Sibling Issues - 5 Year Old and 11 Mos

Hi L.,

I went to a workshop yesterday about the new way to parent.

When the 5 year old does something mean to the 11 month old,explain that whatever is not being nice and that the 5 year old has to do something for the 11 month old. This action repairs the relationship instead of destroying it with the old way of taking something away. Find something the child can do for the baby like fixing him/her breakfast Dressing the baby or something to repair what has been done. I hope this helps. D.

I have 3 children 6-9-14. So yeah I get toddler, pre-teen and teen all at 1 time! The two older children are girls and our youngest is a boy. NO MORE FOR ME!!!

My son (6) went thru this stage and well at times is comes back to haunt us! Really all it is - Attention! He loves when I love on him and make him feel like he ROCKS! He wants so much to be a big boy but yet he is still wants to be my little baby boy! When He gets in, what I call these moods, I first give him a Big Hug and then ask him ...What is the problem...are you having a bad day? Usually he will talk to me and say what is bothering him and he will be very surprise that I have takin the time to investigate his problems and talk him thru it. I also try to have a date night for each of the kids. Take 1 at a time and maybe their best friend and go to a movie or dinner or just go to the park. ALONE Time!!! But yes there are days that this does not work. On those days I usually do the time out thing but NOT in the room. The room should be a place that is thiers, a place that they can go to have personal space. I have them choose a punichment. "Sit in time out spot for 5 min. or You can "help" me do this Chore" BEing Cleaning the windows on the door or dusting or vaccumming...he loves to vaccumm. This not only teaches him that this is a punichment but also that he is not to young to help out in the house and needs to help do his part for the family.

Well I hope this helps.

I had similiar issues with my 8 yo when my twins came. Come up with a secret look- like a wink and a smile. Tell her that you want to let her know how special she is to you, and when she sees that look or signal, it's you telling her without saying anything. Use it when she starts to act out. It will cut down on the attention seeking and let her know you love her. It's also your secret signal, that makes it even more special.

Make sure you do spend some time with her, too. Have a special "mommy time" with her. Also, find her "being good" and reward her for that. If she brings you a diaper, praise her for being helpful. If she is playing nicely with her brother, praise her. Having a younger sibling is a big change, especially when the child is older.

This book mught be of some help: Siblings Without Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too by Adele Faber (Author), Elaine Mazlish (Author)

My oldest daughter also had negative reactions when my second daughter was born. It seemed like a roller coaster ride actually, as if she was constantly confused about whether to be happy or mad that the new "arrival" was in "her" home. The age gap was different for us (my oldest was 2 and 1/2 when the second was born) but the only thing I noticed that helped was TIME. We continually tried to find one on one time with the oldest, but as she grew up and realized that the second baby was here to stay, it seemed to improve. Also, one of my friends had "date night" with the oldest - where either she or her husband would take the oldest only out for dinner and/or a movie. That one on one attention seemed to help her.

My daughter was 6 when my son was born and she did the same thing, and still is doing it mildly. I followed two options and they worked for me. First, I definitly made it clear that it was inappropriate, and still do, to tease someone. I also reiterated her age appropriate behavior. "You are a big girl and big girls take care of smaller children." The other option, that worked the best, was/is date day with my girl. Whether we get a mani/pedi or go to the park, she really enjoys this time and I make sure that she does. Good luck and find what works for you!

i had same issues- older kid wants Mommy time exclusively- try to mak e that happen- a speacial lunch date with just her-one on one tiem to read- or pick out a hair bow or go to library or store with JUST her-
see if that specail time with the big sister helps

I had the same issue. I have a 6yr, 4yr, and 10 mo. I set up a special time called "mommy and me time." I would put the baby down (nap or evening) and pull out a special blanket that we would sit on and do something - just the two of us - for 30 minutes. It could be coloring together, reading, painting her toenails, anything that she enjoys. It made a huge difference and we don't do it that often anymore - only when I notice she needs the attention because she's really acting out. It sounds like you're doing a lot of other positive things, too. Good luck!

L. - I am no expert however, it seems as though your little girl is screaming for your undevided attention. Also, she needs to be taught the advantages of having a sibling. Here are a few suggestions:
Make her in charge of something having to do with her sibling. Maybe when you go to the bathroom tell her "she's in charge of the baby." Ask her to put the baby's clothes in the hamper. Do something simple that makes her feel very grown up and big. Something she can do all the time. Maybe she should pick out what the baby should wear.
Next, take some time EVERY day, get down on the ground at her level and talk. It's as simple as that. Ask how her day is. Ask her to role play. This time needs to be just the two of you. She needs the time to decompress and understand her day, the changes in her life and focus on her bond with you. This is her uninterrupted mommy time. Plus, you may learn some amazing things about how she views her life.
I have owned a daycare and these are methods my parents and I have learned and worked out.
Good Luck!
L.

Do you have her help you out with the baby? When I had my second daughter, I really involved her in just about everything with the baby. Always was saying I needed her help, even with simple things such as getting a diaper or a wipe. Anything really...and praised her lots when she did help me and her sis out. Not sure if that would really help you any? I didn't have as big of an age gap between the two, but after my second was born, I really never had any issues of her misbehaving and having a hard time adjusting. Since she is older...maybe she could help you out with the baby even more. I think with my daughter, it made her feel more a part of it...like her sister was OURS rather than this new baby just invading and changing up our family. Maybe you could give it a try if you don't already? Aside from that, I do agree...some special one on one mommy time would be helpful as well.
K.

I have 5 kids, 9- and 10-year-old-boys, a 5-year-old girl, a 3-year-old boy, and a 17-month-old girl. My 5-year-old is having the exact same issues with both of the younger children. I actually remove her from the group when she is not being nice. I have her go play in her room by herself, and she cannot come back until she will apologize. She is then required to "mend the relationship" by playing nicely with whichever sibling she hurt or teased for 10 minutes before she is allowed to go about her business.

She does not always do this willingly and sometimes is sent back upstairs. She has had temper-tantrums and recked her room a few times, but she is required to clean it up, or the toys that she refuses to pick up get thrown out or donated (you only have to do that once or twice- the price of the toy does not matter as much as your daughter's respect--guaranteed your daughter will acquire more stuff, you should see my house with 5 kids worth of toys). All of this is done very matter-of-factly. If A, then B and B always has to happen --it cannot be a threat. There is no anger or frustration in any of this.

The acting out with my daughter is a want for attention. Being removed from the group does not feed into the whole attention thing. All of my children require and receive their individual 1-on-1 time. It does not have to be hours and hours. My 5-year-old loves to help me cook, so when I'm making dinner, she rips up the lettuce for a salad and is happy. My husband or I read to her at bedtime every day
1-on-1 too.

Whatever you decide to do, make sure all the adults in her life are on the same page and reacting similiarly, or she will get confused and play you against each other to get the attention she wants. Most kids try this and how successful they are at it usually mirrors how often you see the behavior.

Good Luck!

L.,
she could be missing the interaction you and her had before your son was born. Maybe take her to a tea party or just spend some one on one time with her. I'm sure if you take one day out of your busy schedule (i say busy because having two kids is busy busy busy!) a week (let daddy watch your son) then maybe the acting out will stop. I personally would do a reward chart, and if she reacts fine 5 out of 7 days (Give her a little adjustment period) then I'd say, you get to pick one activity that mommy and you get to do for 1-2 hours on Sunday. There are plenty of places to take a 5 year old. Not everyone believes in rewarding good behavior, but that's what's effective for my child. Not saying I have an angel, but every kid is different in how they respond to things. Just find what works for you then go from there.

Good luck!
PS. I find that the show on TLC "Surviving Motherhood" has a LOT of good advice. Check your local timings.

B.