Step Daughter Problems

Is this a weird joke?

My youngest made her older sister a Mother's Day card when she was around 3 yo. She said her big sister was like an other mother. My girls are still super close to this day.

She's just a little girl. Please try to love her as much as you can. Be happy that she loves the baby, that's a good thing.

it sounds as if you have a sadly adversarial relationship with a very small girl.
she seems to love the baby. that's a good thing.
instead of being worried about her stepping in and trying to take on the mother role with the baby, how about developing a warm and healthy relationship with her?
it must be distressing to be 10 years old and feel 'caught' when trying to bond with one's little brother. instead of trying to catch her out, maybe it would be nice to actually demonstrate to her what a healthy family feels like.
and if you don't know how to do this, get some family counseling.
ETA based on your SWH that's buried in the responses, my heart goes out to this little girl. she's lost in a family where she's marginalized, elbowed out by you and your kids, and bitterly resented by you. i'm so sorry her dad's not going to bat for her.
khairete
S.

I have a stepmom who married my dad when I was 7. You have to really love her with your heart and consider her your daughter too. That is your goal. This takes time. Years for some people. Your relationship with her may take years to bond and improve. You have to take the long road on this. It's great she is interested in and loves the baby...encourage that. Give her ownership...have her help with the baby and praise her for being such a great big sister. No, you should not be worried. You should be the adult and work on bonding with her and being a good parent/role model in her life. It takes time. PS - My son is a tween and they often answer in monosyllables. One way I found to bond is to sit and show interest in what your kid is really into...even if you hate it. My son loves these certain video games that I find quite boring but I asked questions about them, praised him, had him teach me how to play, played with him. It really makes him so very happy. Another thing I ask him about and have him share with me is the music he is really into. What is she into? Work on your relationship with her and getting to know her as a person. She needs supportive adults in life who love her for who she is.

She's 10. In her eyes, you have her dad all the time and she only gets to see him on certain days. She loves the baby and now she has to share him with you too. So yes, she's jealous and also nervous about her place in the family. She needs time and a lot of love to adjust.

I suggest that her dad set up a regular father-daughter date with her (maybe breakfast at a restaurant every Saturday or something like that). She deserves one-on-one time with him.

I don't think there is anything to worry about with the baby. Give her time.

Troll, yes?

Based on your answer/update, yeah, she doesn't like you. Is she required to? You can't make someone like you

I'm a stepmother and I remember 10 very well. She's a kid but she's on the verge of the "tween/teen" confusion. She's growing up and is caught between wanting to and not wanting to. She already questions her father not being with her mother, then her father marrying you (not you specifically - just anyone), and now there's a baby to share the attention with.

Saying that your son is "her baby" may be as much trying to emulate you and be a grown-up as it is trying to be possessive of something her father loves.

I don't think a 10 year old should be all that interested in playing with an 11 month old - you can't force her to have sisterly feelings, and they certainly have nothing in common due to the age difference.

I see your response came through as an answer below instead of an edit or a "So What Happened" so I'll try to include that info in my answer. Taking her for manicures is a "quick fix" (assuming she likes manicures) but she sees it for what it is: an attempt to encourage her gratitude and affection. And that's time away from her dad which may backfire. Ignoring you when you walk in the room? This is a total power play. You've got a 12 and 16 year old with you all the time, and this 10 year old comes and goes, is that right? So she really doesn't feel that she fits in to the rest of the family who are together all the time. And she's stuck between being a kid and being a teen - a tough time for any kid.

I think your husband has to be vigilant in terms of stopping any disrespect, but otherwise you have to let her work through it. If you don't trust her with the baby, don't leave her alone with him. It really doesn't matter if she doesn't "love on him constantly" - it really doesn't. You can't give a 10 year old the job of making you feel better about your baby. Your baby will be fine with the love you give him, his dad gives him, and the bonus of the 2 older kids. Give this 10 year old time and don't let her get to you. You have to be the role model of a confident and loving mother/mother figure who can't be baited by a child. You will, in the long run, be someone she looks to for advice. My 2 stepdaughters realize that their father and I are the only role models for a happy marriage they have ever seen. Don't let your jealousy of her or disappointment in her or rejection by her get you down. You have to be the bigger person.

Try to do some all-family activities like board games especially the kind that aren't slanted toward older kids/adults so she's not at a disadvantage. Enjoying family time together, especially during the baby's naps, can be helpful if you are patient. If you want her to cook with you, then ALL the kids should be helping out plus Dad. If you single her out, she'll know what you're doing and she'll pull away.

Are you married? How long have you been together?

She is 10. From your answers it appears you do not make too much of an effort to include or develop a meaningful relationship. Helping cook, shop, etc. are all superficial, surface type answers that people give when they "try" to do something with kids that aren't theirs.

I'm biased, but I had a terrible relationship with my stepmother. I was 8 when my dad met her. She was only 21 at the time, so she was young and had no experience with kids. I was 9 when they married. She would not engage with me unless forced to by my father or just by chance. She hated me as I reminded her of my mother. Doted on my brother, but always gave me a hard time. I'm not saying this is you, but anytime I see these posts, I always seem to find myself sympathizing with the child in question.

With that being said, if you already have the attitude that this girl hates you, you have given up and just aren't going to care as much about her. It doesn't sound like she hates your child. It appears as though she dotes on him. Which is a good thing. She probably is wanting someone to love and show love to. She wants to be apart of a family, that is obvious, but she doesn't feel you want it with her. Probably why she avoids showing her love for her brother when you aren't looking.

This girl is in pain.

Family counseling will be needed if you truly care about having a relationship with her.

I reread your post and your answer buried down. You did come for advise and that is what you have received.

I'm not a step parent nor did I have step parents. However, I was the mother to a 10 year old little girl. That age is unique and that is why they are "tweens" Please remember he was her father before he became your husband. Before y'all got married, was there any family counseling? Did she always resent you? Because honey that is what you have now.

Sounds like she went from it being her and her dad to the brady bunch. Her place in the family has been displaced and your annoyed because she isn't falling into line. Put yourself into her position. Getting nails done and cooking are great but are you complaining to her all the time? Do you leave her out? Do you show favoritism? She is NOT connected to you like your children are. She IS connected to the baby. That is great. Perhaps she doesn't want to play with him around you because you criticize her about what she is doing. I don't know because I'm not there.

Long and short, you can't make her like you but your husband can require that EVERYONE treat EVERYONE with respect and dignity.

She's ten for heaven's sake. Maybe she spends time with him when you aren't around because you tell her what to do when you are? I don't know. I wouldn't be worried about this. A lot of kids call their younger sibs "my baby". You sound really insecure.

I read your question and also your added bit down below in the questions. Two separate problems from the sounds of it.

I think her interest in her sibling is pretty typical for a child who has not had a sibling (not counting your older kids). My brother married a woman who had an older child. When they had kids, his stepdaughter was very possessive of her siblings. It was actually a really good way for the family to bond. It wore off as the kids became more annoying as they aged and got into her stuff. But in the beginning, my mom mentioned how interested she was in them. I don't see this as a problem myself.

As for you thinking she hates you and is trying to come between you and your husband - that's something you need to address, because she's a child and she likely doesn't feel secure. I think it's nice you've done things with her one on one. I think just accepting her for who she is, instead of seeing her as a child with problems, would go a long way. One of my kids has seemed difficult at times. He just felt not accepted as who he was. When we stopped treating him as having problems (and causing stress) and just listened, and was there for him, it all changed.

You might find it beneficial to talk to a counselor. I did. I just changed my approach. If you see kids as a problem, it doesn't go away. Accept them as is, and try to create a more secure and loving environment for them.

I don't understand what there is to be worried about. You're afraid a 10 year old might like pretending or role-playing being the mom of a baby? I would not be worried.

If she's up to something, she's probably trying to rattle you, it's probably because of jealousy issues, being the older step-child and now there is a new baby. She probably is experiencing a lot of emotions and could be acting out passive aggressively.

Don't forget to give her plenty of attention and one-on-one time with you and her dad too. If it really becomes bothersome, it wouldn't hurt to look into family therapy

I wouldn't worry about it. She's a ten year old adjusting to a sibling.

I came on here for advice....there is a little more to the story, I feel she absolutely hates me..when ever I walk in the room and she is talking to her dad, she stops and looks at me. She ignores me. I have taken her out to get nails done, let her help me cook and she never says anything, I ask her questions and it's short answers. She doesn't like for me and her dad to go out, she gets sick. Then we do get back she ask her dad 50 questions about our date..only when I'm not around..and he answers every question. She even ask questions about me. I just feel like she is fighting with me for her dad, she gets alone time with playing sports..what else can I do? I also feel she will never be ok with me and her being together. I also have 12 yr boy and 16 yr old girl that lives with us. They love on him constantly.

Updated

Wow she loves him. And please acknowledge that and her as well.. let her help she's ten and never had a sibling she's enjoying it but give her equal attention so there isn't any jealously

It appears she the odd man out amongst you & your other kids. No doubt recognizes the attention being sucked up by all that you brought to her table. Give her a break & try to do all things concerning her with an open honest good heart! If you feel yourself looking at her behavior and only seeing it in a negative light it might be a clue for you to adjust your attitude when it comes to her. The fact is she doesn't have to like you, love you or your children...

But it sounds to me like she does enjoy the baby, just not when your involved or watching, you probably make her feel judged, always watching & eavesdropping on her & her dad's convos!

Sounds like she needs to be reminded that her baby brother is YOUR SON (just like her father is YOUR MAN). She feeds him and acts loving towards him BEHIND YOUR BACK?! Very sneaky...she thinks she's slick....