Step Kids

Girl I totally understand where you are coming from. I have the same types of issues. My husband has 3 other kids from 2 previous relationships. They are 7,6 and 5. The girls seem to do this more than the little boy. I have always told them they are not allowed to act like that in my house and they shouldn't act like that at their own. When she comes over and you have to get on to her hide the phone from her and tell her that she is not allowed to use it. Then you can tell her mother how she has been when you talk to her. Those situations are too hard to deal with for me but I just have to make the best of a bad situation. I have begun leaving ant punishment or other issues to my husband or their mother. I just feel its best for everyone if I dont get involved.

Actions have to be taken immediately when situations arise. I know this, you can't just ignore the fact that your stepdaughter is behaving extremely badly, and that something needs to be done about it. It can't just be ignored until her mom or dad gets around to her.
However here's a different approach.... as soon as she starts this turn the tables on her, YOU call her mom/dad first. Let her get a piece of her own medicine (preferably her dad simply because he loves and trusts you 110% ). I wouldn't do this every time, but let it be known she can't pull the upper hand on you. Then send her to her room, take every electronic device she has away from her, if she has a desktop computer, unplug the mouse and keyboard and take them with you, then walk out.
Let her stew for a while. Then about an hour later, ask her if she would like her things back, of course she will say yes and if this happened because she didn't want to do something, tell her she has to do it before she can get it back, if she was just plain rude, ask her for an apology. If she doesn't, keep her things for another hour, and so on and so forth until she does what she should. This works with my kids, and it worked for my brother (who was a step-child) and also prevented him and my father (his stepfather) from fighting TOO very much lol.

Hi Jancie, My heart goes out to you. Try gathering all parties involved and talk it out. Usually only if everyone hears the same thing/rules at the same time nothing will any longer be misunderstood. If you and your husband are the primary cargiver to 10 yr old daughter.

Your husband needs to be the one to solve the problem. Make sure he knows how they make you feel and ask him to tell them the next time they call that he supports you 100% and not to call him to tattle and then he should not even tell you they called.

I have a 12 year old step daughter who lives with her mother. Fortunately I've been in her life since she was four. But, in the beginning I was afraid to treat her like my own. The only advice I can give you is to sit down with the Ex, your husband and the daughter at the same time and they need to explain to her that you are her step mother and that when she is in your house that she has to abide by your rules. It will only work if all four of you are in the room at the time of the coversasion. As for the mother in law, you need to ask her not to get involved. When the daughter calls her to complain, she needs to be the grown up and tell her that your not trying to be mean. Mother in laws are tough to deal with sometimes. I hope everything works out for you.

Pray for evryone and ask God to give your guidance and patience. Sometimes saying nothing no matter how much it hurts is best. Prayer helped me.

Hey, coming from a broken home myself, I can tell you this behavior is completely normal. The problem is not her behavior it is the way the adults are handling it. She is testing all of you. She wants to belong, but is scared this "new family" is not going to last. After all her last one did not. She needs stability and discipline like all children, but through no fault of your own she doesn't seem to be getting it. DO NOT take the phone away from her. This is not good solution and will only cause more drama when the women find out she was not allowed to call and complain. Again the behavior is normal, she needs to go through this to find her place. The change needs to come from the way her adults handle her behavior.

When you have a talk with your husband and then with the mother and mother-in-law (which I believe you need to have), stress that you all need to work together for your daughter! She needs a united front. She needs to know that when she does something wrong there will be the same consequences wherever she is. I promise if you guys can't get together on this SHE is the one who is going to be hurt in the long run.

You should probably have a sit down where you explain the rules and what your punishments are. It would also be good for the daughter to be included at the end of the meeting (after everyone has decided to work together, hopefully), and everyone explain to her what is acceptable and what is not.
Talk to your husband beforehand, so there are no suprises. Remind him that he married you for more than your looks, LOL. He obviously believed that you would also be a good role model and mother figure for his daughter.

Lastly, whatever happens, keep up the good work! I can only wish that I had been lucky enough to have a step-mother who loved me and wanted to do the right thing by me! Your daughter is very lucky to have you, and I bet one day she will realize it.

S.

I agree with Ellen, put your foot down, that is your house, and make sure the husband is backing you up. As long as your treating her the same as your own kids. Everyone needs rules. I raised my stepson from 15 months old and my husband was behind me 100%. If he would have threatened to call his mom, I would have handed him the phone and dialed her # for him. Then I would have had the mom come pick him up, I wouldn't allow any child in my house to be unruly, even my own. It might sound mean, but you can't let that child walk on you. I was also a stepchild raised by a man who wasn't my dad, he treated his kids better than me. So when I became a step mom I vowed to treat them all equal. My stepson is all grown up now, and we have a great friendship. He treats me with more respect than his own mother.

This doesn't have to be complicated. 1)Husband backing you up. 2) Stand your ground. 3) If the ex wifey don't like it, come pick up her kid.

J.,

Boy do I know where you are coming from. I married ready made family 19 1/2 years ago. My husband had 3 daughters, aged 15 10 & 9 when I married him. I put my foot down as soon as they started coming over. My house My rules. I also let the ex know it also that I was not about to allow her children to run my household. It is time you sat down with the ex and the mother in law and told them that. Make sure your husband backs up up. You will need to talk to him first on this. You BOTH have to put your foot down. If they take a 10 year olds word over an adult, then there is something wrong and they need to address that now.

I ended up raising two of the three. The oldest one started out by saying that it was her fathers house and she could do as she pleased. I told her that if she wanted to live there, she could either live by my rules or move back in with her mother. Then she would never be allowed to see her father again. She called her mom, complained and when I spoke to the ex, I told her how it was to be in my house and she had nothing to say. Your husband's ex has to agree with you that you deserve respect as well as she does. You need to talk to her without the daughter there and come to an agreement about how things are handled in YOUR house. The mother in law has to be told too.

It will not be easy, but stick to your guns and make sure your husband backs you otherwise things will get worse as she grows up.

I have a step daugher that wouldn't live with me because of my rules. She would only stay the weekends. She learned quickly that even though she didn't live with me there were still rules to be followed in my house.

Good luck.

E.

That's a hard situation. Have you tried maybe sitting down with the mother and mother-in-law and setting ground rules with everyone (especially you) so no one gets upset about anything. You do need to tell them that your boys have ground rules and so should she when she is at YOUR house. Maybe your husband can be their just to keep the other two in check. He also needs to tell them that you disepline the kids to because he is not always there. That you two CAN NOT have her running all over you because you are the "stepmom". ALL of the kids are going to be treated the same. I had a stepfather and he diseplined us not my mom. Just let them know that if their are not ground rules at dad's then think of how she will act when she is at mom's. Good luck and please let me know how everything turns out.

Your story sounds so very much like mine about 10-12 years ago ... I will keep this short and sweet. I married a man who had a 12 year old daughter and I had an 8 year old son. I loved that child as though she were my own, but when she got into trouble, she would tell her Dad stories that "stretched the truth" sometimes from a little to other times a lot!! Even though she tried my patience many times, I kept being consistent with her and letting her know that everything I did was out of love, caring and concern for her. And a good friend of mine was always there to back me up and let me know I was doing the right thing and that one day she would understand. Well, now she is a young mother with 2 children of her own and even though her Dad and I divorced last year, she is still MY daughter and her children are MY grandchildren. She came to me one day about 3 years ago and apologized for her behavior ... told me that she knew I loved her because I never gave up on her and always tried to do the right thing, and that she was very sorry for "having gotten me in trouble" with her Dad. I told her that I understod and did not hold a grudge, that I knew she was a child struggling to fit in and grow up. We now have a terrific relationship and I love her, and her little family, as my own ... because they ARE my own!!
So, hang in there ... it is worth it!!

I can't disagree more with the person who first responded to you. It is not your position to discipline your step daughter. She already has 2 parents...she doesn't need 4(you and her mother's husband if she has one). I suggest that you, your husband, and your step-daughter's mother talk with a family therapist to figure out the best solution. The most important thing is that the parents are all on the same page and that you guys effectively communicate with one another.

I speak from personal experience...as a step daughter. My mother married my step father when I was in 5th grade. I liked him a lot before he tried to be the disciplinarian. My thought was that he was not my REAL father and couldn't tell me what to do. No matter how close of a relationship you have with your step-daughter, you are not her real mother. If you don't like the way your step-daughter is treating you then your husband needs to step up and stand up for you.

J.,
You need to sit down with your husband (no one else need be involved)and let him know your feelings. I have 4 step daughters and 2 boys of my own. I treat them all the same. There is not any other way, and get the respect you deserve. My husband would not have it any other way either. If she calls her mom or your mother-in-law and says you are being mean, why can you not stop her from using the phone? She is 10. Have her call her father instead and let him know what she did to get in trouble. Leave out the middle man. Do you tell her mother or your mother-in-law how to punish her---probably not, so they should not tell you how to punish her. She needs to learn rules and boundaries. If you don't put your foot down now, she is going to walk all over you when she becomes a teenager. If your husband can't agree to her having the same set of rules as your children then there is something wrong there.

I agree with the majority opinion--you have to decide with your husband how your household is going to be run. This is not acceptable--your stepdaughter is setting the rules, not her father, mother, grandmother, or you. It's totally backwards! It's not desirable or feasible for you never to be able to discipline your stepdaughter in the absence of her parents; but you do need to be on precisely the same page with your husband, so that he can back you up when the ex-wife or his mother calls. He needs to support you 100% and tell them to stop calling him....but to do that, he must be able to support you 100%, and you may not like having to change how you're handling the situation in order for him to support you. But the trade-off will be worth it. You are not this little girl's mom, but you should have authority over her, as an adult and her step-mom. However, if your husband is not going to support your decisions, then he needs to tell you which decisions he will support. I also think it would be a great idea for his ex-wife and mom to be involved, so that they can give ideas of what is to be done when the girl behaves inappropriately. This can be constructive, and should be done without her presence. It may be preferable for the four of you to go out to dinner, and have a "round-table" discussion, where you can present your problems--be honest, but be sweet. Express your concerns about your step-daughter's behavior, and fears that she will get worse if you don't do something; and ask them what their opinion is when X happens. Give them a real situation that has happened recently--how this girl did something, and ask if that behavior is appropriate? If they say "yes," then you'll have to alter your ideals for this poor child; if they say "no," then ask them how they would deal with the situation. If they would deal with the situation differently, then be prepared to change how you handle the matter; if they say you need to ground her from the computer (which is exactly what you did), then tell them that's what happened.

Your step-daughter is driving a wedge between you and your husband, and is playing her parents off of each other, and getting her grandmother involved, to boot. This is normal, but not acceptable. You are adults, and need to be able to handle this matter appropriately. Once the four of you are in agreement with how a situation should be handled, then she will not be able to start this power struggle.

Your husband may need to just tell his mom that it is none of her business, and she is not to call him any more when his daughter complains about you. And he should encourage his mom not to listen to such complaints; and tell his daughter not to call her any more.

The ex-wife is a little trickier, because this girl is her daughter too. If you all get on the same page, then that should handle the situation. Be prepared to swallow your pride (and possibly some of your ideals) so that you can follow the ex-wife's rules on handling her daughter. It will not be fun, but it will be worth it in the long run.

Your husband is the central player in all of this--he must make the decisions, and make all the other players (you, the ex-wife, his mom and his daughter) follow the rules. And he should back you up 100%, as long as you are acting in accordance with his wishes.

You and your husband need to stand by one another on how you discipline and be a team. I think that your husband and you need to sit down with your step-daughter and let her know that you two stand by each other the way you dicipline and that, as you are not her mother, that you love her like your own flesh and blood and that you care about her enough to stand by your decisions. Let her know that she is NOT to be calling her mom and her grandmother and pleading with them. If it does happen, there needs to be a concequence for her actions. She needs to be able to have contact with them, but not playing everyone against everyone, that needs to be squelched NOW or it's going to ruin your marriage, and everyone involved. DO NOT let her play you guys anymore. I think your husband needs to put his foot down the his ex-wife and mother in law too. It's going to get really messy if you don't. You might even need to get a 3rd party involved, a counselor or mediator, for your daughter to have someone to blow off some steam and help her see that her actions are inappropriate and help her know what to do to redirect it.

I hope this helps,

L.

Being a step-kid I know what is going on. But my situation was a little different, my mother died when I was 13 and I had to move half way across the United States to live with my dad and step-mother. So I didn't have any one to call for "help".
But my step-mother was at times very mean to me and nice to her kids. She would do so much little stuff that it just built a wall where I couldn't stand her. Her girls could do no wrong and I was like Cinderella, cleaning and doing all her little chores and her girls just got to lay around and do what ever they wanted, which wasn't anything. My point is, you don't want to treat these kids different. If she is thinking you treat your kids better, that may be why she is calling for "help", not only that she may think she can break you and her father's relationship up, if she acts this way. I really don't know what to say, other than make sure your husband will back u up, to the mother and the in-laws, and by the way why are the in-laws so involved? You can eliminate one of the problems right there by telling them (the in-laws) look when she calls tell her she needs to take this problem up with her father, not them and they need to be left out, this could be brought up at a family meeting, have her, you, her father, her mother and the in-laws all sit down and have a meeting of the minds so to say, she needs to know that all the adults in her life have her best intrest at heart and that ALL of you are on the same page, b/c she is just a child and she needs to be put in her place, (if you are honestly not treating your kids better or different than her) And that would be a good time for the in-laws to tell her, "if you have a problem take it to your dad, not us" maybe if she hears this come from them she will realize her "game" is not going to work anymore.
Good luck, blended family's can be hard, believe me I know, first hand. You'll have to give us an update and let us know what worker/didn't.