Very Shy Son Who Does Not Participate at School and Only Plays

I was just like this little guy in many areas. I was a very shy child, but knew everything that I was supposed to. I was shy all the way through school. He will open up eventually. I didn't like to talk to other children or teachers when i was younger either. I would get shy and clam up.

Since he is so advanced, try having him tested to see where he would be academically. Maybe he is bored which is mimicking the fact that he doesn't want to open up or answer.

Sounds like it's one or two things, most likely a combo of the two:

1. He's bored. He's already learned what they're teaching, so not much there to keep his mind engaged. You might look for preschools offering a more diverse or challenging curriculum.

2. He's shy. Nothing is wrong with him for being shy. My mom said she visited me in nursery school as a kid and all the kids were walking in a circle making music and I sat outside the circle by myself. I was a shy kid but that doesn't mean I was unhappy, either. That's my personality. It's not a flaw. Now that I'm older I'm far less shy, but I outgrew it on my own terms.

BOTH my kids were... shy when younger.
They are bi-lingual as well.
They both knew a lot.
That does not matter.
My kids were shy.
Remember... MANY kids this age, are shy or hesitant in a room full of other kids. BUT as they mature, they open up.
And most kids this age, do only want to play.
He is only 4.
And they do not have.... static attention spans.
They are not still as statues.
Any Preschool Teacher should know this.

As a child matures and gets used to "school"... they will adapt.
Shy or not.
My kids did fine.
Or, choose another Preschool.
Each school, has different approaches and tolerances for child behavior.
Some are nurturing, some are not.
Some are rigid, some are not.
Not all schools, expect 4 year olds, to act like 8 year olds.

Your son is very normal.

Being an extrovert.... does not make one child better than the other.
The problem is: MOST of the time, people expect children to just be open and extroverted and socialize like the others. But when a kid is more shy... adults have a "problem" with that, when there is no problem.
Again, both my kids were like that.
It was fine.
I simply told the Teachers, they just take time to warm up. BUT the Teachers KNEW my kids personality.
My kids, though they were shy, they are VERY keen about their surroundings and about other people.
Being shy or not, has no bearing, on how successful or not they are as "students."

And, if you are not happy with this Preschool, find another one that is more nurturing.
Some Preschools are ONLY academic. Some are not, but they also teach academics.
At this age, bear in mind that it is NOT only about "academics."
At 4 years old, my son was not into academics. Not because he was bored or shy. But because, he was just... 4. He was a 4 year old boy.
And I talked to the Kindergarten Teacher at my kids' elementary school... and she said DO NOT WORRY about academics! Once a child is in Kindergarten, they will learn just fine and mature.
As a Kindergarten Teacher, she said do NOT expect a child to know EVERYTHING from when they are in only preschool.
And she said, there is TOO much pressure, for a kid to know EVERYTHING nowadays, from being only in Preschool.

It really irks me.... when Teachers/adults always have a "problem" with shyer kids.
In the grande scheme of things... kids do not ALL have to be, extroverts. It doesn't make a child "smarter" than others.
MANY kids, who are shy, are just fine.
As as they grow up, they will blossom.
It is childhood.
They are only 4 years old.
I was shy as a kid. So what.
I am not any more.
NO one, is static or the same all their life.

Again, when my son was 4.... he did NOT even want to do anything, "academic." Not because he was bored or unable to or that he was a genius. He simply was a 4, year old boy.
But once he got to Kindergarten, he was fine. He just matured in a blink of an eye, and understood everything just fine.
And yes, he was ahead in some areas. So what.
Being in school is not just about academics, but about learning social things too.
And, some kids are very academic, but have no maturity or social knowledge. The focus on academics... is not the only thing, to focus on.
Being academically light years ahead, does not make, a "student."

And some kids, seem to be ahead academically, simply because they can memorize things.... better or faster.
But once in elementary school, it does not mean he will be "advanced" or not. Things even out, in elementary school. Because, "memorizing" things is not... the way that a school's curriculum is or how learning... is. School curriculum & learning is not based on memorization... but on deductive and inductive reasoning and deriving.... solutions and problem-solving.

Your son was not reading 3-4 word sentences at 18 months, he was mimicking what he had memorized because it had been read to him many times. And at the age of four, I really doubt that he can fluently read books...I imagine he has many books memorized, so can recite what they say. If you handed him a new book he'd never seen, are you telling me he can read it?

If that's the case, he shouldn't be in preschool, you need to have him tested and put in some ultra-accelerated learning system because he's a prodigy and the source of all his problems is that he's got the abilities of a much older child and you've put him in preschool.

My two year old has books memorized, can count to 30, knows her shapes and colors and letters and all their sounds....but I would never claim that she can read a sentence, etc. And no matter how many times I sing the ABC's or count to 10 while stacking blocks, she is not "bored" with it. I don't think you are evaluating your son properly.

I agree that he's probably not getting much out of that program. I would keep him enrolled so that he gets the idea that school is very much about engaging with your peers and participating in teacher-directed activities.

But... get him involved with things that are social, but not "academic". See if the same issues persist. If they do, consider having him evaluated by your school district after the first marking period of next school year.

Me may be bored... or he may have a language-based processing disorder. Or... he may be a typical 4 year old boy who is self-directed by nature. I wouldn't worry about the need for 1:1 attention to get him to do academic work. No matter how gifted/brilliant/linguistically savvy he is... he's still 4 and preschoolers don't really need to be spending their day reading and writing.

The information you included is rather vague. Like CAWriterMom said, it could be that he's bored, and/or shy. And there is nothing "wrong" with either of those. There could also be more to it, though, but there just isn't enough information to say.

What do you mean he likes to make loud noises? Does he respond to you at home when you talk to him? Does he make eye contact? Is he friendly and outgoing when YOU are with him and he is exposed to new people?

My daughter was very shy when she was younger. She wouldn't talk when spoken to directly, even by people she saw on a regular basis (people at church that she only saw once a week or so). But around family she was exposed to often or in long strings of time (family staying with us for a few days) she was perfectly fine. Still didn't like to answer questions directly put to her, that "put her on the spot".
She isn't so shy anymore, but can be at times. Mostly, she is fine with public performances, doesn't have performance anxiety at all, and speaks quite directly to any adult that asks her something. Some of it is personality, some is confidence, some is part of learning how they fit in and what the expectations are for them. Some kids don't know when it is appropriate to talk to "other" adults and when to let their parents speak for them. There is a learning curve to navigating their way through these new scenarios and situations.
Being bi-lingual may make it easier for your son to avoid dealing with it (maybe he pretends not to understand things he does understand, so he doesn't have to respond, for example). Or maybe he is bored and tunes out. Some kids are just stubborn, and want to do what they want to do, period.

What do his teachers at preschool say? Are they concerned in terms of disciplinary matters, or more in a more neurological way? Is there a major difference in how he behaves at home and how he behaves at school? If he does the same things at home, then I'd lean more neurological, but if he isn't then I'd lean towards boredom/shyness/personality.

But I'm not a doctor... If it is his personality, don't push him. He will come around.

Sounds like he might have a processing disorder if he's not just desperately shy. At age 3 your can have your child evaluated by your school district for early intervention to determine if there's a delay (obvously not academically related). Some kids who are geniuses are jsut really shy and don't have great interpersonal skills and that's OK - God made us all differently. My best friend growing up would just freeze around people she hadn't know all her life - there was not a thing wrong with her except that she was shy. She'd tell me that she'd rather be at home readying a book than just about anything else.

Talk to the teachers and ask them if they think you should have your child evaluated. Don't get upset - I had to do the same with my son and the early intervention care he got helped him be prepared for school. It's not a crushing problem if your child has a developemental delay - it's something that you can help him deal with and gain victory over - assuming there's a problem there. Either way - professionals can tell you and either way you'll know more about your child and how to help him navigate life.

God bless you mama!

Are the teachers concerned? I think you need to have a conference because he could either be brilliant and just bored or their might be something neurological. What do you mean he loves to make "loud noises"? There are a couple things that you mention that would concern me as well.

It could be a number of things and I'm a little confused by carpet time being academic oriented. In my kids' pre-school, there is a little academic oriented stuff during circle time but it's very light and mostly about the calendar or the weather. There is singing, maybe a story/book or science demonstration, and the kids get an opportunity to share an item from home (show-n-tell). But typically, kids are required to sit at circle time and cannot go off and play somewhere else.

I have twin 4 year olds and one is very interested in outside play. It's pretty normal at that age. Some kids will want to do the art project or play inside, but others won't. Some kids will like and want to practice writing or scissors and others will have to be directed or encouraged to do it. One of my kids falls in the realm of liking to do art and practice writing, the other is definitely an outside play kind of kid.

Does your son have other opportunities to be social with other kids outside of school, either in a group or one-on-one? Does he participate in those situations? Or does he seem disinterested or shy? If he only seems disinterested at school, he could be bored or maybe the format of the school doesn't work for his style of learning. If he separates himself in other group situations but not in small or one-on-one type playdates, he might just be shy.

If you are concerned, talk to the teachers and discuss the questions you brought up here with them and see if they think he is bored, shy, would do better in another learning style, or if it's something else. You could also have him evaluated. I know someone where her child's teachers suggested she get an evaluation prior to entering kindergarten to get a better idea of how her child learns and if there are issues that can be addressed. It was called something like a psychological education assessment and it was pretty thorough. The psychologist meets with the parents and the child and also observes the child at school. But I would ask the teachers if they think something like that is necessary and if so, if it can be done through the school district (so it might be free). It could just be a matter of the school not being a good fit for your son or your son being really shy and the teachers might have an opinion if that's the case based on their experience.

I wouldn't worry so much about it. He's introverted. He's clearly intelligent and engaged when he wants to be.

The only thing I'd do: Get him an eye exam and a hearing test. Be certain that he can see the people who are talking to him to answer.

IMHO, he is just learning how to be in school and how to be part of a group and that instructions/directions given to the group apply to him. He is shy and doesn't feel comfortable speaking up "in a crowd" so he doesn't answer their questions, but he wants the teacher to know he had an answer so he gives it in a "more intimate" setting.

I wouldn't worry about him. He'll outgrow some of it and the rest he'll figure out.

A huge part of going to a preschool program is learning how to operate in a school setting. Kids this age learn way more that they'll use later in life by playing. Google kids learning while they play.

I also think that the teachers should be able to engage his mind during carpet time. It's supposed to be the most fun part of the day. He might just want to go play though. To me it's okay to do that if the classroom rules allow that. In some classrooms they don't allow kids to go play during another activity because the kids in the circle time/carpet time see them playing and having fun so they run off to go play too. That makes way too much chaos so some schools have rules that no toys can play when kids are supposed to be doing something else. In this case he could go read a book or sit quietly at his desk.