I'm a single mom which of course means that I have to be both the dad and the mom. The disciplinarian and the pushover. When I was a kid we knew that mom was the push over and dad was the hard ball. You knew who to ask what from and usually how one or the other was going to react to a situation.
So, my poor son...sometimes when I'm coming to deal with a situation he doesn't know whether to worry about me being the hardball and being upset or stern or if I'm going to come in as the soft one and cuddle. He told me the other day that I'm grumpy a lot. i don't really feel that I'm grumpy, but I feel like in some ways I'm more like my dad than my mom. I'm the type when he's being whiny I'm like stop it or go do it in your room. I guess I'm more stern than my mom was which is a good thing. If I was the pushover without someone to balance it out I'd have one spoiled brat on my hands. I feel bad for him that he has to guess which role I will be.
Any other single moms feel like their kiddos never know if they are going to be soft mom or stern dad?
How about you mamas who are married/in a relationship... are you the hard ball or the pushover?
Thanks! :-)
The GOAL is to try to keep it calm, consistent and middle of the road. That said, I tend to be a pushover, except on certain issues.....
I know what you are saying, but even us married moms do that to them sometimes, lol. I also find that I am more stern with my daughter than my son, a lot of the time. And my husband is the reverse: more stern with son than daughter, often but not always.
I think you are over analyzing and stressing because it is a concern you have. But it is something that your son will figure out and won't be scarred by. Over time he will learn your moods and know (within reason) "who" he is going to get based on your mood and what he is approaching you with, and what manner in which he is approaching you. It's a skill and he will learn it, just like everyone else who learns (or doesn't learn) to "read" people.
It may be that kids that have 2 parents get more practice with that skill, but really... sometimes my husband is a push-over, sometimes you don't look at him funny. The kids have learned (to a large degree) over the years, how to read his mood. I do that too... sometimes I give no quarter, other times I let them whine and give in and am a softy.. they have learned to read me, too. Your son will, too. :)
My Mom raised my sister and me on her own.
You can be loving and tolerate no nonsense at the same time.
I think you can be a good parent without thinking of it as separate roles and if your child has to think of you as a split personality, it's being carried too far.
Being totally a pushover can be too passive aggressive (and if you've ever dealt with someone like that, you know they are much more infuriating than someone you can be sure of).
We (my husband, son and myself) are all on the same page with knowing that privileges are constantly earned by good behavior and good grades, and if the behavior/grades slips - the privileges (tv, recreational computer time, video games, etc) are gone.
There's nothing hardball about this - it's simple knowledge and consistency of the rules - good behavior is rewarded, and bad behavior is not.
I'm married and my kids still have to guess if I'm going to react patiently or go off the deep end in any given situation! I also feel sorry for them. Unfortunately, it has resulted in them not taking me seriously when I do mean business - well, that among other things.
Im the pushover completely. My kids also know that and dont listen to me for beans! So 'Im going to call daddy' works great for me, he is the disciplinarian.
It is hard being both good cop and bad cop. Im sure your son can identify what mode your in and when :) Good luck mama! being a single parent is one of the hardest jobs one can have.
I am consistent. I am fair.
You don't need to be a pushover - ever. My children know that if I can make it happen, I will, but when I say no, I mean no. I don't waffle on decisions. I don't change my mind even though sometimes I really wish I could.
You don't need to change roles, you just need to be consistent. I am a fun mom, but I'm not a pushover. I do things with the kids. I laugh with them and have fun, but when it comes time to settle down, they know it's time.
I am married and we present a united front at all times. Dad is not a pushover. Dad is fair and consistent.
Often, we'll give a maybe as an answer so we have time discuss. My answer to the children is I can say maybe until I think about it and talk to Dad or I can say no now. They always take the maybe.
I believe consistency is the key.
LBC
I'm a single mom but have a great parenting relationship w/ my ex. I feel like I'm fairly balanced. I don't think I'm push over or disciplinarian. I try to say "yes" quite a bit... "You can't do this, but you can do that..." I joke around a lot. I feel like I set it up where my daughter can pretty much predict the consequence of her actions so in that way y will follow x. Its much easier and more fun all the way around. My philosophy, "Can't play the game unless you know the rules" so the rules are all set up and then we play.
If my daughter was whiney, she knows she would NEVER get what she wants. I don't hear a please/thank you. She can forget receiving what she asks for. I'm pretty hard a$$ that way. On the other hand, she is quite sensitive and we talk and cuddle and I soothe and empathize.
I also tell my daughter if I'm in a mood. I would rather her know that I'm feeling "fussy," tired, have a short fuze. I apologize if I'm short or disrespectful. I want her to know that this is what we do when we aren't the best to the people we love. Feelings are different from behavior.
I'm a single mom too and the balancing act I really tough. When it comes to setting limits on inappropriate behavior we have to be consistent in setting limits, but it can be done with kindness AND firmness. It can even be done with humor, given the behavior. We have to adjust given how serious it is. But that's not to say that we are always stern either...we can be soft and cuddly, loving and warm when our kids need support, are crying (not whining) and are behaving themselves. The key is consistency, or they'll run right over us if we're wishy washy or change our minds from "no" TO "YES" when they whine and holler. And yes of course we get grumpy! Don't beat yourself up for that. We get grumpy cause we're tired of doing everything, everyday by ourselves. Who wouldn't be grumpy sometimes. It's ok to say "mommy needs a time out for 5 minutes now" or "I'm sorry I got so angry". A little humility goes along way to teach our kids and model for them that we can make mistakes too but we can fix them or apologize. Seek out books like "positive discipline" and fine tune the advice to what fits you and your child. Take a break for you when you can and spend quality time with your son whenever possible. The fun times will ward off the acting out to get attention. Good luck to you!
I'm the bad cop, partly because that's my nature and partly because I am with them much more than my husband. I overheard my son the other day telling my daughter that "Daddy is nicer than Mommy. If you tell him he owes you a penny he gives you one even if he doesn't really owe you one."
