Tell My Daughter That Her Dad Isn’t Her Biological dad.Search Results:

I agree with others about therapy. We know too few to tell you the right thing to do and it is hard to take good advices by strangers about so delicate topic.
What I can suggest is, IN CASE you are doing, just don't consider now the situation is like "he is no longer her dad", "he has never been her father", stop thinking that, reality is he is like her adoptive father, it's more like she has two fathers now. You cannot erase years of his parenting (bad parenting probably but still parenting). Please consider how much is devastating telling children one parent is the worst person, children feel themself as a fruit of their parents (the though "my parents are bad"="I'm bad" come very quickly).
He being not her real father seems like a good new in this case, but in reality it has a lot of negative side effects too.

You need legal and professional counseling.

I don’t know how old your daughter is but she’s going to need professional help.

Why did you test now and not then if there any any question whatsoever on who a father could be?

this is way too important and peril-fraught a situation to decide with strangers on the internet. this has the potential to damage your daughter permanently.

not so much the 'good' news that the douche isn't her dad, but that she's had to grow up being abused by someone who should, for many reasons, never have been in her life to start with.

you find a good counselor first, get a good gameplan in place, then follow it.

good luck!

khairete
S.

Two questions - does she know you did the DNA test? I can't tell from your post. Also, what age is she?

My feeling, when I read this was - the man she considers dad is toxic and abusive. I think boundaries in place regardless and ending contact for a while is a good thing. Can you not do that regardless? I should think that would be a good move. He is not a positive presence in her life.

A friend of mine divorced a man who was an alcoholic and not a positive influence in their lives, and when he continued to drink - she kept reducing his time spent with them. I think you can do this regardless of whether she knows or not.

As far as telling her - I would think it would be like telling a child they are adopted, or any kind of life altering news. It's not like you've been keeping a secret from her. You didn't know in this case. It will affect her permanently. I was dealt some life shattering news as a child (illness of a parent) and it deeply changed me. I like the suggestion of having an outlet for your child - to talk and be heard, because honestly, I think that's key. She just needs a safety net and a place to get it all out - that's not you. You'll be too involved, too close to her, and too concerned.

Counseling is not just to have someone who knows the answers. It's so individual. You have no idea how the news will affect her. Everyone reacts differently. What will be important is that you are constant and there for her as she goes through the pain of it. She'll recover - it just takes time. Time and love. But having someone else (not involved) to talk to - key. I had that.

Good advice below on getting advice on how to proceed. I think in the end it will all be ok. He may be very angry (your ex) so take measures to protect yourselves.

Talk to a counselor and to a lawyer.
If the ex has been paying child support for a child that isn't his I'm not sure if you have to pay him back or not.
Also you need to set up child support with the biological father.

On the surface it seems like everyone might be relieved the DNA test turned out the way it did - but your daughter might question your credibility - you've told her one story for years that turned out to not be true so she might start to question other things you have told her.

The first thing you need to do is have a consult with a family lawyer to find out the legal status of everyone involved.

If your ex's name is on the birth certificate, he's her legal father. Visitation orders will sill be enforced, child support orders will still stand. Telling your daughter about this new information will only make things harder on her unless you have a viable legal option to change the situation. There will also be legal and financial consequences on the adults in this scenario.

In addition to needing a lawyer, you need a family therapist. Not just because of this new info, but because your child needs help dealing with the father she knows, and you need help learning how to appropriately handle the information you have.

For the purposes of her life this far, your ex is her father. Knowing that he is not the bio dad doesn't change that. It won't make things suddenly better. It doesn't mean her bio dad can simply step into her life as her father.

Your daughter is of an age where you're also going to have to explain yourself regarding the situation that led to having multiple sex partners, as well as why you didn't seek DNA when she was born to make sure.

At no point should you simply spring this news on your daughter without professional guidance.

Welcome to mamapedia, J..

You don't say how old your daughter is. Why did you NOT do a DNA test years before? Especially since you had unprotected sex with another person?

You need to find a therapist and talk with them. You also need a lawyer. The "bad" guy who has been paying child support for years is gonna be mad too.

Your daughter needs to hear about this in the "RIGHT" surroundings and be prepared for her to be happy and mad.

Does SHE KNOW about the DNA test? Does the "GOOD" guy know about the DNA test?
What do you expect from him now that you know he's the biological father? You have a LOT of decisions to make and a LOT of stuff to get through. Find a therapist who specializes in family situations like this and get your ducks in a row before you tell her. She might be REALLY happy but then be VERY MAD at you for sleeping around and NOT getting the truth before now.

Good luck!

Maybe you should talk to a family counselor about this. They can get your history, they can talk with your child and know the best way to tell her based on how she acts in real life.

You tell her in therapy.. much like what everyone else has mentioned.. This isn’t news that she can just take. How old is she?

I would make two appointments - first, with a family law attorney and second, with a therapist who can help you navigate this.

You need to sort out the legal implications first. If the person you thought was the father has been acknowledged as the father by court (which would be required for you to have orders for support or parenting time), then that still stands and may be difficult to overturn. Even with a DNA test, the court tends to view it in the best interests of the child to have two legally and financially responsible parents, even if one is later proven to not be the parent. If he has legal rights, then the best chance of severing those would be to get her correct father to agree to acknowledge paternity legally and be on the hook for child support and parenting time. Unless you are very well-off financially, or the first father isn't paying anyway or there are no support orders, you can't just say "oh that's OK, I don't need child support" because once it's established, it's not yours to give away (it's your child's right). Same with parenting time.

Once you know what your options are there, you can shape your conversations with your daughter and the two men. It's a shame this happened in the first place, but good for you for being brave enough to not sweep it under the rug and pretend. It might be a bit embarrassing for you and awkward in the short term, but in the long run, the truth is right for your daughter. Hopefully you can work things out on the legal side and with both men and your daughter can have a positive relationship with her actual biological father.

You need a lawyer and a therapist.

The lawyer to help you determine how to go about this legally. I don't know the rules in your state, but he might be able to sue you for the monies he's paid to you for child support over the years.

You need a therapist to discuss this with your daughter. She might be VERY ANGRY with you for not getting a paternity test done when she was born, knowing you had slept around. Expect some anger.

What are you going to tell the men? Yeah, this is another thing you'll need a lawyer and therapist for.

Just because the "bad" guy isn't her biological father? It doesn't erase the time he spent taking care of her and providing for her, even i it was 'bad'.

First thing you do is get a family lawyer. There are legalities in all this that can be complicated and you need to understand what they are.

Second thing is get a counselor to help you with this. And make sure you do it in this order. Sometimes it is difficult to legally change paternity, even with DNA proof. Do not put this uncertainty onto your daughter. Know what you’re getting into before telling her.

Yes tell her because these things always come out. My daughter is adopted and I made sure she knew before some well meaning relative told her. Get an attorney to see about removing your ex from her life. I don't know how that will work but you need to get on it. I don't think I would tell her until the court removes visitation. Good luck!

This could be a relief for her. It could also be a big teachable moment about honesty and love and making good choices. But she's only 8. Right now is for being honest and telling her the truth in a safe place with someone to support you.
But it could also be a legal and emotional nightmare. Get a good lawyer and have a therapist stand by as someone else suggested. You are now in a position to give a dose of reality to the next gal before she gets in your situation. I have edited the heck out of this post because I decided this is not the place to make someone feel worse than they already do. Suffice it to say that every adult in this situation owes this child a whapping apology and that’s putting it mildly. So good luck. And I mean that.