Teaching My Son How to Share

All of the answers are so great so far. My only other tip is if the sharing isn't working - and the redirecting isn't either- then put the toy in "time out". Not the kids, the toy. That way no one gets to play with it until everyone can agree. This is a bit more appropriate at 2 or 3 when they have the concept of giving/receiving/sharing- they just dont' want to! And works great when they are 4, 5 6, 10, 13,etc....

Personally, I'd let them squabble it out, as long as it didn't get too nasty, at which point I would take the toy away from them both, and tell them that if they can't play nicely together, then they can't play at all.

It is good to start young with talking about taking turns, playing together, your friend's feelings, etc. but 2 and 1 year olds are very young and really won't get the sharing thing unless you are sitting right there helping them through it. At that age it's almost better to just distract the one wanting something with another activity, preferably something they both can do together (ball toss, blocks, etc.) since the other one will likely think that looks like more fun than the original toy they were fussing over to begin with! I, personally, do not make my boys share everything all the time, either. It is okay to tell a child "that is Tommie's special bear and it looks like he is playing with it right now. Can I help you find a fun toy in this bin?" And if a certain toy is a problem time after time you might want to put it away before your playdates so they can focus on the other toys. It is age appropriate to expect children this age to play "side by side" more than cooperatively together (unless you are helping the play scenario), so if they just sort of hang out doing their own thing but in the same room, then it's a success! If they fight then they need help and distraction. Closer to age 3 kids play like buddies, and if yours start building friendships now, they will be great pals. It will continue to be alot of work, those playdates, for the next few years, but what else are we going to do all day? (I do anything to avoid my sink of dishes!) ha ha
Have fun!

P. (SAHM with 3 boys ages 7,5 &3)

Here's what worked for most of the moms in our playgroup. When one kid yanked a toy out of another's hands, the mom would take it back, give it back to the one who had it first and REDIRECT kid 1 to another toy that may or may not be the same. We also told kid 2 to ask the other kiddo if they could play with the original toy when kid 1 was finished with it. You have to be diligent with this, but that's what it takes. It's really difficult to let kids play on their own at that age w/o constant supervision. It's almost like a class in sharing, cooperation and it takes a lot of effort, but it pays off. I just saw it as my job to teach them how to share and be together the whole time they were together.

I said most moms in our group, b/c one mom handled things differently. When her daughter, who was the main culprit, would take a toy (or sippy cup) from another kid and when that kid began wailing, as they do, she would yell at the upset child that they needed "to share" as if they even knew what that was or could understand the concept. She never returned the toy and it was infuriating to the child who usually would end up hitting the first kid and started a whole hitting habit that was very difficult to undo.

If you are consistent with your intro to sharing methods, they will know what to expect and returning a toy to the kid who had it first will not be the firestorm you may expect. Praise them for handing the toy over when they've finished with it and any time they share.

Good luck!

M.

It is never too early to teach children to share. It is not easy at times but with a lot of patience and being consistant you can get great results. I always tried to distract with a simular toy or food. And talking (you would be surprised at how much kids really hear even when they act otherwise)and explaining why sharing is the way.

He is still young, so in the beginning, he will not understand that he is going to get his toys back.

Positive reinforcement and practice are how you can teach him to share.

You need to show him how to share with you. If you are going to eat a piece of fruit, be sure to share it with your child. Use the words "I would like to share this banana with you".
When your child is served a piece of fruit, ask him if "he will share a piece" with you. Each time this is done with a positive outcome, tell your son "nice sharing!". Try this also with his friends. Ask him to share his fruit and again always tell him "nice sharing" or "I like when you share".

When you play with him, do the same thing. Ask him if he would like to share the toy you are playing with, then ask him to share with you. Each time tell him "nice sharing".

When he plays with friends and you see him share, tell both of them, "I like it when the two of you share".

We have a neighborhood with tons of kids and all of us, use this technique. It works great. We also all say "thank you" and "please" for each transaction with each person. It is amazing how many people compliment or kids on the behavior of our children.

You are going to end up with a very nice young man.

They SAY that at this age they are too young to understand, but I have two children that both learned to share around 16 months. They are now 4 and 2. We still have an occassional rough spot, but for the most part, they are very good with sharing.
I started with my kids by doing one-on-one sessions. I would get several small toys (my son liked cars) and I would keep them in a pile on the floor in front of me. I would face him and wait. When he tried to grab one, I would say "mine" and pull back. Then, I would say "share?" and hand him one! He would take it and smile. We would do this for the entire pile and then it was his TURN to share. In the beginning I would have to hold my hand out to prompt him and say "share?" then he would give me a car. I did this with my daughter as well, we just used different toys.
You can practice throughout your day with anything. This also helps with counting concepts too. You just count down each pile.
Just remember, start early with anything you want your son to learn!! Sign language, manners, sharing, ABC's, numbers!! All the experts that say your child will never understand any of this until they are 4 or 5 DON'T HAVE KIDS! Kids really do love to learn, especially through play. Good luck!

I use the rules I used in school, who ever is touching it has it, and then after a while they put it down and I tell the other child its free or I ask if the other person could have a turn for a while to share and get them redirected right away after they give up the toy as a reward for sharing, that was so nice of you, etc. Most kids just want it as a competition, see who is top dog kinda of thing. I usually get the child that has to wait something equally fun as choices to play while they are waiting and talk about taking turns and they will get a turn in just a little while. Hope these ideas help. In your situation, to play together the older one should give if you are visiting her house more often in the giving guest spirit, and if its at your house hosting, explain before they come over we are going to give/share with our guest today. The older child understands more than your little one, maybe you can discuss with their parent ideas to coax both of you being on the same page when they play together.

Mom of twins and Kinder teacher by previous trade

My preschool used the 'two minute rule" which really worked great. It requires some diligence, but once you do it a while they really get it.

When Child A is playing with something and Child B wants a turn Child B simply asks for a turn. Child A can either hand over the toy or say "you can have a turn in two minutes". Then it is Child B's responsiblility to notify an adult to start the 2 minute clock. Use a timer so the child can self monitor the time and the adult doesn't have to stare at the clock. Eventually the kids learn to set the timer themselves. Of course, not all kids what to give up the toy in 2 minutes, but always offer them another toy to make it less upsetting. The nice thing about the "two minute rule" is that it reinforces fairness so the adult doesn't have to make bargains with the kids as to who's turn it is to play with something.

Two minute Rule. One gets it for two minutes, you may need a timer then it is the other kiddos turn. It takes time to get the concept down. Until then I put the toy in time out if they continue to fight over it. Of course explain all this to them. They are smart and will pick it up fast. My kids will even say it to friends that have no clue about our rule. "Ok, you can have it for two minutes"....

I use a little baking timer for my kids. I even leave it in their room, so everytime they fight over a toy I set the timer and then when it goes off the other kid gets the toy and then I set it again until they're tired of the toy. I usually only have to set it twice. They are 4 and 5 now and I have been doing this forever. Now they come to me and say M. set the timer! Hope this helps :)

Hi S.,
I used to teach parenting classes and a sharing analogy we used was 'If someone asked you to share your car, how happy would you be to do it?' Asking a small child to share a favorite toy is basically the same thing--that toy means as much to him as your car means to you. Also, a one-year-old is not developmentally ready to understand the concept of sharing. Typically, children are ready to try sharing when they are ready to play WITH other children, rather than alongside them...usually not until about age 3, and even then it is hard for them to share their most precious things. With a one-year-old, I would make sure during the playdate that I only had out toys that I had duplicates of. That way, if one child has a toy and the other wants it, you can produce another one. If you know the visiting child has toys that are the same as your child's, you can ask his parent to bring those toys along. This doesn't always work, b/c sometimes children decide that the one the other child has is the best and nothing else will do, but it is the best you can do in that situation. If squabbles over toys come up, the best thing to do is to try to distract your child (or both children) with something else (Hey! I think it must be snack time!). If distraction doesn't work, it is time to end the playdate. Hang in there...he will get it eventually, but you have to wait until he's ready and able. Just gently reinforce the values you want to instill in him and he will be fine. No harsh discipline or negative reinforcement. Good luck!

You didn't specify if this child was having a snit fit or tantrum over wanting the toy & taking it away from the other child or if he was just curious & fascinated by the toy & just wanted to play w/it. I think it's normal to be that way if the child is feeling left out. If so, you could explain to this child that it's not their turn to play w/the toy. Tell them that you know/understand they want to play w/it but the other child already is playing w/it. If they fuss, time out. If this child takes the toy away from the other, then they should be scolded or corrected & be made to give the toy back & say 'sorry' if they're old enuf to understand that. You could also find a similar toy or another toy for them to play w/till the other child is finished w/the first toy & just say, "here, let's play w/this for now then you might could play w/the other toy later". By then, this child may be too preoccupied to notice or (hopefully) not care anymore. Me & my sis used to be the same way. She always seemed to get the 'cool' toys that I wanted so I was always wanting what she had. Good luck!

This is normal for this age, I tried to have two of the same thing for awhile when they were that age. You can also find something that is special to each child for them to play with. You can also be in the middle helping with the play. Thing will get better as they age and are around other children. Good luck with your little one.

When child A picks up the toy and child B goes to grab it, I tell child B that it's not his turn. After a while (depending on what it is and what's going on), I give the toy to B and let him play for a while. I might swap back and forth for a bit to make the point, ensuring each child his individual time with the toy.

"Sharing" isn't only about giving; it's just as much about receiving and trusting. Children don't want to release control of said toy because they haven't developed an understanding that they will also get some dedicated alone time with it. Once you teach them that their time with the toy is also protected (not letting other kids take it away from them), then they tend to understand that they can get it later...it won't be gone just because somebody else used it.

I hope that this helps.

I think it's great that you're trying to teach the value in sharing! Your son is a bit young, so it may take several reminders; but with your persistance, he will get it. :-)

Does the redirection method work? If you haven't tried already, just try to explain to him that it's not his turn yet; but how about if we play with _____ while we wait for our turn? He may not want to play with the other toy; but if you sit down to play he may follow you. Then when it's his turn to use the toys, i would praise him for being such a good boy and waiting for his turn. If you're already doing this, then just keep at it. He'll get it.

You're doing a great job!

Unfortunately, until a child gets around the age of 3 or 4, they don't understand the concept of sharing. Everything they see and want belongs to them in their little minds! Some kids like my daughter apply this to what other kids or adults are holding as well!

They can however learn how to take turns. My one-year-old still does not understand what this means, but a 2-year-old certainly can. So, when the kiddos are playing, just emphasize and model taking turns and using polite manners in their play. You are the best example for your kids, because as you have probably noticed, they are little sponges!

So, at this point don't expect too much in the way of sharing, but that does not mean you can't talk about it and model it yourself, because those are the kids who will catch on quicker. Good luck!

He's too young. It will only harm his sense of initiative to punish him for reaching out for what interests him at this stage. In classrooms with children that age, they provide 2-4 identical toys for each area so that they don't HAVE to share yet. Age 2 is closer to the appropriate time to begin to teach sharing...even then, we're taught as preschool teachers that asking a two year old to share a favorite toy is like asking a friend to share their spouse with you.....no small request, so be very very patient with him and don't start so young....it'll hurt his other development.
L.

You've got good advice so far! I agree that you need to make the sharing language a part of your normal day. We've used the prase "turn, please" when a toy is requested from another child. That gives the other child the opportunity to give the toy when he is done.

I don't really expect my twin one-year-olds to share yet or to understand about it. But they do see it in action so when they are ready it will be easy for them. They do pass toys back and forth sometimes - very cute!

My advice - get your baby to play with others as much as possible!

Concept of sharing is still too far away for a 1 year old to grasp- can start with 2 year olds, but really age 3 is when it kicks in. Taking turns can be used in place of sharing - little kids have so little of what they can really call their own that sharing is too hard to do, so taking turns gives everyone an equal chance. You can also give older child a choice - do you want to play with the famn set or blocks first?
And they just may have to deal with a 1 year old playing with it too - parallel play - not playing cooperatively but playing with same item at same time next to each other. Play time is a teachable moment and parents should be interacting with kids also.

Hi S.,
Learning to share is so important for your child to interact with other kids as he gets older. One of the things we do with my son and his friends is "trading". My friend taught this to me and it has helped a lot. Basically if his friend has a toy he wants then he must go find something his friend might like and trade it. It works sometime. Other times neither of them want to give it up then we use the timer to take turns. But like others have said, consistency is the key. Don't give in and let him have it because he is crying.
You are doing the right thing by trying to teach him at young age.
Good luck!

Personally I wonder why we teach our children to share at such a young age. I dont feel they can begin to grasp the concept until around age 4. Not only that but sharing is unrealistic....I mean we as adult dont share many things. If there is something my kids dont want to share it goes up while friends are around...Be patient...what you are experieincing is "age and stage". It too shall pass.

In my family when we all get together you have 4 kids the same age so when they were 1 to about 4 was a very interesting time this sharing thing. I don't think at 1 they could grasp what we were trying to show them till they were about 2, but yes you start good behavior from the get go and just play it by ear. Things that are on a personal note to your child put that toy away when company is around and everything else you have them learn to take turns, the who had it first thing don't work because everyone's eye is on the prize but when you take turns alot of times the toy is just put down after a while when no one's eye is on the prize anymore.

Hi S.,

I bet you are going to get a lot of advice on this one! My kids are only 23 months apart, and sharing was a big issue when they were smaller. At 1 and 2, they are stilling learning the concepts of sharing, but this is your time to take advantage of teaching it and making sure that they understand it. It is natural for them to want all toys, ownership in their eyes is very vague. They might know their own really favorite toys, but really they just know toys in general. It is not them being selfish to want to grab the toy the other kid has, it is just them recognizing and seeing it, so now wanting to play with it themselves. What really worked for me was sitting on the floor with the kids and helping them understand the whole concept of sharing. I would put all the toys between them, and if one grabbed something the other had, I would say no and give it back to the other. If that child got upset, I would explain it to them, and give them another toy. If that didn't work, I would remove them from the area until they calmed down. After a few minutes, the kids move on to different toys, and you can give it back to the first one. Odds are though, they aren't interested in it anymore! Funny how that works. Even at 1 though, they do understand when you explain sharing. Be consistent. Don't give the toy back just to make them stop crying. Also, I think if you sit with them, you can really impress the point on them, and avoid them getting too upset. They will eventually learn, although they don't fully outgrow this for a while, and starting early teaching them about sharing is so important!!

What I do when this happens is have the rule that whomever expressed interest in it first (whomever picked it up first) is playing with it and when they are no longer interested and put the toy down, then it becomes "fair game" and anyone else can pick it up and play with it. If a child becomes upset about it, then I try to give them another equally interesting toy (if not a more interesting toy) to occupy their time. They might still whine and complain, but this teaches them to wait their turn, be patient, and show that the world does not revolve them.
Hope this helps.
-Jen