Should I Give Up?? (Pregnant by Friend at Basic Training)

Communication at boot camp is very, very spotty, so he may not have the chance to get back to you. If you have emailed, texted, sent him a private facebook message, and talked to his mom, chances are he's gotten the message and simply doesn't want to respond to you, or he can't respond yet or it's very likely he hasn't gotten the news yet. The best way to reach him is to write a physical letter. Maybe you need to face the reality that he doesn't want to be a part of this right now just in case. Even if he DOES want to be a part of it, he won't be able to for a long time, that's the way of army life.

Did his mom tell you she would tell him after 12 weeks? That's next week, right? Call her in 2 weeks. You still have a long way to go. Good luck.

He can't do anything about it while in boot. Sorry to be so harsh. I could only talk to my son three times while he was in boot. That's alll he was allowed.
I could and did write him every day. They do get mail. So be sure to write him a letter. Make sure it states how you have everything covered and all is well and do great at boot, see you in 13 weeks.
Everything my son had on his body was sent home. Including his wallet, underwear and shoes. He didn't take a phone. Your friend's phone may very well be in a sibling's hand.
Keep his mom posted. Call her when you hit the second trimester.
He can have the baby covered with his insurance, once the baby gets here, but you are not a dependent so you do not get Tricare, even while pregnant. So keep your own while you can.

You have reached out to him. He's in basic/boot camp.

If he's contacted his mom, she might have told him. However, it appears that his mom asked you to contact him once you get through your 1st trimester...

So do as she asked and call her in two weeks.

Good luck.

His mom might not want to burden him right now while he's in boot camp.
If you have connection with his mom maybe you should try to talk to her more, she is your childs grandparent, she's probably having a really hard time absorbing this since her son is in bootcamp (that was traumatizing for me when my boys were in) and the fact that he's left a girl behind that is pregnant. Pretty much a mom's worst nightmare. You need to use this time to build a relationship with her while he's away. Try to involve her if you can. But realize she's probably freaked out too, just like you are. She was probably happy her son finally joined the military and was working towards becoming a man, now there's a baby involved as well. Please try to understand what she is going through while you are going through what your are going through.....

You have left messages and you have told his mother. I think you need to just leave him alone. Obviously he must know, but either is avoiding you, or for some reason has not been able to contact you.

Keep notes or a journal, that way if he is interested you can share it with him.

It is now in his court. Stay positive and healthy and continue with your life. He will either float up and take responsibility or he won't..

He's in Basic! He has little to no ability to make calls or get voice mail messages. Give every body some room. He is going through a major life change of his own right now and either may need some time to come to terms or decide how he feels about this.

This was clearly not planned and not a relationship. Give the family some time to adjust their thoughts even while you are going through your own struggles. It is very sad this happened under these circumstances. But, you cannot force him or them to be involved. Try writing him a letter. He'll be able to think through his response better. Good luck to you and your baby. (And remember how he responds may change over the months or even years.....)

As the wife of a former military man, and a woman who has numerous family members who are or were in the military, if he's at bootcamp, you're not going to get a hold of him. It's not like he can get on the computer and check Facebook whenever he wants, or grab his cell phone and chat. He's busy doing PT, paperwork and learning to be a soldier.

He's not going to make it to all of your appointments. Chances are he's not going to make it to any of your appointments. Even when he does make it home (you said he'd be there at 31 weeks) he's not going to be there for long. They'll send him to his duty station.

At this point, you've done almost everything you should. You haven't sat down and written him a letter. When my ex-husband, and my current husband were in boot camp they appreciated any letters that were sent to them. Call his mother and ask her if she has an address where you can send him a letter. Then sit down and put pen to paper. Tell him what's been going on, that you're pregnant, and you're not looking for anything other than him to have a relationship with his child.

Congrats on the little one!

He is in Basic right now, he isnt going to be able to contact or call anyone much. When my now husband was there, I spoke to him maybe once on the phone, everything else was by letters.
Have you tried sending him a letter?

If you have and got nothing back then I think that you just need to take some space, and let him have his. When he gets back then you still have time to discuss what he wants to do and if he wants to be a part of anything. If he says no, then that is what you have to go with and accept it.

You sound like you are doing well, considering that it is just you right now. At least you have medical and all of that. It could be worse...

Maybe when you are further along, you could try calling his mother again and if she blows you off again then you are just going to have to wait for him to get home.

You've tried hard enough. If his mother knows, he knows. Focus on staying healthy and keeping the baby healthy. If you think he would be interested in how you are doing, keep a pregnancy journal. Jot things down after each appointment along with funny or interesting things that happen. Include pictures from the ultrasounds and other "momentos".

When he returns, if he is interested then it's all right there. If he isn't, then you have a great record to share with your baby!

My guess is that he deliberately isn't returning your calls. Many bases only allow limited internet access, so depending on his "rank and behavior" he may not have seen that yet. But... if his phone is "on", then he's not returning your calls.

Stop reaching out to him. Whether you mean for it to look desparate or not, you may appear desparate and like you want something from him. Your first voicemail of "Please call me when you can. I am pregnant and it's yours" sent the message. Everything after that was overkill.

If he is in boot camp then he does not have access to a cell phone or a computer. Write him a letter. I know when I was in boot camp for the Navy, letters were the only way our family members could communicate with us. You could also call the command and speak with someone, there is someone there that would be able to give him a message.

I hate to tell you this but he knows. My son just completed basic training and he received his phone every week (Sundays) and would immediately call home. If his mom knows and you have left vm, text, he knows. He has decided to not contact you for whatever reason. To be honest, I would recommend to my son to not get involved until a paternity test could be done after the baby is born. There are just too many questions. I know you say its his but you have another child by someone else and as a mom I would want to protect my son.

You need to decide what you are going to do. Are you keeping the baby or are you going to put the baby up for adoption? I would not count on emotional support from this young man at this time. You should be able to get child support once there has been a paternity test but you are probably going to be on your own. Thoughts and prayers are sent to you and your family during this emotional time.

He obviously knows because his mother knows. Seems painfully obvious to me he is avoiding this situation and you trying harder to contact him will only drive him further into hiding. I have no advice. But trying harder to contact him is not going to solve any of your problems. I suggest you stop trying for the next several weeks. Your best bet now is to let the news settle and maybe his guilt will prompt him to contact you.

His Mom said after the first trimester what?

Ummmm I think you are in denial about him having anything to do with you...I have no doubt that he knows you are pregnant and doesn't want to deal with it. You are on your own! Perhaps when you are on the rebound again you'll use protection or make sure Daddy #3 remains in the picture.

I don't think he's trying to avoid you. Yes, write him a letter or two & see what happens. That way, you know that you did the right thing & attempted to tell him what was going on.

You definitely need to write him a letter. Depending on the site of the basic training (which post), there are different rules. The one my husband went to allowed only a single phone call at the beginning (within a day or two) to tell family the mailing address and one toward the end to let family know the date/time of the graduation.

I saw on a different post that you said someone told you you weren't "allowed" to have his address. Because you aren't a dependent, the military will not provide you with that information. However, his mother most likely has it, and if she says you're not "allowed" to have it, then she's full of it. Family members are allowed to give the address to anyone they choose to.

I also saw others had recommended sending a Red Cross message. That's a good idea, but it could prove difficult. At least when they are overseas (can't speak for within the states, but I imagine it's probably the same), you have to have a lot of specific information, including the unit, rank, social security number, etc. of the soldier.

Best of luck!

If you have already had conversations with his mom, then he knows about the baby. Her silence is speaking volumes. He may not be able to communicate while at camp, but she certainly could have told you that, or at least updated you on when she'd hear from him again. I suspect he already knows and is going to shirk on a relationship with the baby and you. For all you know, he and his girlfriend are back together and he feels baby and you will complicate things. For all you know, they're getting married or are married.

Then of course, maybe mom is doing some meddling of her own, and is influencing him or even keeping the information from him for her own unknown reasons. Make that her problem, not yours. The last thing you need is to get in the middle of family politics.

For now, move on, so you can get emotionally ready for the next step. Enlist a close girlfriend to go to visits with you. Seek out counseling if you need it. But don't ruminate about this guy. If you told him you viewed your relationship as a friendship with benefits, he's probably sticking to that original plan and agreement you had between you. He wants things to remain strings free and probably assumes that you will have no expectations of him.

If it will make you feel more resolved, you could just write him a letter without the expectation of a response from him....just to be sure he knows.

Again, the American Red Cross can contact him and arrange a 3way call.

I wouldn't say give up but I would say is step back and give everyone breathing room and time to adjust.

You are dealing with the property of the United States Government and what they want him to do. Your needs, wants, desires, wishes for him all come after that. The best foot would be for you to go on your merry way and plan for a single life with this child so that you would/will not be disappointed. It is possible that the child will get medical coverage after paternity is settled.

As a poster mentioned he maybe getting back with the girlfriend who he broke up with (sometimes this happens when people deploy they fight before they leave). There are just so many variables that it would be hard to pick one.

Also you have a mom that has just seen her son off to war and now the news of an unexpected grandchild. That is a lot to take in in a very short time. I know about this and it takes a bit to get over it and to come around (have my own similar personal experience). Wait out the time as requested before you contact his mom as nothing more is going to come of it right now.

Stress is not good for baby so stop. Just make up a baby book for the baby and if dad should want to see it he can. But I wouldn't expect much from him in this situation. He may just be a donor and have no interest. It won't be the first time and it won't the the last time this happens with military situations. Just the next time you have sex use/do something to keep this from happening again.

Sorry to be so blunt but this is a curve ball in life that no one was anticipating that happened. Now you (the family) have to make the best of it.

The other S.
Retired Military Wife

PS May you have a safe and healthy delivery.

First, CALM DOWN! You have everything covered. You don't need anyone to hold your hand. He's at basic; there's nothing he can do for you. Like so many others already said, he may NOT have any kind of communicative ability except letter in right now. Call his mom in a couple weeks (if you want) to update her. Or don't. Does it matter? Focus on yourself, and when he gets out of basic, then talk to him.

E.,

Congrats! I would write a certified letter--that way you KNOW it will get to him and tell him that way. Take care of you and the baby and focus on your future ahead. Think about how you want him to be involved/not involved in this baby's life in the next several months. Hang in there!

M

I would just try to wait it out. You've done enough to contact him.

I'm suprised they are allowed to keep their cell phones at all. My husband was in the Army and he wasn't allowed to make almost any phone calls at all. Almost everything personal they had to give up. They are very very controlling about what they can/can't do or have.

If he knows, he's probably trying to put it out of his head. Basic training is designed to tear you down mentally, physically, and emotionally so the Army can "rebuild" you the way they want you.

Give him some time. You may not hear from him until he's home.

If's he's mad that you didn't try harder, then you probably don't want him in your life. His mother knows - that must have been scary - if you were willing to do that, then you did everything you could.