Still Needing Advice for Out of Control 6 Yr Old Step Child

Updated on March 18, 2007
J.S. asks from Lewiston, ID
7 answers

Last time I wrote my step son had been in trouble again for telling a teacher to "shut up" and spitting in her face. This has been an ongoing problem. We talked to his principal & got him set up to see the counselor...as well as grounded him from T.V., gameboy, Xbox, movies, basically from anything fun for about two weeks (until he earned it back.)
He got in trouble again yesterday because he slapped his teacher...he says he did it because he thought it would be "funny."
Any ideas on what we should do? His mom does not discipline him at all! Last time she took him out for dinner and ice cream and bought him new shoes!!!

What can I do next?

  • Add yourAnswer own comment
  • Ask your own question Add Question
  • Join the Mamapedia community Mamapedia
  • as inappropriate
  • this with your friends

More Answers

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

R.S.

answers from Bellingham on

Wow, 6 is so young to be having these kinds of problems! I am so worried about this little guy. I think It’s great that you are trying to find a way to help him out since his Mom isn’t. He may be looking for someone to be a Mother to him, someone who can give him guidance. Some Mom's just don't know how and they need guidance too. It’s been said somewhere that children act out for attention. It sounds like maybe he isn’t getting enough attention/guidacne from his Mom or whoever he craves attention from. I have noticed with my 4 kids that when they do something inappropriate and I dish out the maximum punishment and go on (with my chores or activities in the home), their actions & attitudes don’t seem to change much. But when I sit down and talk about the situation, and ask them how they think they can do better, it seems to help. In fact if I don’t feel they truly are remorseful for their act, we talk some more and the time passes when they could be playing….they don’t like that. I does take some time on the parents part though. It is hard to sit down for a long chat when you have things you want to do too. We haven’t had any major behavioral issues (knock on wood), but this seems to work with our little misbehaviors. As mentioned already, I also think it’s a good idea to get him to talk with a child counselor with the Mom or another parent going too with him to get ideas appropriate to help the whole family. I just think he needs some extra guidace. He is just so young now, and a change now could mean a lot to such a little guy. If you wait till he is older, he will be much more set in his behavioral ways. I just really feel for him. Good luck getting to the bottom of this!

R.

2 moms found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

M.C.

answers from Spokane on

try a positive approch with a reward program, if he is good for a week he gets at choice out of the prize nox(dollar store prizes are good for 6year olds, and if he is good for a week do something a little biger, maybe a date to the movies! the way to tell if he had a good day is by asking the teacher to just put a stamp on his had that say super or something to this nature,
M. :)

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

J.E.

answers from Seattle on

Im thinking that when you disapline it needs to be related to what happened. So if he's hitting the teacher he should write her a sorry letter, not be around people (dinner alone, not go to the park with rest of family, or no movie time with family). Something to do with not being able to hurt others. He also needs to know how vveerryy important it is to respect authority. ALSO BECARFULL THAT IF YOU FIND OUT HE HAS ADHD, ADD AND SO ON THAT YOU DONT LET IT BE AN EXCUSE FOR THE BEHAVIOR. WHEN HE'S 18+ THE JUDGE WONT SAY TO HIM "OH YOU HAVE ADHD, THEN THATS OK YOU......

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

T.L.

answers from Portland on

I think scence there are 3 parents all 3 of you need comunacation about the behavior

Plz try this....no mader how much you want to scream.......Just come up with in your head bad behavior does not EVEN DISERVE my attention.

But be quick to point out good behavior.

Maby he will think ooooo! Iget prase for good and not bad.
He will want to do the good.

I am kinda going through the same thing and this has been working for me for about 3 weeks

good luck
T.

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

M.P.

answers from Portland on

I couldn't find your last request to find out how much of the time you have your step-son. If you're the primary care takers and he just visits his mom then what you do will eventually be the most important influence. There really is nothing you can do about what the mother does as I'm sure you've found out.

I've adopted a foster child whom I've reised since she was 7. She did those sort of things to me, I'm told because I was the safest person for her to do them to. She knew I wouldn't get rid of her. And she was so very angry because of having been abused and passed around. Your step son is not doubt also very angry. Divorces do that to kids and when they do not know healthy ways to express that angry they hurt either themselves or other people. I was told that in a way it was better that my daughter hurt other people instead of herself. If she was being nice on the outside and thinking of hurting herself we might not have been aware that we needed to help her. Some consolation, huh. :(

What does the counselor recommend? He's had training and experience with this.

From my experience and what I've learned from the counselors is that punishment does not work. It only increases the anger. Washing out his mouth with soap does not tell him why he should not lie. It does tell him that lying makes you angry and increases his anger. I've learned that if consequences which teach are much more helpful.
And thus consequences that are related to the wrong action are the better way. And consequences that are delivered in a calm and even loving way are even better.

I used a parenting book entitled Parent Effectiveness Training which helped me a lot. There is more to the title and I can't tell you the author's name either because my daughter has it now. She's 26, has 2 children, and has successfully learned to manage her anger and her actions. So there is hope.

This book and others give examples of logical consequences. If he slaps or spits at school they are the one to give him consequences. You support the school's decision. At home, it is reasonable to take away one privilege or activity and arrange for him to have a way to get it back. You could take away one more for each misbehavior after that. But to take away all of them to create a week without any fun is counter productive. How would you feel and react if that happened to you? Angry, I bet. And it's anger that you're trying to help him get control of.

I agree that taking him out to dinner and for ice cream is not the right thing to do. But I do recommend that you spend more time with him having fun when he is behaving. In addition to being angry I suspect he is also trying to get more attention. Being 1 in 5 and being the outsider with you is very difficult.

All problems within a family are the result of family dynamics. The child with the obvious problem is called the scapegoat. And so I'd recommend some family counseling. Start out with just you and your husband and see what the counselor suggests. Or if he won't go just you go and get some information.

My daughter hit me because I allowed her to do so. I was told that over and over and I kept trying different things but none of them worked for years. I finally realized that even tho I gave consequences and thought I was giving her the message that hitting me was not alright I was causing some of her behavior by responding to her words in a defensive manner. I wasn't just listening to her when listening was all that she needed. I was focused on discipline. Once I learned to not respond to her angry remarks, such as you're not my mother and can't tell me what to do, by ignoring what she said she had no reason to hit me. I still stuck to the rule quietly inside my head at that moment but didn't try to explain anything about it. I could then provide a consequence when she did break the rule in a calm, unemotional and non-argumentative way. It took me years to learn that. I kept wanting to convince her to agree with me and to do what I said because she could understand it and agree. We had lots of arguments. Once I stopped arguing she stopped hitting me. Now I can see how frustrating it is to have someone tell a child that they are right and the child is wrong. Who is right doesn't matter. What is important is that the child obeys.

I don't know if that helps or even fits what is going on with you. It's just what worked for me. And I'm suggesting that you can use that idea for his actions other than hitting since he doesn't hit you.

Another thing that I learned is that if I include the child with writing down the rules and decide on the consequences as well as have only a few rules, that the child has an incentive to follow the rules. Of course one of the rules is to never hit or hurt someone. These rules are different from chores although you can set up chores in the same way.

And positive attention is much more effective than negative attention. Catch him doing good as much as you can and praise him. When children do not get enough (and they are the one who decides what is enough) positive attention they will do something to get negative attention. And I'm guessing that because he is a child involved in a divorce he needs a whole lot more attention than your children who have been with you always even if yours also went thru a divorce. In addition to the anger he feels insecure. Punishment will make him feel even more unloved. Discipline will help him learn. There may not seem to be a difference between the two but there is. Discipline is done calmly and lovingly because there is something the child needs to learn. Punishment is frequently, tho not always, done in frustration and/or anger and is done to show the child he has done something wrong.

I know that remaining calm and feeling loving is extremely difficult. That is why sometimes we need to just send them to their room until we can be calm ourselves and then deal with the discipline. Sometimes just sending them to their room to think about what they've done while we think about it too (letting them know that is what we're doing sometimes) and then discussing what has happened is an effective disciplinary lesson all it's own.

I wish you luck. You are in a very complicated and emotional relationship with your stepson. Even if her weren't so angry being a step-mother is most difficult. I've been a step-mother too.
And I wasn't successful at it because my husband, the father, and I weren't on the same page. We couldn't agree on how to handle things and agreement in front of the child is essential.

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

J.O.

answers from Portland on

Wow, I don't have any advice, but I justed wanted to say I feel for you so much. That's got to be so hard since the "real" mom doesn't seem to think anything's wrong with it. Maybe a counselor, not one from school. He may have defiant disorder or he just may be going through something he needs to deal with through a lot of counseling. Good luck to you and your family and hang in there. oh the book Parent Effective Training that Marda P recommended is on Amazon.com and the author is Thomas Gordon.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

T.P.

answers from Spokane on

I would recommend that you get your son into therapy to discover what his rage and lack of understanding of what is disrespectful to others is all about. He seems to be angry about something and taking it out on the teacher. The school counselor might be able to give you some referral numbers to good therapist in your area. Kids just seem to be able to talk to a stranger about their feelings better than talking to their parents.

For Updates and Special Promotions
Follow Us

Related Questions

Related Searches