Quick bit of history so this doesn't get too confusing. I had my oldest son, who is 9, when I was 17. His dad is not my husband but my husband has taken him in and loves him as if he were his own. I've always been open with my son when he asks questions about his dad. When he first asked why he doesn't see his dad I told him that when he was born his dad wasn't ready for the responsibility. When I told his dad about that and said I'd like them to meet some time he deleted his email account and moved out of state. I had no idea how to find him so I just dropped it. Where I'm working now, I accidentally stumbled upon him. However I haven't made any attempt to contact him. I didn't see a reason to try to contact him. Well now my son is asking to meet his dad. I talked to over with my husband and he feels we should wait until my son is a bit older. But I'm not sure that's the best thing to do.
Does anyone have any advise on something like this? Also, if I do end up trying to get them to meet, what is the best way to do it? I don't want to scare him off again. Oh and I'm not looking for child support if that makes a difference.
Wait until he is an adult.
If you introduce him to a father who wants nothing to do with him, it will only dash any hopes he had about his father being whatever he thinks he is in his own young mind.
When he's 18, he will be much more prepared emotionally, and he will be able to legally make the decision to contact his father by himself if he feels like he should still do so.
I think your husband maybe right on waiting. This man doesn't seem like he is ready to be a father to his son if he up and moved like that. I have an almost 13 year old who loves his biological father very much, but he didn't want anything to do with my son at first. And now only does when it is convenient to him and it hurts my son more than he admits. You can hope for the best but remind your son how much you and your husband love him.
If I were you, I would start conversations about his birth father with him when your husband is out of town. You could go as far as your son wants to go with the conversation. Eventually, you will have to tell him that his birth father is not ready to meet him just yet, but that he will be ready as time goes by. Tell him that people grow and mature after they are adults and that is what you and he have to wait for in this relationship. I feel confident that your nine year old will understand, and be so proud and happy that you treated him like a adult in answering his questions, and having quiet conversations with him.
I am 76 almost and I can remember being 9 years old and some of the thoughts and understandings that I had at that time. We had to live with my grandmother ( in a boarding house, for heaven's sake ) for 3 years from my age of 6 to 9. It was the middle of the Depression and my father went all over the South looking for work after he had lost his long time job at the local bank. He evidentally was the one with the least seniority. I had to understand and deal with a lot of things, and your son can too. Good Luck, C. N.
If your son's biological father has no interest then I wouldn't pursue the issue or meeting. His stepfather is all the father he needs. He doesn't need some strange man who doesn't care about him hurting his feelings. When your son is much older, he can decide for himself if he wants to pursue meeting his father.
Hi B.
I have a son that is 16 and has a dad that is out of the picture but my husband now thinks of him as his own so I know where you are coming from. I think you should talk to your son and make sure that he is ready to meet him. Altimately its upto your son when he sees his birth father. If he thinks he is ready then thats the time to meet him. your husband doesn't really have any choice on when it happens, if your son is ready to meet his birth father the best thing for your husband to do is just be there for the both of you when the meeting does happen just incase is doesn't go as well as you both think it will. and as far as the birth father he has to allow your son to meet him, that way your son will finely find out where he came from and who he came from. If I were you I would contact your sons birth father and tell him that your son would like to meet him, even if its only for ten minutes, it doesn't have to be an all day thing, and see what happens. Good luck with this hope all turns out well.
Your story could be my story. My son is ten now and occasionally asks about his father but I just tell him that he isn't around because he wasnt ready to be a father and we couldn't get along. I always make sure my son knows that it was never his fault but I have to agree that you should wait. If he ran off the first time you broached the subject he doesn't want to do it and trying to make him because your son wants to meet him could only make him either run again or do it and be an ass. You don't want to have that kind of rejection and pain be reinforced for your son. When he is older he will be better equipped for it. If they meet and he makes empty promises and then disappears again your son will be crushed. Give it some more time. Protect him from that pain a bit longer. It just really sounds like the guy doesnt want to be his dad and how painful for your son to have to learn about that at 9. I wish that your son didnt have to be in that position but all our best intentions can't control other people. Your son is very lucky to have you and his dad who love him. Good luck.
I to had a child young, at 16. My daughter is now 9 and her father is not in her life currently. He was the on again off again type for the most part but haven't heard a thing in a year and a 1/2. I have a long time boyfriend who hass been there nore than the real thing. She asks questions and I am honest w/her up to the pint of things she can understand. I don't think I would pursue seeing as the father isn't exactly cooperative. All it would do is get your sons hopes up only for guy to dissapear again with no answers. If I had it to do over I would have done it alone from the get go. WAY less drama....
hi B..
i came across a similar situation. my son was about 9 when he started asking about his absent "father". i knew where he was or how to get a hold of him. i called and invited him over. he stayed around but not for long. he has a family, but never chose to be responsible for any of them. my son is now 13 and now wants nothing to do with his dna donor.
i would talk to your son and make sure he is ready and then contact the "father" and see if he wants to be a part of his life. depending on the situation. i might even line up some counseling. my son is angry and hurt that his "father" lives only 2 miles away and chooses not to be a part of his life. not even a phone call on bday or christmas. no not all kids respond the same but we will never know unless we find out.
best of luck to you on making a decision, i hope everything works out.
P.
Be semi-honest with your son tell him that you don't know where his real father is and that his father does not know how to handle parenthood and he is just not ready right now and we don't know if he ever will be. I know how hard this must be but you don't want to force your son's father to meet your son due to the fact how hurt your son can become if he is rejected by his real father or also if his father isn't ready for the committment of being a father that would be just as bad.Tell him that even though your new husband is not his biological father at least he has that male figure that is there and that loves him very much and when he is old enough (may be 17 or 18) physically and mentally you both together can look for his real father that way you can be there to comfort him and support but right now he is too young for this. Good luck!!!!
I am going through the same thing. I think you should let your son meet his father, if it is possible. My son contacted his grandma an expressed his feelings. His Grandmother stated that she will try to arrange a meeting for the both of them which is fine with me. My son has requested that the day of the meeting that we( myself and his stepdad) be present. I agree to accompany him on his big day. He plans to write all of his questions down.
I hope this helps
Well, let me say that no matter what you choose, it will be wrong to someone. My advice is to get in touch with the bio-dad and see if he even has any interest in meeting your son. See if maybe it was a misunderstanding that he lost contact with you. Maybe he got a good job and moved for that and didn't think twice about letting you know due to his immaturity at the time. You just don't know.
As far as your son, I would wonder why is seeking him at this time. Is something going on in his life to make him feel insecure? Is your husband not meeting a need that he has somehow? It is hard to tell sometimes.
I put my daughter in touch with my ex and she got hurt. He pretended to care and it came out as time went by that he was just interested in how he looked to others, not that he really cared about our daughter.
I would protect your son. That is why you need to get the truth from the bio-dad. If he does not respond, you need to tell the truth to your son. Tell him that he is not a nice man and that you truly do not know why is acting the way he is. Make sure you DO NOT put him down to your son because you don't want you son to feel like there is something wrong with him. Ya know?
Oh...it is so sad when men act like that. I would keep pointing out that he is not his Dad, but the man that made him. His Dad is the man standing right beside you. :)
Good luck!
B.,
I think the best thing to do is yes wait.your sons father knows where you and him can be found if he chooses to contact your son. But so far he has not made an attempt and may still break your sons heart at this age. Your Husband is right. My friend is going through the same thing with his 10 year old where the mom is not in the picture. But his son is starting to realize that his mom doesn't want to be in his life and he is accepting slowly. He now understands. Now on the flip side you may try and contact him and have your son do it so that way he can understand why his dad is the way he is. It may hurt a lot but at least he will know. Good luck and let me know what happens. Poor little guy! He has a great father and dad who is your husband that's what is important.
I am sad to say I have had the same kind of thing happen to me.. When my husband and I got married he had a 2 year old son. I ended up adopting him when he was 5 and have never kept it a from him either. When he was 8 he started looking at pictures and asking questions not too long after that he said he wanted to find his mother. I wasn't sure what to do so I took him to a counclor.. He met with her for a few weeks and "prepared to look for his mother" they talked about his feelings alot and how he thought he would feel if she didnt want to talk to him or pretended she didn't have a son etc. By the 5th or 6th appointment he decided that he was not ready for possible rejection or to have another mother in his life and stopped asking. He is 13 now and still has not asked about finding her again. Good luck with your journey! You are not alone! T.
I would leave it alone. It is what it is...If the father isn't willing to be a part of his life then all thats going to come of pushing him back into your sons life is your son being hurt.
First of all, child support is not only YOUR right, it is your son's right, period. You should absolutely have an order of support. Secondly, I think you should let your son write a letter to the guy... when he's a bit older (say 13 or so?). Then you leave it up to his father to contact him, that way it's out of your hands. If his father calls him back and they decide to meet, you can be the understanding and supportive mother, and if it falls through, the same thing. Your son has a right to ask about his father, but just be careful not to make an idle promises. I think you need to explain to your son that right now his dad isn't ready to be there for him but when he gets older he can try to contact him. But that's just my perspective, I know it's a tough spot to be in. Good luck on whatever route you take!
Hi B.,
Well, this is something I am pretty familiar with. My daughter is not my husband's biological child. I was not as young as you were when I had her though. Anyway, my ex has another child, and they have met. I will say this, it is a very touchy situation. We are in process of adoption to make Sarah legally my husband's daughter as well. That is an option, if your husband is all right with that. It really shows how much love and support the husband/father is willing to give. Our child is 13 months and still does not understand what adoption is, but she knows Tim is her dad. The other guy, is not a father to her. Only you know for sure if it is right to try to have the 2, your son and ex meet. Another option is taking your child to a therapist. Sometimes it is good for children and adults to get out what they feel. It might really make a difference in this case. I have learned that no matter my own feelings, I must not say anything negative abt my child's biological father. She will learn for herself one day. Children are very smart, but are easily scared. You child may feel like he was not wanted by his biological father. Even if that is true, it is bad for him to feel that way and not deal with it. I'll keep you in my prayers....
Blessings,
K
I had the same problem so what I did was told my oldest daughter who is now 21 that her father loved her but was not old enough nor responsible enough to be a dad so he left. I do not feed negative things and since your kids have a dad they will know what love from a man is. If the biological dad wants to have a relationship with his son then by all means you have not negatively charged it. I find that kids are smart so they will figure it out eventually anyway!
D
