and so on. It's all just growing up. We can be with them in peace or at war, and one of those keeps us connected and the other divides us and creates a lot of misery for all.

You're fine and your son is fine. It's so amazing that you're choosing to be a stay-at-home mom so young. How courageous of you! Sometimes it takes so much letting go. When they're having a terrible time in the terrible two, you can just make it your job to not be terrible yourself. To be calm and be loving to him and to yourself. Don't tell yourself you've done or are doing a bad job and don't hate yourself for your imperfect moments. Then loving him, no matter what he does, is a cinch. Just be with him and stay calm. He will benefit hugely from being able to trust in your solidity when he knows he has no control over himself.

And don't forget that a no is a no, so choose carefully when you say it. Talk less with small children. They need and respond to very few instructions and explanations. If you've said, we're leaving after we put these blocks away, you need to put the blocks away then carry the child out the door, even if kicking and screaming. Believe me, if your word is good, the kicking and screaming will pass much more quickly. If the child knows you're going to spend half-an-hour saying "We're leaving in five minutes," and "Okay, one more time," when you've said that five times already, then you're creating a kid who will throw fine tantrums. It's not his fault--he just knows you don't mean what you say and of course he will try to get what he wants. When the parent means what he or she says, the child understands. And I'm not saying to override your child all the time. When there's choice, give him the choice. But that mostly comes later. At two, there's time: it's time to go. It's time to eat. It's time for bed. They get that, especially if you follow through. Even for what foods you offer and what clothes you offer, it's easier at young ages to simply offer one thing. If you're feeling expansive, go for two: you may have this or this. If you go into more than that, the child can't keep up. Little kids aren't equipped for a lot of choosing. You can simplify things for both of you and help yourself to stay calm and solid that way.

I hope these things help. You're amazing. Love, Jaya

N. H. Go to the Library and get a book on Growth and Development a great book is called Life Span. It will help you understand a two year old. Remember the two year old wil repeat NO because that's all he hears is NO. Think about it. He's into everything and all he hers is no don't do this no don't do that. He is to young for time out he thinks it's a game. Take him to the park and let him run himself silly.
Two year olds are exploring everything it's a big world out there. If you let him watch TV ( which I recommend you don't) limit it to no more than two hours a day. His little brain is trying to assimble things. You may be sending him mixed messages. A play in tub is always nice for children at that age if you can't get out and let him run off some of that energy. The book is very helpful! P.

Good Morning N.,
I never got into calling any age a name like terrible two's. It just seems to make it a destiny rather than a developmental change. Maybe if you try to pick your battles and get your sense of humor back then no matter what is happening you'll not feel like you've lost control. With three children, I know when I've made something out of nothing and then I'm in full contol mode and I could have handled it with humor. Like "Nice try buddy, now go get your teeth brushed" Then stop talking. See if your lack of involvement in the conversation helps. You might look into The Love and Logic Foundation. They have several books that are well worth the read. The main thing to remember even though your feeling like you have to fix him so he'll be a great adult someday is that you have time to relax a bit with the process. He might just want your attention, so maybe take a deep breath and play a bit more. Finding the balance is not an easy task, but if you remember how you felt the day he came into this world and you held him for the first time, it'll bring you back to knowing what a gift of a child you have. Stubborn smart children are a handful. They are also an asset to this world. Be the blessing and know that you are his gift of understanding that he's trying to find his voice and you as a family are a team. Keep your chin up mom.
L.

Check out the book "Holding TIme" The practice worked wonders for me and my son.

Time to start giving him some choices and stop saying "no". I use distraction all the time instead of allowing my 3 year old and 1 year old to get themselves revved up for a temper tantrum. If they want Jelly beans I tell them they have to show the Easter bunny that they really want them by eating a carrot first. Most of the time they totaly forget about the origonal request by the time they have the carrot in their hands.
One of the reasons you are having problems with disapline is you are reinforcing his negative behavior by laughing at it. He sees this as a game instead of a time to think about other ways of doing things. It won't be so funny after he does it for the thousanth time trying to make you forget about whatever he did to get into trouble.

H. Stanley

He is not yet even two years old, he is too young for discipline. At that age redirection, not punishment, is most effective. Can you give more details on what he is doing that is inappropriate? One of my favorite teachers says "Instead of ___ you may ___" - that smooths him right past resisting the "do not" and gets him onto the "you may." Also at that age less talking is better - just go physically redirect to an appropriate activity. Finally regarding the "no" many kids between 2-3 begin learning the power of "no" and use it even when they don't mean it. www.positivediscipline.com/parents/index.html has a good article on "no" as well as many other positive discipline ideas. There's also a wonderful positive discipline list on yahoogroups.

I totally agree with Eve M. When toddlers are becoming independent, they get sick of hearing NO! NO! NO! They think your attempting to bully them,or take away their ability to think for themselves.Turn it around, and give them options like Eve said.While standing in line at the store,once..I observed A young mother. She had her cart sitting directly in front of the candy and gum. It was as though she was taunting him, because she had the ability to move further up and out of eyes view.He reached his hand over and touched the gum. NO NO NO she said,and slapped his hand He touched the candy. NO NO NO she said again,and slapped his hand again! This went on for a few minutes,and I thought Geeze!!.Why the heck does she think he keeps touching the candy?? she says NO and is slapping him repeatedly...so why would he continue? Because, Its a Power Play.The child feels bullied,and Hes being repremanded in front of strangers. He was visably embarrased.I know, that we all have watched in dismay, as a parent, (almost flaunts) his or her authority over a child. Don't get me wrong, I don't believe a child should get away with throwing tantrums in the store, or running up and down the isles,but Its almost as though some of these people, have to prove to complete strangers, that they are these strict disaplinarians.In my opinion,they are making complete fools of themselves. I'm not suggesting you would do this Eve.I'm just trying to make a point here. When we disapline our children,Its to teach. It's done out of love for them. and to prevent them from getting hurt.It should never ever be done in anger,or to impress others. It hurts me, to see someone,taunting or teasing their child, merely to show muscle.I know many of you here, have had to see that.Sorry I got off track a little here,lol The name of the game here is,(positive) get away from the negative words,and use reverse psychology. After all ...we are more clever than they are! Aren't we? : )

You could try taking away a special toy or privilage and he has to earn the item back by having good behavior. Or try a rewards program. You would make up a chart that he can put stickers on. He could get stickers for being good, and when he got a certain amount of stickers, he gets a treat, a special toy, or an outing.
I know you're probably thinking, he's two, he won't understand. But he obviously understands enough to know when he is suppose to go th the naughty corner, so this should be easy. Be good, get treats.
Whatever you choose to do, be consistent, otherwise nothing will work.

N., I hear ya! It can be so frustrating, so first take care of yourself. I try to take a few breaths (I know it sounds hokey, but if I'm upset that's only going to amp up the situation). We moms need breaks- not just give give give all the time! (Like on an airplane, put your oxygen mask on first!) Then to actually address the behavior, I agree with Vivian: I give choices and apply humor often. He is acting age-appropriate- this stage is about discovering his power and voice. I tried to give opportunities to explore & choose, which diffused much of the "take it anywhere I can" behavior before we even got there. I'd try to keep in mind that my relationship with my daughter and her self-esteem are more important than the situation. I'd look for ways to love her in the hard moments- hold her on my lap and LISTEN to how she felt. If she was being heard, she was better able to listen. My limits were firm where they needed to be, but the more we could laugh and play our way through the day the better. The choice might be to climb into the car seat or be lifted into it, but there wasn't a choice about being in it. Things really changed for us when I gave up the old idea of parenting as "needing to be in charge and obeyed" and adopted the idea of "being there to guide & everyone being respected." hope all the feedback from everyone helps and remember, this too shall pass.

Dear N.,

You have the right idea, but the wrong method. I think that is soooo cute and smart that he now loves his time out corner.

The next time you need to discipline him, just say no and without saying anymore take him to his room, and tell him he has to stay there until he decides that he can not do such and such. Don't say 'anymore' they can't plan that far ahead. Just be consistent and he will finally get the message. Tell him to call out to you, or you check on him in his room when he is quiet to see if he is ready to come out and rejoin the family. You truly can conquer this behavior, being consistent and not giving in one single time.

Telling them one time is all, do not give chances, and don't talk too much. Just be firm. When he comes out give him a sip of water wash his face and maybe a snack. Then make sure that you direct what kind of play or activity he does when he is over the tantrum.

O.K.? Umhum, that will work. Both parents have to buy into this deal.

C. N.

The Strong Willed Child by James Dobson is an excellent book and helped my with my 2nd. child, I now have four! Check it out and see if it helps you. You can go to www.focusonthefamily.com
Good Luck!

Hi N., I would highly recommend Dr. Harvey Karp's "Happiest Toddler on the Block". If you don't have time to read the book you can buy the dvd or get it from your local library. The dvd is only about a half hour long and demonstrates some extremely effective techniques to deal with terrible twos. Good luck. Best, A. B.

Try redirection. For example, if he is trying to get the knives out of the dishwasher (something my son has tried), say, "Uh oh, knives are sharp and can hurt us. Will you help me clean the kitchen table with a rag while I close the dishwasher?". He will most likely say, "yes" and you will have given him the information he needs about staying away from knives, while avoiding a power struggle. Just be creative in thinking of ways to channel his energy towards something productive & away from something inappropriate.

C. : )

You should read IT’S NOT FAIR! JEREMY SPENCER’S PARENTS LET HIM STAY UP ALL NIGHT!: A GUIDE TO THE TOUGHER PARTS OF PARENTING, by Anthony E. Wolf, Ph.D. Book. 1995. When my oldest son was three, we could NOT get along. He would hit baby brother, never do what we asked and fight with us all the time about everything. We tried , reasoning, yelling and even spanking. It didn't work. Then I read the book IT’S NOT FAIR! JEREMY SPENCER’S PARENTS LET HIM STAY UP ALL NIGHT!: A GUIDE TO THE TOUGHER PARTS OF PARENTING, by Anthony E. Wolf, Ph.D. and everything changed. It talks about the "baby self" and the "mature self" and why it is pointless to try and argue with a child when they are in the "baby self" mode (spanking NEVER works with the baby self). It also tells you how to respond to the "baby self" and how to get your children to do what you want without spanking and punishing. I highly recommend this book and I read it again whenever one of my children hits a "difficult" age.

N.~
I agree with Alana, PLEASE DO NOT SPANK!!! It is not necessary!! I recommend that you watch supernanny. She is wonderful and give great techniques. The key to any dicipline is consistancy. You can not give in for any reason. Watch her, I promise that it will help. It has made a huge difference in our home.
J.

It sounds like your "naughty corner" is still too fun. Is he still where all the fun is? My kids go to a corner in the bathroom. Nothing is fun there and there is no people traffic either, unless someone has to use it of course. I got to use a timer otherwise I kinda forget sometimes...oops. If he doesn't stay in the corner, just stand outside the door (leave the door open at this age of course) and listen. Eventually, you won't have to stand there. Good luck! It sounds like you have a really smart little boy who already knows how to push your buttons! ;)

A couple of things we try that seems to work:
When our daughter wants something that isn't safe or appropriate for her, we try to give her options of other things that are more appropriate. Sounds like your son is trying to test you and find areas he can control. Giving him options may help him to feel he is in control. If he can't make a decision or he still wants the item that is off limits, make a decision for him.
Also, with time outs. I recommend putting him in his room, alone. Sometimes we give our kids more attention when they are bad. By putting him alone in his room, you're not tempted to be distracted by the giggling and other antics he may get up to. Once he realizes he's not getting attention for the behavior, it should lessen.

my daughter went through the same thing. she "loved" time outs. after i stopped using them and started taking away objects or privileges and after quite a bit of time, the time outs work great again! i'm sorry i don't have any great suggestions. just keep in mind, "it's normal, it's what kids do, try not to upset yourself or show a lack of control in any situation. he's looking to you to see how he should react too."