Sometimes This Site Sends Me over the Edge...

See the post about "honorable and integrity." I don't need to snoop on my husband.
If someone has suspicions they should confront the husband.

I don't have to look at my husband's texts. I don't need to snoop. I don't need to look at his phone. period.

I know my worth and so does Bob. This is NOT something I worry about...

Amen! I don't normally snoop, BUT if I want to, I will!!!! Just like he can if he wants to...I DO trust him that's why I don't, but sometimes when I'm bored I'll look at his texts.......

If you look at his texts -- or feel the need to -- then you don't really trust your husband. Period.

Why wouldn't I look at my husband's texts? The same reason I wouldn't open his mail. Call it class, good taste, manners, maturity, respect, whatever. How pathetic would that be? And how boring!? I see our bill every month, almost all his texts are between me and the kids, and a few with his golf/work buddies.
Any woman who needs to check up on her husband like a teenage girl is pretty insecure and clingy IMO. If a man is cheating there will be PLENTY of other signs. A grown and married woman sniffing around on her husband's phone, computer, in his pockets, etc. sounds like a Jerry Springer episode to me!

This is too much for a Sunday night. lol What exactly is your question? Is it ok to snoop? Sure I guess if you want to.

If this site is doing you more bad than good, dont use it.

I am gonna be blunt with this one. No, I typically do not snoop on my husband. If I have to do this and keep him on a short leash to keep him, then I don't need him. I seriously do not have enough energy to check up on him like this.

What if since you are not snooping then your husband is getting away with an affair or inappropriate communication? So, IF I snoop then that will make him not want to have an affair? No my friend. IF I snoop and he feels like I don't trust him than I am probably pushing him away from me. Right? It's not because I feel like I should be a supportive wife it's because I trust him. If I didn't trust him I wouldn't have married him.
HOWEVER...if he started being sneaky and walking off making phone calls and stuff than SURE I would snoop. Just don't feel like I need to at this time.
I know what I am worth and so does he. I have no problem with him looking at my phone and I have no problem looking at his. There just isn't a need to be sneaky about it. That's why it's called snooping...you are doing it without the other party knowing about it. Which means that you don't trust that person.
L.

If someone's spouse is such a stupid bonehead that they leave incriminating evidence on their phone, I don't think they really want to be married.

Just because your husband's phone looks clean and you laugh about it together, that doesn't mean he has never done something you would consider inappropriate. My Droid and Blackberry both have the delete feature...just saying.

You're asking the wrong question and making wrong assumptions here. I trust my husband implicitly in most things. Even though he lies about stupid little things, he's actually a very honest and genuine man who would lay down his life for his family. We live openly and honestly with each other while giving the courtesy of some expected privacy. If I felt I needed to see something that I don't have automatic access to, I trust that if I ask him to show me that he will. I have nothing to hide from him either. We're not suspicious people, but we're not naive about the world or how people can be.

We've had other difficulties in our marriage that we've worked to overcome, and work on daily to maintain. Being suspicious and mistrustful and maintaining that sort of atmosphere when I have no reason to do so is trying to fix the wrong part of the bike that's broken.

I read the other question too, and that lady didn't start out with the intent to snoop. She happened to see something in the inbox when she was reading a message from her daughter. I agree that if you feel a need to snoop, then your relationship *might* be in trouble. However, if you see something suspicious by accident, you'd be foolish not to investigate further. She did the right thing.

What's the actual question? "What if since you are not snooping because it is wrong your husbands are sliding with their affairs?"

What if your husband is cheating, and because you don't snoop he gets away with it longer? What if you are trusting and naive and stupid and the jerk you are married to keeps being a jerk?

If that's the question you wanted answered, it's rather unanswerable -- because if he's cheating, then snooping doesn't change the fact, and it may not even speed up the process of finding out the truth. It's almost worded to blame the victim -- if he's cheating, then you're somehow at fault for not checking his texts or something. I don't know.

Snooping is one way of seeking answers, but by no means is it the only way. I don't snoop because I respect my husband's right to private thoughts and relationships, just like I would like to have. I don't have anything to hide, but I also don't necessarily want him reading things intended for others -- I want to be able to have a communication just between me and a friend, or my sister, without him reading it and reacting to it. And once you read his email, where do you draw the line -- would you open his diary too? That makes me want to jump out of my skin. We all get to have private thoughts and conversations. Suspicions of cheating may make it more understandable, but it's not the only path to finding out what's going on.

If that wasn't your question, then it's not clear what you were asking in the first place.

" KNOW YOUR WORTH! If you have never looked at your husbands texts, do it today"

Wow. I do know my worth. I'm not sure which question you are referring to (you didn't give a referring URL or question heading, so how should we know?) , but I do not need to check my husband's texts. I am not naive. I am, however, someone who married a person they trust implicitly. It's not a question of us being 'open and honest' with each other. To me, it's just absurd. With our schedules, we don't have enough time together as it is. I certainly don't want to spend it going through emails and texts on how "the server went down" or "the firewall is affecting the bandwidth" or whatever the hell else he gets as an IT guy. My eyes would just glaze over, and not with love.... Bo-ring!

And I don't text. Ever. So he'd get nothing on my end.

If someone else wants to do that (share their texts), and finds it fun, great for them. Certainly not for me.

I have known my husband since we were 13 years old. We are now married 30 years.

I have NEVER had any doubt or suspicion of him having anything to hide.. and he can feel the same way about me.

He and I know we are welcome to look at any texts, emails, mail, closets, dressers, cars.. Whatever whenever we want. But I do not feel I need to do this, because I know MY husband.

He is so faithful, I have seen many women flirt with him, Come on to him and try to catch his attention.. He has no interest in them. My husband likes to say, he loved me before he even knew me.

He and I admire good looking people, but we know that no one else will ever love us as much as we love each other.

We were on the verge of a divorce at one point and it was not due to anyone else, it was our immaturity. Nothing to do about our trust..

And so I do not put my energy into mistrust. It is a waste of my love for my husband. I would know if something were up. He is just too open hearted to be able to keep such a huge secret.

Um...I'm not going to look at my husband's texts. That would be a waste of time and not at all entertaining. I have no suspicions that anything untoward is happening and if it were my husband is certainly smart enough to remove any evidence of such. If I were suspicious and felt a need to snoop, then I would...although it wouldn't be snooping since I would probably announce what I was doing and why.

Also, do you understand the term 'condoning'? Because your usage seems off. Are you trying to say it is ok to snoop (which is condoning) or that it is not ok (which is condemning)? I'm confused.

ETA: I'm glad to see you changed it to condemned. I thought I answered the question(s). I don't live by 'what ifs'. What if this, what if that. That is no way to live, in my opinion. I don't check my husband's texts because I trust him and see no need to do so. There is nothing there to see and I have no desire to read the text he just sent to his friend about a video game or to his mom about what time Thanksgiving dinner is. It has nothing to do with my children, turning a blind eye or supporting my spouse and everything to do with trusting him. Incidentally, I told my husband about this rant/question and he just raised his eyebrow and handed me his phone. My phone is there if he wants to look at it as is his phone. We trust each other so we don't need to know every little message that we communicate to others.

Ummmm.....no. I don't need to look at my husband's texts to know he is a faithful and loving husband.
It's not because I'm naive, or stupid, or morally opposed to looking at his texts, email, etc., it's because I don't need to.
My husband would not care. We can, if necessary access each others' email accts, etc. Neither of us has anything to his.
I'd rather act like a wife--not a suspicious, insecure warden.
Does THAT answer your "why" part.
I don't put my concern, time or energy into activites that just don't warrant my time or attention.
If someone has to "police" their husband's texts, etc...guess what? The entire marriage is a sham to begin with.
What yuo're describing is kind of weird--you "looking over his texts" "because you can" is kind of odd. BTW, how do you know he hasn't deleted offensive, affair-oriented texts? Oh--maybe because you trust him in the first place?

For me, trust is about TRUSTING the other person, if I trust them, why must I check up on them?

Of course, I have a very biased opinion about this issue because I WAS trustworthy in my marriage, my husband was not, he continuously read my emails/texts (without my knowledge) but always kept his information unaccessable to me. I spoke with an old friend via email about how I was unhappy in my marriage, after years of reading my correspondence, this is the first and only thing my ex ever found to use against me (I had told my husband the things the email said on numerous occasions, but he refused to listen) because I should not have been talking about our marriage to someone outside of it (which I can understand, but the only other person in the marriage with me refused to LISTEN, oh well.)

My thoughts on this are: personal correspondence is and should be PRIVATE, that is why opening someone else's mail is a FEDERAL offense, isn't email mail, aren't texts a form of private communication? I always thought they were, and that everyone KNEW that...see what I get for assuming, a big, fat WRONG, lol! If someone is cheating, it WILL come out sooner or later-and IMO, that was not a healthy relationship. A healthy relationship CAN be damaged by distrust, why take that chance? If someone wants to cheat, they will find a way whether they are spied on or not, but 9 times out of 10 they will be found out.

To answer you specific question: I am not attempting to be a supportive wife/gf/spouse by not snooping, I am attempting to be a decent human being with boundaries, honor and self respect.

Hmm. To me the problem may be with the term "snoop."

"Snoop" implies that someone is are already, before she even looks, suspicious that she will find something amiss. I'm not suspicious that something is "going on." Therefore I don't see any need to go out of my way to actively dig into my husband's e-mails (we don't have Facebook nor do our phones have text capability) The fact that he occasionally tells me "Hey, look at that funny e-mail that so-and-so sent me" lets me know that all is well. The fact that he occasionally calls from work and says, "Can you check my home e-mail to see if such-and-such sent me that thing...." lets me know that all is well.

You write: "What if since you are not snooping because it is wrong, your husbands are sliding by with their affairs, or inappropriate communication?"

Wow. That sentence says volumes. It says that the woman basically should keep tabs on her husband at all times in all ways because the likelihood is that he IS having affairs or communicating in appropriately. It is telling women: Assume the worst and hope you don't find it. "If you're sure there is nothing to hide, look at them [e-mails and texts], and don't feel bad for it." Well, my husband doesn't mind if I see his e-mails anyway, so why should I go digging around in them uninvited, JUST in case? I trust him and his other behaviors give me no reason not to trust his communications with others.

Women whose husbands are behaving strangely, whose husbands get odd calls at odd times, or whose husbands seem to be hiding things-- I can see going into the husband's e-mails then. If a husband were crazily secretive about his e-mails and texts, yes, that would raise a red flag and would make anyone look. But should we go into their e-mails and texts even if they are NOT like that--just to be sure and "know our worth"? I don't think so.

It is because I know my self worth, that I do not need to "check" anything of my husband's. I have far too much to do than to worry about what may or may not be taking place behind my back. If he is or has cheated there is nothing I could do to stop it except keep being myself. He does not complete me, we complement each other and I love him to death, but I don't own him nor does he own me. I am completely open with him and what I say and do is all I have control of, not what he does or say. I'm glad to hear you have a healthy open relationship with your husband, so do I :)

I strongly disagree with your assertion that trust is the same as naivete in terms of a spousal relationship. I trust my husband completely, which I why I don't need to check his email, cell phone, etc. I am not naive, I know that people in committed relationships cheat, but I don't think that checking up on him would make me more "realistic". I also take issue with you imploring us to know our worth by snooping on our partners. Really? I know my worth, and it has nothing to do with reading texts. Incidentally, my husband knows it too, which is why he isn't out with someone else.

I do agree with you that there is nothing to be gained by hiding your head in the sand if you have reason to believe that your spouse is having an affair, but the idea that everyone should be checking up on everyone else goes a bit too far in the other direction. If I suspected my husband was cheating then perhaps I would feel compelled to check his cell phone, but as a regular activity it doesn't appeal to me. Also, maybe others have pointed this out, but if one partner WAS cheating and knew that his/her cell phone was checked regularly by the other, well, deleting anything incriminating and turning over the phone with a smile would give a false sense of all being well, wouldn't it?

Trust is defined as assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something. The day I don't feel that way about my husband is the day I start seriously reconsidering our relationship.

I do not have to look at anything to KNOW my husband would not cheat on me. But at any time I can read anything I want, on his phone, FB page, emails etc. Same for me, we are totally open in that way. What would we have to hide?
It's not considered snooping in an honest, open realtionship. Snooping implies you are looking where you shouldn't be and honestly I cannot think of a situation where either of us would want to keep some thing from the other.

Wow I think it's incredibly rude to read through someone else's texts -- or e-mail or mail or anything. I have nothing to hide but I would find it weird if my husband wanted to read stuff on my phone. That's behaving like jealous teenagers -- not adults.

Obviously you don't trust your husband or you wouldn't be looking for stuff.

I have a healthy marriage of almost 23 yrs and I do not snoop on my husband.

We have a very open honest relationship with each other and there is no need to act like we are in high school checking up on each other.

If there are any questions, we ask.......... we don't go behind each other's backs for anything.

Yes, I have self worth... I am honest with my husband, secure in my marriage and have no need or time to be snooping. It is not being naive... it is trusting my husband, not being eaten up with jealousy/insecurity and a having good self esteem.

So why did you feel the need to preach to everyone. No one is perfect, not even you.

It's crazy when people counter with "but you snooped!" when someone posts that they found inappropriate matter on a cell phone or in an e-mail. So cheating is SO much better than looking at your husband's texts? Some people need that accountability (that's what it is, not snooping).

My husband is always asking me to check his texts or e-mail for him and he does the same for me when I need him to. We have nothing to hide, but I wouldn't feel sneaky looking at his texts - and he wouldn't feel like I was violating his privacy. I know this for sure........just asked him!

I can look at my husbands stuff, but I don't, because it is just rude. He is entitled to some privacy, as am I. IF he gives me a reason to be concerned, than I will look, but he is not a child that needs me looking over his shoulder to be sure he does not say the wrong thing.

I dont think it is a big deal to read each others texts. We arent hiding anything.

Snooping is wrong. HOWEVER, if you have reason to suspect your man is cheating, is hiding a drug problem or something that is harmful, than it is for the sake of your marriage and family in order to research if there is a problem that needs addressed. That goes for teens too. Obviously, gentle care and communication should come first... but guess what, that doesn't always work with liars!

Also, my hubs and I have full access to each other's emails, texts... we can read them any time we want, but his is just full of netflix and gamestop updates and mine is full of junk mail and other stupid stuff. I would think a healthy marriage wouldn't consider that snooping, or feel the need to in the first place.

ps... You never actually asked a question, unless it is veiled in some mist somewhere.

Oh, the advantages of less technology! My husband and I use the same email address, so we have total access to each other's exchanges. Most of which are routine to the point of being boring. We don't facebook except for our business, we don't text, we work together from home and so are privy to each other's phone calls. I have access to his bank statements, and he to mine. We really operate as a team, and I trust him implicitly.

My first husband turned out not to be a person I could trust. It took me awhile to really believe he'd never change, but I finally accepted it and left that marriage.

I don't think that if a husband gives a wife any reason to question his behavior, she should just ignore her concern. But it's something each woman will have to decide for herself, and her decisions may change over time.

Even though I had valid suspicions in my first marriage, I chose not to address them for many years. Why? Because I kept hoping I could win his loyalty with my love, because he kept telling me that that's what a good wife does (according to the culture he grew up in), because I loved him, because I knew how volatile and verbally violent he was whenever I did anything that displeased him. They were all good enough reasons. Until they weren't any longer.

When things were NOT open between my husband and I and I did snoop I caught the fact that he cheated on me in the past. Now I have rights everything. I will go through it whenever I want to. My thought is that he is my husband and I am his wife and NOTHING is off limits. Of course we have our own conversations and things, but if he can send a text, email, or FB message to someone, it should be something he can say to me as well.

Don't let the fact that some women trust their husband's unconditionally get you down. Until I had a thought that something was wrong I never wanted to pick his phone up or check his email...never had a thought to do it.

I think that if you suspect something (womans intuition) then you should check their phone. My husband cheated on me before we got married. I had to forgive and not bring it up again or our relationship wouldn't have worked. I caught him on his phone. This was back before texting so just saw long phone calls to one number. So 8 yrs later he cheated again. I had my womans intuition that he was cheating again. This time he was smarter and deleted the phone calls, but i still knew and that pressured him to end the relationship. He just didnt count on the girl getting so upset and telling me. Yes i divorced the idiot and i have 3 beautiful children by him, which i wouldnt have if i hadnt given him a second chance.
I don't really understand why you would check your husbands phone if you dont suspect anything. I didnt check my husbands phone for 3 yrs and he was a cheater!, because i trusted him.
So what are you looking for? Why do you think he wouldnt erase the messages/phone calls? Specially since he knows you will check later.
Just saying

Ideally, every marriage would be full of love and trust and there would be no reason for snooping. But sometimes spouses engage in suspicious behavior. Some people have a harder time trusting others, because of issues in their past. I'm not saying snooping is necessarily okay, but I don't think it's not NOT okay either. Now I trust my husband 100% and I've never had a reason to go through his texts, etc., but I don't think it's realistic to be blind to the possibility. Some people that I have known who have cheated on their spouses were people that I would never have expected it from in a million years. If I thought my husband was up to something, I would start investigating it - but I don't assume he's up to something either, and then try to confirm or deny my suspicions. If you are feeling the need to snoop, then you need to figure out where that feeling is coming from.

I agree with you that a marriage should be open and couples should be able to share whatever is on the phone, e-mail etc. Therefore one should not need to snoop behind their spouses back. If it's necessary to snoop then the marriage is already in trouble. There is no longer trust.

That being said, I agree that if a woman feels the need to snoop she should view this in its self a reason to start a conversation with her husband. I would recommend the conversation before snooping. But if the conversation doesn't clear things up, then go ahead and snoop to see if you can find the reason for your distrust.

Personally, as long as I was happy I'd rather not know about something that may or may not being a negative on our relationship in my husband's life.

I've spent most of my life without the use of cell phones, computer mail, etc. and have experienced thinking that my so is cheating. I didn't need to snoop to find out. I just asked and was told the truth.

I think your opinion of snooping and mine are different. Snooping to me is going behind someone's back. I don't have to snoop on my husband, I don't have to go behind his back. We are very open with each other. If we are driving and he gets a text, he hands me his phone and has me read it and then respond to it. There have been times where he asked me if I could resend him something I had already emailed, and I will give him my email log in so he can go get it himself. Whoever checks the mail opens the mail. In my opinion, that is not snooping. The only time we stop doing this is during the holidays, because we don't want to ruin any surprises. If there were ever any other time where he seemed more protective of his phone/computer then it would raise a red flag. And then, if I did have a red flag, maybe then I would consider checking his phone/email behind his back. But right now, it is not necessary.

And you already said it, you don't know me or any of the women on here. You have no idea what our relationships are like. So for you to judge someone becuase they don't "snoop" on their significant other is a little ridiculous in my opinion. (and don't say your aren't judging, because based on the tone of your question, you are.)

I don't get why it's considered snooping.

Snooping implies that it's something you're not supposed to do/know/have access to.

I mean... I have things that are private. I don't let anyone read anything I've written for publication UNTIL I'm sending it off to an editor. I'm up front about that, it's a total ego thing. I'm not HIDING it. I write. That's open, and people know it. I just don't want people reading my stuff before I'm ready to. My husband has things that are private (a journal he writes in, music he's composing and isn't happy with yet... etc.). Blogs, texts, phone calls, mail, conversations with other people... If you're HIDING those things from your spouse... there are bigger issues at play.

((Similar... we all bank. The DETAILS of that banking aren't anyone else's business. We don't HIDE that we bank. Either someone has the right to have access to the details, or they don't. To "snoop" one has to not have the right to have access to it.))

Now... I HAVE hidden things from my spouse (like visiting a divorce attorney)... but in general... if you're HIDING things that's NOT PRIVACY.

Snooping = no right to the information that one finds

Hiding usually = that the other person HAS the right to the information they find (like knowing your spouse is looking into divorce; I may not WANT my husband to know... but that's pretty key information in a marriage. Ditto affairs, ditto money expenditure, etc.)

There's a BIG difference between privacy & hiding things.

There's also a big difference between not caring/not needing to know something (it wouldn't matter if one did find out) and when something would have a major impact.

EX) If you brought your husband lunch and overheard a conversation or actions he wasn't expecting you to hear or see (flirting, bashing, stealing, buying you and anniversary present, whatEVER)... is that SNOOPING? EVEN IF THEY "THOUGHT" you wouldn't be there? Or is that CATCHING?

You can't "catch" someone who isn't hiding something from you that you have the right to know.

Just my 2 cents.

I think for a lot of people there is a difference between snooping and open communication. i do not check my husbands phone or computer, but i do expect if I ask who he was speaking with that he tells me. I expect him to carry on conversations without leaving the room and not to switch screens on his computer if I walk behind him. I shouldn't have to spy on him or snoop to know what is going on, he's my husband, I should respect him and myself enough, to believe him when he says he's speaking with so and so, and not need to check. Now if ever it became an issue of him getting caught lying about such things or being secretive I would snoop, I just don't feel that I should need to on a daily basis.

So I guess I take a sort of middle ground here. I would snoop, but I don't think I'm hiding or turning a blind eye to something because i don't. But we're both pretty open about where we go, and who we speak with online or otherwise.

My husband and i feel the same if it's in our house it's both of our business. I look at his phone all the time and recently found a response of his that I found horrible and hurtful. I had women tell me it was childish to snoop! I don't know if I am answering your question or just agreeing with you. I continue to look through my husbands phone and if he had an email address I would look at that too. Not out of suspision but just curiousity. I don't hide it,if he walked in on me going through his phone I would keep on looking. He is welcome to my phone also and probably looks at it.....I know my friend found out about an affair he husband was having by just looking at his phone not even because she thought something was up,just picked it up off the counter and looked at it. She would probably had never known if she hadn't "snooped" That wouldn't have been fair to her.

I don't snoop (haven't felt the need to but could look guilt free if I wanted to). But I also don't think checking is wrong. If you think something is up, then by all means trust your insticts and look. I don't think it's a violation of privacy. If you want to look, you should be able to look and not feel bad about it. Openess is good. If my husband snooped/looked (and I know he has) I don't get upset. We have nothing to hide.

Sorry people are or have been rude. You bring up valid points.

I would snoop if my gut was telling me something was up. To me your gut doesn't lie and if my gut was telling me something, I would question him. I don't condemn anybody for snooping. I am not ok if he cheats and I would not try to work on it. I don't give 2nd chances on cheating.

I don't think there is anything wrong with protecting yourself and your marraige. The best of us have been cheated on. If someone is cheating it is better to know so you can protect yourself and not catch something HELLO that would be the number one on my list. I agree with you about this site women can be so h*** o* others especially if it hit home. I get really mad sometimes reading posts from Mom's who think they have all of the answeres or don't have anything better to do than to put someone down for expressing their feelings. There is only one person I allow to judge me and that is God even if someone that has never been in my shoes does or tries to and it hurts sometimes I really only care about what he says in the end.

I totally agree with you! If there is nothing to hide and our marriages are supposed to be completely transparent then there is no big deal about looking over emails or seeing his phone. I do check his email and phone periodically! He has looked at my phone too especially if it is near him and a text comes through. He has been known to pick it up and ask who its' from. No big deal!

I don't know exactly what your question is. Are you asking if people should snoop or are you asking why people snoop or are you asking why people don't snoop or are you asking why people say you shouldn't snoop or are you asking why people say you should snoop?

ME? I love and trust my husband. He is by far my very best friend. He is SO MUCH to me, and he is crazy about me, too... Snooping just isn't an issue with us, one way or the other. We TALK- about everything, sometimes a little too much. We have fantastic communication. We are also still in our honeymoon phase after 10 years. We are very much smitten:) We are a union, a unit- very together...

Snooping on him? There's no need, or desire or point or curiosity, cause I know everything anyways- because we talk. I know about women who have crushes on him, I know about past girlfriends that have tried reaching him, I know about women he finds attractive, and he knows those things about me. I also know his passwords, just cause- not for snooping reasons, and I use his cell sometimes. Again, not for snooping, just cause. He knows I know them and he knows mine. It comes in handy when I want him to check or do something for me and vice-versa. HELL- I married him. What's a marriage if it isn't like that? No, seriously? How DEEPLY sad to have a marriage where you don't trust.

I never looked at my husband's phone or emails, till one day I had to use his phone and i saw a TEXT.........yep an emotional affair that has been going on for a year and i had NO IDEA , there were no signs that i could see. Texts were there, emails were there...........he did not delete any of them......and i had no idea.......It has been almost 3 years, we made it by God's grace and mercy but believe me I still check it once in a while.He knows it.....I have forgiven, but the scar is still there.
All the women who are critical of you have not been in my shoes,i wish you wrote your post 3 years ago.....THANK U even if it will help one woman it's worth it.

I think you got a lot of answers here, both supportive and judgmental. I feel maybe it was the way your worded it. When its hostile intent and forceful it isnt greeted well on any site or circuit. This is sensitive subject matter. I would imagine its not okay to snoop, but more concerned looking. Snooping is that you do not trust your husband, looking is curiosity as to what he is doing and saying to people. I accidentlly came across something of my husbands when using his lap top to log onto Yahoo so I could chat with my Brother overseas. he gave me permission to use it and his passwords. When i logged on a woman began PM'ing me as if I was my husband. Further prodding and a quick peek revealed he was sex chating with her and many others. After some other searching because of ONLY this, I also was made aware he was soliciting women to come to our home for sex while I was in the hospital next to my dying mothers side. His excuses not to come with was that he was tired from work, and that it was too far away (2 hour drive both ways). He thankfully never successfully got anyone to come but I lost great respect and trust in him. Even though things are fine and great NOW, I still have this nagging fear in the back of my mind I am not fully over yet. I know even if he had an affair he would never leave me and the kids for her, but that is not comforting to me. I wish, I TRULY wish I never looked at that stuff and that I never questioned him about it. I do love my husband so much and understand that he was going through some issues at that time, I do 100% forgive him but I can not yet fully trust him and have a hard time wanting to do anything that requires him to stay home alone. I know my worth, I also know what it would do to tear my family apart. I feel if I dont know about it, I can accept that, if I ever was to meet someone face to face or know about it, I would have to leave and that I do not want to do to my 3 beautiful kids that love their father with all there soul!

I agree with you. I don't necessarily think we should snoop as in trying to find something amiss, although if I suspected something I might snoop. You can call it snooping but I wouldn't care, if I thought something was up, I'd have a right to know. But yes your marriage should be open and the phone mess., emails, etc. should be open for either of you to look at or listen to. If there's nothing to hide why should the spouse be concerned. I think we all need time and space for privacy too though. It's all a matter of balance. If her husband has nothing to hide why so angry about her looking? That's what I would've said to him. The lady didn't seek it, it was one of those things where one thing led to the other. Yes marriage should be about trust, I agree. But I don't know why you said there were wives condoning those that snooped? Is that a typo or am I misunderstanding you? I don't think she was really snooping as much as following a hunch and with good reason.

i think that is is should be the preference of the relationship. If you are the type of person that likes to snoop than im pretty sure your partner knows that. and if her doesn't even better than it will give you a chance to find something. i think if you have nothing to hide than being open is a problem. but i also believe that you will find what you are looking for even if it is a text that has been exchanged by a completely platonic friend. it is easy to read into the wrong things expecially tone of a text. but i think that as long as it puts your mind at ease go for. because whether or not you believe it he is probably looking through your things too. also if you do snoop be prepared to have your feeligns hurt, because if your happy and you dont want your happiness ruined don't snoop live in a cloud. But if you like me and wanna know the truth or wanna know whats goin on READ THEM TEXTS because i definently do. and dont let anyone make you feel bad about it because they probably reading the texts messages too, but don't want to admit it.