Son Is Femmenine

dont worry! a lot of boys take interest in other things because they are learning that there is a difference, and they are just trying things out! dont dont dont worry. its not like he is 5 and deciding to be gay or something. thats just not how it works.

just have patience. if you or anyone else gives him the impression that he "shouldnt" play with certain things, then hes only going to wonder why. he just wants to play, have fun, do things with his friends. theres nothing wrong with him and there also is nothing wrong with doing things without his best friend - its most likely a phase, and though its perfectly normal for boys and girls to be best friends at young ages, its not for any other reason than having fun and playing.

i dont know what else to say. its horrible the preconceived notions that boys have to play a certain way and girls have to play a certain way, nad if there is any variation, then theres something wrong with the child and we need to change them. dont worry! theres nothing wrong with him! just let him be a kid, and dont make it seem like its 'forbidden' or something.

www.askdrsears.com might have some info, otherwise, i know either parenting or parents magazine have gone through this topic. look it up! :D good luck!

My best friend has a cousin who is "femmy" as you put it. He always wanted to wear his sister's clothes, wanted to be a fairy for Halloween, etc. Happily his family embraced him for who he was. He is a well-adjusted young man now. He also happens to be gay. Such is life. We don't choose to be straight so I can't imagine they choose to be gay. We are who we are. If I were you I wouldn't worry about it. His personality will change over the years, although he may always be "femmy."

If a young girl is interested in trucks, playing in the dirt, wearing pants--she is labeled a tomboy, which is by and large an acceptable stereotype.

If a young boy is interested in cooking, dolls, clothes and make-up, we get uncomfortable. Surely something must be "wrong" with him.

So much of what we perceive as "masculine" and "feminine" is dependent upon our culture and the era we live in. Have you seen what upperclass men wore in France in the 1700s? Wigs, make-up, frilly blouses, velvet, elaborate shoes.... This was "masculine" at the time. As recent as 100 years ago in this country, boys and girls were dressed the same until they were around 4 or 5, in dresses and nightgowns. And most people would not call a Scotsman wearing a kilt, "femmy".

My point is, little boys today aren't born with the knowledge that since it's 2009 & you're in the US, you shouldn't wear anything frilly, like pink, or paint your nails, or you'll risk being labeled abnormal. They are conditioned by societal expectations to assume "gender-appropriate" interests. For some reason, it is OK and even liberating for a female to enjoy masculine activities, but we still worry about men who are feminine.

Love and accept your son for who he is and what his interests are at this particular time. His activities, while not "boyish", are not destructive or unhealthy, so long as he is content and enjoying himself. His interests may change as he ages. They may evolve on their own, or once he sees what it is "acceptable" for a boy, or as a result of being ridiculed by the gender-obsessed, or a combination of it all. In any event, he needs his immediate family to be supportive of him, his appearance, and his interests.

If the underlying question is, "Could my son be gay?", no one but your son can answer, and certainly not now, at 5. I wouldn't sexualize this behavior.

Hi S.! I really liked what Molly said. It's perfectly normal for him to want to play with girls. There is also nothing wrong with him wanting painted nails. And pink is no longer gender exclusive. My hubby looks amazing in pink! :)
Also, not wanting to go to the playground just may be a personality thing. My son's t-ball team is 50% girls, my mom played every sport in the book and was all girl. It must go both ways. Your son may not be the athletic type. That's not a problem and doesn't make him any less of a boy. Don't worry too much about it!

Because of some of the posts you have gotten I do want to say that sports should not be forced on children who don't have any interest. At this age sports are for exercise, trying new things and for confidence building. Forcing a child to participate can dash all these things.

I don't even know if I would classify your son as "femmy" but as creative! Find his interests and cultivate them. And DO give him opportunities to make friends with boys. Having friends of both genders will only benefit him socially.
Have a great day!

I also agree with Cassandra's post. Our society is what has put labels on things that are acceptable specifically for girls or boys. I think it is important to let our children decide for themselves what their interests are. Making him feel ashamed for being interested in "girly things," may just cause him to act like someone he's not... which, in turn, would make for a very unhappy boy.

In my opinion, as parents, it is our job to shower our children with love, let them be who they are, and raise them to know right from wrong, so that they become contributing citizens to society. As far as their interests and personalities... that's something we need to make sure they are proud of, and to not let anyone EVER make them feel ashamed of who they are.

S.,

At age 5, kids are exploring gender identity, not sexual preferences and there is a difference. I taught Sunday School to 4 year olds for years and almost all the boys came to class with their toenails painted at least once. It is usually those who don't have brothers and they hang out with mom or sisters a lot. Both my boys went through a phase where pink was their favorite color and I didn't make a big deal of it. My 6 year old wanted a Star Wars birthday cake with pink frosting this year and he got it.

I did once see a mom take it too far. Her son was "feminine" as you put it and she used him to make some kind of a "politically correct" statement. In kindergarten she bought him a Barbie backpack and lunchbox, only bought him dolls, purses, and other traditional girl toys. She told anyone and everyone that these were his preferences like they weren't ever going to change. She dressed him up as a princess for Halloween and she really encouraged him to stay feminine instead of letting him outgrow the phase or explore other likes and interests.

As far as homosexuality goes; we as parents can love our children no matter what choices they make in life but it doesn't mean we need to go around encouraging or condoning behavior that can seriously jeapordize their health or shorten their lifespan. I think our society is blurring that line.

Good luck,
S.

I completely agree with Cassandra. Gender is a social construct. Our society is programmed to assume that 'boy' equals 'masculine' and 'girl' equals 'feminine'. When we compartmentalize our children into one gender or the other we are truly limiting their potential. If more people explored the innate 'other' gender qualities that they posses our society would be much more harmonious.
That being said, let your son be himself. Let him explore pink things and dolls as well as cars and trucks. Just because he's 'femmy' doesn't mean he's gay or really a girl. It means he is a child who is learning about the world around him.
And just love him. Be proud of who he is and encourage him to explore his feminine side...you may surprised and please at what a loving and compassionate little boy you might end up with.

Save yourself lots of angst and help your son be a happy, well adjusted human being by giving up on the labels. He's five. Let him discover who he is without others telling him who he "should" be. Enjoying what he enjoys seems like a great way to show him the love.

My nephew was like this before he was five. In fact, he wore his ruby read slippers everywhere. He had to write what he liked about each kid in his class and for one little girl he said, "She looks great in all the spring colors." He is adorable and we all love him. His mom never said anything about his preferences and let him be himself. We have 60 some members in our family and no one makes a big deal out of his mannerisms. There is no way to know if what his sexual orientation will be in the future and it does not matter. I am sure it will be a change for his parents if he is gay because they are probably imagining him growing up, marrying a woman and having children... but I doubt they will love him any less...it will be their attitudes that will need to change. Right now, they are just letting him be who he wants to be. I think he is in the 3rd grade now and is a little less feminine but I hesitate to even say this because it really shouldn't matter. You are brave for expressing some of your thoughts and hopefully no one will take your email the wrong way and you will get supportive respones.

Hi S.
I went through this with my now 9yr old son. We would take him to the store and he would want to go to the shoe deparment instead of the toy department. He would try on every pair of shoes he could. He has always been very into his clothing. Everything must match look good. He is now 9yrs old and all boy. He loves to race snowmobiles and dirtbikes. I must say he is the best dress child at the track (all race clothes) but all the boys love his style and want to be just like him. He has always been into the latest hairstyles and such. As I tell my husband I could only be so lucky that he could match his own clothes, HA HA. We now look back and laugh at some of the things he did when he was younger. I hope he finds his place in life and enjoys it as much as my son does. Best to luck to you and your family.
K.

That was my son exactly at that age. He is now 9 and still has a girl friend as his best friend. He plays with boys too now. He has never been in to cars, trucks etc. Pink was his favorite color. It does change as they are in school and get older. I wouldnt worry at all.

Hi, S.,

Your little boy sounds like a dream. I hope you can learn to enjoy his self-expression. It would be great if we would stop labeling things as strictly masculine or feminine. We're all human beings in the end, and only our "plumbing" (so-to-speak) makes us male or female.

As was stated earlier, societal ideals enforce learned gender behavior. If we were left to our own designs, there would likely be more equality between the sexes. In a way, the preconceived gender expectations are actually holding us back in that area. Women seem to have it best now, as we can vote, work, stay home, show our emotions - any number of things. But we lay down a double standard for the boys who can't choose to do the same things we do.

If we teach our boys not to do certain things, like certain things or feel certain ways because its 'wrong', how can we expect them to not be chauvinists? Because, in a way, they'll always think those sort of things are beneath themselves.

It's probably just a phase, but most of all don't let on to him that it concerns you in any way. I have two boys who are "all boy," but they both went through phases where they preferred playing with girls, liked to play "kitchen," and liked to have their nails painted. To this day my 9-year-old still loves stuffed animals although he is also into Pokemon, Yu-Gi-Oh and all things considered "boy." I always loved the fact that my boys have a "softer" side to them. My biggest concern was that sometimes their friends would hassle them--mostly when they came to our house and saw some of the toys we had here. I would always do damage control to tell my boys it was o.k. for them to play with those things and to ignore the teasing. Although my boys can be pretty physical and aggressive too (especially with each other!), I think they are more nurturing and empathetic than some of the more rugged boys, and I like that about them. Your son is probably learning some great skills.

No I don't have a child like him but my nephew was into untraditional stuff like that at the exact same age. His mother indulged him and he moved out of the phase after a few years of it. Now he is a hulking football player who winces at the mention of doing anything girly.

Your son may stay 'femmy' or whatever...or he may become supermacho when he's older...or something inbetween. There is no way of knowing. However, the way he is behaving is healthy. This is his original self. I am guessing he has been raised in a nonjudgmental home where differences are dealt with lovingly. He has been nurtured enough to be uninfluenced by the societal pressures and brainwashing so many other little boys fall victim to in an effort to first please others before themselves.

I know of at least one clinically-based psychological study which has been done on the color pink. It demonstrated that pink is the most soothing color there is.

Your son sounds like a sweet, loving and sensitive guy. There are for sure a lot of grown-up men who wish their mothers had been more loving like you are towards your son!

Also, I would like to say that 'adjusted and normal' is not exclusive to the heterosexual population. There is nothing abnormal about homosexuality.

I know lots of guys that wear pink and are completely straight, don't worry about that. My son is 3, he has had a babydoll, "lily" for 2 years now and that is his favorite toy, he plays girly things, but there is a limit. I do not think that I would allow my son to paint his nails, you could tell him, that is a 'girl thing'-you can paint your cousins and your mommy's but don't paint boys nails - something like that. And tell him it is like the difference between girls and boys hair - my son LOVES to play and comb my hair and his sis's but knows that he needs his short like daddy and daddy's friends.

Does your boy go to church? This is a great place for your son to meet other little boys and consistent play (once or twice a week) with them could be helpful.

Will you love him any less if he is gay (five is WAY too soon to have any idea)? Teaching him to be happy and successful in his life regardless of his color choice or sexual orientation should be your goal as a parent. Love him and accept him however he is. Being gay is not a "choice" and our world abounds with happy, successful, well-adjusted gay men and women. Preferring pink and playing with "girly" toys has nothing to do with it.

You are the doing the best thing for your son---helping him to be himself, whatever that is. What most people no longer remember is that Pink was considered the color for boys and blue for girls until WWII. Yes, it was only recently that someone we changed our Western preferences so if you go to the Imperial War Museum in England, not only do you see little boys' clothing with ribbons but they are all pink ribbons. If you also recall, boys were also put dresses and skirts while they were babies and toddlers. (Ask your grandparents, if they are at around 70 years old, they'll remember.)This was because it was the custom as well as it was easier to change their diapers. So, if you do get anyone try and get you to change your little boy, just tell them in a matter-of-fact tone that times change so the way we raise our kids change too.

By the way, I do have a little boy and he and his little boy-friends love to dress-up with their little girl-friends and they always pick the most sparkly things----princess dresses, wands, and shoes. All of us moms just laugh and take pictures. My little boy has never liked dollies (and I've really tried to encourage it because it's so good for him to learn to be gentle and take care of something else) but I discovered that he has 3 Hippo stuffed animals that substitute as his dollies so he pushes them around in a stroller or a shopping cart. I'm glad you're getting support from everyone and good luck on raising your little one!

Let your son do and be what he wants to be. Let him decide for himself what he enjoys. My son loves his babydoll and he also says his favorite color is pink, but that is only because his cousin is girl and she is the one he spends most his time with and my favorite color is pink, so he gets it rom being around us. I have no problem with that, my husband does not like it, but it is my sons life and his choice. He can like what he wants to and I will always support him no matter what. My son loves his sports and cars and trucks too, but even if he didn't I would be ok with it.

Just support your sons interests and in time i'm sure they will change too, he is only 5 afterall.

my son was "girly" at that age - not to the extent you are talking about but liked girl toys, related to girls and had girl friends, etc. He is now 10 and is a TOTAL BOY. It was a gradual change. I wouldn't worry too much about it.

I've never been in your situation, but the only thing I can think of is to try and find some boys for him to play with more often. If he's only around his girl cousin, he may just be mimmicking her. If he's around boys, he'll see what boys do and that may come more naturally to him.

I wouldn't worry about it at all. My boys love playing with dollhouses, and my older son also used to say he wanted his room to be pink. They are exploring all kinds of things, and I wouldn't discourage him.

If he senses that you are anxious about it, he may become even more interested in doing "girl" things.

I think it's great that he has a close friend who is a girl. I wouldn't discourage that friendship at all. He'll be in school soon and probably will make friends with some boys too.

Hi S. ---
Is your son in sports? T-ball is a great way to get him started and if he is 5 yrs old - that's the age they start at. Make sure you find an all boy's team to put him on. He may or may not like it but at least you will be exposing him to other things.

The next thing I have to add is .... what "IF" your son turned out to be the oposite of an "all boy" type - would you love him any less? We can not force our children to be something that they aren't. I think the best thing you could do is love your son unconditionally and let him know that no matter what he feels inside, or becomes in life - he is special to you and to the world.

Try the T-ball ... you and your son might be surprised at how much fun he has.
Good luck!
D.