Staying for the Child

I think having happy parents, even if separate, is more important. That said, having a newborn is SUPER STRESSFUL even for the best relationship. So you need to sort out if its just this major life change of adding baby to the mix or if its just the relationship no matter what. Have you tried some counseling, either together or alone? It can be really helpful in sorting things out, having that objective third party is invaluable! Good luck to you!!!

My mother stayed together with my father until I was 16 because she thought a father was better than no father. One time when they were separated in my freshman year. My mom and I were living in an apt. We were happy, and I even tried to have talks with my father. Then she went back for two more years, the tension was crazy, I was never home and ended up disliking my father for the way he treated my mom. now my father and I never talk.

I married young 19 and had a baby at 20, my husband was every word in the book, I stayed two years thinking I need to make this work for my baby, but my son cried all the time. my dr said he could sense that something wasn't right in the house. So I separated then divorced. My son stopped crying.

Some men who love their children will always be in their lives because they care. The ones that don't stay in their kids lives probably shouldn't be in their lives anyway.

I read through Karen R.'s response, and I agree with what she was saying. Your baby is so young, and it is normal for there to be issues and just adjustment to having a baby. Your hormone levels could still be not back to normal yet since having the baby (which in my experience, tends to make me view things a lot worse than they really are). If you really want the relationship to work, even if the spark at the moment is for the child's sake, give it your all, work with your boyfriend. Talk with him. The first year after having a baby can feel like a rollercoaster, and you are constantly adjusting to the different phases your baby is going through, not to mention your body is trying to recover. Give yourself time!
And later down the line, if your relationship is proving to not work out, your baby needs a happy mother. In my opinion, when we are sad and depressed, children can feel that about their mothers, they are more aware of things than we think...and if effects them. It effects us, and our potential as a parent. But before you make any kind of a choice in that direction, give your new family time to heal, time to adjust. There is a new baby in the home, and that is bound to change some things...we as adults just need to be willing to deal/handle that...WITH our significant other. I hope you are able to work things out, and not feel so down about your relationship. Enjoy your new little one!
K.

I think a lot of people are going to disagree, but I DEEPLY feel that you are not doing your child any favors by staying together. My parents divorced when I was too young to remember them together and I'm thankful to this day. I always saw friends dealing with divorces in their childhoods or teenage years, or even worse, their parents staying together and fighting all the time. It's much more important for your child to be in a positive environment than to have both parents under the same roof.

Everyone has an opinion on this situation and unless they are actually in it themselves the advice will always be bias. You need to think about what it is you want. I know that sounds selfish and some people will disagree with me, but unless you are happy, and I mean truly happy you children will be byproducts of an unhappy mother, sure they may learn to cope and live through it and compensate in other ways, but if you think you will be happy as a single parent then that is what you need to try.
But first I would make sure it is not your hormones, as many below me have suggested, and then I would make sure it was not me. By that I mean do you really think it is your relationship making you unhappy, or do you have a tendency to be unhappy in most relationships, you might be just as unhappy alone, in which case I would try counseling, but I would try counseling alone, not couples counseling (if you find the problem is your unhappiness). This requires self assesment, reflection and honesty with yourself.
To decide to stay for you child is such a bad idea, as many people have shared it makes a bad situation worse for everyone invloved. Perhaps it is the hormones, but perhaps you would not be happy with him no matter what, because you are unhappy, and perhaps you will find true happiness once you leave him because he was not a good fit for you. No one is right or wrong, some people are more compatiable for others, and if he is not compatible with you you will constantly feel like the square peg into a circle analogy.
I have two small boys a 15 month old and a two year old (almost 3) and have recently seperated from their father. It was a gut wrentching decision because he is a wonderful father, but I can honestly say after the first few months of greiving the seperation and raising the kids in two homes I am at peace with the decision and I am happy with the decision, and I am actually just happy. I didn't realize how much my unhappiness and tension was affecting the me and the way I treated my boys. Things are so different for all of us now. There father who loves them dearly comes over almost everyday to see then and spend time with them...their father and I are working on treating each with respect and are doing pretty well. I am not saying this is the best answer for everyone...I am saying it was the best solution for me. You will have to find the best solution for you, and the best solution for you is the one that makes you happy, so search inside yourself because you can only find happiness in yourself, do not stay for your daughter, if you stay you need to be staying for yourself. A child needs her father this is true, but you cannot force him to be a father, and so he will be there for her or not depending on what kind of man he is...but the bottom line is a father does not come in one form...grandfathers can fill that role, brothers, uncles, family friends, they can all fill a father figure role.
May you find peace in whatever your decision is....

Hi K. and thanks for sharing your story. Are you and your child's father married??

K.,

I am a mother of two beautiful children. My son is 3 1/2 and my daughter is 19 months. Their father and I began having problems when he was a little less than a year old. I was unhappy and miserable with the entire relationship. I had told him why, but he always seemed to think I was exaggerating the problem or didn't really mean it. I did wind up cheating on him because of the way I felt. He had chested on me in the past also. He eventually found out about my affair, but after a temporary split (Neither of us ever moved out), I decided to work it out because of my son. I did not want my son to grow up as I did having to bounce back and forth between both parents houses. I got better for a few months and we actually got engaged again, but looking back I did it all for my son. I wound up getting pregnant again and draggin another child into a relationship I knew could not be fixed. I love my daughter with all my heart don't get me wrong. I finally realized that he was not the man I was going to marry, and that I was not going to be happy because there was no communication or trust between us anymore. Counseling never helped, we did try. I finally got up the nerve and told him I was unhappy and that I wanted to call off the wedding and the relationship. My daughter was only 4 months old. Overall, I think it caused more damage to our relationship staying. I felt as if I was living a lie and not being true to myself. My son could tell when I was upset, and trust me your daughter will eventually understand and feel what you feel. I also had the fear that he would not stay a part of there life because he does have other children he rarely sees. It was a fear I think made me stay longer. He is is still a part of there life as much as he can and he helps me with money as much as he can. I have learned to become self-sufficicent just in case he ever decided not to be in their life, but for now he is their. Feel free to send me a private message or email if you would like to talk more because I know exactly where you are coming from. Good Luck Sweetheart & Just follow your Heart!

K.

Hi K.,

You have just had a baby. The strain of a newborn and having a realtionship is so demanding on you that you are ready to give up. Don't.

Get in a support group for parents.

http://SAHM.meetup.com/
http://attachmentparenting.meetup.com

If you are breastfeeding, join the La Leche League.

www.lllusa.org/VA/WebTidewaterVA

If there is drug or alcohol involved with your family somewhere. Get involved in the Al-Anon Support Group.

www.tidewaterasc.org

Learn all you can about yourself, you as a mother, and you as a wife.

Good luck. D.

Your daughter will know her father as he will visit with her. She will also sense your unhappiness. Have you tried some sort of counseling? Can things get better between the 2 of you?

If not, I recommend you don't stay for your daughter. It won't do either of you any good. Be sure there is no hope for the relationship first.

I think the greatest gift you can give your child is a happy healthy mom. I also think if you stay, you are teaching her that it's ok to stay in an unhappy situation/relationship. I also think you deserve to be happy much more than 20%, what kind of life is that to model for your child? Of course it will be difficult but most things in life are difficult that are worth having. Good Luck.

K.-

My parents got seperated when I was five years old and I knew then it was three years late! Kids know when their parents are unhappy so if the relationship is bad- leave. And if your daughter's father leaves, then that's his loss and she'll be better off for it. You'll also be teaching her that she doesn't have to stay in a relationship that makes her unhappy.

Good Luck and be strong!

K., I am not in that situation as a partner, but I was in it as a kid. It was very clear to me from an early age that the only reason my dad stayed was because of me. I can only speak for myself, but here's what that felt like:

1. To be honest, it WAS nice to have both parents around for certain things, like when I needed rides, or was looking for help, and because it felt "normal", but

2. I felt tremendous pressure to be a good kid to make it worth the sacrifice they were making.

3. I thought my mom was weak for not doing what was right for herself, and telling him to leave.

and 4. I resented my father for assuming he knew what was best for me, and not asking me.

I think it would have been better had my parents divorced earlier (they did, when I was a senior in HS.) I truly believe that parents must care for themselves if they are to care for their kids. That said, I don't know you or your situation and perhaps it is possible to care for yourselves together (i.e. counseling) rather than breaking up. My hope is that this is possibly a difficult adjustment to pregnancy and new baby, rather than a permanent situation for you. I sure hope you can work it out. But if you do believe this is truly not right for you, I wanted you to get one daughter's perspective.

I'm happy to say that my mom is now married to a man with whom she is a much better fit, and my dad is happily single. They are both much happier apart, and I am happier because I have happy parents. Best of luck, and know that I'll be thinking of you.

I have been there and done that i have a 8 year old that was only 15months old when me and her father split up. I went through the same thing i didnt want to leave because of her and i was afraid that he would not have anything to do with her. Well she did fine and he came and got her when he was suppose to. It hurts for a while when you leave but in the long run you will feel better cause you will be happy. She is so young she may not be affected that much by it until she is older. I hope you the best i hope things will work out for you and your daughter.

I would recommend counseling first. If that doesn't help then I would have to say pack up your daughter and leave. I'm a child of divorced parents, I have 2 brothers. My Dad was not around when he lived with us and he certainly wasn't around after he left - I was 10 or 11. I'm now an adult with kids of my own and sadly he has no part of their lives either. If your child's father is a good man and cares for his daughter, he will be there. If not, there is nothing you can do to change that and he will have to live with it the rest of his life. You are a strong beautiful young woman and have brought an amazing life into this world. You need to focus on making it the best life for her as possible because we only get one chance. Good luck honey, I wish you all the best.

K. - SAHM of 2 boys, 5 and 2

Hi K.,

If I were you, I'd maybe go through couples counseling first. I do think that it is worse for the child in the end if the parents stay together just for the child, if the parents are unhappy. Children are amazing in the fact that they pick up on our moods, and if you are unhappy, the child will know, and be unhappy too. I have 3 children w/1 on the way. My husband & I were not married when we had our first 2, and we were unhappy with eachother when we had our first. We both took a look at our lives & decided that there must have been something that brought us together, and that we needed to meet on common ground. When that happened, we became the happily married couple that we are. I think that you & your child's father need to have a long, serious conversation, with a mediator/counselor if necessary, to see if you can work it out. Communication & maturity are the key to a successful relationship. To be honest, what brought my husband & I together was God. When we decided to get closer to Him, we just fell in love with eachother more each day. It's something that I cannot really explain, but it was a wonderful feeling. So, before making a big decision with this, definately try to work it out. Good luck & God bless you all!

Now is really not a good time in your life to even be thinking about this question! :) Your hormones are sending out all kinds of mixed signals, AND you are at a crossroads in your relationshp with your husband! Enjoy your little girl WITH your husband! Be a team in caring for her. Forgive the rough spots. Now is the perfect time to overlook one another's faults, because you are tired, and learning to be parents. Since you recognize that you have a beautiful little girl, tell your husband when you see him in her. Tell him you know your baby will learn alot about what to look for in a man as she watches him - and express that you want to be a great example of a good wife and Mom! How long have you been married? I am pretty sure you haven't been together long enough to give up so soon. Every relationship has its rough times!! Hang in there and do your best to make your home pleasant for your husband and daughter 60% of the time!
--- from one who has been married for 24 yrs.

I stayed in a relationship for my son, who is now 3 1/2 years old. We were not together too long before I was pregnant (never married). I tried with everything I had to make the relationship work but I was the only one trying. Finally, when my son was just over 2 1/2 years old I couldn't do it anymore. I had given all that I had and then some.
I was in the same boat, relationship was good 20-30% (at most) and awful the rest. I only focused on the good so I could get through the bad. My advice to you is to think about how your happiness or unhappiness is affecting your daughter. It really does seem like it is best to stay together for so many reasons and I am sure you have thought of them hundreds of times. Can you see yourself with this man in 20 years?
The day my sons father and I ended our relationship, I was crying because he was saying such hurtful things to me. My son looked up at me and said "Mommy, did Daddy make you cry again?" It was then that I knew I was doing the right thing. If a 2 year old could see it, then I should too. To this day, my son resents his father. All of the disappointments that I had felt with the relationship, my son now feels too. I do what I can to keep them in each others life, but I can only do so much. He is a very selfish man and I knew that by staying together they would see each other more, but I realized that those times they saw each other were not quality times. He and I always fought and were never affectionate and children are so smart that they will pick up on those things.
6 months after our relationship ended I met the most wonderful man, my soul mate I think. If I was still with "dad" I would have never had the chance to meet this new man. My son absolutely loves him, and I am happier than I have been in so many years!
So that is my story. Do you have it in the back of your head that you will not be together forever? I don't want to tell you what to do, but just know that these things happen. Try to think about what things will be like in a few years. If you do not get along now, how much do you think things will change in the next couple of years. If I had it to do all over again, I would have ended much sooner so that my son didn't have a chance to see his father and me fighting and not getting along.
It has been almost 10 months since my relationship has ended. I am no expert, but if you ever need to talk feel free to contact me. I know how hard this can be. Good luck, no matter what you decide to do.

My opinion is leaving should be a last resort. I would try talking and possibly therapy before leaving. I have a 13 year old with a previous relationship and I have a 2 year old with my husband. My 13 year old has told me on so many occasions that she wishes I was still with her father. I feel so bad and it breaks my heart, even though I am happily married & my ex and I are friends. She likes my husband, but it still is not her daddy. I just wish that I would have been able to make it work or waited to have a baby until I was married and completely happy. Now, I did what was right for us in the situation that we were in. All I am saying is try your hardest, giving up is a last resort & you are at a tough spot in your life. Having a new baby is stressful & hormones are all out of wack at this time. GOOD LUCK!

Hi K.,
If you are truly not happy in your relationship and have done everything in your power to make it work then it is time to go your separate ways. If you and your baby's father (your husband?) are not getting along that will only make for a bad environment for your baby. Babies should be in a positive energy environment. If the father does not want to be in the picture if you happen to split up then that only proves that he doesn't love his baby; and, if that is the case and you were to stay with him, your baby will eventually feel that lack of love. If you decide to split and the father sticks around and stays involved in the baby's life then you both can work together and do what is best for the baby - loving him or her and NEVER bad mouthing the other parent. That is so important. I hate to hear about people ending their relationships but sometimes it is necessary for the child's sake. Don't make any rash decisions and think it over. Your baby is only 5 weeks old and you are probably very tired and worn out and therefore not in the right frame of mind to make such a grand decision. Give it 6 months or so before making a decision and until then... keep your chin up and live each minute for that precious baby of yours and take 1 day at a time. Gook luck and I hope you will be happy with the way things turn out.

Assuming that the relationship was bad prior to the baby, and you are not suffering adjustments issues from having a newborn, I think your child would be better served with two separate parents who are happy. I grew up with parents who stayed together for the children's sake and the unhappy household is not something I would want to repeat or wish on any child. I am a single mom whose partner did not want to be with me. It has not been easy and there are lots of aspects that completely suck about our current arrangement BUT we are both relatively happy and our baby (who is now 5) did not ever know us together so I think it is easier for her in some ways. You will have some tough times working all of this out (assuming he still wants a presence in your baby's life) but I think you will find it is worth it. Good luck.

No relationship stays static. You are either daily drifting apart or drwing together. It is your choice. Children NEED Mom AND Dad. If you want the best for yourself and your child, take steps to improve your relationship with your man. I recommend the book, "Love and Respect" by Emerson Eggerichs. You may want counseling. Pray and perhaps talk to your church Pastor. Also know that when a child enters the relationship, changes must be made. Mom and Dad will both have to give when they don't feel like giving. That is what learning to love and growing up is all about. AF

Life is not easy, is it? But as difficult as it might seem right at this moment, it could be potentially more difficult in another situation. If your spouse is being abusive or hurtful, obviously it would not be a situation worth staying in. But if you're just feeling as if the candle has gone out - why not find ways to reignite it? We have to work at being a good Mom, a good daughter, a good sibling, a good friend, a good employee, and yes, even a good spouse. I hope you will consider working at piecing things back together before pulling the plug. Find friends or someone who can help encourage you! Isn't it worth at least one more try?

I am not in your situation, so take what I say with a grain of salt. That being said, I have ALWAYS believed that parents need to provide the best atmosphere possible for children. Kids will use your behavior and relationships as a model for what family life should be. If you and the baby's father are desperately unhappy, then it will show through in everything you do together. A baby will pick up on that unhappiness and it may even make the little one unhappy. As the child gets older they need to see their parents in a good relationship so they know how relationships should be when they're ready for one. Also keep in mind that your ability to completely provide for your child is often tied to your own levels of satisfaction in your own life. Your needs aren't supposed to come behind the needs of your child, but they both should be considered equally here in the long term.
Those are my thoughts.
good luck. It will All work out in the end, I promise.

I do not believe that anyone should stay in a relationship for the children, however, if it is something that can be worked on then it is worth trying to make it better. Have you gone to marriage counseling? What is the problem? Is he abusive? I left my ex because it was an abusive situation and I did not want my son to grow up thinking that was ok. My son was 7 months when I left and I wish I had left the day I conceived. It is not an easy road leaving either but if it is a bad situation then you need to do what is best for your child. I guess it all depends if you think the relationship can get better if you both work on it. I went to couseling with him and without him and by the time I made the decision I was certain I had done everything there was to make things better. Feel free to message me if you want to talk, it is so hard being in a bad relationship with an infant.

I say give it a few more months. If he's abusive don't waste another day, I've been the product of an unhappy relationship. My parents were miserable together and they made me miserable.

Your hormones and relationship are still adjusting to be a parent. If you can say the same after the summer then don't waste anymore of your time.

Most of all try and talk to him now about how you feel. He may have no clue or he may be going through the same. If it was bad before the baby, chances are it will get worse but try any way. If you do decide to leave and he doesn't want to take part in her life, he should be ashamed. There's no reason to give up on a chilg because the relationship with parent doesn't work.

I stayed too long.. I stayed for 11 years too long. I would tell you that it is not your responsibility to make him love you or your daughter, if he will be involved in her life is his decision not yours. I would tell you that 20 or 30 percent of the time to be a good relationship is not enough. Luckily your daughter is so young right now this is not affecting her, but as she gets older, all her will hear and remember is that mom and dad dont love eacjh other, and therefore dont love her. I would recommend marriage, or relationship counseling, if that dont work i would tell you both to split up and let him see her whenever he wants to and take her whenever he wants to, this will allow him to be a father without fear, and well perhaps this will help. I wish i had this advice back in the day, but you must ultimately make the fecision for what is best for you and your daughter, not what may be the ideal, because in most times it is a fantasy a hope but wont be a reality with the two of you.

I cannot speak from the point of view of an parent in a bad relationship, but I can speak from the point of view of a child whose parents had one.

It is my opinion that staying for the child is never a good thing. If you only have the good "20-30% of the time" - you can bet, unless one of you undergoes a massive personality change, that things are going to get worse and not better. Further, as she grows the issues between you and your husband will multiply and magnify because you'll likely be on opposite sides of parenting issues, and if you have poor communication habits to begin with, they'll only get worse.

You'll be setting your daughter up to live in a house where her parents are constantly at odds and are either in loud conflict with each other all the time or having tense, icy silences, or a combination of both. You'll also - and this is the kicker for me - be teaching her that it's okay to have this type of relationship, rather than teaching her that she deserves and can have a positive, fulfilling one. I know this is a big concept to grasp when we're talking about a five week old girl, but she's going to grow quickly and also, the older she gets, the harder a divorce will be on her.

How often she sees her father will be up to the two of you. The responsibility of that will be on your and her father's shoulders. You can work it out - he can live nearby, you can share custody 50-50...there are lots of ways to do it well.

I went through lots of terrible relationships dating guys who were just like my father before I finally got lucky and broke the cycle of generations in my family of poor relationships. I believe that getting out of a bad relationship and potentially into a positive and rewarding one, would be a gift that would resonate in her for the rest of her life.

These are terribly difficult decisions and I don't mean to make it sound like I am telling you what to do. I do feel strongly, though, that no one is doing their children a service by staying in a bad relationship with the other parent simply "for the sake of the child". I wish you luck and hope it all works out for you.

Hugs, Jenny

K.:

I was in the same situation but I was very unhappy. I had a brand new house and my husband had a good job, but that house
just became a building to me. There is nothing like a peace
of mind. All I wanted was peace. I consulted with a lawyer and he told me what I could get and I went from there. I am very
happy now. I am presently single, have my own apartment and I am at peace and that is important to me.

If he chooses not to see his child, then that is on him. My daughter stays with her father during the summer when school is out, so she does spend time with him. I did not push the issue because this is something my daughter asked him to do.

B.

Maybe you need some family therapy? Could be you be having some Post Partum Depression? There are so many things to consider in your question that I think it would be best to get some outside help. If your decision is to end the relationship it no longer effects just you but it is also important that you are happy. Best of luck to you!

K. we all feel unhappy at times in our relationships with our husbands. First, know that you are not alone, okay? Focus on the 20-30% of good not the bad. What we focus on is what we magnify. So if I focus on my children's behavior problems, then I won't be happy, excited and we won't have fun. Please don't let the world through everything you see on t.v, in magazines etc convinence you that you leave your marriage based on feelings. Our feelings come and our feelings go. That's why our wedding vows say, ..."for better or worse..." And the best part is that our feelings change! That means when we are unhappy just around the corner we can be happy again!
When your mind starts thinking those thoughts about you and your husband spliting, you tell yourself NO! Keep telling your situation NO! Talk your problems away, even by yourself. Sounds crazy? Maybe so, but keeping your family together is more important than what somebody else might think of you...right?!
After almost 15 yrs of marriage, I still have unhappy times. Especially when I feel overwhelmed as a SAHM with 3 boys 12, 7 & 2 yrs old. We are a homeschooling family too and of course everything falls onto me since my husband is working as much as he can so that I can be at home with our boys. Here's another part that's hard, we are wired differently than our husbands. They are not as detail oriented as we are. That's why it is so good for us girls to have girl-time so we can get our detail fix. Our husbands are wired to be warriors...the fix-it man. If there's a problem they just want to fix it. Not talk it through like we do.
I don't know about your husband, but mine didn't come with instructions! LOL It's kinda like my kids, I do the best I know how to do and the rest is a work in progress.

K., I want to share this with you...
there is an instruction manual regarding marriage and children and everything else in this world that you can possibly think of...it's called the Bible. Sounds strange to some people and others may not want to hear it but it is the truth. I was broke, busted and disgusted in my marriage and everything else! I had every book out there about having a good life...marraigae, money and all. But nothing worked! Then one day, I heard it on t.v. and I tried it. I started reading the Bible and listening to some teachings. The more I learned the more I wanted to learn. Then after 9 yrs of marriage, my husband was SHOCKED at the change. So was I! And it wasn't him. It wasn't anything my husband had done or said. All of that was still the same as it had been all along. I had changed! For the first time in my life, I now had instructions on how to be a wife and mother and friend and to manage money etc. I can't imagine where we would be today. So just know that any question you may have about anything can be answered through God's word.
Anything worth having requires work. This includes marriage. Focus on the good and what you do have and that's what you will magnify!

Have a great day K.! You take care and please email me anytine should you need to talk some girl-talk, okay?
N. >:)

Hi K.!
My best advice to you is mental health is a wonderful thing. If you don't have that, you can't be there for your munchkin. If the father decides to not be in the picture, it's his lose. He'll be missing out on some of the best years of your little girls life. Just do the best you can with what you have. Kids are pretty resilient (especially at such a young age).
Good luck.

I felt that way when my son was the age of your daughter. We've had ups and downs as a family, but my son is 6 and we are all happy now. Our problems were our own and they worked out, but I will say that I think my husband had trouble adjusting to being married, although we were committed to each other for 4 years prior and always planned to marry, and it was even harder for him to be a father, although he loves our son and is so proud of being a father, it was hard for him to not just go out as he wished to see friends, or the gym, or even go out with me at night after I was all day taking care of a newborn. I say give it time, lots and lots of time. I knew I wanted to spend my life with my husband, but he changed for a time, now he is back to himself. And he the same, I also changed with childbirth. If you know you dont want be with your husband forever, then maybe think about divorce. See a couselor of some type, religious or professional. My parents stayed together for the kids and divorced when I was 17 and I wish it had been much earlier. I am still close with both parents, but it would have been best for all of us for a divorce earlier as it was truly awful, alcoholism, etc. And no, my parents have not changed in all this time, but are much healthier individuals living separate lives. They still talk amicably too. Best of luck with your decision.

Well first off no child is a mistake but a gift from God. I know you did not mention that at all and you deeply love her but I have a point to this. We all have free will to do what we want and it is if we take the correct road or path is were we will be reward. Staying togther is a smart idea. To get to your local church or a counceler is even better. Try to make it work but don't fool your self. If it's not working get out and don't look back. Yes you have a child togther and he dose need to be in her life just as much as you need to be in her life. So find something that is going to work fro all 3 of you. This is hard because you will see diffrent point of views from Mom's that has gone threw this or prehapes from a Mom that has grown up in a so called broken family. When 2 parents don't live togther. At lease you can turn around and say to you child MOmmy and Daddy tried to work things out but it just didn't seem that way. To blame or put fault at the other person would only grow her more apart from you or father. Another thing it's very hard for a man to have to adjust to fatherhood just as bad as a mother. Children take your every minute and demand and it's hard at first because now it's just not you it's you and my daughter. Do what will be best in the long run. I would suggest seeing a counceler. May God keep blessing your life.

You might consider staying until you both have more time to adjust to being parents. The first few months can be a big adjustment. That said if you have concerns for your safety or for your daughters then you need to protect yourselves asap.

K.:

Hello and good morning! Congratulations on your baby girl!

You didn't say how long you've been in this relationship. So it's kind of hard to give advice but I'll go with my instincts/gut, first. Please do NOT be offended by my questions. These are questions a very good friend asked of me years ago.

1. How was your relationship with your partner before your daughter was born?

2. If it was awful before - why did you stay? If you stayed for love - do you still love him?

3. If it was awful before - why did you get pregnant?

4. WHY are you unhappy? This has so many variables. No relationship is perfect. There are days I really would like to say "Calgon take me away!"

I don't know what your age is. If you have any family support system locally, etc. many factors need to be taken in to account when it comes to relationships/marriages. But I would think the MOST important question:

Are you better off without him? If you answer is YES. Leave. Don't waste another day with or on him. You would be doing yourself injustice and setting a bad example for your daughter.

These questions are going off a little because I don't know how long you've been together, if you are married, etc.

Is it possible you have post pardum depression?
Have you tried talking with him about how you feel the relationship is?
Does he know your expectations? If he doesn't know what you want, he can't read your mind.

Life is never easy. I know that you would want your child's father involved in her life. YOU CANNOT CONTROL HIM and his actions. However, you can set good examples for your daughter and be strong, confident and talk (not yell, although it's sooooooo easy sometimes!!) about the issues you have. It is possible to get what you want, but the other person needs to know what you want.

Please be checked for post-pardum depression, it can and will affect you, your daughter and ALL of your relationships.

Please let me know how things work out.

Take care.

It's not worth it....I tried that on my second marriage only to fail again. I decided to separate when my child was 2 years old and got divorced when she was 3....tried again when she was 4 and now I threw him out again...my daughter is 5 now. Children sense our unhappiness and unfortunately they feel our pain so I wouldn't waste any more time. Get rid of him and it will be his loss if he doesn't spend time with your child. When you brake it off with him just tell him for the sake of your child you want to remain friends and speak nicely regarding him spending time with your child and the importance of it. If you speak kindly without a fight normally the conversation goes well. Make sure to get him to sign that he agrees to pay child support. I did it and it works and my ex has anger issues so if I can do it, you can do it. I advise you to get some support from a local Church and get busy doing healthy things and not think that you have failed in any way....if it's not meant to be, you are better off on your own. You won't be the only single parent out there....I am a single parent of two from two separate marriages. If there is any hope....sometimes a separation is good and you will know if you really are meant to be or not....if you decide to get back together, please make sure to get counseling....Wish you the best. Take care.

Stay, stay, stay.

Get every help you can for yourself. Don't be a victim. Be committed and be happy. Divorce is not easier for anybody. I wouldn't judge your choice, ultimately, because it is so personal but since you asked I can tell you as a 41 year old mother of 2 boys 11 and 13 married to a sweet man that I once believed I could not stay with, stay. It's tons of work, mostly your own. Do it. It's worth it!!