The Terrible 3S!

go online and sign up for "Nanny 911" and I think you'll get paid for it too. She is great with the kids. A friend of mine went on it.

D.

Hi C.,

The first child is what I call the "experimental child". This is the one who teaches you how to parent. It also sounds like you've read all the right books, and you're trying all the right things. I haven't read the right books, but I've raised 4 kids. I never used time out -- when a child is disciplined, the first thing they want to do is to look to their parents to be sure they still have a relationship and are still loved. Putting them in time out alone removes that option. Doing the responsibility chart at the end of the day is way too far away from the activities in question for a 3 year old to have any sense of control over his life. The gratification or removal of toys is WAY to far away from the activities that caused them. And hitting is a sign of anger, and frustration. He hits you because you are the one causing the anger and frustration -- or to him you are. He doesn't see that HE'S the one causig the effect.

When he flips out and starts to hit, real him in and hold him to you. He's then too close to you to wind up and hit. You can calm him and talk to him. Give him words to use to exptress his frustration, Are you angry because you can't do thus-and-so? I suspect he isn't highly verbal at this point, and he needs to learn to use his words to communicate, not his fists. You should also let him know that it's okay to get angry. (Anger is an emotion, not a behavior) It is NOT okay to hit people because we are angry. And if we can't treat people nicely, we will have to sit in a chair. At this age, I would not put him out of my sight in "time out". You can do time out right inthe living room in a chair, so he doesn't feel as if he's in solitary confinement - he needs to be reassured by your presence, especially when he is frustrated and angry.

I wouldn't take away his favorite things. When you do that, you are adding to his frustration. think back to the experiences that cause the discipline -- take away the problem, not something that has nothing to do with it. At this age, you are larger, and stronger, and my favorite form of discipline was to give the command, and if it isn't obeyed, tell him you're going to count to 3. the idea is that after number 3, he WILL do it, whether he wants to or not, but he has a few chances to do it autonomously. Give the command again, and say 1. Give the command again and say 2. Give the command again and say 3. If he doesn't do it, physically pick him up and do, holding him, the behavior you were expecting him to do. And when it's done, praise him (even if you did it) for doing it.

There will be those times when you don't have time to count to 3. But if you practice this, it gives them the opportunity to think about their own behavior -- do I want to obey myself or not? And they still "behave". For instance, if he threw something and you want him to pick it up, you tell him to do so, 1, tell him, 2, tell him, 3. Swoop in, pick him up, go to the thing on the floor, bend down and pick it up (preferably in his hand, but that might not be possible). Then tell him he's a good boy for picking it up, and thank him for obeying. The idea with discipline is to reinforce the GOOD behavior as much as possible.

The responsibility chart is better for an older child. 3 is kind of young, if you ask me. The reward is just too far away from the activity. when he does something good, praise him immediately. When he messes up, let him know his behavior wasn't appropriate, and remind him that you know he can do better than that. Be sure he knows you love him.

It sounds to me as if you are as frustrated with him as he is with you. I think if you try something different, you'll be a happier parent, and you'll find that you don't have to discipline so often. My kids might be really angry that they were getting disciplined, but by the time I said 3, they usually were diving to obey me. Especially, because as they got older, it might mean that I took away the thing they'd tossed, and it was something they wanted

try to get into Tommy's head and understand what he's thinking, going through. He is at the age where he is becoming more and more verbal, but you will still need to encourage this, and help him to share his feelings with words, both good and bad ones. If you can work on this, it will be REALLY helpful when the little one shows up. By then, you want to be "a team", so together you can nurture and protect the baby. You don't want to land in the position where he's angry and takes out his frustration on the baby.

Also realize, that we, as parents, aren't always well behaved. There is nothing wrong with apologizing to him if you have made a mistake. It's a good example for him to follow. And it shows him respect, too, and that's something you want him to learn.

I apologize, by the way, for this sounding so negative in the beginning. I can tell, because you've read all the books, and you're actively working on a positive approach to discipline that you area a very caring parent. And it's the caring parent in you that will help Tommy get through this time period in his life, and also help you persevere. It's not easy, and in the end, you find what works for you, and for your child, and you do the best you can with it. I've never been disciplined enough to keep the charts, and when we've tried, it always breaks down. So I fell back on the 1,2,3 thing, cuz my Mom used it on us ! The other thing is that Tommy is at the age where he's trying to control his life (someewhat). He needs to be given opportunities to do things right, even when he's being disciplined. the 1,2,3 thing gives him some time, and reminders of to think about what is expected of him, and he will know he "has to do it", but he will also learn you mean business and he's going to have to do it anyway. At age 3, HAVING to do it is discipline enough most of the time. It removes his autonomy and may reduce him to tears -- even without time out, toy removal or spankings.

Another thing I would caution you on. . . think through what behaviors you absolutely will NOT tolerate, and what can go by the wayside. Draw your line in the sand and hold to it. We can't be saying no all the time, so in the end, we discipline away the things that most bother us, and some of them we ignore. When you have 2 kids, you will be able to discipline less because you will be one adult to 2 kids. When you have 3 and 4, it gets a whole lot harder to raise "perfect" children, so you give up. At that point, you really are only holding the line in the sand. The more you can say "yes" to your son, the happier he'll be. .. so when you DO say "no", think through whether it's an issue you would go to the wall for. Is it worth the argument? If it is, DEFINATELY discipline. If you listen and observe him, however, and you realize that he makes more sense than you do, scratch that position. Kids bring out our best and our worst, and we do a whole lot of growing and changing by interacting with them.

And good luck ! You can do this, you can build a more positive environment at home, and actually, he's just going through a stage where he wants to be more autonomous because he's growing up. It's okay for him to push at the boundaries, and it's okay for you to correct him when he pushes too far. It's critical that you do. and in 6 months or so, he'll look at his new improved boundaries, and say, "yeah, this fits", and you'll have a year of relative peace before he decides it's time to start pushing again. It tends to happen every other year. Know you aren't raising a monster. You'll both get through this. :-)

UGH! Those dreaded 3's. My son just turned 4 and my daughter just turned 3. Some days I just want to hide! LOL

To handle my kids I typcially count to 3 (skip it for really out of control behavior or big offenses) then put them in timeout in their bedrooms. My son would try to escape from his room and each time he did I would add on 2 more minutes. It took about a month, but he eventually learned that trying to escape was not the way to go. When timeout is over we talk about what happened, I restate one of my jobs as Mom is to teach him how to behave and that his behavior wasn't acceptable, and we talk about acceptable behaviors, describing how he feels, etc. I give him a hug and tell him I love him.

I take away toys and privileges that seem to motivate him - his cd player in his bedroom, computer time, tv time, library books and videos, riding his bike.

I also have used a chart. We have gotten away from it but the kids have requested we use it again. Each day has 2 columns - one for good behavior, one for poor behavior. Each instance of good behavior gets a smiley face, poor behavior gets an X. The kids can write on the chart themselves. At the end of the day if they have more smiley faces than X's they get a sticker. At the end of the week, if they have at least 6 stickers they get a reward.

A few other things that have helped:

- I do a countdown before transitions. Telling my kids, "10 minutes until bedtime", "5 minutes...", "2 minutes...", "OK, it's bedtime" has helped tremendously. They know what to expect and I guess they don't feel like they are being plucked from whatever activity they are engaged in.

- I use a timer when we need to meet deadlines. When I get my son ready for school in the morning I set the timer to go off 15 minutes before we need to leave. At that point he has to go potty, brush his teeth, we comb his hair and put on his shoes and coat. The timer is "official" and he doesn't question it.

- If possible I offer alternate choices. "No, you cannot have ice cream for dessert but you can choose either yogurt or fruit snacks." I may have denied their request, but I've given them the power to still make a decision.

- I try to model the behaviors I want them to display. I try to talk in a calm manner rather than yell. I use words to describe how I am feeling. I offer compromises if appropriate (to model ways to resolve conflicts, sharing issues, etc).

- I try to read stories to my kids about behaviors to help them see that feelings are normal, to give names to their feelings, to show them how to act on those feelings.

Good luck to you!

Terrible 3's 4's....it is all the same except the mentality behind it. I agree that everyone(children and adults)needs time out outs on occasion. Something I do with my kids(works like a charm) is let them be in control of the time. For instance....if a time out is needed designate a spot/mat/whatever for this purpose only! Very important! The child comes out when ready. As a human being I would not want to be told when I needed an attitude adjustment...Understand? I would want to fix it myself. When my daughter is ready to talk about the issue then she comes to me and we talk about it. This goes for all of the children. As for the hitting....I would suggest a re direction...when he hits you, yell,"OUCH"!! really loud but only once.....then say,"Why did you hit me! Be specific....dont say. "why did you do that?".....Hit it outright....No hitting.....you love me! I love you......I dont hit you!!!!!!!! Show affection to him on how he is to show you he is upset or mad.....Say,"Why are you mad, why are you angry, it is okay to be mad/angry, but you do not hit"!

This response is from "Nanamom". Ii've been a Montessori child advocate and specialist for 40 years. I have 3 children and 7 grandchildren, one three. So I know currently exactly what you mean. To gradually replace one behavior with another, you must depend on repetition, your own and his.

A young child must hear something many times before a new behavior replaces the one you want to quell. Using repetition, one of your jobs is to show and tell the exact appropriate behaviors needed, and demonstrating what you mean. "Hands, feet, etc. are for doing nice things. Feet are for walking, etc.

Human beings need the hostile parts of the personality, and they need to learn when they are appropriate. That's the hard part! We also need limits, and appropriate words!

Thus, the role of the adult is to repeat the words and actions for acceptable behaviors. "Hands are for doing nice things." Show examples, repeatedly and use the words. He is in a very strong period for the acquisition of language, as well as acceptable actions. It's hard work to be three. Imagine if you were placed in a new spot with a limited number of words, and appropriate actions within the culture. Might you want to lash out sometimes?

Remember, your son won't change immediately, but time and repetition will help him to choose desirable hand and feet gestures, and words. Just imagine yourself in his place when you think of him as a terrible three!

I don't have any children, only nieces and nephews, but I had a teacher once tell me that they had a young child who acted similar to your little Tommy. The parents had no idea what to do with this child who always seemed to be getting into trouble. One day, the father had a thought that he should try to catch his son in the act of doing something right and give him lots of praise for it. The father continued doing that everyday for weeks, until he realized his son was not as naughty as he use to be. His son was looking for attention, and got it being naughty. So, when he got attention consistently for doing things right, he wasn't quite as naughty.

Change is coming... your expecting another one. I've read about the effects number two can have on your first child. Their space, time, attention, and whole world is being changed and invaded! I've read that a toddler can "act out" because he isn't sure how to handle these new changes in his life. Maybe sit him down and talk to him about this new little girl, and what it will be like. My mom always says, "Talk to them like an adult (in a gentle way) and you'll be amazed what they can understand."

For the responsibility magnet, maybe give him proportionally more things back if he does something good, emphasizing all the good he does. Like a 2-1 with positives and compliments being the majority of things Tommy hears! It'll also help you as Mom realize the highlights of the day, rather than the downers. We all have down moments in our day when things don't go as planned. Focusing on the joy can help uplift our lives and be more patient with learning toddlers. Hopefully that helps, and good luck! :)

I just wanted to tell you that i think it is funny that people say there are terrible 2's. They must not of known what happens when they are 3 and 4!! The good news is by 5 they start to chill out :-)

I went and took my daughter to human services (because i could not handle her and she wouln't stay in time out)and the Dr. there told me to get a high chair and EVERY TIME she mis-behaves put her in the high chair. So i did and it took probally one month but it worked, so it does get better.
Jade

You're doing all you can do...just keep doing it. Once he gets through this phase and realizes you're consistent, he'll adjust. I went through it too and it's hell, but hang in there. He's normal, it's a phase, you're not alone...you just need to survive it.

We've actually removed doors from the hinges that my son liked to bang. He hit this stage when I already had a daughter 17 months older and a daughter that was 2 years younger than him so I wasn't able to protect him from the door by holding it. So we just removed it. Another time out spot we use when he refuses to stay where we ask is the car seat. We buckle him in and so he cannot get out. It's kind of a pain going down to the garage and wrestling him in, but like I said - I have 2 others that need attended to and I am just not available to keep him from breaking himself, others or things sometimes.

the first thing to do is may be look him straight in the eye and tell him that it is not acceptable to hit you. let him also know that you have a baby in the tummy and he could hurt the baby. another thing you could tell him is that he is going to be a big brother and he needs to set a good example. the chart thing is good and i would definantly keep that up. he needs to be in a time out chair not put in the bedroom. in all honesty i would watch an episode of super nanny she has some good suggestions of how to deal with these things.

Hi C.,

My son has also hit the "terrible 3's" - he was a great two year old and then he turned 3....

Anyway - my husband send me this article talking about how children do not respond well to punishment, but rather to rewards: <http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2008/09/080925104309...; So I try to ignore the bad behavior (he still gets time out when he hits) and reward the good. It is difficult, but it seems to be making a difference. I also tell him that I can't understand him when he shouts so he has to talk calmly for me to respond to his requests. Things like that. Good luck! It isn't easy. Just remember - this too shall pass....

J.
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Hi C.,
You've gotten lots of advice here and some is great and some I disagree with. I would not advocate spanking a 3 year old. I, too, thought I was home free when my son turned 3 I thought, "Hey! The twos weren't so terrible!" --and then--WOW! Three kicked in.
At 3, he will understand a 3 minute time out, sitting at the table, on a step, sofa or rug of your choice. Give him O. warning only before giving a timeout if he does not comply. Keep him within your eyesight with regard to where you place him for a time out. Get down to his level and tell him why he is in time out. Keep yourself very calm. Keep your tone f voice calm. Set the timer. Place him back there as many times as you have to. When time is up, ask him for an apology for what he did and then give him a hug and a kiss. Then forget it. Until the next time. Be very very consistent. Good luck to you!