Do you include a monetary donation every time you send a sympathy card? Or just to people you are close to? I like to acknowledge my condolences but don't know if I have to include money every time. And how much do you send???
Thanks for all the advice. In our area, it is customary give money in a card at the wake, to help pay for the funeral and burial costs - or to donate to a charity in the person's name if the family members ask. However, I am living away at the moment and am unable to attend the services. Thank you for all the great advice!
I have never heard of putting money in a card. Make a donation, have a mass said or send flowers is what I do.
We never include a monetary donation in sympathy cards. At the *funeral* (technically afterward at the bereaved's home, but if there is no gathering or sitting after, at the funeral itself, or sometimes the wake) is when envelopes start being passed (with cash & checks). If for any reason the funeral is not attended, a separate missive is sent.
I've seen envelopes with $5 from children (presumably from their allowance), and up to 10k (the simplest "large" amount to gift since taxes don't apply)... but the "norm" if there is one... seems to be along the lines of weddings; $50-$100. Some a great deal higher (several hundred to several thousand), some a great deal less (ten to twenty). In most of the gatherings I've attended the envelopes are left blank so that the bereaved is not "responsible" for writing thank you notes, nor is there "standing" to be gotten from the amount of the gift. In some cultures/families this humbleness is so strict that even mailed monies need to be kept anonymous. In others families/cultures one's name is supposed to be on the envelope. Some place it inside with a brief note, some on the outside.
I had never heard of including money in a sympathy card until another post on this site a few days ago. Someone said in rural Minnesota it was very common, but it's not in the south. Is this something you hear of or encounter a lot in your area? Many times the family will request that donations be made to a charity or to a charity in lieu of flowers, but no one ever sends money in the card. We send flowers, make meals and donate to charities.
I have to say -unless this is something regularly done in your area of the country -don't do it. My mother died last year, and we were inundated with beautiful sympathy cards, flowers, plants, food and the American Cancer Society received many donations. However, if I had opened a card and found a check, I would have been insulted I think. Well, maybe not, because I would realize the person was trying to be nice and go in the spirit of that (and send the check to the cancer society), but it would have been odd.
I wouldn't put money in the card. If there were a need or a memorial fund set up, I would contribute to that separately.
This is the first that I was aware that a monetary donation is a part of a funeral. Both of my parents died as well as numerous other relatives and I don't recall there being any money donations. When the death has been within the family, family members sometimes contribute to the flower blanket laid on the coffin or buy separate flowers.
Our family appreciated cards and certainly didn't expect anything, not even flowers. We appreciated receiving condolences in the form of a card or attendance at the funeral or memorial service.
If it's to a memorial fund, I'd assume it works like it did in the church where I worked. When people listed the church in the obituary as the place to donate, the donations would come directly to the church, marked "In memory of" and the person's name. The church staff would compile a list to give the family, letting them know who donated, but they didn't have to deal with the actual process of organizing or handling the money.
I would say to always send a note to the family and send money to the memorial fund separately if you want to.
My sister died a year ago and a lot of people sent money, but some didn't. Her husband opened the cards that night and took all the money, which sounds bad, but he needed it for the funeral, and he looked at the cards later. My mom didn't even read all of the cards until the last month, she just couldn't. She doesn't remember who sent money and who didn't, it's all a blur. For us it didn't matter who sent money and who didn't, a card was a nice enough gesture. The most helpful thing...be there for the funeral. And then be there for them after. Monetary help only goes so far. But a friend...forever. They'll need you, that's when everyone goes away, after the funeral.
Updated
My sister died a year ago and a lot of people sent money, but some didn't. Her husband opened the cards that night and took all the money, which sounds bad, but he needed it for the funeral, and he looked at the cards later. My mom didn't even read all of the cards until the last month, she just couldn't. She doesn't remember who sent money and who didn't, it's all a blur. For us it didn't matter who sent money and who didn't, a card was a nice enough gesture. The most helpful thing...be there for the funeral. And then be there for them after. Monetary help only goes so far. But a friend...forever. They'll need you, that's when everyone goes away, after the funeral.
That is entirely up to you...when my parents passed away I received probably over 100 sympathy cards in both cases...but maybe 10 of them had a contribution to the memorial that we had set up for them. I didn't EXPECT everyone to to send money but was very pleased and grateful to those who did. Just like not everyone sends flowers to a funeral...not everyone is going to make a contribution to the memorial. If you were particularly close to the deceased or to one of the relatives and you WANT to give a monetary donation then by all means do...but a card, phone call, or visit is more than enough in most cases. Just knowing that you care and that you are there to give them emotional support is the most valuable thing you can do.
no, it is not customary to include money. sometimes a fund is set up but not necessarily, and even if there is it's totally optional to contribute.
khairete
S.
It is a regional and cultural thing.
In my State, and per local custom... people do put a monetary donation in the envelope with the sympathy card.
Asian cultures, do this... and so most locals in my State, Asian or not.
The 'money' is about helping the family with any funeral costs or otherwise.
It is up to you, how much....
all the best,
Susan
For close family members, yes. $20 - $50 is common. For everyone else, just a card or flowers expressing sympathy during this difficult time is fine.
