Seeking Insight on the Decision to Have a Second Child or Not

We have two kids (2.5 years apart) and we've never regretted it. I was 36 when my second was born, and I'm not saying I didn't occasionally panic about the age thing, but it all turned out okay. I think two kids are fabulous. Just so much fun.

Someone mentioned that two are quadruple the work. That's true sometimes. But--in our family--more often it's less work. They play together a lot and she reads to him. They're just buddies. They even sleep in the same bed. It's hard to imagine that any play group could provide that level of companionship.

Plus, I love my own sister so much. I can't imagine life without her. As our parents age, it's nice to have someone with whom to share that burden.

In the end, I just think that whatever brand of crazy your family sells, it's nice to have someone else who bought it also.

A.,
The only thing I will say is from my personal perspective. I am a 43 year old mom with 4 children, but I am not answering your request as a mom but as a daughter. I have one sister who is 7 years younger than I. My mother died when she was 58 years old from an aneurysm. My father is currently battling congestive heart failure at 66. Very, very soon I will be without either of my parents. Unfortunately our world is cold and impartial, strangers have no concern for one another and friends often find themselves consumed with their own lives. I still have my sister. While my children love me and I love them they must move on with life. They will choose mates, have families and live busy lives. I find comfort in having my sister and knowing that we can enjoy doing things together. We share memories of our mother and all too soon will share memories of our father. I am not sure if this helps, but it is certainly something to consider. Money will ALWAYS be an issue, but it isn't what we make it is what we spend that causes our challenges. In the end you have to live with your decision and rest in feeling you have made the best decision you could. Blessings in 2010.

I have a 2 year 4 month old daughter and 4 month old son and cannot think of only ever having 1 child. Here are MY personal reasons for having a second child and the pros of having a 2nd...

1. We wanted to add to our family
2. I wanted another half me, half hubby product
3. We wanted our daughter to have a friend/playmate/sibling for life so that when we are gone, she has someone to go to
4. Hubby and I can each take a child and have alone time with each of them

Here are some of the cons about having a second, third, etc child:

1. Finances - more diapers/wipes/daycare/etc
2. Less sleep - especially if your first is a light/bad sleeper. YOu definitely get a lot less sleep because now you are worrying about/taking care of/checking up on two kids instead of one
3. Less time to yourself, with your hubby and first child
4. There may be resentment from your first child
5. Having two is not double the work - it's quadruple...not sure how that happnes, but it just does!

That being said, through the sleepless nights and getting up earlier and earlier with my kids, I would not change it for the world. I love seeing my daughter interact with her little brother and look forward to the days they can play together and keep each other company!!

I say go for it!

I agree with those who said that if you do have a second, make absolutely certain it's something you AND your husband both want. Having a second child seems to be a much more life-changing event than having the first. Don't get me wrong, I do realize that it is very life-changing to become parents for the first time. But our second baby completely rocked our world, and not in the greatest sense. Of course she's wonderful, and we're so glad we have her, and we even went on to have a 3rd and are pregnant with our 4th!!!! So I am obviously all for having multiple children. I just know that bringing a second child into the home, when it has only been the 3 of you, is a very difficult transition. If you both decide you want another child, then have one, and your life will be better for it. But if your husband isn't sure, then the stress and difficulties that come with a second child could be enough to end your marriage. I've seen it happen.

I think having a whole brood of children is a blessing, so I am certainly not trying to talk to you out of having more children. I just wanted to encourage you to make sure you do this for you and your husband. Your son will be a great only child, or an awesome big brother. He won't know the difference, and will adjust to whatever situation he grows up in. The most important factor he needs in his childhood is happy, loving parents.

Good luck in your decision. Both of you pray about it, and hopefully your hearts will end up in the same place. But if you can't both totally agree on another child, I would just focus on enjoying your son, and loving each other. God bless!!

cc

I was 34 and my husband was 43 when we had our first after 8 years of marriage. We were both on the fence so God made the decision for us. I stopped working fulltime; started selling antiques on ebay instead. Financially, we learned the difference between wants and needs. One of the best things I ever heard my husband say was that our daughter had brought nothing but joy into his life.
I didn't want her to be an only child. I remember a friend of my mother's saying how difficult it was to have no siblings once her parents became elderly and needed her assistance. We discussed having a second child but the timing was never right; first she was still in diapers, second we moved to a third world country and there was no way I was going to have a baby there.
A year after we moved to Houston I became pregnant with our second. When she was born I was 40. Yep, six years between the two girls. At first, number one was bored with her sister but after time learned to play with her and even now, at the advanced age of 12, still sits on the floor to play Barbies. She is very protective of the younger one and watches out for her, even when she's a pain in the patootie. The eldest is quiet and steady, the youngest is vocal and all over the place. The eldest slept through the night at two months, the youngest slept through the night at 10.
Regardless of their age difference and their personalities, they love one another very much. I know that there will most likely come a time in the future when they could possibly hate each other as well, but I'm sure with the foundation they're building now they will have a strong friendship in adulthood. And when it comes time to put their elderly parents in assisted living, they'll have each other.
And a personal note, in spite of our childhood screaming matches, my younger brother and I are very good friends now. When it comes to our parents, we have each other. After all, a sibling is the closest relative you'll ever have - you have exactly the same DNA.
Good luck in whatever the both of you decide.

it sounds like you want a friend for your first child. which is not a reason to have a second child because there is no way of knowing if your chrilden will get along. i am with your husband on this one. as far as planning, the 4 1/2 year age difference is big enough to wipe out the reason you mentioned having a second. that type of age difference most likely would put your chrildens friendship at a much older age.( after college) five years is a big difference.

In my family we are all about 3 1/2 years apart which worked out great because as one was getting out of a school the other was going in. My oldest son was an only child until this past year and even though he went on playdates and had a lot of friends he would beg for a little brother. Well we now have one and the difference is 8 years and they absolutely love each other. They play alot but he can sstill have his friends he goes to play with. Everyone I know who is an only child always wished for a sibling. Friends just aren't siblings. For your age there are higher risks but my mother had my youngest brother at 35 and has said that she was tired but we helped a little. I think 1 child or 5 children you'll always run into struggles to find time for you and your husband but that's what babysitters are for and you will have to schedule the time. My husband and I even struggled with one but we haven't really seen much difference with 2.

You name some great reasons to have & not have another child but one thing i will add is something we never want to hear which is tragedy, God forbid but what if something tragic happens to your current child. I had my last at 35 & my friend just had her son at 45, age is a factor but not for you yet.

I also have a daughter from a previous marriage. I got remarried when she was 14 so she was basically an only child & now i have 3 addtl children. So I have had an only & children with siblings & my dghtr is envious that she never had a sibling to play with, confide in, etc

Best wishes

A.,
The ultimate decision is between you and your husband. I have an only child. I also have a brother that is 4 years older than me. I had a wonderful sibling experience and we are still close. My opinion is that an only child can learn social skills from play groups and such. But, they do not learn sibling relationship skills. A sibling can teach them lessons that we as parents can not teach. I am now single/divorced. I have considered adopting. I would welcome a step child, but I do not think I will be having another pregnancy.
I will add that if your husband is really against it, do not do it. It will be a strain on your marriage. As far as your time, raising two children is easier than one. I am often my child's playmate. Over time, your children will be each others' playmates and create memories for you. Siblings entertain each other. I wish you the best in your decision.
Take care,
Danabeth

Hi A.,

Our daughter is 3-1/2 and I sometimes wrestle with the sibling or not question though it is resolved for us. We will not have another child for all sorts of reasons, our ages (I'm 47, my husband is 62) and finances right up there. I can tell you that our daughter is thriving. She is polite (most of the time!)She shares and does very well in her pre-school with friends, activities, etc. What I do think has been crucial has been getting her out and about with other children early. At pre-school (she started at 2), she met her best buddy. This little girl's mom and I have become friends, too, and our daughters are really like sisters. Their time together - play dates at both our houses, dance classes and other activities together outside our homes - has helped them both (the friend is also an only child) with sharing, patience, etc. I have friends with only children and friends with two, three, four and five children and it all seems to be about the specifics of their own families and situations. It works well when there is balance, not so well when everyone is overtaxed and overstressed, like everything else in life, I suppose.
So, I guess what I'm saying is that it's very much possible to have a fulfilled, happy, well-adjusted only child.
I would take a hard look at your husband's concerns and really analyze them. Can you afford a second child without real stress? What are the scheduling and time issues likely to be? Maybe he has valid points, maybe not. Either way, you'll never regret having looked hard at all the pros and cons whichever decision you ultimately make.
Best of luck!
J.

I say wait for our husband to be off the fence, regardless of which way he lands. He sounds like a GREAT guy and ultimately having him in the end to share the rest of life with is important (often kids for various resons think there parents screw their lives up and are in no way able to love you and meet your needs the way a spouse can). In addition, I waited until my husband was ready which made my kids 6 years apart. Having 2 is so much harder than having one. Our second did for us complete our family, but the trials and tribulations have been ours and together we are raising both our kids because we both were involved in the decision processes along hte way. I am proud of your for respecting your partner, and encourage you to keep his heart in your hands with your love. Men need this!

Well I hear you on the age side of things. I am 33 and ready to pop any day with our second and if we go for three I want to try and get that one in by the time I am 35 or so. I think having a second baby is a great idea if you and your husband can come to an agreement about it. I am so crazy about our little boy that there was a moment when I thought that he was all we might have. But as he gets older I see so much benefit in him having a sibling to play with and grow with. I had a sister and wouldn't have traded that for anything. She passed away last Jan 5th and I know that I can in no way replace her ever in my mom's heart but I know that she is so happy to have another child. Plus my sis was never able to have kiddos so having me and having grandchildren has been such a light in mom's life in the wake of losing her oldest daughter. It is actually amazing because my sister died a year ago and I am having a child at almost the same time she passed, so sometimes life is just really surprising. I don't say any of this to sound morbid at all, we just never knew life would turn out this way and are grateful for every blessing we have. I think children are a gift and even though their early life is so demanding on us as moms I agree with you that the rewards greatly outweigh the sacrifice. Good luck whatever you decide!!:)

I had 2 and always intended to.
My daughter asked the same question. To get the first one, she had years of taking hormones and then 3 unsuccessful invitro tries. The 4th one was even more involved, PGD (try looking it up on the internet---really stare-of-art in invitro fertilization, but nothing else worked. She had an easy pregnancy. A beautiful baby boy resulted. Both parents were 38.)
At this point, she asked me.
I insisted she try again. I said that I knew 3 families who had just one and lost him/her in tragic circumstances.. I don't know how they survived.
She was considering going through the medical nightmare again. Then, she called and said that she had failed/passed 3 pregnancy tests. Naturally, we were all delighted, and a beautiful daughter was born 16 months after the son. (She had told me that she knew she couldn't get pregnant without medical intervention.)
It was all decided for them.
We all could not be more delighted.
I know that one child cannot take the place of another, but at least you have something left. I may sound very cynical, but all this happens.
Good luck to you.
(By the way, her husband was an only child. Even his mother says she should have had another. Also, no one is ever financially prepared for children. None of us probably would have had even 1 if we had figured all the $ out!!!)

If you are healthy and able, you should have a second child. I have two beautiful children and they are very close. Watching them together is amazing. I also have a younger brother and could not imagine not having him when we were growing up. My mom was an only child and she hated it! To this day, she wishes she had a sibling. She always told me that being an only child was very lonely and that I better have more than one. This of course is just my opinion. Blessings to you!

I can relate. We had our second when I was 35. I won't lie and say everything was great.
It was hard to wake up for feedings. My boys are now 2 and 5. They have so much fun together. And they do fight over toys but it helps them learn how to share. If you think you can get through the sleepless nights, then you will be in for so many rewards! My husband didn't think he could love another child but he does.

Do not give a list to your husband from this website. Do not try to convince him. Do not insist on the 2nd child unless he is behind it 100%. If you are not both sure you want the 2nd child, then enjoy what you have and find ways to make sure you meet your child's needs.

Listen to your husband's concerns and let him know you understand and then let it go. He may surprise you. A child is not something that you compromise on.

From my own perspective of being an only child, then a half-sister and stepsister, I can honestly say that the age span between your children would not be an issue and probably would be beneficial in easing some of the stress on you as parents. My sisters and I are extremely close despite a 10 year and 4 year difference.

As to having a child to ensure your child is not an only child? It really is the wrong reason. Have a second child because that is really what BOTH of you want. Your only child will adjust just fine either way.

If your husband is not completely in agreement, pushing him one way or another can cause long term marital problems and make him feel devalued and alienated or that he is not enough.

Search your heart, determine why you REALLY want another child...then talk to your husband about what is in your heart and ways you can both meet those needs.

When I was preg with my third (a surprise I was NOT happy about) a friend said to me that you never regret having them, but you may regret not having them.

Having said that, you BOTH need to be on the same page. Your husband may resent you if he feels you left him out of the discussion. I have seen this happen in one of my dear friends lives. The child suffers. Dad is distant to the child. Yes, that is the Dads issue, but it spawns all kinds of other issues.

Tell you DH how you really feel, acknowledge his concerns and try to have some answers for him. He is not correct when he says friends and extracurricular activities will help your son learn the things he would get from a sibling. Being around someone for an hour or two as opposed to 24/7 makes a big difference. I know plenty of spoiled single children who have has every opportunity to "share" but the fact that they do not have to share their parents is the biggest consideration.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

If you are even remotely on the fence, don't do it.

Absolutely, you and your husband need to decide. But, a couple viewpoints. My dad is an only child. Whenever me and my siblings would argue, he would always tell us he would have loved to have had a sibling and we should be grateful we have each other.
My dad was very spoiled as an only child. He was a momma's boy. After he got married to my mom, my mom had to teach him basic life skills. My grandmother did everything for him---not always occurring in families of only children, I know....but probably more likely to happen due to time.

My dad does not know how to share---even NOW! They came to visit several months ago. He never asks what anyone else wants to watch on TV, or listen to on the radio....he just does what he wants to do. He wanted to go out to dinner....he picked the restaurant and never asked anyone else's opinion. He is a wonderful dad and was a great provider to all of us for decades, but you can quickly tell that he is very used to getting his own way. He never had to compromise or work things out with siblings as a child.