Still Adjusting with Boyfriend as New Parents

Hi- What you're trying to do is so difficult. Who knows what would have happened with your relationship if you had not gotten pregnant, but you did and that's the situation you have to deal with now. My advice is to reach deep inside yourself and be the biggest person you possible can. For the sake of your son, let what your BF says go. No matter how crazy he sounds or how mad it might make you at the time try to take the high road, every single time. It takes two to argue and if you don't engage in a fight there won't be one. Sounds easy right? It's not, after 14 years of marriage and two kids I still have to bite my tongue and shut up sometimes (I'm sure my husband does too:). Your on the right track going to school and trying to make a better life for your son. As long as your BF is not abusive or dishonest and you love him, try being the bigger person. The next time he says something that makes you mad take a deep breath and think of your boy and what kind of life you want for him. You can do it!

maybe you cant affrod to pay soemone for couples therapy but you can try to do it yourself. set a time each week that the baby is sleeping or with someone else and just sit to talk to each other. my husband and i have been together for 8 years married for almost 5 and that is what we do, we always have. even when things are just fine we always sit down with no distractions and just talk. talk about how we are feeling our son , about our lives, our family, each other and so on. it makes it easier to work through problems before they become problems. i have learned things that had i let go would have cause big fights but talking about it while we are calm really helps. everyone fights it doesn't eliminate the fights it just helps to contain them :) you are very smart to want to make things work for your son, but in the end if you and the father cannot work it out by being together then you can still both be VERY VERY good parents by raising him together but in separate homes. as long as you are both agreed that your child comes first then you can work out the issues together or apart. I hope that you are granted the strength to work through these problems.

Hey honey! Check with your local social services office... they can stear you in the right direction as far as FREE couples counseling (it's out there, my boyfriend and I have done it!)... Also, while I think it's really admirable you are both trying to work it out for the sake of your son, sometimes it's 100% healthier for the child for the parents to split. This doesn't seem to be your case, but just keep it in the back of your head that as long as you and your boyfriend have a responsible, adult split, it may be better in the long run than staying together and constantly arguing. There's also a really great book out there (with his and her workbooks!) called 'Saving your marriage before it starts'... it doesn't touch on parenting too much, but it is a really great eye opener as far as seeing things from your standpoint, and his. Good luck!! BTW, my daughters are not my boyfriends... if I had stayed with their dad, life would have surely been HELL for them. Now, they consider my boyfriend (of 3+ years, we just had a baby together) their father, and they are much happier and mentally healthy this way! Again, good luck!

My husband and I have been together for 14 years and before our sons, we had the perfect relationship. Not only are you guys first time parents, but new partners as well. You have a double whammy! Since you're still getting to know each other and have the stresses of a newborn, you really need to take time for yourselves, however you might get it. Dinner alone while the baby is sleeping, watch a movie together, etc. It seems that when me and my husband fight, it's almost always because we either need some alone time, or some couple time and the stresses of everything else gets our fights going. I agree with the other responses as well, if you have tried everything and nothing seems to work, it is better for everyone to part ways and co-parent separtely.

Hi Z. Sounds like you really have a lot on your plate right now, and it's great that you're reaching out for help. I know you said you can't afford therapy, but consider calling The Family Institute at Northwestern University. They have a sliding scale and they sometimes charge as little as $5 per session. The phone # is ###-###-####, or online at www.family-institute.org. (I am a trainee there.) All the best to you.

I was 17 when I married on Oct 25th and had our first child on Oct 27th... we tried from April when I found out I was pregnant till Oct to get my mom to sign the marrage papers, since Ohio you have to be 18 or 16 w/ parents concent. It was a HUGE adjustment... we went from no worries in the world to all of them in a matter of just a few days. We both lived at home till about 5 days after we were married when we got our first appartment. As to the fighting - somedays it seemed like it all that we did. And yes he got over it faster then I did... I also we dealing with all the hormon issues from having the baby.

Actually one of the biggest things we fought over was the "attention" I gave the baby & not him... I would be dead tired and fall asleep on the couch feeding her at night & he would wake-up to me not beside him - which pissed him off & started the fight. And were are complete opposites - even today our views are not the same on a lot of stuff, but we have made it work & the fighting is down to about once or twice a month depending on our stress levels. So you know, we have been married for 15 yrs now & have 4 kids w/ one on the way. The way I look at things is - if there is love between both parties, there is always something to work with & for. So in my eyes... there is a point to stick it out and keep trying!

Good luck & a wish you a fight free day soon w/ fight free weeks to follow!

There may be free counselling or therapy available thru your church or local government. check with your city or township. Counselling is really important at this time. You might even be able to find help through a local hospital. I hope things do work out for yours and your son's sake. If there is somewhere you can go it might not be a bad idea to separate for a time at least to give you both time to think about this relationship. The arguing is simply not going to stop just because you want it to. Having this stress around is also not going to allow you to think clearly.

I agree that staying together for the sake of your son is not a good idea. No child should have that pressure put on them, and they will know it eventually. That being said, it sounds to me like there is hope for you anyway. You have to look at your relationship with him as separate from your role as mom. Being a parent is not the same as being married. They are two separate things. When you want to work on your relationship problems, don't think of him as your child's father, think of him as your significant other that you love.

Men and women communicate differently. And their brains are wired differently. We will never fully understand each other. But it helps to know how they are "built" so you know where they are coming from and why they are acting a certain way. Check out some books from your library on communication skills, specifically in a marriage setting. Read anything you can about making relationships work. Then make him read the ones that you think are relevant to your situation. He needs to understand how your brain works too. Then you might be able to start getting along better.

Not to push religion on you, but a church would be a great source of help if you are so inclined. I know some churches will offer free counseling sessions. My sister and her husband (whose relationship sounds exactly like yours, by the way) recently joined a church and one of the reasons was for this counseling that they offer to every member. I don't think you should just go find a church to take advantage of free therapy, but you might find that you benefit from the church in other ways also. Who doesn't need a support network?

I got married very young as well, and it is difficult even if you don't have a child. So here is my last piece of advice- every time you have a fight or get angry or even just every night before you go to bed, stop and ask yourself this. Is it worth it? Do I love him? Would being without him be worse than this right now? If the answer is yes, then you can work through everything else. If you ever answer no, then you know where you stand. I hope everything works out for you, and I wish you the best!

You do need couples therapy. It sounds like you both are committed to working it out, and that makes you great candidates. You just need to learn to communicate more effectively. Since you already said you cannot afford it; my advice is to actually ask your health insurance. Sometimes they cover 6 sessions and often that is enough. If you insurance does not cover, often state agencies have family services that work on a sliding scale. I don't know where you are, but Purdue University offers family services to state residents. Perhaps your local University does too. Good luck to you, family is everthing!

The big question is, what exactly do you love about this man? What do you LOVE about being in this relationship? You cry at least every other day, and argue daily. Yes, parenthood is tough. Its a balancing act, but most new parents do not live this way.
You got pregnant early, and by that you made your relationship permanent without meaning to, and before it/you were ready. You were not able to test you comparability before the pregnancy. That took the focus off of the 2 of you and put it on your pregnancy and baby. Now the gloves are off. The thing you need to figure out is how you are going to fix it, or if you even want to.
Staying in a volatile relationship for the sake of a child is ludicrous. Your child is NOT better off living in a household where his parents a at each other's throats all the time. He knows...even if you try to keep it to a minimum when he's around, he knows.
If you have a clergy member, community center, a trusted friend. Try to find somebody to help you mediate. Either fix it, so you are BOTH happy (not just suffering in silence), or get out before you can no longer parent together peacefully. If you break up, you guys can be loving affectionate parents to your son from different households.

Sorry for these harsh words, but you need them. My heart goes out to you, and I wish you the best.

Being a good parent will be the most difficult thing you ever do. Yes, it's very tough and it's only going to get harder.

The second most difficult thing you'll ever do is have a long lasting happy marraige. It takes a lot of work and compromise. During the first 6 months to a year everyone is madly in love, than reality sets in.

You love him. Does he love you just as much? It takes a lot more than love to make a relationship work. You have to be compatible, you have to have the same interests and similar goals. You have to be able to communicate. Only you can answer those questions.

What do you argue about? Important things or stupid things? If it's important stuff, then you need to take a close look at your relationship. If it's stupid stuff, learn to let it go. Who starts the agruments? If he starts an agrument, try walking away. Try just being quiet and listening to what he's saying. Respond in a calm manner.

The absolute worst thing you can do is stay together for the "sake of your child". Your child will know you don't get along, he'll be miserable too. You grew up in a broken home, do you want the same for your son?

Sounds like you are both stressed, tired, and feeling trapped by the suddenness of all of this, and are taking it out in each other. I don't have the impression that you have a problem with HIM, just with the situation and the emotions flying around.
Understand that men "vent" differently than women do. Women often talk to their friends for sympathy...men often blow off steam verbally. So when he yells and then forgets about it quickly--it's probably because he doesn't mean it. He could try to find another outlet--like going to a batting cage to take out his frustrations there.
Let him know some simple ways that he can show you that he cares about you, and find ways to show him that you care. In other words, try to communicate positively and non-verbally. For example, if I walk into the kitchen and see that it is clean, I know that my husband did it because he knows it stresses me to try to cook in a messy kitchen. This makes me more relaxed.

Make sure that you both have Alone time and Together time.

You should each try visualizing your ideal lives. What kinds of things do you want to do in life? Who are you with?

If you want to be with each other, and want to raise your child...then realize that you already have half of your ideal life! You just need to fine tune it a little. But parenting is exhausting...and right now, rest is probably a hug priority.
If you have friends and family willing to help, LET THEM help. Get rest. Find a mental escape once in a while.