Smoking Mother in Law

I went through tis with my own mom when she came to visit for a month. We made her go outside!!!! I printed out educational material on second hand smoke and children. Mom or no mom....my kids come first and I have strong beliefs and wishes. When we moved closer to her I didn't take my kids over there because once you walk in that is all you could smell. She has since passed, but her husband still lives there and they will need to gut the place as well. It is h*** o* the holidays because they invite us and we don't go because of the smoking. I feel for you. I would have to crack the whip and say you can not live here if you are going to smoke. It is my biggest pet peeve with people. As far as sealant...I don't know of any, but you will need primer when she moves out and you will probly need to gut the room if she smokes in it. www.livegreeneasy.com

I am saying this as an ex-smoker who smoked for 17 years and NEVER EVER SMOKED IN THE HOUSE WHERE KIDS WERE.......TOUGH for her..if she smokes in the house, she is OUT!!!! She may not have a "choice" to be an addict right now, but she most certainly does have a choice of WHERE to indulge that addiction. Throw up smoke detectors in every room, "fine" her if she smokes as a warning, but kick her out if she sneaks again. No kidding. Your daughter is the most important factor in this equation, and it is your job to protect her from this selfish woman..she just sounds horrible! I feel very badly that you have been put in this position..you who are doing a gracious thing by opening up your home to her. Don't let her manipulate you because she would be "out on the street". Tough.
Have her SIGN a CONTRACT saying that if she smokes first time she gets a fine, second time larger one, third time she is OUT. This is what my parents do for their tenants, and I had to sign the same one when I went to college. And trust me, if I had violated it, I would have been out on my a**!
Good Luck!
ps. If she wants to quit, I can send you an article I wrote on how I did it easily . :)

L., there are options out there for your inconsiderate mother in law. You don't have to have her move in with you. Have you looked into public assistance or HUD housing?? There are other options like senior housing as well (like apts. or condos) that the state - any state - has funds to assist the elderly with housing needs. What would she do if she didn't have any family at all? Check with your local social security/senior assist/health dept. to find out what's available for her. May not be in the town where she wants - but better than subjecting your family to her smoke - which seriously shouldn't be an issue as it's YOUR house and she needs to follow YOUR rules or she doesn't live there - period.
(as it could be a matter of life and death for your daughter).

You should never compromise the health and safety of your family. There are always alternatives. Not to sound cruel but have you thought of putting her in a home. It sounds like she can't or won't take care of her self properly. Your husband should stick up for his family also. Granted it's his mom and she raised him. It doesn't mean he has to put up with her disgusting habits that will inflict harm on his family. I know I sound callous but I draw the line at being a good child when it comes to smoking around my children. I would prefer my mother-in-law not like me than to live with her if she smoked like that. Aren't there any other relatives that could take her? Tell her she has to quit smoking or she can't live with you. It's your home lay down the ground rules and tell her if she doesn't follow them you will kick her out. If she pulls the, "I raised you, you can't treat me like this..." card inform otherwise. She chose to have children and you want to do her the favor of kindness and take her in. You are not obligated to care for her if she isn't going to respect your home and your family. This is coming from a women who whole heartedly intends are caring for her parents/in-laws when they get older. If they smoked I would tell them the same thing. Good luck...

Oh my....I am so sorry for your situation. I wish I had some answers for you. I do not think you can change someone...it just never works. Is it possible to convert your garage into a room for her??? I am serious. If you use the garage, and make it into a nice room, it will be easier to deal with once she leaves...instead of a bedroom in your house.

Also, I don't know as a sealant, but Kilz primer is a paint and sealant that you use AFTER there is a smell on walls or ceilings. It kills any odor..and seals it in...pet urine, smoke, etc. I know it works after the smell is there and you want to get rid of it..I don't know about sealing a wall ahead of time...go to your local hardware store and ask them!

Good luck!!

Why not look into putting her in a low-income, senior hi-rise apartment building? This sounds like a nightmare waiting to happen. If your rules are NO SMOKING in your house then your husband really has to enforce the rule. No exceptions.

I hate to sound mean but in this situation I would NOT let her in your house if she is not willing to respect all of your health concerns---if she ends up on the streets so be it.

The house damage is a major factor but most important--if she smokes around you, you all will get some form of lung damage and possilbly lung cancer--second hand smoke is worse than smoking yourself. Also, cats are very clean animals so if this one is "filthy" she is not taking care of it and sounds like she does not have good hygiene herself--so she does not respect herself so how is she going to respect you? There has to be a away of getting her into another type of living environment. Try calling the social security office or hospital social services departments for more ideas.

I'm sorry for you! Remember, it's your house and it sounds as if you're doing her a favor. Install a smoke detector in her bedroom! And keep on her! DO NOT LET HER SMOKE IN YOUR HOUSE!

Do not let her move in! There are other options, there is always some state assisted living, section 8 or whatever it is. My husband hand rental properties for a while that had tenants who got help with their rent. It sounds like you already know that she is not going to follow the rules and that she is going to disrespect your home and family's health! Don't even open the door, especially because your daughter has an allergy to cig smoke! You can't expect the 14 yr old to be responsible for her ignorant grandmother! You need to put her somewhere else, absolutely no other option! Why risk any type of health or god forbid she starts a fire in your home with your daughter home alone! I think you are opening the door for all kinds of potential risks to your home and family! Just think the number of health problems you will all incur now or over time from this, its not worth it! Its way too serious and it shouldn't even be an option! I think if cigs are more important to her then she needs to learn the hard way, DO NOT LET HER MOVE IN!!!!!!!! Go to your town hall or something and find out what you can do for her, there absolutely has to be other options! Sounds like this will just tear your family apart, once she is in I think it will be harder to get her out and the damage is already done. I'm sorry to be so harsh, but I really think you shouldn't let her in at all! Good luck with everything and I wish you the best. J. T

Dear L.,

You need to get tough on this situation. Your mother-in-law needs to be told that if she wants to live in your home, she'll have to give up the cigarettes. When you have a child that is that allergic to cigarettes, even smoking outside will not help her. You can't expect your daughter to give up her health for your mother-in-law's cancerous habit. If your mother-in-law won't cooperate, tell her she is not welcome in your home. Period!

I am so highly allergic to cigarette smoke, that I've ended up in the emergency room several times when I tried to stay where people were smoking. I married a smoker. He was very good at smoking outside, but the smoke was on his clothes when he came inside. I was constantly taking medication and even went through series of desensitization shots twice. My children were also allergic to cigarette smoke. Besides what health insurance paid, we spent over $10,000 on doctor's bills their first 5 years of life. They also went through series of desensitazation treatments.

Even knowing this, when we would go to visit my inlaws, there were 3 smokers, they would all light up at the same time, but they would run a powerful exhaust fan which helped a great deal. The only problem was that it made our visits extremely cold in the winter, and the kids got colds. When they visited our home, they would smoke outside. They all still smelled like cigarettes. My inlaws are all dead now. One from cancer, one from hardening of the arteries, and the other from complications from surgery for poor circulation in her legs. Think any of this was caused by the cigarette habit? I do.

Living with and taking care of a parent is a difficult thing. My dad lived with us for almost 3 years. I was performing care 24/7 including bathing him and even wiping his butt after bowel movements. Our entire life was dedicated to his care during that time. Our outings revolved around his bowels, because he was incontinent. The situation became unbearable. Our health was affected to the point that our doctor said that dad had to be moved out of our home to where he could be cared for by others. Had my dad been a smoker, we would have not been able to take him in at all.

Research on the internet for Elder Care. Look up the local Bureau or Department of Aging. Is your father-in-law deceased? If so, were they still married at the time of his death? Your mother-in-law may be entitled to his Social Security. Was he a veteran? There are benefits to surviving spouses through the Veteran's Administration that would help pay for assisted living or nursing home. Check with the Veteran's Administration for Veteran's Non-service-related disability pension. There is also the Medicaid Program through the Social Security Administration that helps with long term care if she qualifies. Pennsylvania has a lot of programs that help care for older citizens that help keep them in your home. The costs are based on ability to pay.

Good luck and stand your ground. Every person in your household will be affected by the inclusion of this person in your home. It is not too much to ask that she places the health of those care providers before her killing habit.

Sincerely,
M.

Sounds like M-I-A will not respect your request even before she moves in! Bad idea! I've been in a similar situation with relatives moving in with me, my husband and 3 children and the relative didn't RESPECT my wishes when it came to my children. Some of the incidents were dangerous for them and I was told I was over reacting. Needless to say, the relative is not living with us anymore. My 3 children, ages 3,2,infant at the time, were stressful enough to take care of and the relative made it even worse by going against what my husband and I had requested. Now that the relative is gone and I'm not playing nurse maid/caregiver, my children have a MUCH less stressed out mother and our home is a much better place because I'm in a better place. My advice to you...........think VERY carefully about having M-I-A move in. Set ground rules, ESPECIALLY the smoking issue, after all it is only to protect the most precious gift......who is your daughter! She doesn't have a voice and is depending on you and your husband to protect her! Does M-I-A have other children she can live with or maybe low income housing for seniors. My suggestion to you........look at all your options and really have a lengthy, detailed discussion w/ your hubby about his mother's situation and see if there is an option that can make everyone happy and comfortable. If you are in knots NOW and she's not even there yet, it will only get worse when she is there. REMEMBER: It is not your fault that M-I-A is in the situation she's in and she is not your responsibility..............YOUR DAUGHTER IS. I wish you the best of luck and PLEASE, PLEASE do what's best for you, your daughter and your hubby (I know it's not easy because of the guilt factor) and in the long run, it'll work out for the best!

L.,
Has your husband talked to his own Mother? This should be something (in my opinion) HE should be talking to her about and also keeping you calm by listening to your side of it. This is his house too and I am sure he doesn't want the smoking in it either. (and by the way, cats are not filthy-just depends on the owner and how they take care of them) If your daughter has to be the one to stand up to your Mother in Law (which in my opinion she shouldn't have to as a child) then make sure she does! Your Mother in Law should be greatful that she is not on the street and maybe needs to be reminded of that. I would also ask your husband to let her know that if she can not follow the house rules (adult that she is or not) then she does not get second chances. But in all seriousness, this is something your husband should handle and with full force.
Good luck
Chris

I wouldn't let her smoke in the house AT ALL. It's you're house...make her go outside. Why risk damage to your house and belongings in that room AND risk your child's health? It does sound pretty selfish on her end. If she insists on "sneaking" them in her room, then I don't think there's any other option (since she probably won't quit!) to look into state assisted housing.

I get migraines from cigarette smoke - and I mean if I walk past someone who has smoked. 2nd hand smoke is more dangerous to those around the smoker AND you now have to worry about your daughters health. Assuming there is no way for her to live with anyone else...

1)Forbid it in the house and mean it -painting the walls or giving her a fan tells her you expect her to sneak

2)Sit down and give her options, she is an adult.
a)quit smoking - we will help you do it and pay for patches and hypnosis, find her something to do with her hands, provide money for a hobby or some incentive of 6 mo w/out smoking
b)provide an area outside the house w/ a roof for rain, a fan to blow smoke away from the house for your daughter and of course an ashtray. Detail what you expect in winter and bad weather. If you don't know the answer how will she?
c)consequences...let her know what will happen if she does not respect the rules and then follow through. If this means kicking her out what will the timeframe be and determine where she might live and go visit it so she can visualize plan B to determine if its worth it. Put it in writing BEFORE she moves in so she understands these are conditions of the move.
d)consider keeping the cat IF she gives up smoking. The cat may be dirty but won't harm your daughter and might even clean up in a better environment. That will give her something to focus on IF she quits.

3)print out articles explaining your daughters condition and 2nd hand smoke. Highlight the scary stats. It's one thing to always be told, it's another to read studies that say she's hurting her grandaughter. Tell her smoking in the house is like her slapping her grandaughter in the face. To you they are the same thing. Until you bring the point home she will always see it as a little harmless smoke.

4)Do not expect your 14yr old to do it - it isn't fair and she needs to know she is important enough to be protected. It is also a good lesson for her to learn that you will protect her no matter how hard AND care for grandma no matter how hard - that will pay dividends when you are old! If you offer weak threats about kicking her out and don't follow through how will your daughters teenage years with curfews and rules go? She'll learn quick if you mean what you say

A strong air purifier in the house will help with the smell of it on her clothes and the stuff she brings with her. Remember this is a big change for her if all she does is smoke she will need to replace her habits and you'll need to help there and get her outside help. Praise her and thank her for not smoking and recognize it cannot be easy on her. This may take time and money but less than fights about sneaking cigarettes and eventually gutting her room as well as medical bills for your daughter.

I once told my mother how hard I thought motherhood was, she said, "if you are doing it right, it is hard"

I would either not let her move in or let her know that if she smokes in the house she will need to move. Your child comes first. Her health and the smell of your home are important. It is bad enough that the smell will be very strong on her clothing. Maybe you can get her to quit. I hear shantax works well. My mother and father both heavy smokers quit on it.

Thanks,

T.

Well if you know that she's going to sneak cigs in her room no matter what you say or do, can you put an exhuast fan in her window for her to smoke by? When we had an apartment we had one of those old fashioned exhuast fans at our stove. You know, the kind where you pull the chain and a flap opens up to the outside and an actual fan pulls the steam/smoke outside? It worked really really well for us. When it was raining my husband could smoke right in front of it and it would pull all the smoke outside. They make window fans you can put in a bedroom window that will do pretty much the same thing. I'm sorry you have to go through living with such a selfish person. I hope you're able to get some great advice here!

This is a very difficult situation for you, but you have to stand your ground. When she moves in, kindly and politely remind her of your smoking rules and definitely remind her of her granddaughter's severe allergy. If she starts to act like a child by sneaking and not following your rules, you'll probably have to start treating her like a child. If it were me, I'd probably continuously remind her that she is living in your home now. I'd probably also have to ask her what she would have put up with when her son was a child. I know that you don't want to make her feel unwelcome, but she needs to respect you and your family. Good luck.

I know this isn't what you asked, but have you looked into public assisted living apartments. I know my grandmother lived in one for many years while she was living on Social Security. I believe they determin the rent amount as a percentage of the earned income. So if shes only getting social securtiy they will only take a small percentage of that as her rent. And to be honest my grandmother smoked almost as much as your mother in-law but she was a little neater about it. But we did repaint her apt. quite a few times throughout the years. I'm not sure if this helped. If your in the same area as I am there are public assistant apt. located on High street in Zelienople and buy the library in Evans City. Good Luck:)

Simple...tell your mother in law that if you catch her smoking in the house then she will have to find somewhere else to live. It is YOUR house that she would be violating, not her own. It's YOUR rules...you are being a WONDERFUL daughter-in-law by allowing her to live with you. If she can't respect your rules than she finds a friend to move in with. That's not being rude or unkind, it's taking care of your daughter and your lovely smoke-free house! Good luck!

Oh L., do I ever sympathize with you b/c my mom(ster)-in-law is EXACTLY the same way! Smokes so much she can't even afford packs of cigs, she buys cans of tobacco and papers. OMG! Anyway, she is also the type of person who thinks smoke is not harmful at all and even though my husband and I do not smoke she has absolutely NO respect for that. When our son was born, she would hover over his car seat w/a cig in hand blowing smoke in his face-DISGUSTING! She does know NOT to smoke in our house and fortunately she does live on her own. All I can say to you is keep on her about going outside to smoke, if you and hubby feel she is disrespecting you on an ongoing basis and you both have the same point of view (b/c it is his mother) then whether you actually will or not, but you can always put the "bug in her ear" that you won't continue to live like this and just see how she interprets that. Best of luck to you and again, I feel your pain!

That is awful. You need to be firm from the very beginning to not allow ANY smoking inside. You are kindly providing a place for her to live, the least she can do is abide by your rules. You should not have to permit smoking in your home at a big risk to your child's health (due to allergies) and everyone else's health (second hand smoke is deadly) and to further permit damage to the value of your home! No way. Keep her smoke outside. If you give an inch, she'll take a mile. Be firm from the start. Good luck!

I have an in law who is very similar. She should move elsewhere.

I am sorry you have to deal with this. I will pray it will work out better than expected for you. I am afraid your daughter will be affected just by what your mother in law will bring in on her clothes, So I think the air purifiers are a great idea. Also I reccommend chantrix the drug for your mother in law. My best friend is 65 and she smoked for 50 years. She quit with chantrix and her ss disability medical coverage paid for one prescription. She had to quit for financial resons, more than anything else and it worked for her. Since your Mother in law is finacinally strapped as well,,,,,maybe you could get a Dr. to talk her into it. Again I am sorry you have to go through this. I had my MIL live with me for just a few months, and she was a wonderful lady. It is HARD to live with someone like that even under the BEST of circumstances. I would talk to your local hardware store to see if they recommend anything for the walls. I used a product called KILLS primer in my basement and bathrrom to help as a barrier to moisture, I am not sure if that would help as a barrier to somke or not. I also would install a REALLY sensitive somke detector in her room and maybe an extra one in the closet just in case she gets sneaky, and maybe even a nanny cam to catch her in the act. Explain to her HOW very important she not smoke in your home and that if she does she is out. That was hard to write, and I don't even know her, so you have a hard road to walk. I am so sorry.

This is a really tough situation you are in. I don't know of any sealant and wish I could help you on that front. The only thing I can say is that you need to let her know the rules, the reasons (too much exposure to cigarette smoke for your daughter could end up being deadly if it is already causing facial swelling), and the action you will be forced to take if she can live by them (my action would have to be dropping her off with another relative or if none is available at a shelter). I would explain to her that she is old enough to understand what her addiction will do to your house and your daughter. Your daughter is your responsibility and first priority so as much as you want to help her out, smoking in the house is banned. If she can't keep it outside then she will need to stop completely or find someplace else to live. But you have to mean it. I would, also, tell her that if she is interested in trying to quit for the health of herself, your daughter and the people around her, you are there to help her.

I wish you the best of luck. But as I said, I can see this is a really tough situation and I don't know that she will abide by your rules at all. You might want to set up an appointment for your daughter with an allergist if she doesn't already see one and let them know what is going on as well.

Well, I know I haven't really given you an answer about the sealant. I would check at Home Depot or Lowe's if I were you about that. I hope that in some small way my message is helpful if only to show that someone understands and is supportive of your position. Good luck.

Remember to praise her for what she does right. Sometimes treating people the way we would like them to be pushes them to become that person. Shes already given up her cat so lets hope she is willing to comply with the rest. Is there any way to make a nice place for her to go when she smokes? Tell her how much you appreciate her caring enough about you and your daughter to smoke outside. Then if she tries to smoke inside and you catch her you can explain how disappointed you are in her. If you start off with hardness and paranoia she may be determined to go against the rules becuase of the friction that is already there. Set out you expectations clearly but be positive and she will obey your wishes becuase she likes you and feels a bond with you. (Sound silly but wouldnt you be less likely to do something for someone who was always on oyur back).

Dear L.,

I am curious how your husband feels about this since it is his mother. Is he able to stand up to her? I understand that she is his mother, your mother-in-law, and your daughter's grandmother but her lack of a living situation isn't your fault. Personally, I would sit her down and tell her that if she smokes in the house, you will ask her (make her) to leave-PERIOD. It is a deal breaker and will not be tolerated. Obviously she doesnt care about her health but you can make her care about your daughter's health. You will be able to tell if she smokes in her room. If she does, stick by your rule. It may be a good idea to make a contract that is signed by all of you. I wish you good luck. I had a sort-of similar issue with my mom smoking around my kids when they were at her house. My daughter even almost ate a cigarette butt. I explained to my mother that what she does with her health is her business but my children's is mine. If she wants us to visit or get one-on-one time with my kids, she would need to forgo smoking in the house for that day. Otherwise, we would not be coming. She didn't see them for a while but then decided that smoking wasn't worth it.

It sounds like you and your husband need to do some research. Why don't you look into the assisted living program before you make any final decisions? Cats are not filthy animals if they are properly cared for. This cat you are making her give up, may be a very important part of her life, and especially if she lives alone and has lived alone for awhile now. I do not think it fair to MAKE her give up the cat. I think the only way anyone would be happy in this situation is if you and your husband would help her find somewhere else to live. That way if smoking is that important to her (which I do think is a filthy habit) she can still do that. The only way she will quit is if she wants to quit. And yes your family is your first priority. If your mother in law smokes that much, even if she goes outside, the smoke that lingers on her clothing may still make your daughter's eyes swell. WHy make everyone miserable?

L.,

Its not my mother-in-law, but my sister-in-law that I had the same problem with. She moved in with us for 5 months because she had nowhere else to go. I was constantly finding cig butts all over my yard AND when I would go into my basement (where her room was) to do laundry, it reeked of cig smoke. I don't know if she ever actually smoked in the house or if it just followed her into the house when she came back in.
Plain and simple: Your must sit her down and explain the rules. I sat my sister-in-law down and told her that my house was starting to look and smell like a smoker's house. We do not smoke, don't want our kids exposed to it and don't want any evidence of smoking in or around our house. If she wants to smoke, that's fine with me, but she was expected to smoke in one particular area of the yard, had to dispose of the butts in an ashtray and empty said ashtray every day.
Be sure to be firm, but non-judgemental. Its ok if she smokes, just not in your house. It really sucked for my sister-in-law because she'd have to go outside in the freezing cold to smoke, but that was not my problem.
Also, tell her that you love her and want to support her, but if you catch her smoking in the house OR the house begins to smell of smoke, she'll have to move into a home or public assisted housing. As far as her hands and being filthy goes, its rude, but point it out and ask her to please wash her hands after smoking. You could even go so far as buying some foaming hand sanitizer for her.
Good luck. Its one of the most difficult situations to be in.

Your husband needs to tell his mother point blank that SMOKING IS PROHIBITED at your home. WHat would she do if your home was not an option for her? She can move to a senior living facility or another apt. shared to make it affordable. If she is not able to live independently, she can live in a state funded facility. If she cannot respect your home, then I would not respect her. Forget the paint, that is not going to help the air from being poisoned and killing you and your daughter. Stand firm, you are doing the right thing. Take care, D.

I am so sorry you are having to deal with this, I understand where you are coming from my mom is a very heave smoker i don't want her around my kids and you can smell her before you see her. You don't want to live like that look into government housing there has to be a way she can afford it on social security. and the worst that happens is she cant afford all those nasty cigs. Good luck to you and your family.

There is alot of good advice from Amber. Really though you & your husband may have to make the best choice in regards to your family, especially the concern for your daughter. It would be NEGLECT if your mother-in-law, knowingly lights up her cigarette without regard to the health of her granddaughter who is highly allergic to the cigarettes. You may have to ask yourselves, what may be worse..having your mother-in-law angry with you & your husband (for not allowing her to live with you or kicking her out when she lights up in the house..but good luck getting her out of the house once she is in it)or having your daughter have an allergy attack so bad that she has to be hospitalized because she cannot breathe or worse..stop breathing & loose her altogether. If your daughter has asma, this would be really serious for her to be around any smoker.
As far as alternatives, there is low income housing available. HUD & section 8 housing, that will base her rent on her income. In an appartment type, low income housing, the only thing she would have to pay besides her rent would be her electric, phone, & cable. I would look into alternatives & maybe even call you local Agency On Aging (E.O.A, Equal Opportunity Office) to see if you can find more alternatives than opening your home to your mother-in-law. Who more likely than not will not respect you & your husband's household rules, and would try to rule the home by telling everyone what to do, & refuse to move out once she has moved in. I would really look at ALL Alternatives before opening my home to a nightmare waiting to happen. Especially for your daughter's sake.

Not sure about what to do with the paint, but put your foot down! It's your house. Tell her it's your way or the highway! If she wants to destroy her lungs then so be it, but don't take you, your husband and your daughter with her! If she can't abide by your rules then she will have to leave, it's called tough love. The YMCA has a great program so i hear.