Stay at Home or Work

I worked while raising my two oldest. When the youngest when into high school. I opened a child care and to this day (12 yrs later) my youngest daughter still talks about having me home when she came in from school. If I had it to do over again, I would try to be home for all of the kids. What a difference!

I have done both, but I have to say that the last three years staying at home has been ten times better for my family. I was a single mom with two girls who worked full time- my kids went to daycare and school, and hated daycare like crazy. I have been home for the last three years, with a now two and a half year old ( five months pregnant too!) and my other daughters are 12 and 10. It has been a sacrifice- my husband makes very little, we have only one car which is not new and paid for, we live modestly, but with much love. I love being home for my daughter- who people say is the best behaved and happiest baby ever- I potty trained her in a week (because I was here with her) I love to be able to be home when my girls get here- they like me being a part of their life, abl;e to really know them, listen to them and help them with their homework and their problems, instead of running around every night. We have far more of a full life than I ever had before, and it gets fuller every day.

I have never found greater joy then putting my children before money and before myself. They need you so much! And their time at home will be done and gone before you know it and you will have missed it. Stay at home if at all possible!

Do yourself a favor and stay at work! This is all I am going to say as an OLD stay-at-home Mom. The kids don't truely care, the husband will hate the less money issue and you will have no life of your own. Keep working FOR YOU!

I responded to your previous request with my experience as a SAHM (I really enjoy it and feel like this is best for my children's well-being in my situation) so now I'll share my experience as a child of a SAHM. Not only was my mom home, she was also a very effective parent and very involved. She gave us TONS of love and nurture, and also put forth the energy to consistently enforce the few limits she set and taught us how to work hard by insisting that each of contribute to the household. I feel like I had such a wonderful, secure childhood as a result. You can be an effective parent whether or not you work, so I'm sure my fabulous relationship with her had as much to do with her parenting style as it had to do with her staying home with us. Anyways, each of us 4 children felt close to her and have a very warm relationship with her. Even as teenagers we weren't very rebellious and I shared almost everything with her, as did my siblings.

You can't have it all, which is something I'm having to come to terms with, because I would love to make a difference in this world with some other skills I have, and I'm realizing it is going to be a struggle of finding balance. I can't be fully devoted to my own business as well as devoted to my family at the same time. And it is so completely personal. I think kids benefit from having a parent as a primary caregiver, but kids also benefit from having food on their plate :) If you can have both, that's awesome. I think it's largely up to you and what you're willing and comfortable to live with (or without). And you don't have to live from paycheck to paycheck. I'm sharing from personal experience that it isn't how much money a person makes, but how they manage it that matters.

As far as providing for their college education, my parents could not do that (they struggled financially, but they both admit that it had as much to do with their poor money management as it had to do with their limited income and they've made great improvements in that area I am proud to say). I still went to college and it didn't hurt me one bit to have to figure it out on my own. In fact, I find a great deal of satisfaction in the fact that I was successful in this endeavor. I had to put forth a lot of effort and apply for scholarships and keep my grades up and do honors projects (all of which resulted in character development), and I was able to get my whole college education paid for through scholarships. I knew I didn't have parents to fall back on financially and so I learned to scrimp and save and work hard so that I could graduate debt-free. My parents offered what they could, which was allowing me to drive a car and live and eat at their house for free while I was in school, and that certainly helped a lot even though they couldn't pay for college itself.

I will be honest that once I became older, the financial struggles concerned and frustrated me, but as a child all I remember was that mom was always around. And my mom did get a job once we were teenagers. It was fun to be able to have nice Christmases and go on family vacation after that, but she also was much more stressed so I'm not quite sure it was worth it.

The bottom line is, I'm very happy with my childhood with a devoted mother at home, financial struggles and all. But I really think whether or not we struggle is up to us and they could have been more responsible with the money they had. I'm extremely grateful that in spite of their money issues, they had the whole parenting thing figured out quite nicely.

I believe that you answered your own question, didn't you?
Don't feel guilty about not being able to be SAHM...you can
manage to be a great Mom and still finish your career...nine
years will go by so quickly and you have many obvious reasons
of security, education etc that make this an easy answer....
Just don't torture yourself over it....I got to stay at home
some of the time with my two, but not all the time, just a
little while when first one was little, then with the second
hardly anytime...but I manage to include the last one almost
as much as the first...just be the great Mom you are when you
are with them, and make good choices for them in your absence
and things will be fine....
G. (wife, Mom, Grammy)

So, this might be really silly - but the Mayans have predicted that the end of the world will be on Dec 21, 2012... so, if you think it might come true, stay home with your kids for these next 3 1/2 years! Or, if after that date the world is still here, and you are still working and would like to stay home - then do it. (I know, it is silly, but it's just a thought) :)

Hi F.,
It is a difficult decision that you have. I went through it as well. I have two beautiful children who are very respectful and their values are still intact (my daughter is 22 and son is 23). I have been complimented over and over again about their character (character perhaps is not as important to world these days, but it means a lot to me) and I have to say that it is because I stayed home most if not all of their growing years and took a strong role in their lives both at school and personal. I volunteered at their school, our church, and extracurricular activities. I would have not been able had I been working. And yes, we live pay check to paycheck but one of these days we will finally get out of that rutt. The sacrifices we have made for our kids have outweighed the material things that we could have had or given to our kids. There were times that I thought going back to work would help and it did help out financially a little, but things at home just didn't run as smoothly. My advice to you is to try and find something you can do from home if you can or try and find something at your kids school where you can work part-time (I managed to do that) to give you some extra spending money for yourself if that is what you are looking for. I am a Christian and believe that God will always take care of our needs. If the birds don't have to worry about where their next meal is coming from, we shouldn't either. I know the economy is bad now, but if you look at the past, they were able to get through it and so will we.
We also did not have money to pay for our children's education but through student loans, they were able to obtain it. They also studied and took it more seriously because they were paying for it. I think we just need to learn how to respond to our circumstances. How we respond tells us where our treasures are and for me it has always be the Lord first and my family second. I know my husband and I will never be rich, and there is only so much we can give our children, but at the end of the day, we can say to ourselves, we did our best and we have two wonderful children. We won't have a lot of money when we retire, but it will be sufficient for us because we never really had a lot, but we have been blessed with the things that the Lord has given us. I have witnessed people who have outlived their children and wished that they would have spent more time with them. I can say that I witnessed every step of my children's lives so far and didn't miss their first steps, their first words out of their mouths or any part of their growing up. And yes I did my little share of complaining when we didn't have enough money, but I look back, especially now, and God did get us through it somehow. It was faith that kept us going.
I hope this helps you a little in deciding F..

L.

It's all about your priorities. You can make staying at home work if you are dedicated to it and if you believe that it is best for your kids.

My husband and I knew from the start that we wanted me home because it was SO important to us that we be the caregivers for our children and that we have a good home life. We are now making it work even though it is very difficult economically, and we don't even consider other options because we are committed to it. I would love to encourage you to try it. Being a SAHM is not easy, but it is so worth it!!!

Wow, The opportunity to stay home with your children is huge! I for one can tell you that sadley you may not appreciate it and treasure it while you are in it... but once you are back at work later you will ache to be home and you will think of all the things you could do if you were home or would do. You can save a lot of money by staying home because you are the child care, you can prepare the meals and clean the house and over all provide a secure, content feeling in your home and for your family. Take that money and save it for your children's college if you like. You will save a ton! It is all in how you manage it. No one can fill this role as well as you! You are your husbands and childrens 1st choice for this position! And you may not know it but you are YOUR 1st choice as well! You will be frustrated trying to find someone who will do this job the way you would like it done... in fact it is not possible. I am 44 and my kids are, many grown and the younger ones are teen agers and I long to home now more than ever, they need you even more during the teen age years. I just work part time but it is amazing how time flies and there is so much to do to do it right. Coupon sense to save on groceries and Daveramsey.com for all other money planning needs. ENJOY!

If you know u can live off of your husband's pay check comfortably, I would say go for it if u have that chance. But the only thing that is stuck in my mind is this economy right now. There are so many people being laid off of their jobs & you just never know where it is going to hit. You know you have job security for the next 9 yrs. Does your husband have the same? If I could, I would stay home but right now I won't even think of taking that chance. My husband was laid off in September but luckily they called him back to work @ the end of October. But still we never know, what if they do layoffs again? My Dad was laid off in October & I just found out my sister is being laid off by the end of this week. Last week my Uncle was laid off. It is just really sad to see how many people are loosing their jobs right now. And that is why I feel that right now it is important to keep your job.

I am sure you will be happy with whatever decision you make. I just wanted to give you my feeling on it. =) Good Luck & May God Bless you!!!

You can actually have both. There is no reason for an either or. How about an AND. There are a multitude of things you can do to earn income while staying at home. Look into direct sales, network marketing, or other 'at home' business options. What are you interested in? Find something you are or can be passionate about and perhaps helping others in the process and you can create an amazing income WHILE being home with your kids!

Good luck to you!

S. Schowengerdt
____@____.com

I can understand how this is a hard decision, especially in these hard economic times. Personally I think that nothing can really replace the blessings of having a mother in the home. This is just my opinion, I know every situation is different and many families just can't afford it. My mother was a SAHM until I was in 3rd grade, she had to start working because we were in a hard financial situation. I understood that there was no other way in our situation, but I can also say that it was so different when she went back to work. I think it had a large effect on me, I wished she would have been able to stay at home those years, especially while I was still in elementary school.I think if you can make sacrafices to allow yourself to stay at home then I would, but if it just can't work out then I could understand taking the job. Do what is best for you and your family of course:) Good luck!

Just a suggestion but why not do both? You can work part time or from your home and spend the other time at home with your kids. I know how hard it is living pay check to pay check because I can't afford to work and I know that sounds silly but its the truth it would cost me more for child care then I would make working so I decided to stay home but If you can work and stay home I think you would have the best of both worlds. I hope this helps

I can understand that it is a hard decision to make, especially with the retirement date not too far away. But, I would say that your kids need you now - no one can raise them just as you would like, including wherever they are being left now. And, though your nine year old could baby-sit when he is twelve, he will not be teaching them what you want them to be taught. Only you can provide that all important feeling of security and love and help them to be happy, well-adjusted adults/ parents when they leave. Don't sell yourself short on that. You can do it - and it will be worth it!

Hi there. I have no advice on whether you SHOULD work or stay at home, but some advice if you do decide to stay at home.
1) Make sure you connect with other moms. It has mae all the difference in my stay at home experience. We get out a do play groups, etc. You can check out the internet for playgroups in your area, or if you already know other stay at home moms, make plans with them on a regular basis. Could probably even write in here and ask others if they are interested in starting up a playgroup.
2) Do something for yourself part-time, even if it is minimal paert time--I work two evenings/nights per week for a total of 16 hours per week. My shift starts about an hour before my daughter goes to bed, so I miss out on very little of her life. Whether it's work, volunteer work, or a mom's night out type deal, something for yourself will keep you sane!

Good luck with your decision. Whether or not stay at home is a decision unique to each woman, since we all have different personalities, different life goals, and so on. However, I will tell you that it has been the best expereince of my life. I was very ambitious prior to adopting my daughter, and still enjoy the work I do, but I would not give up the time I have had with her for anything.

I'm a stay at home mom and it is hard, but I wouldn't change it for the world. My mom worked, but at a school so she was there for us right after school, I loved it. There's nothing like coming home to mom. She's not tired or rushed to make dinner. My children are still young, but are in preschool. I can't imagine not being there for them. Just my perspective. Your husband should have a say. If he's for staying at home go for it. If he's not and you do it will cause bring problems in your marriage.

I'm a firm believer in not trading the present in for what you may or may not have in the future. Don't think about their future education. Think about now. I was a teacher and worked when my first two were babies. Now I'm home with all four, and while I do really miss my job, the companionship with adults with similar interests, and of course the extra money, I love being with my kids. I have a completely different relationship with the younger ones than with the older one. I'm sure his personality would've been different anyway, but I can't help but think that some of the differences are due to my availability. Not to mention how healthy they are without daycare (this could also be a fluke). I love that when my older kids get sick, it's nothing for me to keep them home from school - I don't have to try and make them sweat it out. It also allows me time to drive them to gymnastics, karate, music lessons, etc.

These are just my opinions, of course, you have to truly search yourself to know if you would be able to do this, both emotionally and financially. Maybe part time could be an answer. Good luck!

I stayed home and lived paycheck to paycheck. I would do it all over again because my kids loved it. Many times I mentioned that we could have more things and go more places if I worked and they said NO. My kids loved it when their friends said, "I wish my mom could drive to the games, field trips, etc." or "I wish my mom could help with the class party - you are so lucky!" My kids learned the value of time with each other and don't need the extras. It is not so bad learning how to make a dollar stretch. My kids learned valuable lessons. They are now in college and we have decided to pay for it because they have never asked for much, and have appreciated all the sacrifices we made for them.

I had part-time jobs here and there while they were in school but only if I could be home when they came home. I still drove for field trips and was involved in their schools all the way through high school. I wanted to know who their friends were so we could keep talking about good choices. Now that they are in college, I can work all I want. I can choose any career I want as I worked so many odd jobs.

What a blessing that you will have a choice to be the one that loves on your kids everyday the way they deserve!

these big decisions we all face are so hard. as with any decision i'm always inclined to advise to go with your gut...

some of us parents feel the need to be at home with our kids, for many different reasons...sometimes it's trusting the daycare centers that would be with our children, sometimes it's avoiding going to work a committed job, some of us may believe that the kids are only young once and we don't want to miss those years, some worry what society/community will teach our kids.

some of us parents feel the need to work. specifically i believe as the kids (like your 9 and 5 year old) go to school there's no reason to be home or that it is not fulfilling to do the house chores daily...some of us need to work to get away from the house, feel independence in bringing in some money, finding some friends through co workers, feeling appreciated.

I think that everyone's situation is different and I'd first look into how you'd feel (not your husband or kids) about working or staying at home. Would one option lead to depression and/or stress? Who wants to be around someone who isn't present and fun, whether it's at work or home? I believe your emotional state is much more important then a few extra dollars...

Good Luck...

Hi F. - I understand where you are coming from. My husband and I made it stretch out to where our savings could allow me to stay home the first 9 months with our newborn, and then I could look for a job. Well, in the middle of that the economic crisis hit, and guess what? Our girl just turned 19 months old and I only found a full-time job and started it last week! As a result, we sold a lot of things that we had that were unneccesary - but paid for - so that we could continue to make bills and groceries. We also had to cut back on the other kids extras - music lessons, only one sport, etc. It was hard, an of course I loved being able to stay with my baby, but it was h*** o* the family as a whole and has interupted our plan to buy a house by the spring.
I just think that you are lucky to have a job now, and if you can retire in 9 years, that is something special as well. Think of the time you'll have then, and your children will still be young enough for you to enjoy them.
Good luck to you in whatever decision you make.
J.

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I was in a situation where I could choose not to work and stay home with my newborn. About 5 months after she was born I was offered a good position. I was so torn on which to choose. My dad pointed out to me that he and my mom work and my sister and I turned out great. I was sure that we could make it with out my paycheck but he also avised I think of the future. He suggested that if I decided to work that I could put away that money for my kids to get a good education. I eventually choose to take the position and I am glad I did because everything is costing more now. Life is always changing and all you can do is make the choice that is going to make you the happiest, whether that be staying at home or working.

Hi F.,

I remember your first post about your situation. Honestly, you can hear all the perspectives in the world about staying at home or working outside the home with young children, and none of it will matter because this is a very personal decision to make. I understand that you want to know how others feel about both sides, but what are you really seeking? Validation about a decision you've already made or will make? What is your gut telling you? If you can't hear it yet, then I invite you to take 10-20 minutes a day and meditate on it. When we meditate, we train our bodies and minds to become still. When we become still we can go deeper within ourselves. When we go deeper within ourselves, that is where you find peace, calm, and your truth. Your truth will tell you what you desire to do. Along with meditation, try some old fashioned write it out problem solving.
1. Analyze the situation fearlessy and honestly. Figure out what is the worst that could happen with each situation. What is the best that could happen?
2. After figuring out what is the best and worst that could happen - ask yourself if you can accept either result.
3. Move foward without regret to your decision. If you have regrets, then it wasn't the right choice for you.

Ask yourself and your husband some questions. When you answer them, answer them without judgment.
*Will continuing to work outside the home take me away from my family more than I wish? What amount of time is realistic for me to be compeletly 100% present with them?
*Will continueing to work oustide the home provide provide personal fullfillment? What fullfillment am I seeking? Provide long term financial rewards? What do those financial rewards really mean to me and my family?
*What if I do "quit", how do I feel about that? Why?
*If I continue to work outside the home, can I still be the whole mamma, wife, and woman I desire to be? Can I be all that as a SAHM?
*Can this affect my marraige? How and Why?
*Am I willing to fully accept my choice of staying 9 more years or stopping now?

There are positive and negative sides to everything, and the questions can be hard to answer, but it need not be complicated - deep and personal, yes- but not complicated. Whatever decision you make for yourself and your family do it with gratitude and confidence - as long as it is a decision made out of love - not fear or judgment. Made from your inner truth and not cultures truth (which is an illusion anyway)...then you will know you are doing the best thing for your family.

Much good energy to you, and thank you for your years of service and dedication to our armed forces.

In light and peace,
A.
mom of 4, Birth and Parenting mentor
www.birthingfromwithin.com

Wow - a lot of responses here for you! I am a working mom with a 16-month old. I think the key (if you decide to continue to work) is to find someone who you really like and trust to watch your chid(ren). My husband and I work full time, and my son goes to a baby sitter full time and I don't regret it. I love spending time with him and playing with him and teaching him etc. but I think it is a great experience for him to spend time with other children (for medical reasons he will be an only child) and I want to stay in the workforce. I am educated and I didn't go to school for eight years for nothing :). On the other hand, if you are able to work part time until your youngest is in school and extend the time until retirement you may want to do that... or wait until all of your kids are in school and need a ride to soccer parctice, have a game, play, performance etc. so that you can attend all those things.

It is a tough decision, and some people enjoy staying home even after their kids go to school. I don't think you should feel bad about being a working mom though if that is what you choose to do! Good luck!

I truly feel this is a personal decision. Or at least family decision. There are pros and cons for each side. I have chosen to stay home. We do struggle financially with one income but to us, it is completely worth it. We have learned to budget and that has made a huge difference.

Good luck with your decision. Talk with your husband and make the decision together. :)

There are often days where I have a really bad day at work, and I wonder why I didn't decide to stay at home. And then I realize, like you said, that by working, I'm able to provide not only for my son's immediate needs, but also for the future. Plus, I really hate housework, and I enjoy having interaction with people my own age.

F.,
I'm taking the time to write this, because I truly understand & care. Life is all about helping each other out. Many people in my family have a long military background including my husband & I thank you for your service.
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S.
www.shannonstair.myarbonne.com