Looking for opinions (changing cell number is not a good option). Here's the situation:
A short term ex (not even an ex really but that's a fair description) stopped all contact with my friend back in late September/early October. She was ok with that and didn't reach out to him. He didn't reach out to her. It was just done. It wasn't serious and no one was heartbroken although she did suspect something shady which is why she was great with no contact. No need for blocking and drama etc.
Month or so goes by and she has met someone else, they like each other. Started dating. Has feelings for this new guy. Mid-February comes and her phone is acting up (texts not going through, in or out) but her phone rings. NOT from the number she had for the "ex" so she didn't know it was him. She answers. Realizes it's him and is shocked...says "yeah I can talk" thinking get the call over with. She wasn't hiding it so nothing sneaky was intended. She immediately says she seeing someone and no she won't meet him or go to the movies etc. No she doesn't miss him...not interested. The new guy didn't know about him, he was that insignificant. New guy is pissed. Then phone starts sending texts through. Apparently this guy had sent multiple texts just before he called. If she had known then she would never have answered when she did. She blocked his number (the old one and the new one).
A few weeks go by and texts from another number....yes, him again. Again she replies: I'm not interested. I'm seeing someone. No I don't miss you. These are the jest of her replies and when he keeps up, she blocks that number too.
A few weeks go by and another number! She blocks this number too.
New guy is aware because she is not hiding anything. He has made it clear he'd rather she tell him but then he's mad at her.
So during all this time, even when the ex isn't contacting her, the new guy will bring it up. It's really bothering him. So while he wanted her to block his numbers (which she did) he was mad that she had his contact info (which she deleted) but he said "so you could get it from your itunes back up" which may be technically possible she didn't. Then when the only source of the numbers were from what was blocked, it was "you can always go to your blocked list". So she deleted those (which in turn allowed a call/text combo yesterday). She accidentally answered the phone as it rang because she was in the process of touching the screen as it rang. He wants to see her, she said no. He said he missed her, she said so. She also said "I told you I am not interested, I'm seeing someone"/ He said "just see me one time and if there's nothing there I won't bother you anymore". She said " you don't miss me, you don't wanna be told no. I'm seeing someone so there is no need to see you nor would that be fair to him or your girlfriend (don't know he has a girlfriend but she was proving a point). He takes that as she doesn't want to see him cause she still likes him. She didn't have a problem with him...if he called to say hi once in a blue moon it would have been no big deal. Now it is. New guy is pissed.
What are your thoughts? How does she get through to him?
I hadn't checked this in a few days but just noticed a lot more responses. Thanks to all of you.
I just thought I'd update you all that so far there have been no further calls from the ex. She was wondering how to get through to him to stop calling because being nice wasn't working (initially she saw no reason to be anything but) and being not so nice wasn't working. Hopefully it has gotten through this last time. As for new guy, she basically told him that she's sorry he is a bit insecure in himself but that does not translate into not being able to trust her and that she can't be held accountable for actions of someone else (his ex or hers included). She also told him that she has to be comfortable with how she treats people and/or handle things and the two of them are different people. If she changes, she's not herself....if he doesn't want her as she is then he needs to say so and move on.
The ex could have installed a spyware on her phone when they were together.
This is not uncommon anymore. My brother works in this area. However, when you said the phone is acting up that is a sign of it.
She may get a new phone and a new boyfriend to get control over her own life back...
She should file a police report with the police department. More than likely the officer will give the stalker a call and tell him to cease or desist or legal action will be taken. If the stalker calls again then the officer will guide her with the next steps to take.
As for the new guy, I feel there are trust issues because he's pissed at her for something out of her control. Who needs that?
Send one last text to Ex saying, very clearly "Stop contacting me. I do not want to hear from you ever again." If anything comes after that, do NOT respond, but keep copies of everything, including the text where she says to never contact her again, to give to police for stalking.
Break up with unreasonable controlling new guy.
So....Mr. Crazy #2 wants to make sure she has no contact with Crazy #1?
Personally, I don't know who is less mature, her, Crazy #1 or Crazy #2.
Crazy #1 is a stalker and Crazy #2 is a possessive child. She needs to deal with each accordingly. Police & kick to curb.
Life really can be better with NO man than with just ANY man.
One thing I (and my daughter) will not do is answer ANY unidentified number or text. If a number is not in our contact list, we don't answer. If we get a text from an unidentified number, we do not respond.... even with a who is this. If someone wants to reach us badly enough, they will leave a message with name/number and we will gladly return a phone call.
Neither of us are hiding anything from anyone, we are protective with our cell numbers.
Now to your friend........ she needs to dump #2 who sounds like he is as crazy as #1. I hope she sees the red flags #2 is waving at her for being so possessive and borderline controlling. She should not have to "get through" anything to #2, she owes him ZERO explanation or proof of what she is doing on HER phone.
If #1 continues to harass her, she needs to contact the police (non emergency). See my Example below.. that worked for us.
EX: My daughter had an issue and a kind officer paid someone a phone call from the police dept with us standing there in front of him and told the person who was harassing my daughter that we were there with him at the time and charges would be pressed if any call or text came through to her number and was traced back to said person. Never had another whimper from the caller again.
At this point, your friend is possibly facing 2 stalkers.
Best wishes.
Just curious - why is changing her number not an option?
When my daughter wanted to get away from a dangerous ex, she changed her phone number, her address, her appearance, her job, and her vehicle.
New guy is being unreasonable and stupid when acting all jealous because she hasn't purged her cloud of all of old guy's contact info. I have contact info in my cloud for dead people, for crying out loud.
So he's a red flag too.
As for old guy, he's stalking. He is subject to prosecution.
Keep a record of all calls and texts. Text him clearly and directly, "I want NO contact from you. Do NOT call or text me again." SAVE THAT TEXT.
When he does it again (and he will), take it to the police and file a Cease and Desist order. If he violates that, he is subject to arrest for harassment.
Get through to whom? New guy or old guy?
Your friend sure knows how to pick 'em. One's a stalker who can't understand the word no, and the other's an insecure control freak. I think she should dump new guy, now, because he has major trust issues, and next time old guy calls she should simply hang up the phone. No talking. The second she talks to him, she's sending him a message that she might be interested.
Both guys sound dense, at best, and psycho, at worst. I don't think there's any getting through to either of them.
She is being stalked and harassed.
She needs to tell him VERY clearly (by certified letter, return receipt requested, maybe?) that he is not to contact her again.
If he contacts her again, she can take it to the police and file a restraining order against him.
As far as guy #2, he is being very insecure and controlling...... maybe she needs to reconsider his value if he can't be a bit more understanding?
your friend should not answer calls from numbers she does not recognize. People can leave messages if they need to get through. She is dating a man who blames her for being stalked? Sounds like your friend attracts insecure men and will always have drama. I'd personally not involve myself into her drama.
I understand that she can't block the number because he keeps getting new phones (disposables, maybe?). She needs to stop talking to him though, and stop saying she is seeing someone. Her reason for not seeing the ex is that she is not interested, not that she has someone "better". She needs to stop making "a point" - it's not working. The more she talks to this ex, the more she encourages him. It doesn't matter what she says - it matters more that she is saying anything at all because he's getting off on it.
She must stop answering any calls from unidentified numbers. Anyone important will leave a message. She must go to the police and say that she is being stalked. She should not delete any texts or messages at this point - she needs to show these to the police.
The new guy is being a jerk. He is dating a woman who is being stalked, and his reaction is to be angry at her? He's apparently just as possessive as the stalker ex. Your friend needs advice from the police, not from the new guy. If the new guy cannot be supportive of her, she should ditch him now, lest he turn into the possessive bossy type that the ex has become. He's a problem, not an asset right now.
2 creeps. New guy should give her a break. He sounds controlling and I'd be reconsidering my feelings for him. She has jumped through all his hoops and (I'm assuming) let him read the texts, to prove that she's NOT initiating this. He should be more supportive, not accusatory.
If changing her number isn't an option (I can't imagine a scenario when it wouldn't be with some creeper like this stalking her) then she needs to ask the POLICE what else she should do.
Goodbye new guy who has shown his true colors that might not have come out for some time. Being jealous of a phone call or texts from an ex or even someone who was a single date or two shows he has problems that extend well past normal.
She needs to find some new people to be around who aren't the jealous types.
She needs to stop being so nice. Have her tell him I am 100% NOT INTERESTED. Stop calling me or I am calling the police to report you. Personally I would change my phone number as well. AND she needs to dump the new guy. He sounds like a jealous, insecure, controlling type. She can do better than that. She needs to look for a man who is mature and trusting.
Sounds like her ex is insane and the new guy isn't any prize for his reaction to her being stalked (why is he mad at HER?).
Dumping the new guy is a good start for dealing with the latest loser she's dating.
Changing phone numbers would be the best option but since she doesn't want to do that then she needs to get the law involved.
Maybe she should see her ex one more time - she can arrange to meet him at the local police station and they can inform him of the penalties for stalking behavior.
Any contact after that means she takes out a restraining order against him.
First she should make guy number 2 an ex. Then she needs to tell ex number 1 to never call her again and if he does she needs to just say I got to go. Bye. Click!
She does not need to, nor should she, get through to him. She needs to absolutely never ever ever respond at all. if she ACCIDENTALLY answers the phone from a strange new number (who would do that?) she needs to hang up immediately with no dialog. And then never ever ever ever respond again.
Also, she needs to quit discussing it with the new guy and needs to stop letting the new guy nose into her phone usage. I was seeing a guy a while back who would try to be "aware" of my phone activity...one time he even asked to see my texts! BOOM!!! No dice. That's fine for married couples, or people so enmeshed with each others lives that they use each others phones, or spouses who have been cheated on..but really, New boyfriends and normal trust-worthy adults need to keep out of each others phone business. She hasn't done anything wrong (except engage too much with ex on the phone by being naive) and she should not tolerate one more minute of guff from the new guy. He's WAY out of line, insecure, etc. Granted, she's not acting well...she never should have interacted with the ex and the new guy never should have known a thing...but she should start acting like an adult now and nip all this from both sides.
They sound young.
Get through to him? He sounds like a teenager, not a man. Not worth it.
This whole thing sounds like an afterschool special...
"Ex" is showing behaviors that look like the initial signs of stalking. If he calls again and she picks up inadvertently like she did this time, he needs to be told in no uncertain terms that all of his recent calls and texts and attempts to disguise himself through different numbers are documented for the authorities and that she is sharing the information with the police to get a no contact order, or whatever it's called in her state. And then, SHE SHOULD DO IT! She should not go into details or have any other sort of conversation with him. Anything else encourages him (not saying she's doing this. that's just how his mind will interpret it). There should be no other contact with him whatsoever. She should absolutely file a report to start a paper trail because if he continues to escalate his behavior, there will be a documented history with the authorities.
Her new guy needs to get a grip and grow up. Seriously. She's not asking for this, and if he doesn't understand that, he's way too insecure to be in a healthy relationship. Makes me wonder if he isn't just a bit too much like the "ex" in terms of controlling kinds of behaviors.
If the new guy doesn't let up on her, she should really examine why she'd put up with accusations and interrogations from him when she's done everything to show him contact from the ex is unwanted.
She should have a conversation with her new guy and talk about it and tell him that the suspiciousness and questioning of her motives won't fly and must stop. If he's a mature person who respects and supports her, he'll get it and stop the questioning. If not, he's just another version of the old guy.
Wishing her luck with this.
New guy either trusts her or he doesn't. If he doesn't then she has to think about the relationship. He's either a man about it or a toddler and she doesn't need a toddler. He should be concerned for her safety if she has a stalker, not angry with her. IMO, she should let him go, too.
It also sounds to me like the ex is harassing her by using multiple avenues and phones. She should talk to the police about how to stop this because he won't stop. I bet he is stalking or will stalk her.
Also, she needs to ignore his texts and calls. Hang up immediately. Don't engage. Don't explain. She's already told him to back off. She owes him nothing.
Next time she accidentally answers the ex, as soon as she realizes it, hang up. She's been more than polite in the past. It hasn't helped. If he calls, ignore or hang up and block the number. That's it! End of story!
If the new boyfriend can't deal, maybe he needs to go. Seriously, he needs to grow up! She isn't doing this to him, it's being done to her. If he can't deal with it, she needs to say goodbye.
No contact.
I've dealt with someone like this before. He had borderline personality disorder, which meant that he had ZERO respect or understanding of healthy boundaries. He ignored my saying "no, I'm done, I don't want to talk to you anymore." I finally stopped responding altogether. No answering the phone, no responding to texts or emails AT ALL. At first he flipped his sh*t and sent a ton of emails and texts, called and left messages threatening suicide and making all sorts of claims that I was causing him emotional anguish....all manipulation and lies. I ignored it all. He stopped. And he's still alive.
New guy should be understanding. It's not like she can control this doofus. But she needs to stop answering him, because, as with any stalker weirdo, negative attention is still attention.
Oh, and if she has a smartphone, she should be able to block his texts and calls easily. She can Google "how to block calls and texts from unwanted contacts on a iPhone/Samsung/whatever."
If the ex is constantly getting new numbers and won't stop contacting her, she may be able to serve him with a restrining order if she feels threatened.
That's only one of her problems though. The second is her current boyfriend. It is not reasonable or normal for him to be pissed at her for the actions of another person. This is not okay and she must tell him so. If he reacts badly, she should end it.
I wonder if your friend has a 'type' and frequently chooses men who have similar qualities. She needs to think about that and try to make a point to not date others who are similar.
New guy sounds like a possessive psycho...buh bye!
Don't you mean "How does she get through to both guys?"
I don't know which one is worse, the old guy or the new one. It seems to me she traded one jerk for another. WHY does this new guy get to be "mad" that the ex is contacting her? It's not his frickin' business.
Both of these guys act like they own her. They don't.
Tell your friend to ignore all calls and texts from him. If she picks up his phone call, tell her to hang up without talking. And tell her to dump the new boyfriend. I'll bet she ends up with TWO of them calling her and doing the same darn thing.
Your friend needs to grow a backbone.
I think it is time for her to get a brand new phone so the ex can't call and to dump the new guy because of his controlling and demanding ways. Get the restraining order for the old guy. But the girlfriend has to learn not to answer phone numbers she does not recognize.
There are red flags all over this situation.
Have your friend take a break from men and to find herself without a man in her life. Have her take a few classes at the local college or get a hobby.
I would hate for you to write back and tell us one of them did her in. Life is too short for all of this drama.
Good luck to her and to you for being so understanding.
the other S.
I don't think this is an issue of how to get through to him-it is stalking and she needs to call the police.
Do. Not. Engage. Do not answer any calls from numbers that she does not recognize. He keeps calling because she keeps talking to him. Instead of just saying no, she is say no because of seeing the new guy. He sees this as a challenge to change her mind. Ignore him and he will eventually get the message and give up.
She sounds like she has issues.
I dont understand why the new guy is so jealous based on your explanations, so it makes me think there is more to the story.
The old ex sounds like a stalker. Who on earth has time to change their number or call from different phones? Crazy.
She should NOT be negotiating with him. It is very misleading. "It's not fair to your new girlfriend." Is not helping the situation. A love sick man might think she would meet him if it was not for the imaginary girlfriend in your or "your friend's" head.
There are plenty of love stories in the movies that say 'just meet me to see if there is a spark." The movies do not translate well into real life. She needs to be clear that she is NOT interested in him. Now if it is only because there is a new guy, that is not clear to him. She needs to say " I want NOTHING to do with you and your calls/text are harassing. This is the last warning before I get the police involved." She can not lead him on and say "I don't mind a call once in a blue moon though."
