Step Daughter Drama and Discipline

The problem here is not with your stepdaughter but your husband.
She is a child, barely a teenager, she needs rules and discipline and boundaries. It's up to your husband, her mom, and then you, to provide that. Clearly no one is and she is acting like a mini adult because of it, calling the shots.
I think some counseling is in order, for ALL of you. This family dynamic sounds very stressful and unhealthy.
Oh, and does fighting and yelling happen? Sure, we are all human. But in no way is it the NORM.

Family counseling, stat. We are also a blended family and after my step-daughter moved in with us a few years ago at age 13, we did counseling for the whole family. I wish we had done it much sooner, when we first got married as my husband and oldest son have a very poor relationship.

One of the great things that the counselor did was call everyone out on their BS, privately (well except the little boys). He told my oldest son that if he didn't like being blamed for everything and being harassed and punished all the time to stop acting like a tool and that his behavior had the power to set the dynamic for the whole house. He told my step-daughter that she wasn't some special little island who could just stay in her room and ignore everyone and pretend we weren't there - this was a family and like it or not, she's a part of it so get on board and participate and stop making everyone else try to read your mind. I was told to not coddle my oldest son. My husband was told a crapload of stuff about how he interacts with everyone.

There were lots of action items to go around - rather than feeling blamed, it was framed in a way where the counselor emphasized that we ALL contributed to the dysfunctional dynamic, we weren't victims, and we ALL had the power to effect change. It was very empowering and helped us a lot.

You sound very frustrated, and I would be too in your shoes, but please have hope. You and your husband and your kids can create a common vision of what you would all like home life to be, and you can all work at that goal, together. You've only got 5 more years with your older step-daughter at "home" with you - don't think of that in terms of "I only have to get through 5 more years of this" but more in terms of "I only have 5 more short years to help her learn and grow into a wonderful young woman who is ready to go out into the world after high school." Take some time to picture with your husband what successfully raising her will look like - what kind of person will she be? What will your relationship be like? What shared experiences will you have? What will she treasure about you, and you about her?

Then look at the gap between here and there and start to map out a plan to heal the relationship (for you), put appropriate boundaries in place (for him) and set reasonable expectations for visitation and spending time together. Older kids will naturally want to spend less time with parents because of their social lives - so make sure that you can accommodate her social life within reason, especially if her visits with you are normally on weekends. And your husband has to show that he values extended family - yours and his - by spending time with both sides and not making it optional for any of the kids.

Anyway...step-parents can be one of the most influential people in a child's life. Make your influence a positive one by working with your husband and a counselor to help correct the dynamic. It can be done - stay positive and good luck!

Many dads (of girls especially) feel guilty about being divorced and they try to remedy the situation by giving in to their kids. My husband does this, although not as much as he used to. It's just Divorced Dad Guilt.

The problem is not your SD as much as it is your husband. I think he needs a counselor--you both do.

If the 13 year old doesn't want to come over anymore, then it sounds like a good thing for now. Get some counseling. I think your husband may need to hear how harmful his behavior is from a professional.

I would look at who is yelling and how much. While she might be overly dramatic, if you are fighting a.lot. then maybe she has a case. If the default in your home is for everyone to yell, who wants to be there? My mom was a yeller and I try not to be. It's one of the reasons I did a study on the book How To Talk So Your Kids Will Listen.

Secondly, if he's constantly giving in to her, then that's a problem between you and him. It sounds like he does what he wants to do and you're left holding the bag....which is what she does...because he does.

So...if you are angry at him and yell a lot, maybe it's all related. Maybe you and he should start with marital counseling to get on the same page in general.

I have heard of so many blended family issues like this . . . it's tough but I don't think it's unusual.

To me it sounds like the real problem is with your husband.

Do you guys have a child together? If I didn't have a child with him I'm not sure the marriage would work much longer for me, if for no other reason than I don't want him to be alienated from his daughter (no matter whose "fault" it is). And I would not want my own kids exposed to this drama.

All that being said, I would definitely seek some counseling - FIRST -before making any big life decisions. All of these kids have been through lots of change already.

Good luck.

This sounds like it needs to be addressed with your husband BIG TIME. You will have very bad years ahead otherwise. The daughter will come around when your HUSBAND quits causing the problem. If he won't budge on anything, you may want to rethink the blended family WITHOUT him and his offspring in it. I almost never recommend counseling, but you and he need a GOOD COUNSELOR (not easy to find) Not one that will just sit around letting everyone feel sorry for themselves, but one that will assign you working solutions that your husband will cooperate with. I'm so sorry you're going through this. You only get to have young kids once, and you can't let your husband ruin your family by enabling one child to make it miserable. This is 100% on him by the sound of this post, and if you have any responsibility in the problem, then be ready to work on yourself too, of course. Don't back down! Good luck!!!

Yelling is destructive and not useful.

13 year old girls are difficult, but the real problem is your permissive husband. I don't know how to fix him. Maybe you can insist on counseling where the two of you can come up with a parenting plan you can both live with.

Good luck, but don't blame your stepdaughter. A bad kid is the parents' fault.

We are a blended family also, with 6 kids. It really is hard. But we are committed to making it work and have for over 5 years now. My husband also has a very close relationship with his oldest daughter (10.5) and sometimes it's a little hard to handle because it's pretty obvious she's his favorite. However, she is generally very well behaved and mellow mannered. I did just recently see her get rather snippy with her mom and I was surprised because I've never really seen her act that way. It through me for a loop and wondered if she often treats her that way. Anyway, with our dynamic, we rarely ever segregate me and my kids vs. him and his kids. We try to do things as a family or he may do something with his two older kids and my oldest son, and I'll do something with his younger daughter and my youngest kids. I think segregating is only going to make it worse for you. You guys gotta stick together and keep that commitment to the family. At any rate, you've got to start with your husband and have an open dialogue about what's going on. It also sounds like counseling might be beneficial. Good luck!

Christi - you've certainly got a lot going on.

However, I think the actual title to your post is "dad has parented badly and step-daughter is suffering". You do see that this is your HUSBAND'S fault.... NOT your step-daughter, right? His inability to parent effectively has caused chaos and has not taught his daughter how to behave.

No, not every parent yells. Yelling is a sign that you feel powerless and don't know what to do. It can equal the effect of physical violence, if done often enough and depending on what is said while yelling.
Personally, I don't blame someone for not wanting to come to a house where there is self-described yelling and fighting.... who would?

I think you need some help to get your house in order. Learn how to parent without yelling. It can be done. But it's going to take BOTH you and your husband.

Does he still travel for his job? That will make things both easier and harder. But changing behavior is difficult, especially when you have a 5 kids. They will resist. But you have to figure out how to effectively parent and restore order without yelling and fighting with them.

I suggest you start by reading love and logic. See if there is a class you can take locally.

It's also natural that you are frustrated with your husband. He shouldn't be canceling plans because he can't stand up to his kids. The two of you have to make rational, logical decisions and then stick to them. The kids don't have any idea what is actually going to happen when one parent is inconsistent. So, they become very self-centered as they learn how to "get away with things". It's up to you and dad to be consistent so they know what the expectations are.

Please don't ruin your relationship with your step-daughter over how your husband has parented. She clearly needs a good role model for how to be a parent and a wife. right now, she doesn't have one. So the way to fix this is to get you and hubby on the same page and make some changes in your home.

I wish you all luck.

I am the StepMonster of a 27 year old Princess. Her "daddy" still coddles her. She still lives at home with us. She still does not have a job. She still does not have a drivers license. I cannot get her father do put down his foot with her, at all. What does she do you ask? She surfs the internet and eats sandwiches and drinks Cokes. Yup, that's it. No college, no career, nothing.
You feel better now don't you?
Nip.this.in.the.bud.now.
Don't wait until you end up like me.......

Actions of the children reflect leadership from the dad-he is not backing you in decisions made for the whole family. So-stress to the child (the step d, not your husband) that certain outings will include the entire family; tell her people always ask after her when she doesn't attend, your side of the family and your friends are interested in her because she is the daughter of your husband and she is important. Start prepping her now for the next event, tell her how much it means to you for her to be there and what the purpose of the get-together is-leave hubby out of the middle-appeal directly to her. Get her word that she will go and if she bails-hand her a list of chores on the way out the door. Try to get some help with the fighting-it is debilitating-sit the children down and calmly talk to them-it really is sad when families break up-but a blessing when a new one, such as it is, is created as a result. I also find it odd that a 13 year old cannot stay home alone-it is almost as though your husband is hoping the daughter will throw a scene so that he can stay home, too??? Best of luck!

First, I'd stop making plans for the family and only make plans for yourself and your children. Once hubby starts to see that you could care less whether he's going or not, he'll start wanting to go.

My hubby used to tell me, every time I tried to make a plan, that he might have to work. So I would not make any plans. I finally got tired of that, so I just started making plans and telling him that this is what I am going to do. You are welcome to come or not, but I'm going. All of a sudden, making plans was no big deal and he will now tell his boss, sorry I can't work Sunday, I have plans with my family."

As far as her behavior and attitude, sit her down and explain to her that part of the fighting and yelling is caused by her bad behavior. So, if she doesn't want to come over, that's fine because then YOU can have a quiet and happy home. Once she realizes that the world actually does still revolve without her, she will change her tune as well.

Until then, leave them to themselves and enjoy your life.

Quick pat on the back. NO you are not the only parent who yells or raises their voice. I would say that is the exception and not the norm, but if the 13 yo comes from a house with a mom and a little sis to your home of two boys, a girl, a sm and dad - it creates a very loud environment by the sheer nature of having more people.

I agree with folks who say it is hubby, not daughter. He gives in too easily. Seriously, read Kid CEO - kids want to be in the driver's seat, but they are ill equipped to do so. Mom and dad have to take back the "big chair" and doing so means supporting each other's needs over those of the children.
good luck!! Some great advice here already, just had to toss in my 2cents.