Shy 5 Year Old

If he were my son i would probably enroll him in several summer activities and wait an extra year for kindergarten. Academics are only part of what makes a child ready for school. The child also needs to be ready socially.
And being older and perhaps bigger than the other students might give him a leg up socially. As far as academics -- there are many, many children being held back like this -- my 5 yr old daughter being one of them. Academically ready but socially not quite.

Its his personality.
He probably does better in small groups or one on one interactions.
Shy kids are that way.

My daughter is shy... as she got older, she is growing out of it. She is now 7. She was like your son. I don't give her a hang up about it nor pressure her. She is in fact, a very mature and observant child... and she makes good decisions about people. She chooses... her friends. She is not a sheep that just goes along with wrong behavior. She is a good kid, and confident despite being "shy."

I don't know that you can 'change' him just over the summer. Things like this takes time.
Maybe have playdates. Invite a child over. Join a play-group maybe.
But don't make him feel that something is "wrong" with him.
Some boys, just mature later, emotionally/socially.

And, it is just his comfort zone as well. So he likes to play with his brother, or you.

Keep in mind, that shyness is not something monumentally "wrong." Many successful geniuses, were shy as a child.
See what his interests are... then nurture that. HIS interests. So that he can feel that its okay to be himself.
My daughter, although shy, is always herself. She is confident that way. I am proud of her.

I know 'shyness' is always looked at as being not so good. But always support your child. When Teachers told me that my daughter is "shy"... I tell them I don't see that as a 'problem' because she is quiet capable and knows herself... and is confident, and CHOOSES friends well. She is socially observant and smart that way. I tell them, I am proud of her... she will blossom and I don't worry about it.

all the best,
Susan

That's great that he has a brother. I think that the best thing you can do for him is what I do with my three-and-a-half son. I praise him often (don't overdo it!). I tell him how great he is and we often use the bus and train, so he has got very used to people. He is sometimes a little shy - that's normal and it is actually quite cute. Anxiety can cause excessive shyness too. So it is worth trying to communicate about that with your son. From my observation, kids go through phases of shyness and it is nothing to worry about.

Even if he doesn't make a close friend, just keeping him involved in activities where he is around other kids will help. Some suggestions:

Sports through the local Y or rec center.
Martial Arts classes.
Library story times, arts and crafts days.
Local childrens museum.
Classes at a My Gym or similar.

Good luck,
K.

The MOMS Club turns over to new Presidents and activities starting in July. Maybe you can call the coordinator that is there now and see if he can join a group of 4 to 5 years old even just if it is 1 or 2 to go meet up places? You can even get in touch with the other moms from the pre-school to make play dates esp. if they will be in Kindergarten with him.
It takes awhile for most kids to warm up and say 'can I have him over' you need to help start that rolling too.My son went to a different pre-school than most in his K class and he had to start fresh. He will not ask and other kids don't always talk to the shy ones..so look into who has boys from the class and ask to maybe have some playdates with those kids -starting now-
Do not try and cure the shyness, just help bring him out a bit with playing.

I wouldn't worry about it too much - actually consider yourself lucky that he enjoys playing with his little brother. My 2-years-apart boys fight like cats and dogs. You could look at it that way.

I'm sure in his own time your son will come into his own and become best buds with someone in his class. There will be different kids in Kindergarten than there were in preschool presumably, so there's bound to be someone he connects with. If your school district does a "dry run" of the school bus for new Kindergarteners, take part in this with him. My kids really enjoyed this, and we did too. Then when we got to school, all the Kindergarten teachers were there, and we went to the appropriate teacher's room for a few minutes where the kids' desks and cubbies were already marked with their names! A big deal. The teacher had each child sit at his/her desk, and draw a picture of themselves for her and write their name below it. And, she had little name tags shaped like school buses with the child's name and bus number on it, that the kids could wear around their neck on the first day of school. This was very helpful, only took a couple hours of our time, and relieved some of the anxiety of starting Kindergarten. If you have time, you could take a minute and give the teacher a heads-up that your boy is on the shy side. I'm sure he's not the only one.

One of our boys had a hard time adjusting to the school bus ride. We live out in the country and they're on the bus for about 45 minutes. One thing that helped him a lot was to carry a family photo with him that he could take out and look at when he felt anxious/scared. This was huge for him, and he "loved" it so much that when he no longer needed it, it was all dog-eared.

Anyway, my point is, don't worry about it too much, I'm sure things will work out. Don't put too much pressure on him to be friends with other kids, I'm sure it will happen naturally, which is the best way anyway. He'll just naturally gravitate towards someone with similar interests/personality.

Good luck!

Your son sounds like my youngest daughter. She was very ready academically, but so shy that I kept her an extra year in preschool to give her time to grow socially. I'm not suggesting you need to do that necessarily, but if he's like her, a group of kids is too intimidating. See if you can arrange some one-on-one playdates - and try to do it without his brother around - at least in the beginning. I know it's very hard, but you could hire a babysitter to occupy the brother for a 1 hour playdate - it's worth the investment if the playdate is with the right kid and they'll be in school together. You say the kids in his preschool don't seem interested in keeping in touch - but would they refuse a playdate if you initiated it? Try to find a sympathetic mom whose values are similar to yours - ask the teachers for help - and your kids are likely to hit it off because they will have been raised similarly (I find that with all my kids' friends that I really like - I also love their parents - the apple doesn't fall far from the tree). If your son is one-on-one with another child, he'll likely have an easier time. You might want to target kids who'll be in school with him, obviously. If the kids from preschool aren't going to be there - see if you can meet with the teacher or principal of his school earlier and tell them your worries. They may know of a child also entering school who they could put you in contact with so your children could meet over the summer and have a buddy before school starts. There may even be another parent with a similar concern, so they could match you up. You also might talk to him about role playing. Does he want to join in, but doesn't know how to approach a group of kids? Give him some chances to act out a scene and what he might say. Give him some lines like "Hi, I'm Joey. That's a nice toy you have there. Would you like to go on the swings with me?" Perhaps there is a YMCA or other organization where he could join a sports team - often some of those kids will end up being in school together, and he'd at least get a chance to practice social skills some more. Good luck - I know it's so hard with a sensitive child.

Kindergarten readiness is not about academics. It's about socialization. Putting a shy and clingy child in a class of 22 for 5 days a week, when he didn't interact in a preschool class of, say, 12, for maybe 3 days, is fraught with problems. Did this come up with the teacher doing pre-K screening? Did it come up with the preschool teachers?

Trying to socialize a child in a 3 month summer when he wasn't socially ready after 9 months of preschool seems to be a tall order. In my experience, you can't rush it. You can enroll him in some summer programs such as town recreation programs where you leave him for the morning and see how that goes.

Otherwise, I would definitely hold him another year - you can do no wrong by doing this. Do NOT let anyone tell you that it's about intelligence or anything else. We held my son (for other reasons) and he never knew the difference.

I would stop talking about kindergarten now. Meantime, find a pre-K program for next year, 5 days a week. If there is a lunch/extended day option, choose that maybe 2 or 3 days a week to get your child used to adapting to new scenarios, people, structures. Particularly if your town has full day kindergarten, this is way too much of an adjustment for your little guy. Depending on the amount of the deposit for preschool, you could always consider sending him to kindergarten in late August if you want BUT it really doesn't sound to me like he is anywhere close to being ready.

Do yourselves a favor - give him a year. Don't over-schedule him, but give him a couple of opportunities. Perhaps soccer in the fall, an art class during the winter, and t-ball or something else creative in the spring. Our son got one organized activity a week, that was it.

If you put a lot of pressure on him this summer to accomplish everything, he'll feel the stress (and so will you) and the transition next fall will be much greater. If he doesn't do well in kindergarten and you have him repeat it, it's a much bigger problem than giving him the gift of a year to grow.

Good luck.

Hi J. L,

I see this a lot. Susan framed this beautifully as not a problem.
What about having more play dates (with neighbors, friends and their children, etc.) at your house, and outside in the yard, and then out at the park (or wherever he is more likely to be comfortable).

When these are going on, try to remain engaged in your own conversations with other parents and not let him see how his angst is affecting you. Yes. It is ok to check on him out of the corner of your eye but some of his reaction may be due to the response he expects from you. Remind him you are there and he is safe and to have fun. He needs to see and know that you are comfortable there. Eventually, he will come around. Model to him that is ok. Good luck! S. A. K., MFT